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  1. #1
    Not a potential *** Chicup's Avatar
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    Default I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    There I said it.

    I see there seems to be some forum angst over using this sort of language (or the term share my wife) in a few posts lately.

    This denotes ownership and I fully claim it. We are a married couple, we made promises to each other, and in those promises was the idea that our sexuality was now tied together. As long as it is tied together any sex she has outside of our relationship is truly allowed by me. I can revoke it at any time. If she chooses to ignore this and goes a head with it anyways she is in breach of those promises we made and it would be grounds for dissolving our relationship.

    You can say we are joined, bonded, intertwined or any other more romantic but less pejorative term but it doesn't change it, I OWN her ass and I decide who gets to touch it as long as she wishes to be with me.

    This does not mean I can force her to have relations with other people, but it does mean I have a say in who those other people are. If they make me uncomfortable in any way I can pull the plug and she will just have to live with it.

    As should be obvious but I think I'll need to state this goes BOTH ways. She ALLOWS me. If she pulls the plug on a couple, thats it, I don't get to have sex with that other woman ever again. If they make her uncomfortable in any way, well I'll just have to live with it. If I choose to ignore that, she has grounds to permanently terminate our relationship.

    We are NOT just people living together and raising kids together, who are free to go their own way without responsibility to each other. To be poetic we are now of one body, and WE must both decide how those bodies get used and if they get used. We must both agree or there is no more argument.
    Last edited by Chicup; 08-10-2012 at 08:18 PM.

  2. #2
    Founder JustAskJulie's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    As much as it pains me to say it.... I feel the same way. My husband doesn't OWN me but he does have a say in what / who I do. This goes beyond sex for us. We respect each other so we allow the other to have a say in what we do. He shares me and I share him and we enjoy it. I allow him to enjoy whomever he wants (as long as there's not some good reason for me to say no), and he allows me to play with others as he is comfortable.

    I do feel like we got tied up a lot around here in semantics, getting caught on one word or phrase instead of taking in the whole feeling of a post or issue. Instead of asking questions to clarify a situation we jump to conclusions sometimes. This definitely scares away some people and that's just sad, especially when those people are new to this site and often new to swinging. It's not a feeling we should be putting out there. I would hope we are here to help others and not just to sound smarter than someone else or to hear ourselves talk.
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  3. #3
    Swingers Board Addict km34's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    In our relationship, I have no right to TELL him he can't do something. I can ask him not to do it, tell him why I'm uncomfortable with it, and tell him what my reaction will be if he chooses to go against my wishes, but the choice is ultimately up to him. An example conversation could go something like this:

    Hubby: I really wanna shtup this woman I work with!
    Me: I really wish you wouldn't.
    Hubby: Why? She's hot!
    Me: Because I don't think getting involved with people you work with is a good idea. I've also met this woman and she is NOT someone I feel is trustworthy. I've heard story after story of her drama-playing at work, I've seen her newsfeed on facebook and know she's crazy in her personal life, and I just don't want to have to deal with that.
    Hubby: Fair enough, but I might just have to do it anyway.
    Me: Okay, but be warned. If you do shtup this woman, I will NOT be pleased. I will probably sleep in the guest room for a while, I will NOT be letting you touch me other than a hug and a quick kiss now and then, and I will just in general not be happy until the situation is over. I'll get over it, but be prepared for stressed out/unhappy wife for a while.

    Then he can make his decision. I told him how I felt, I told him the consequences within our relationship, but ultimately it's up to him. Sure, it may seem like I threatened him, but really if he was going to shtup someone I don't trust, I wouldn't want to have intercourse until I knew he was 1 - clear of any STDs and 2 - didn't knock her up. This has never had to happen since we are both generally good judges of character, but it COULD. lol

    I don't own hubby, nor does he own me. We (well, I, since I wrote them) made sure our vows were free from any terminology that called our union anything but voluntary and a pact between two individuals. We said nothing about exclusivity, we said nothing about sexual fidelity, we said nothing close to "til death do we part." On purpose. We agreed to bind ourselves together (literally - we did a handfasting ), but we did not agree to give up any part of ourselves. We agreed to respect one another and to consider the other person's feelings when we are making decisions. We agreed to be honest with one another and to do what we can to keep our relationship healthy and long-lasting. We also agreed, however, that the marriage is over as soon as one of us "falls out of love" or for whatever other reason can't abide by the promises we did make.

    But that is MY relationship, not yours. If your wife or husband is fine with ownership and so are you, then that's great.

  4. #4
    Esteemed member angelkin's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Potato, potahto...we call it veto power. Yes, we allow each other to have sex with others...and I tell him all the time this is his ass. Has he used his veto, yep - several times much to my dismay. However, I respect him and would not do anything he wasn't comfortable with. Have I used mine, yep - he doesn't like it either. However, it works for us and we both have to agree or any deal is off completely.
    There's time for sleep when you're dead.

