Lights on! I can see now! Wow! This place is filthy! 50+ years of dust, dirt and stuff. Now wonder I was so covered when I got out.

Ok. Crawling to the spot was fairly simple. I had to toss the tools ahead, so that slowed me down a bit. I get there and realize that I am going to have to do this work on my back. I grab the saws-all, fit the blade and immediately realize that the pipe is in such a place that prevents me from using the saws-all. ACK!!!!!! I have to crawl back out, get my little hand blade and do this the hard way!

Crawl, Crawl, Crawl….SQUEEZE! Go grab my hand held hack saw and return. I crawled about 10 feet in before I realized I left the flash light on the deck! ACK!!! I was aobut to call it a day and have Mrs. CXXC do this.

If you are still with me to this point, you must have nothing else to read or do. But I thank you for being here! So, on with the rest of the story!

I get back to the spot, get into position. Peanut is digging for Jimmy again and this time, I really think she will find him!!

I start the slow arduous process of sawing away with my hand held hack saw. The confined space makes it so that I am only able to move the blade 2 inches at a time. I knew this was going to be a pain in the ASS!!!!

At last, I break through the ½ in copper tubing. One little droplet of water forms then another and before you know it, I am being sprayed with water as if it was coming from the nozzle itself. CRAP!!!! I must have turned the water main the Wrong way! I am now soaked and doing everything I can to crawl away from the spray of water with my limited vision as the goggles do not have wiper blades. The ground is turning into mud. The tools are getting wet. Peanut is digging to china and Mrs. CXXC is oblivious to my efforts.

As I reach the entrance to the crawl space I notice the pressure and stream begin to lessen. It hit me. I didn’t purge the lines! DOH!! I am such a tool!

I pull myself from the frigging hole in the wall. I swear it shrunk while I was under the house. I walk to the front of the house and turn the faucet on to purge the line. My greatest fear is that when all is done, I will have to fix this one too. But if it leaks, I will call a plumber.

Back under the house!

Peanut has lost interest in Jimmy Hoffa and has taken to playing in the mud now. She is covered from head to toe from rolling in it. Naturally, she is quite interested in what I have going on and will not leave me alone now. So, I have water, still running from the slit in the pipe, mud everywhere and a dog sniffing me and my tools. I am not a happy camper.

It took me nearly ½ an hour to finally cut through the pipe. My arms were nearly useless by this time. I lay in the mud, on my back, soaked form the ground and the water that had still not fully purged from the system. I was starting to get cold. Peanut had finally decided that Jimmy was again, more interesting and had disappeared into the 3 foot deep hole she had made. I’m gonna kill that dog.

The pipe is now in section. I try to push the section out through the hole in the wall but the damn thing will not budge. I work on this pipe for another 20 minutes but cannot get it to move out. It dawns upon me that the faucet had two fairly large mason screws, one on each side holding it in place against the brick. I HAVE TO CRAWL BACK OUT!!! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

As I had suspected, the screws were holding it firmly in place. They came out easily as did the faucet and pipe section. I looked about for the new bib to replace the old one and realized it was under the house! Why did I bring it under the house? I was really getting pissed off and the only dog I could kick was busy building a bunker under my home! Fortunately, I had only taken the bib under the house to the entrance so I only had to crawl half way into the shrinking orifice.

Once the bib was in place, I made the millionth journey beneath the house. I put the parts together, tightened everything down and looked over my work to make sure it was right. All was well. Grabbing and tossing my tools forward, I slowly made my way out from beneath my home for what I hoped would be the last time.

I walked to the front of the house, turned the water key and immediately heard the spraying of water. I ran to the back of the house, and saw that there was no water coming from the faucet ont his side of the wall. I stuck my head in the ever shrinking hole and saw that nothing was leaking there. But I could hear water streaming and spraying from somewhere.

ACK!!! I had not closed the faucet on the front part of the house.

All in all, it took me three hours ++ to change the faucet. I was the beagle from beneath the house (took pepperoni) when it dawned on me just how absolutely nasty I was. Mud was everywhere. No wonder the dog didn’t want to come near me, I looked like the Swamp Thing.

I rewarded myself with a nice hot shower and a cold beer. I sat down in the family room, turned on the DVD player and decided to watch a good action flick. Things blow up in them and I wanted carnage!!!

Mrs. CXXC came home, walked into the family room and said, “Honey, the ceiling fan in the guest room is making a humming sound and will not turn very fast. Will you fix it?”

“FUCK YOU!”