A dilemma: Friends first or fuck first?

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

OK, so we've met these people. There was an instant connection. And the connection has grown stronger. But here's the thing: we feel so good about them that now we think that it would ruin a good thing if we fucked them. And we suspect that they might be feeling the same owing to the fact that they have not made the proposal, "let's fuck."

 

Something similar has happened with members of this esteemed Swingersboard. We are given an opportunity to meet people with whom we have communicated for years and what do you think? You feel so close to them that spontaneous sex would seem not so spontaneous at all! So we don't. What's with that? We're supposed to be swingers!

 

The suspicion is growing in my mind that "fuck first, friendship might follow" is really the way I'm wired, as far as swing lifestyle might go. But friendship is friendship, however it might happen. Am I alone in this? Am I making any sense?

[angelkin 1,326]

You're making complete sense… Friends of mine initially introduced me to the idea of fuck first friends might come later. If the sex sucks, there's no loss. If you become friends first then and then the sex sucks what do you have left but awkwardness?

[sunbuckus 3,569]

I can understand the dilemma and the logic but we haven't yet come to that dilemma yet. For me, it has usually been the case that the better I know someone the more enjoyable the sex.

[VegasLee 1,486]

We go for the sex first. That way if you find out you don't like them you didn't miss out on some good sex.

 

We have never set out looking for friends. We have made many good friends over the years but that happens.

[Glida 250]

For us it's fuck first. We hardly ever meet people more that once. There have been occasions where we've met couples and not had sex and then they've contacted us again and said 'lets meet/fuck' but for me the moments gone and i'm not really that interested in seeing them again. The attraction is 'the stranger' the anonymity, the one night stand, the pick up, the reckless abandonment with people you will probably never see again.

[Fundamental Law 2,918]

Interesting thread. The reasoning appears to be that friendship is valued over fucking, thus friends land in the "no fuck zone". It's okay to become friendly to people you fuck, but not vice versa owing to how fucking might sour the friendship.

[Lionheart72 2,191]

I can understand the dilemma and the logic but we haven't yet come to that dilemma yet. For me, it has usually been the case that the better I know someone the more enjoyable the sex.

 

Interesting thread. The reasoning appears to be that friendship is valued over fucking, thus friends land in the "no fuck zone". It's okay to become friendly to people you fuck, but not vice versa owing to how fucking might sour the friendship.

 

I'm with sunbuckus on this... While I agree with the premise of valuing friendship over fucking, that does not put friends in a "no fuck zone." In fact, it does exactly the opposite. As sunbuckus said, the better I know someone the better the sex. I have had a sexual relationship with a significant minority (if not a slim majority, I would have to actually do the math) of my close friends and, rather than souring the friendships, it has always enhanced them even after the sexual relationship ended. Sex can be a way of expressing intimacy, closeness, caring and support. It can be a fun activity that is shared by people with mutually compatible tastes and interests. It can make friendships stronger or simply be a casual thing done a few times for the hell of it. It is only the fact that our culture simultaneously elevates and devalues sex that makes it such a big deal.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I've talked about this before, but here's our general outcome:

 

1. We need a little connection, and that can often be achieved in as little as half an hour. Sometimes you know. Other times, it takes a bit longer.

 

2. We can have first time sex with "friends", and by friends, I mean people we have hung out with at a club several times over months or even years. So, probably better termed as really close acquaintances.

 

3. We occasionally become friends with those we have sex with. We continue playing with them a couple or three times a year on average.

 

4. We have become VERY close friends with two different couples over our swinging life. The closer we got, the less we played, until we didn't.

 

 

So, I think we're generally in the same place SW_PA_Couple.

[oc1234 436]

My wife and I have done both. We have two guys we play with. We became great friends with the first about six years before we started having sex with him. We knew the second for many years but didn't really get to be friends until after we started having sex with him.

 

We find that closer the friendship, the more we enjoy the sex.

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

If we have no connection, we don't have anything else. So yes, we get what you are saying but for us if there is no friendship, there's nothing else as well.