  5. #5
    Swingers Board Addict mauijanedoe's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    I don't get bent at the concept of someone saying he shares his wife. It might be semantics, or their kink or a true reflection of the nature of their relationship. I flinch a little at the idea that someone owns someone else, even after it's softened with an explanation of the limits of said ownership. There, though, I think it's just mostly semantics with a side of agency. In either case, though, it's not my relationship so I don't actually care even it's all the literal truth and comes with a D/s contract and a collar.

    We do have theoretical veto power, because it came up in a "what if" conversation and that was the simplest resolution. I can't see ever vetoing someone with a "because I said so," though, because I have enough children and don't actually need another one. I'm far more likely to take km34's tack of explaining what and why and the likely consequences and then being pissy if I wasn't heeded. I suspect Mr. Doe's response would be the same, except that I'd never get to that point. If he felt strongly enough to say something, I would immediately stop. Does that mean he owns my ass? Maybe. Or maybe that I love and respect him enough that sometimes I will allow his judgment to overrule mine.

    So I'm voting potato, potahto.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Chicup; would you use the phrase "I decided to share my wife with this guy" to describe a situation? I highly doubt it, because even if you did decide, so did your wife. It was something you decided together. Someone posting with that kind of language is often betraying their inner thought process. Like Julie said, you can usually get a feeling for whether it was just someones idea of swinger language, or whether it shows an actual issue or not. I agree with you and I think a lot of people feel a similar thing, even if they wouldn't refer to it as ownership, or allowing their spouse to do something. I think it's a pretty healthy thing when it truly goes both ways. The people using the language though most often seem to have an unhealthy perspective on it.

    I think if you look at the post this was prompted by, the progressive replies from the OP show some serious control tendencies. I think the people picking out specific language there were on track. That said, it's probably wise to try and take a step back and make sure that we're not just nitpicking things.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Chicup, that post was FANTASTIC! I love it!

    There definitely are a lot of issues with implied vs. intended semantics,m but it sure is fun to discuss them on a forum... which is even more interesting since the lack of tonality and body language makes text-only communication infinitely more difficult.

    I tend to agree. I love my wife and wouldn't want to do anything that she wouldn't "allow" me to do, and vice versa. If she says something is ok, and I do it, and it bothers her and then she changes her mind and tells me not to do it again... DONE! She owns me, and I'm owned by her!

  8. #8
    Not a potential *** Chicup's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Quote Originally Posted by slevin View Post
    Chicup; would you use the phrase "I decided to share my wife with this guy" to describe a situation? I highly doubt it, because even if you did decide, so did your wife. It was something you decided together. Someone posting with that kind of language is often betraying their inner thought process. Like Julie said, you can usually get a feeling for whether it was just someones idea of swinger language, or whether it shows an actual issue or not. I agree with you and I think a lot of people feel a similar thing, even if they wouldn't refer to it as ownership, or allowing their spouse to do something. I think it's a pretty healthy thing when it truly goes both ways. The people using the language though most often seem to have an unhealthy perspective on it.

    I think if you look at the post this was prompted by, the progressive replies from the OP show some serious control tendencies. I think the people picking out specific language there were on track. That said, it's probably wise to try and take a step back and make sure that we're not just nitpicking things.
    Astute observation slevin.

    I personally do not like the term "share my wife" but I've heard enough people using it who are not using it in a negative way to say that many do. My distaste with the word share I think has less to do with the ownership aspect as the word itself. You share a burden, you share food, you share money, that sort of thing. Something is lost by sharing . The idea of "sharing the love" I find equally wrong semantically. One can spread love and joy, but sharing it would imply you take some from me, so we both have some but I have less.

    So if I "shared" my wife you are taking something from me, and I am diminished in return. Being I do not see my self somehow diminished in swinging I think the term is inappropriate.

    If I want to be pedantic about it, the term "share my wife" should only be used by new swingers where the man would much rather just have sex with other women and not let his wife but he does so because he can't argue logically against it. He feels he is losing something in the bargain but is being nice and allows it. I'd say our first swinging encounter was like this because I really was unsure of my wife going off to another room to have sex with some other guy, but I felt it was "even" because I was having sex with his wife. The proper language for that would be a "swap" or a trade (often used in lifestyle talking as well). We both equally lost and gained so it was a fair trade.

    That was over 10 years ago and we have long since matured in the lifestyle, and share/trade/swap no longer apply to us, but allow most definitely does. Other swingers I think simply keep using the language without always thinking about it very deeply, so I'm not going to get upset if they use the term "sharing my wife".

  9. #9
    Laura's Male VegasLee's Avatar
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    In all the years we have been together I cannot remember Laura ever asking me if she could "party" with someone.

