First, I would like to apologize in advance for the length of this little tale. The events that take place will give you a better understanding of WHY I don’t fix certain things

Now, I am a pretty handy guy when it comes to building things and fixing stuff around the house. I have a sound knowledge of auto motives and a general working knowledge of carpentry. All in all, I think I am pretty good when it comes to most home improvements. As our home was built in the 50's these talents come in very handy.

There are, however, two areas that I know little or nothing about:

Water and Electrical.

Sure, I can piece together all sorts of PVC and even install a light switch or socket. But that is about the extent of my talents with these two areas.

So, when Mrs. CXXC noticed that the faucet on the back side of the house was dripping slightly, I started to worry. Mrs. CXXC noticed it and asked me to fix it. Now, when she asks that I fix something, she wants it done as soon as humanly possible. Let me tell you the tale.

Mrs. CXXC came out while I was attempting to shut the faucet off and noticed the drip.

Hmmm... This didn’t do it. In fact, the dripping seemed to get faster. So I left it alone that day as I had bigger things to care for. I did agree with Mrs. CXXC that I would take care of it as soon as I had a moment. In her mind, it is a matter of getting a new part and BAM!!! Replace it. Ta Da!!!! All fixed.

The next day, I noticed that the dripping had gotten to be nearly a constant stream of water. I came up with a temporary solution. The idea was to put a sprayer nozzle (You know, the ones you always use on the end of a hose with a trigger to let the water fly.) on the faucet to stop the flow until I could get the courage to fix it.

Now, if this had worked, that nozzle would still be on there as I am not very brave when it comes to fixing water faucets.

As I tightened the heck out of the nozzle I noticed the water kept coming out just as fast as before. It was coming from the knob. The valve in the knob must have finally given way.

Looking at the faucet, I can only guess that this was the original one from 1956, solid brass. First thought, I'm sure no one carries the exact match to this faucet and I am going to end up having to replace EVERYTHING!!!

What to do? I have to get this faucet off or my water bill is going to be sky high. So, I figure the best thing to do is to get under the house and look at the back of the faucet to see if there is anyway to shut it off from beneath the house.

Ok, remember I am 6'4" 225 pounds. Who in the name of construction came up with the entry port design for a crawl space in Savannah GA? The foolish this is only 24" X 16". A Jockey from Saratoga would have trouble getting through this.

I squeezed myself through this little space and get myself positioned for the belly crawl to that section of the house.

Hmmm.... It sure is dark under here. I wish I had brought a flash light. The ground is cool and dry but it is still old dirt and, well, dirty. I really didn’t think I would have to belly crawl that far so I didn’t bother to change into my grunge clothes for the task.

Belly, belly, crawl, crawl. MAN! This is a long way. I finally reach the spot. In the dark, I really can't see anything that resembles a union or even a shut off. Looking at the back of the faucet, I can see that it is soldered to the pipe. Oh boy. Sweating copper is not my specialty at all!!!

I look about for anything that I could see that would resemble a shut off. In the limited light, I can see something in the center of the house. Time to crawl again! UGH!

Now during this entire time I had not really paid much attention to our lovely little Beagle, Peanut. She was just beside herself with joy as she ran around under the house sniffing and looking for whatever interested her. However, at one point in her “hunt” she stopped and began to dig. This dog must have found Jimmy Hoffa the way she was digging. I was actually some what afraid she might come up with human bones.

The house is only a 2200 square foot ranch. So, it is only about 50' long by about 40' wide. This is not too big, unless you have to belly crawl and climb over heat ducts and under pipes or power lines etc... I am starting to hate this house.

Well, after crawling a distance I can equate to a marathon, I get to the center of the house and find that THERE IS NO SHUT OFF THERE!!!!

ACK!!!

I lay there for a moment and thought who would know where the shut off is. AH HA!!! My realtor would know!! Fortunately, I had my cell phone with me.

