One thing I hate more than stubbing my toe in MY OWN HOME is the TSA. This band of fools, idiots and freshly promoted mouth breathers make every vacation a test for just about everyone.

I guess after years of working at McDonalds or not working at all, the opportunity to obtain a govt. job (and eventually a retirement package) is a dream come true.

They are rude, ignorant, intolerant, and most of all getting a superiority complex akin to the prison guard/prisoner relationship.

I could go on and on about these pimples on the ass of humanity and the lack of an true need for them as they do not protect at all. But my story is more aobut how I get even with them each time I pass by them on my way out or back from a trip! I should also make mention that I have absolutely no modesty nor am I ahy in any way regarding speaking in public.

Last June Mrs. CXXC and I went to Desire Resort and Spa in Cancun Mexico. This was our 10th anniversary and I wanted to do it up right. 2 weeks in heaven, nothing spared, this trip was all about Mrs. CXXC!

First thing I should remind everyone, 1st class does not have the same weight limits on luggage. It is 75 pounds per bag and there are not extra fees for the 2nd bag. I packed as if we were in coach.

The reason I mention the packing issue is that while packing, we had to put several items in our carry on that we would not normally. These items were mainly sex toys.

I had my laptop backpack filled with various items of a sexual nature as well as my laptop and medications (No viagra). As we approached the X-ray machine we were ready to just breeze right through.

We had everything metal off and in the bucket, no shoes, no hats, belt buckle off, no change, everything was in the bucket.

I slid all of our carry on stuff through to the machine and walked through the metal detector. Not a beep!

Mrs. CXXC walks through and BEEP!!!

The TSA Moron tells her to empty her pockets. She is standing before him in a spaghetti strapped sun dress (No POCKETS) and a thong. Nothing else.

She informs the moron that she does not have any pockets. This Mental Tax break insists she has pockets. Mrs. CXXC announces with great disdain, "It’s a sundress! There are no pockets! Do I need to take it off?"

Rather quickly and to my surprise, the leader of "Jerry's Kids" is immediately beside Mrs. CXXC asking her to clam down. Mrs. CXXC was not being excited but was speaking in a voice loud enough to be heard above the din of the others being nearly strip searched by Neanderthals.

I step to the side of my wife to see what I can do and am asked to step aside as they wand her.

"Are there batteries in that thing? I don't want you to waste your time!" I ask.

I get dumb looks from many people some times, but this troupe of malcontents tops it for me. "DOES EVERY ONE HERE HAVE AN EXTRA CHROMOSONE???" I announce as they pull me to be searched now.

It appears we are now subjects of interest and our carry-on bag had some questionable items. OH! They were going to be so sorry they stopped me.

The best part for me is that a fairly young and pretty (Not the thick and ugly one I usually see behind this badge. You know the type, dullards walking into walls with dead eyes and no lights on) young lady had my carry-on and was opening it. My laughter was building.

"They are opening our carry-on now." I yell across the partition to my wife, as I give her a step-by-step of the event.

The little lady looks up at me as a deer in the headlights when she realizes that the bag is filled with sex toys. My grin is so broad, the top of my head nearly falls off!!

Item one, the Hitachi wand is the first to be removed...."She just pulled out your Hitachi Wand Vibrator!" I announce.

Heads turn.

Item two, 20 pack of maxim condoms.... "Now she is looking at my condoms!"

Mrs. CXXC is not really paying attention to me as she is being “Wanded” and Ogled by the thugs in uniform. She threatens to take the sundress off to show she has no metal or weapons hidden. The mental midgets consider this and I SWEAR I saw one of them touch himself with the thought! Filthy disgusting animals!!!!

This poor child, searching my bag, is not looking at anything else but the bag and its content. Her eyes are intentionally being kept down. I almost feel for her. Guilt by association! Sorry, I just can’t do it. No compassion here!

Item three, the rabbit...."She has your blue Rabbit Vibrator! Did you pull the batteries? You know that thing kills batteries if you leave them in it."

People are starting to back up as the TSA agent pulls more things from the bag. The area is getting crowded and packed with people wanting to see what is next and hear what I am saying. I even noticed a few giggles and smiles. I was having fun!

Item 4, waterproof remote control vibrator....."Yep, Honey, they just keep pulling out all your sex toys! She just finger banged your wireless remote controlled waterproof vibrator! You know the one you like in the hot tub? The pink covered thing with the pleasure dots all over it! The one we took to the club and you danced with it on high all night! Remember?"

I think I had gone overboard a little that time as a second TSA agent stood beside the girl and asked me to keep my voice down. I had to argue tho. So I did!

"Hey! If you are going to put you hands all over my wife and my sex toys, causing me to have to re-sanitize them before we can use them, I want her to know which ones you are contaminating!" I debated with them loudly for just a few moments before the Mental Midget of a Manager came over to where I was standing and attempted to control the situation.

Item 5, and at the perfect time, the MONSTER DILDO! 13 Inches long and 9 inches in circumference. HOT PINK! With the words, “The Punisher” on the package. This was a gift for a friend meeting us in Mexico.

I hear a mumbling, “Holy crap! Look at that thing!” in the crowd.

It was perfect! The girl pulled it out and as it was still int hat hard plastic package, it had to be pulled ALL THE WAY OUT!

The manager got to my side JUST IN TIME to see the MONSTER COCK inch its way from the bag. When this master of intellect went to speak, he just stood there lip drooping closer to the floor!

“That’s it Honey! We are going to have to wash all of our sex toys when we get to the resort. They have pulled them all out, Including the MONSTER DILDO!”

This snaps the manager out of his stupor. “Sir, you are going to have to keep it down.”

Remember now, I’m 6’4” and don’t often meet people my height. When needed I take full advantage of my stature. With my hands out to the sides, open palms, I move in closely to the manager, look down upon him and say in my deep and most commanding voice, “Let my wife and I go, and we are no longer your problem!”

He nodded to the young lady who had pulled everything out of the bag. She started to put the monster cock back in but was unable to as the bag had other items still in it. I asked if I could help. She smiled and handed me my bag. I slid to my left just an inch or two just to give the guy beside me some room for his inspection and proceeded to pull everything out of the bag and repack it.

It only took me two or three minutes to repack my bag, retrieve all of our belongings and make it out of the security station. However, in those two minutes, I heard several giggles, mumbles and and ocasional tisk, tisk!

Once we had our shoes on and stuff back where it all belonged, we headed straight to the Admirals club for several drinks and to relax before the flight! By the way, Mrs. CXXC couldn’t understand what I was saying at all as the TSA fools were constantly talking around her.