So I was using our bidet yesterday and...

What do you mean, "What's a bidet?" Haven't you ever seen Crocodile Dundee?

According to Wikipedia, a bidet is a "low-mounted plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the external genitalia and the anus." The name, pronounced "bi-day", comes from the French word for pony which in turn comes from the French verb for "to trot." This is because one sits on a bidet in the same way one might sit astride a horse or pony.

It could also be related to "having the trots" but that's just pure conjecture.

The article goes on to explain... Oh hell, go read it yourself. I'm not your search engine! Suffice to say that the bidet popped up in the late 17th century or early 18th century, about the time people figured out that cleanliness wasn't just next to godliness, it was also next to impossible to ignore in the face of urbanization, the Industrial Revolution and outbreaks of the plague and venereal disease.

Bidets were originally designed by furniture makers and were commonly made in the shape of a low wooden stool or chair with a removable ceramic or metal pan. The normally resided in the bedroom. You'd have to fill it from a pitcher of water and empty it afterwards, unless you payed or owned someone to do that for you. "Indoor plumbing" allowed the bidet to go from a simple bowl to a modern ceramic fixture.

Americans are generally clueless when it comes to bidets encountered while traveling or in the occasional American home or hotel. Reactions span a gamut from mild embarassment to confusion to laughter. Our Puritan roots begin to show when we're confronted with a fixture so blatantly designed to wash those parts of our bodies we're not even supposed to whisper about, much less spend time washing.

For those uninitiated, I have a few tips:

• It's not a fountain!

• It helps to sit on it!

It's also not for washing your boots, as Mic Dundee discovered. Most of all, it's not a toilet or a urinal. Thank me now for not including illustrations for these two most common misconceptions. Housekeeping will not be happy with you if you forget. Truth be told, bidets have more uses than just cleaning your hiney, but they all revolve around personal hygiene. Think of it as a very low pedestal sink, or a very small bathtub. For instance they make great bath basins for children, elderly and disabled people who can't use a bathtub; a convenient place to wash your feet; or as a baby bath!

So how do you use a bidet? Well, it's not as hard as you'd think. Most of them have one or two faucet handles to turn on the water and adjust the temperature. This is important, because your nethers are not going to react to either freezing cold or scalding hot water. Depending on the type, there will be either a horizontal or vertical jet and a valve which sends water to the jet or streaming down the sides of the basin. What I like to do is adjust the volume of water coming through the jet to a few inches high. I then adjust the temperature of the water to a comfortable level, using the inside of my wrist like you would with a baby bottle. Straddle the bidet, facing toward the wall and the controls. At this point, your anus should be in the vicinity of the jet. Adjust the volume of the jet until the spray is hard enough to clean, but still comfortable. By rocking gently forward and backward, the entire perineal and perianal area can be washed clean. For women, straddling the bidet facing away from the wall allows cleaning of the vulva in exactly the same manner. Be careful, though, as most bidets have enough water pressure to send a jet of water nearly to the ceiling.

Of course, I've skipped a step. You might be asking yourself whether you should use toilet paper before the bidet. Put simply, it's a matter of choice. Bidet use around the world varies greatly. In Europe, for instance, a bidet is used secondary to toilet paper. In other parts of the world, it's used instead of toilet paper. In fact, in Japan there are high-tech toilets with electronic controls and built-in bidet jets that even send a jet of warm air to dry you so you never have to touch yourself. Imagine that, you latter-day Puritans!

And what if you do have to use your hands? Well, it's no less sanitary than using toilet paper. In fact, it may be more sanitary. Besides, you're going to wash your hands afterward anyway, right? Right? Tell me you're not one of those people who doesn't wash your hands!

Imagine this: families marching forward into the 21st Century with clean, fresh bottoms, ready for anything that life can throw at them because they know that when... OK I just lost that whole metaphor. Forget that. Just keep all of this in mind the next time you take a potty break and see an unfamiliar fixture. The bidet may have been invented over three hundred years ago, but it's kept up with the times. While other bath fixtures remain stuck in the last century, the bidet has become the hottest new bathroom gadget. Rocket cars? Who needs 'em? Personal jet packs? Gimme a break! The bidet is our sign that the future will be a clean, healthy and comfortable place.

Remember this, too: the mystery and unfamiliarity of the bidet can be a big turn-on for some people. After all, it's neater than a garden hose and can be temperature adjusted, making it a sexy addition to any bathroom. If you're not sure what I'm getting at, then you should get out more. Let us just leave it at that. Bidets are sexy and stimulating and...

Well, you get the picture.