[asncpl 730]

I've talked about this before, but here's our general outcome:

 

1. We need a little connection, and that can often be achieved in as little as half an hour. Sometimes you know. Other times, it takes a bit longer.

 

2. We can have first time sex with "friends", and by friends, I mean people we have hung out with at a club several times over months or even years. So, probably better termed as really close acquaintances.

 

3. We occasionally become friends with those we have sex with. We continue playing with them a couple or three times a year on average.

 

4. We have become VERY close friends with two different couples over our swinging life. The closer we got, the less we played, until we didn't.

 

That's a good summary that somewhat describes us but our frequency is a bit different. 1 is true enough. Not so much 2, and 3 and 4 happen more often to us. Especially 3.

 

I would also say we are sex first type people. I make the distinction that if we are meeting someone as potential playmates, then definitely sex first. Connection, for us, doesn't have to mean a friendship. It can be that they are nice, courteous, and we have some attraction as well as conversational and emotional chemistry. If we end up being friends and making a deeper connection, all the better and the sex may even improve.

 

I can understand the point that you don't want to swing with other members of this board after years of getting to know them here. I posted a thread a while back about a vanilla couple of ours, whose female half is a very good friend of mine, propositioned us to play with them while we were on vacation together. The general consensus from the comments was "don't do it as it will likely ruin the friendship" and we didn't. I had a lot invested in that friendship, and I think the same can be said of those members on this board that I have chatted and befriended. But for someone I just recently met for the purpose of sex, I am willing to risk the potential friendship. Perhaps I haven't found anyone with such a strong connection from the get go.

[MrDiscover 802]

We (very new at swinging) got to know a really nice couple, on the basis of 'fuck first' and are spending some nice vanilla time together now and then. Can becoming friends kill the 'fuck-part' of a relationship between couples? Anyone experience with that?

 

MrDiscover

[M1F2KTJ 473]

In my experience not everyone is into sharing. Sometimes it is one out of the couple that is in to it. Most people here would call that "cheating". It's possible to have friends that share and be friends with people who don't. It's frustrating for me personally when the wife of a couple is into exploring but the husband isn't and the opposite. It is very tempting but we try to resist having an experience with one but not both of a couple.

[volstag 17]

OK, so we've met these people. There was an instant connection. And the connection has grown stronger. But here's the thing: we feel so good about them that now we think that it would ruin a good thing if we fucked them. And we suspect that they might be feeling the same owing to the fact that they have not made the proposal, "let's fuck."

 

Something similar has happened with members of this esteemed Swingersboard. We are given an opportunity to meet people with whom we have communicated for years and what do you think? You feel so close to them that spontaneous sex would seem not so spontaneous at all! So we don't. What's with that? We're supposed to be swingers!

 

The suspicion is growing in my mind that "fuck first, friendship might follow" is really the way I'm wired, as far as swing lifestyle might go. But friendship is friendship, however it might happen. Am I alone in this? Am I making any sense?

 

I agree, you should fuck first. It will define the relationship and you avoid awkward moments later.

[enhancer 1,587]

We are friends first, fuck later people ourselves! If we don't like someone on a friends basis we are not interested in having sex with them. A big part of attraction for us is personality.

[Shorecpl4u 79]

Great thread! My wife and I think differently on this friends first thing. I would prefer to meet for drinks and if all goes well go play with them right away. I feel that if the sex is good you can always develop a friendship over time. If it's bad you can move on before getting involved as friends. My wife prefers to be friends first and play later she say's she doesn't fuck strangers.

 

Actually, we are in a situation right now that is right in this wheel house. We met a couple about six weeks ago that we both really like. We have had them to our house for dinners, our Friday night cocktail parties (vanilla), etc... We finally played with them about two weeks ago and it was fun but not the greatest. We have seen them since we played and everyone still seemed happy. I guess what's bothering me right now is if for whatever reason they decide not to play again will we lose them as friends?

[padoc 1,704]

Mrs Doc says "we have a lot of friends, what we look for on the swinger site are playmates". In fact, we tend to shy away from those couples who stipulate friends first on their profile. Recreational sex is the goal and we don't have to become pals, exchange xmas cards or meet the family to achieve that goal.