Once you and your partner have decided to invite others into your sex life, you have to define your boundries. There are some couples in the lifestyle who claim that for them "everything goes" or "we love it all"..but we personally shy away from them, because we have found that they tend to be prone to 'pushing' other's boundries and are famous for the question, "How do you know you don't like it if you have never tried it?" While that logic does apply to some endeavors, it has very few sexual applications. Everyone has a comfort zone, and no one should ever leave it until they choose to (if ever). Of note is the fact that most couples will have differing levels of comfort, and the object is to arrive at one that both can enjoy.

Although at first glance it would seem easy to do this...slow your roll! There is a whole lot of kink out there - and the Boy Scouts aren't the only ones who need to be prepared. We usually suggest to 'newbies' that they each actually kick back with pencil and paper and make a list broken down into 3 categories: Yes, No, and Maybe. For most couples, the Yes and No columns fill up fairly quickly. Keep in mind that honesty thing I talked about in Communication, and you will probably find there are a couple of things in that 'Maybe' column when you are done. A partial list of things you need to have considered:

Safer sex, Oral sex with others, Intercourse with others, Female bisexuality, Male bisexuality, Couples, Single females, Single males, Playing separatly, Kissing with others, Same or separate rooms, Group sex, Swallowing, Anal sex with others, BDSM play, Picture-taking, Double penetrations, Sex toys, Voyerism, Exhibitionism ............

You get the idea.... I'm sure I missed some - amend as necessary! As I have already said, the key here is to be honest..don't put something in a category because you think it is the one your partner wants it to be in; that can cause you some serious problems down the road. After you are done, compare lists and you have a starting point for firming up what your joint list will be. Things will actually take shape rather easily - The things that both of you had as Yes, is in bounds. The things both of you had as no, are out of bounds. Now pay attention on this next one: Anything that one of you had as No, is also out of bounds! Fellas, just because you really want to see her eat pussy doesn't mean she should get behind it..put the shoe on the other foot - suppose she really wants to see a set of balls on your chin? Now..anything in the maybe column is a topic for further discussion. Maybes are usually subjects that can be yes under certain circumstances. For example, some women have no problem with another woman going down on them, but balk at eating a pussy themselves. Since there are women out there who can take or leave being licked themselves, then there is a match possible. Keep in mind that maybes are an expression of interest in a certain area. After discussion, they can be temporarily parked in the No column to be revisited later if the interest grows.

To some this technique may seem like a lot of work..but it does save a lot of heartburn for you and others further down the road. Couples who try to 'make it up as they go along' are usually not that successful and can be a pain to others...if you aren't sure about what you are in to, how can anyone else be? That is the number one reason why there are some 'seasoned' couples in the lifestyle who refuse to meet with 'newbies' period. Thankfully, there are quite a few who understand that everyone was a 'newbie' at one time, and are willing to be patient...to a point. The key is to be upfront with others...people in the lifestyle tend to be very understanding of other's boundries as long as they know what they are. For example - we have friends in all different areas of the lifestyle. We know a couple who just like to be sexually playful with each other in front of others and we also know a couple who love to humiliate and dominate their female half. We have hung out with both and had a great time..because everyone knew where everyone was coming from and didn't have any false expectations. We have never tried to fuck our exhibitionist friends, and our D/s couple friends know to take the bass out of their tone when talking to G.

The final thing to remember about establishing bounderies is boundries don't have to be carved in stone. Some sexual views change over time..there used to be a time when 'real men' didn't eat pussy! There may come a time when, due to becoming more comfortable in the lifestyle, a couple may want to explore an area that previously seemed further than they wanted to go. Some couples who started as soft swap may decide that they want to try full swap. A couple who were in to separate room swaps may decide it would be hot to watch each other after time. And it can also work going the other way...we know couples who started out doing strictly group-gropes and downshifted to only doing couple on couple. It's all about where you find your sexual selves at any given time.

The only firm advice I would give on changing bounderies is that they should, of course, be changed by mutual agreement and knowledge, and because of that should not be changed 'in the heat of the moment'. We once met and hit it off with a soft swap couple. The second time we got together, the wife stopped in the middle of giving me head and told me she would really like to fuck me. I told her I would love to, but she needed to see if hubby was down with it...and directed her back to the task at hand (priorities, ya know). Later that night, when we got back home, the phone rang...it was hubby and he started by thanking me for not taking advantage of his wife's 'weak moment'. He went on to say that they had talked it over, and he wasn't comfortable with the thought of another man fucking her. I told him that was cool, and that it wasn't the end of the world. We remained good friends and hung out occasionally after that, although we never did get around to playing together again before we moved. I think there would have been some serious drama if I had went ahead and hit it..and we would have lost a friendship that worked on other levels.

M