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Common Denominator

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socolais

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As an engineer, I enjoy the occasional thread about what makes swingers different from the general population. Of course I've pondered that myself,, many times.

 

Swinging is a behavior and behaviors are the result of causes or needs. Logic dictates there is a common denominator among swinging married couples. And yet, we collectively shoot big gaping holes in every theory I've seen proposed here (why do I suspect mine will be any different). Our evidence is mostly anecdotal, but generally, we all sing the same song. Therefore, we already "know" swingers are not more intelligent, less committed to our relationship, driven by lower morals or higher sex drives - than the general public.

 

We are not a random subset of the population - we think and act a little differently. Why is it so difficult to discern the difference except by our party behavior? I think there are three major factors successful swinging couples share: an understanding of jealousy; independent thinking; and an adventurous spirit. Two-out-of-three is not good enough and all three doesn't necessarily make a swinger.

 

I think we all understand jealousy is a negative emotion and choose to ignore it. We are strongly committed to the durability of our relationship and sex with others is simply not a threat. Jealousy is a formidable demon that morphs to milk-toast once conquered. Fear of jealousy influences many playtime rules and boundaries for beginning swingers.

 

We have to think for ourselves and occasionally question authority. We know that "what" we do is just as important as "why". Generally, we do the right thing even when no one is looking and we value the Golden Rule. We expect respectful encounters and transactions.

 

We optimistically look for fun and challenging opportunities. We're willing to take action, cause a change, and respond positively when our cheese is moved. We know how to exercise due caution and evaluate threats to revise our game plan on the fly. The adventure continues as long as we expect to derive a benefit.

 

So, if all the married, non-jealous, independent thinking optimists in the world would raise their hands, we would likely see more armpits than swingers. Swinging is just one of the many adventures we might enjoy. Some folks choose to come to swinging later in life for a variety of reasons. Some folks are unable to participate because their spouse didn't raise their hand.

 

The scope of this thought is limited to long term married couples who have been swinging longer than just an initial trial period. I don't feel qualified to comment for singles and plenty of couples are lured by their fascination of sexual adventure and then discover another adventure suits them better or they apply their energy toward other needs.

 

In summary, once all the higher priority needs have been satisfied and the independently thinking couple turn their sense of adventure toward sex, they are likely to find and explore swinging. Their ability to manage jealousy influences their success probability. Their satisfaction from the adventure influences their duration in swinging.

 

I've donned my flak vest, fire at will.....

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In the end, I think the only real common denominator is that we all enjoy involving others in our sex lives. I've seen too much jealousy among those that do to say that "an understanding of jealousy" is a common factor. And free thinking.... well I've seen some folks pushed into the act, and some who are just led willingly into it the same way they are willingly led into most of their life. As for an "adventerous spirit", well that remains to be seen as well... since "adventerous" is much like the term "open minded" in that it is relative to ones own version of the term.

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I must say, when I first saw the title of your post I cringed...big time...I'm taking a math class and the past two days all I've heard is common denominator/numerator...multiply fractions, divide fractions...YUCK!

 

Anyway, I have to agree with Julie...the only common denominator I see is that we all like having others join us when it comes to sex.

 

T.

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Ladies, thanks for your prime feedback. I know my list of motivational factors is less than perfect because I have a limited set of observations to draw upon. I believe it would violate core concepts of motivational psychology if we swingers truly had no causative or enabling common denominator.

 

Celibacy, monogamy and any of a multitude of consensual non-monogamy patterns are all equally valid choices for one's sexual behavior. Following the status quo or default option doesn't necessarily require a conscious decision. Following the less traveled path is sometimes associated with independent thinking and sometimes a result of pure rebellion. My limited personal observations lead me to believe significantly more people come to swinging through independent thinking than rebellion or blind followship - although that doesn't discount other possible motivations.

 

On the other hand, perhaps you are right - none of this really matters. Swinging is fun and both physically and emotionally healthy. We swing because we enjoy it in the same way we go bowling or stroll through the park because we enjoy that. I don't know of anyone trying to isolate the common motivational factors among bowlers.

 

Does this mean the denominator is irrational?

Edited by socolais

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Does this mean the denominator is irrational?

 

LMAO...either that or undefined.

 

T.

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As an engineer,

 

No WONDER you over thought the whole swinging process before you guys started. Its in your training :)

 

From what I can tell there are two major paths people come into swinging. One is a philosophical path much like you described, the other is a 'it feels good, do it' path.

 

The philosophical path is a bit more uniform because it takes a certain intelligence and self reflection to reach that point. I decided that swinging made sense long before I did an internet search or knew anything about the community.

 

The 'feels good do it' path is far more eclectic and ranges from mouth breathers to thrill seekers and everything in between. I'm not sure if the fetish crowd falls into this (hot wifers for example) but I'll just skip those for now.

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Evidence suggests I'm still overthinking ;)

 

It's the folks that serendiptiously decide to swing when the opportunity is presented, and without a lot of discussion and soul searching - that really has me baffled. We know one couple like that and I guess they're as close to normal as the rest of us.

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Hmmm... one profession in this household approaches things in a forensic way and the other, well, I'm an engineer. :o Our pertinent sexual backgrounds are a mixed bag; mine strongly positive with swinging, while hers, which was not swinging so much as unbounded self-indulgence among pairs or threes or fours of her close friends, proved ruinous of key relationships, long ago.

Nonetheless, we each have an exceptional degree of randiness, humor, warmth, and enjoyment of mind, body and appropriate emotions, with others. We share a very high regard for friends and friendship. That would, even for Meet&Greet (where we are holding, but letting down gradually), put us more in the feel-good approach than the analytical. This maybe gives a hint as to why the set offered above (married, non-jealous, independent thinking optimists) overlaps, but probably does not include the set of swingers.

Swinging involves plentiful senses and capacities. Our brains, had we any thought (sic) of 'em, are massaged through and through by couples liked and desired. This could only be a good thing. :facelick:

Edited by clit pro poet

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The Cheese is ALWAYS moving. And thank you for quoting one of my favorite books.

From that book, Mrs. CXXC and I have taken one question and have applied it to virtually every portion of our lives.

What would I do if I were not afraid?

Without fear we would do EVERYTHING! However, common sense (something that is greatly missing in today’s society) would dictate to each of us that jumping off a bridge without the bungee cord attached is a bad idea.

Common sense will also dictate, to the swinger that jumping into the lifestyle without first discussing and dealing with ones fears (Jealousy would be one of the top 3) is dangerous and is paramount.

The CHEESE is then moved to another location in the maze we call life. We must locate it and then, become comfortable again in our existence as swingers.

I think the one true commonality within the lifestyle is EMOTION.

Fear is an emotion. Jealousy is an emotion. Attraction is an emotion. Desire is an emotion. The list goes on.

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