    I do remember a few times in our life that she "allowed" me to sleep on the couch though.
    You all laugh at me because I am different. I laugh at all of you because you are all the same.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    If my wife ever tolerated me or anyone else ALLOWING her to do anything, I would find a new one.
    If I wanted someone to dictate to, I would hire a submissive prostitute. (Lifestyle subs always want to play one more game of World Of Warcraft or try to teach me Vulcan before they play, and I am a busy guy..)

    Veto power or mutual agreement in my humble opinion, does not exist in the same galaxy as allowing or disallowing...very different
    Last edited by Partyperks847; 08-12-2012 at 02:43 PM.

  11. #11
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Quote Originally Posted by slevin View Post
    Chicup; would you use the phrase "I decided to share my wife with this guy" to describe a situation? I highly doubt it, because even if you did decide, so did your wife. It was something you decided together. Someone posting with that kind of language is often betraying their inner thought process. Like Julie said, you can usually get a feeling for whether it was just someones idea of swinger language, or whether it shows an actual issue or not. I agree with you and I think a lot of people feel a similar thing, even if they wouldn't refer to it as ownership, or allowing their spouse to do something. I think it's a pretty healthy thing when it truly goes both ways. The people using the language though most often seem to have an unhealthy perspective on it.

    I think if you look at the post this was prompted by, the progressive replies from the OP show some serious control tendencies. I think the people picking out specific language there were on track. That said, it's probably wise to try and take a step back and make sure that we're not just nitpicking things.

    When someone prefaces an explanation with "There I said it" , there is little chance that we are either nitpicking or misunderstanding the contention.
    Having said that, to each their own. Personally, I neither have any desire to have the power to allow or disallow the behavior of my partners, nor am I interested in a partner who would tolerate it.
    Fortunately for us, the big issues were discussed and agreed upon before the deals were closed, and as for the small ones, we discuss it and figure it out as we go along.
    In my 50 years on planet earth, I have found generally guys who actually believe they own a woman ass, wake up one day finding they own nothing but a hotel key and a restraining order...but I digress
    Last edited by Partyperks847; 08-12-2012 at 02:47 PM.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Ah , semantics , contextual implications , and plain 'ol Context.

    If you and Mrs Chicup understand and are happily on the same page, it doesn't matter if anyone else likes it , and only those that either or both of you play with need to understnd to a degree.

    That being said , your opening statement does make a certain implication, even though the further explination does somewhat modify that.

    Could it be that it is just word choice , and your actual thought process is more equal and collabertive ? Maybe. Could it be that there is an element of Control and Power Exchnge ? Maybe.

    There is a long continium of Sexual and Relationship dynamics. If you're happy , and Mrs Chicup is happy with (whatever is actually taking place here) , congradulations , and enjoy !

  13. #13
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Quote Originally Posted by Partyperks847 View Post
    When someone prefaces an explanation with "There I said it" , there is little chance that we are either nitpicking or misunderstanding the contention.
    I think you misunderstood what I was saying in regards to what I quoted above. I was referring to the post that prompted Chicup to make this post. My comments about people picking out specific language was in reference to that other thread, not Chicups original post.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Quote Originally Posted by slevin View Post
    I think you misunderstood what I was saying in regards to what I quoted above. I was referring to the post that prompted Chicup to make this post. My comments about people picking out specific language was in reference to that other thread, not Chicups original post.
    Ahhhh ok....sorry

  15. #15
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    Default Re: I ALLOW my wife to have sex with other men.

    Quote Originally Posted by Just Passing By View Post
    Ah , semantics , contextual implications , and plain 'ol Context.

    If you and Mrs Chicup understand and are happily on the same page, it doesn't matter if anyone else likes it , and only those that either or both of you play with need to understnd to a degree.

    That being said , your opening statement does make a certain implication, even though the further explination does somewhat modify that.

    Could it be that it is just word choice , and your actual thought process is more equal and collabertive ? Maybe. Could it be that there is an element of Control and Power Exchnge ? Maybe.

    There is a long continium of Sexual and Relationship dynamics. If you're happy , and Mrs Chicup is happy with (whatever is actually taking place here) , congradulations , and enjoy !
    All due respect to Chicup, and let me make it clear he has every right to hold and voice his opinion he chooses and I would defend his right to the death......

    There are very few things in this world I find "offensive"....but as a MAN, another man saying they "own someone's ass", or any other body part, soul, will, life or destiny, offends me.
    Don't get me wrong, I am not some Randist "self worshiper" nor am I one with a lot of faith in "open marriages'...but to profess "ownership" of another human being is not just an issue of semantics, it reflects a mindset and an attitude that is IMO not only distasteful but degrading to the entire male gender and even dangerous.

    I would be both relieved and apologetic if I was shown to have misunderstood his meaning or context.

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