Hey! Look at that! I have light too! Cool!!!

dial, dial, dial, ring, ring, ring. He picks up and I ask where the shut off might be. I cringe at his answer. "Should be near the front of the house." UGH!!!

Peanut is still attempting to unearth Jimmy. This dog is nuts.

So, belly crawling again, this time with something of a light. I reach the front portion of the house. I foolishly crawled to the dead center of the front so I will end up backtracking over one section as I search the other half. GRRRRR.

Well, let me tell you, I was nearly exhausted by the time I reached the front right corner of the house. I was also very frustrated to find that there was NO SHUT OFF!!!!

With my head hanging low (actually dragging in the dirt) I crawled my way back to the entrance and climbed my big self out. I looked like I had been living in a sewer when I looked down. That dirt was just black as coal and fine as silt. Not wanting to bring this stuff in, I just took everything off right there on the deck and went in to see if I could find a shutoff inside.

No shutoff anywhere in the house. Now I KNOW there has to be a shut off. So I call my realtor again.

Me, "Are you sure there is a shut off under the house near the front?"

Realtor laughing, "Not UNDER the house! In the front of the house. Probably close to the street!"

ACK!!!!!

After getting changed into my grubby clothes (Ones I intend on getting grubby that is) I walk to the front yard and there it is!! A lid aobut 1' by 1' with the word, Water Co. on it. so off to the tool shed I go to get something to pry the lid off and to shut the water off.

The lid was easy. Three issues hit me immediately upon opening the lid.

1. What the heck kind of wrench do you use to turn that thing off?

2. What kind of wrench is that long?

3. Where in the world would I find this wrench?

So now I need to find this odd tool to turn off the water so that I can fix the faucet. The idea hits me, I know who will be able to tell me where to find it! My realtor!

“Home Depot has them.” He answers. “Is there anything else you need?

I hung up. Hey, he made a good bit of change off this house. I should be able to bug him a bit!

So I get to home Depot, walk up and down the tool isle looking for anything that would fit what I saw. No dice! I Had no idea what I was looking for so I had to do it again.

“It’s called a water key.” My realtor said with a tone I had never heard before.

I walk all over the place trying to find someone to point me to a water key. WHAT? Were they all on break? There was no one. Not one person but me and some customers walking around. I even asked a guy who looked like he worked in some carpentry or building industry.

“Excuse me! Can you tell me where they have the Water Keys?” I asked so politely!

“I don’t work here.” He replied, turning to walk away.

“That’s not what I asked you! Do you know where they have the water keys tho?” I asked politely still.

“How should I know! I don’t work here!” He barked.

I guess if you are not employed at Home Depot, you don’t know where anything is. But I digress.

At long last, I see an employee (Stealthily trying not to be seen) and call out to him. I ask him where the water keys are and he points directly behind me at the end of the isle I had just been in.

I grab the foolish item which looks like the capital letter “T” with a funky box at the bottom. Its about 3 feet long.

Ok. Back at the house.

The first thing I do when I get to the house is pull out my trusty water key. I love new tools. I use the little lip thing on the handle to pull the lid off the valve. Lower the key into position and get ready to turn and turn and turn till the main is off. The key turns ½ a turn and that is it. I wondered if it was stuck or just rusty. So I add more pressure and it will not budge.

Realtor again, “Yes?”

“How many turns do you need to shut the water off?”

“Turns? What do you mean? It is like a two way valve. One position is open the other is closed!”

“OH! Thanks! Bye!”

Well, I turned it and now I need to get a few tools together before going under and cut off the pipe:

Cordless Saws-All with hack saw blade.

Vice grips

Flash light

Channel Locks

Knee pads

Goggles

New water bib

Plastic fittings and connectors.

Ok. I am ready. So I toss everything in the little hole before I enter. I slide my big butt into the little space. I felt like I was leaving the womb again. Peanut was under the house with no trouble. I hate this dog.