That's how the page for the Black Magic XL sex machine starts out on Orgasm Alley. It's no lie, either. This thing is like a robot contortionist with a penis. My wife and I got ours a few months back, and we've had a chance to put it through its paces, so to speak. We've been impressed by the craftsmanship and the features. It can be positioned at any height from floor level up to about 52" and can point in any direction, from straight up to straight down. It's got a stroke length of two to eight inches, in seven different increments. It weighs about forty-five pounds, so it's solid. You don't have to worry about it wobbling, except at the highest speeds and the longest stroke settings. It can be adjusted from zero to 240 strokes per minute and has a 1/8th HP motor that delivers 30 pounds-per-inch of torque.

That's right, it only takes eight of these things to equal one horse... but I digress.

It's all steel, and painted glossy black to match any dungeon or bedroom decor. It even folds down to hide away under a bed or in a closet.

It's a bit pricey, but you get a lot for the price, especially when you consider that the joints are welded and feature a locking mechanism which allows the arms and legs to be locked in any position. It also comes with a basic Vac-u-Lock dildo attachment system and a flat attachment for non-Vac-u-Lock dildoes. The attachments fit onto either a six or a twelve-inch extension that is powered directly by the motor through a sliding ball-bearing track.

This thing is solid.

We got a Doc Johnson UR3 dildo to use with the machine. I'm not as happy with UR3 as I have been with Cyberskin. The UR3 seems to soak up lubes quicker than Cyberskin.

We also bought me the Fleshlight attachment, so I can use the machine when my wife is out of town. I haven't tried it out yet, but the Fleshlight itself is nice. I've got the standard insert, and it's got a good feel to it. It's Cyberskin, which I love. It holds lubricant well, and stays soft and supple after cleaning. The only problem I've had with it is that the cap on the back leaks lube while in use, and semen afterwards.

The machine has it's drawbacks. Because it's so heavy, it's not something you just pull out on a whim. You've got to make an appointment with this thing. Although the arms and legs lock in three hundred and sixty degrees, the locking mechanism locks into place at fixed angles, so sometimes you have to move your body to the machine, when it becomes impossible to move the machine to your body. It's also expensive, at nearly $1300 for the basic package and the attachments we added.

Other than that, we've been very happy with it. We haven't used it at it's highest speed or stroke length yet. Just watching it move that fast and that far is a little daunting. The motor is an industrial door motor — think "huge garage door opener" — by Baldor.

Overall, it's built to last. This is a machine we could potentially pass down to our children and they could pass down to their children. That's bizarre. Sex toys as a family heirloom.

This ain't your grandmother's Sunbeam vibrator!

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