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Friendship

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JustAskJulie

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This has nothing to do with swinging, just friendship in general.

 

We've had some vanilla friends that we had been getting together with on a semi regular basis at our house over the last year or so. We'd alternate providing dinner and then we'd play some sort of board game. There were rarely ever more than 6 of us that showed up, 2 couples (including us) and 3 singles that alternated and in the case of 2 of them rarely showed up. So it worked out to where we typically provided the food more often than anyone else, usually picking up the slack for the singles. The other couple provided food maybe 1/3 of the time. In addition we rarely ever cracked less than 2 bottles of wine in an evening (provided by us).

 

I had been feeling a bit like we being used as it was. It's not like these people called us up and invited us over when they had things going at their house. Then a couple of weeks ago I had sent out an email to the other couple to see if they were up for a game night. "not this week , but next week is good" was their reply. So this week I sent it out again to be sure. They were in, so I asked if they would mind bringing food.

 

The next day I get an email back from the husband (up this point I had been conversing with the wife) with a 5 point list of why they felt they didn't want to do the game night anymore and all came down to that they felt they were being asked to provide more than their share, and that others weren't providing theirs.

 

Let's see, we have two single guys who rarely ever show up. We have one single girl who provides food about 1/3 of the time she shows up (proportionaly) and when it's "her turn" and she's not there I pick up the slack. And this couple provides about 1/3 of the time.

 

I wrote them back and basically said "ya know you could have just said you were too busy to bring food". I guess I felt like since we'd already planned to do it this week that would have been the "right" thing to do. I would have cooked, we could have had game night... and then we could have dropped it (due to a myriad of other reasons why they felt they needed to - including a new show on TV on Friday nights that they didn't want to miss).

 

If anyone should feel put out in this situatin it's me. I feel like I made an effort to try to establish these friendship and got kicked in the face. I enjoyed hosting people over and I really didn't mind cooking even 2/3 of the time as it often worked out, but I feel like they were just coming over and taking advantage of me now and when asked to put anything back into the friendship it was just too much.

 

This seems to happen to me a lot, I try to develop friendships but others don't return it. I'm not a huge phone person andI realize others aren't either, but I do make an effort to try to actually get together with people I want to be friends with. others don't seem to make that same effort.

 

I can't say it's a great loss on this couple, this is the same couple who has said some pretty disparaging things about swingers (there is a couple that our whole group knows that is VERY open about the activities - and they will regularly comment on that). really the one thing we do have in common is our complete lack of desire to have children or deal with other people's children. But, we did have fun.

 

I guess I'm just frustrated and I needed to vent. I couldn't do it on LS or FB because they are there.

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Guest warrencouple

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Sounds like rather poor form, to me, on the part of the couple. If nothing else, even an offer to host game night at their place, would have been nice. I think some of it, with the food, is, often with "just friends" the feeling is that it is up to the hosts to provide.

 

Frankly, me and Mrs (I can't cook, though) will at least ask if we should bring something. That's just being courteous.

 

As for the TV thing, that's why they invented DVRs / VCRs / DVD-recorders / reruns There isn't any shows on TV that I would want to watch that much, to pass on (what sounds like it is) a fun night out with friends.

Mr.

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And with the tv show thing, it's a show that we actually want to see too, so I had even thrown out the idea of switching things up and having them over to just watch the show on Friday nights (since I do have Tivo). And while they don't have tivo they do have a VCR and regularly record another show so that they can watch it with another set of friends.

 

Another thing that kind of annoyed me - it's not like they ever invited us over to watch (even tho it's also my favorite show).

 

I think it's just another case of how we're putting out effort and they really aren't.

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There are times I think people are just lazy when it comes to cultivating friendships. I mean, you of all people, realize a it does involve a little effort to accomplish. I'm with the other poster. I always want to take some of the trouble off the host and offer to bring something or do something to help with the event. That IS just courteous if nothing else. I hear things like this and I think how we'd love to get together with you both if we had the chance. I'm closer to people on this board than some I see in person because people here make more of an effort.

 

Vol

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Vol, that's sad but true of us as well. Some of our best friends (the ones we can pick up with after not seeing for months or know that they'd have our back if we needed them) live hundreds of miles away and are friends because of this board.

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The way I see it...it's no great loss with this couple.

 

A 5 point list??? Good grief ! Knowing you two, I'm 100% sure you had been giving more than any of the others...hell, you'd been hosting and that in itself is a big deal.

 

Friendships are give and take and even though they don't necessarily have to be 50/50, all parties have to be investing sometime into them. When it comes to one half of a friendship feeling like they're being taken advantage of or being used, it's time to move on and let the friendship fade.

 

T.

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"There are times I think people are just lazy when it comes to cultivating friendships."

"Some of our best friends (the ones we can pick up with after not seeing for months or know that they'd have our back if we needed them) live hundreds of miles away and are friends because of this board."

 

We're mindful of such this week, with Mrs. Alura passing. Friends from this board, friends who have worked hard and traveled far and stayed in touch with one another, will converge next week, with neighbors, family, et al to celebrate Her life.

Friendships will pick up right where they left off (thanks, Julie) and everyone will come with sustenance, willingness, and generosity.

You DO have to work at friendship. And it's better that way, for friends, anyway.

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