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And the MORON of the Year Award goes to.....
So, as generally happens when one drives a vehicle as much as I do, (137,000 in 3 years) tires need to be replaced. This particular Friday, I was pressed for time, but needed to get my rear tires replaced ASAP. My weekend in Baltimore depended upon them.
Now, I knew better than to take my trusty vehicle to Wally World. Sure, they have the same tires everyone else carries. Yes, they sell them a tad cheaper than other places. Why the hesitation? Well, to be blunt, I swear Wal-mart hires people whose IQ’s could be tax breaks. I often wonder what the interview process is like for the tire center.
Manager: Last grade completed?
Applicant: Uhhh… I got a b in shop.
Manager: So you’re handy with tools?
Applicant: I helped my uncle change a tire once.
Manager: So you are familiar with the process of changing tires?
Applicant: Sure am! We take the car to Wal-Mart to get new ones!
Manager: So you could say you are a loyal Wal-Mart employee if Hired?
Applicant: You gonna hire me?
Manager: Only if you don’t mind working for minimum wage and as a part time employee to help us defray the costs of having fulltime employees.
Applicant: Where do I make my mark?
Manager: Just sign right Here. Here’s your smock. Go report to the tire center and start changing tires!
Applicant: Cool! Ummmm.. Where is the tire center and how do you change a tire?
This conversation ran through my head the entire time I was waiting for my tires to be changed. I got there by 9:00 but didn’t leave until just after noon! 3++ hours waiting for my tires to be changed is a tad ridiculous! When I brought the vehicle in they said there was only one person ahead of me and it should be no more than an hour. ONE HOUR! NOT THREE!!!
With the idea that I would be in and out in ONE HOUR, I decided to take a look at the electronics section. Trust me, I can spend an hour in ANY electronics section of any store. So, I happily browsed the shelves looking at the computer peripherals, games, stereos, TV’s, new DVD’s, the works. I even made a few mental notes to compare prices with a couple places on certain items. All was going well.
One hour had passed. I went to the Tire Center to retrieve my vehicle but ended up standing at the counter for no less than 15 minutes. AT LONG last, someone in the department decided to grace the customers with being at their post. I asked about my vehicle and was informed that it was not yet done but should be completed within the next 30 minutes.
Hmmmm…. 30 more minutes! Back to the Electronics department. You don’t realize just how fast time flies when you rifle through the bargain bin of DVD’s. With a couple in hand, I march back to the Tire Center. I had actually taken nearly 40 minutes picking out a couple movies that I wanted and figured that should be enough time to finish with the truck.
Now, wouldn’t you know, there is only one person at the counter helping customers while two other idiots stand back and chat about not being happy with something the manager had said or done. The conversation didn’t matter as much as the fact that there were 4 people standing in line and only one person was assisting them. I was getting a little miffed. After waiting 20 minutes (I timed it) I was next to be served. Just as I stepped up to the counter, the clerk stepped away and went into the garage without saying a word to me! The two clowns standing behind the counter continued to hold the meaningless conversation. I could take no more of this and excused myself by butting into their conversation.
ME: Can you tell me if my vehicle is finished? I brought it in TWO hours ago to get two back tires put on.
Thing 1: I don’t work in this department!
Thing 2: the manager just went into the garage. I’ll ask her when she comes back in.
I was dumbfounded. I stood there looking all around to see if I had fallen into a paradoxical universe where you got paid to do nothing!!! Had I some how messed up the space time continuum? Where was Pickard? Screw him! Where is my Ray gun? I want to blast these two idiots into the Delta Quadrant!
I think 5 more minutes passed. The woman who had been behind the counter helping the customers returned. SHE WAS THE MANAGER of the Tire Center. I calmly asked,
“Is my truck ready?”
Manager: “What type of truck is it?”
ME: “Burgundy F-150 King Cab”
Manager: “Oh! No sir. Its not! We had a problem with one of the locks. It should only be another 15 minutes though!”
With a heavy sigh, I thanked the lady and decided to stick close to the tire center. I walked the isles looking at air fresheners, chrome this or that for vehicles that really should not have chrome, fuzzy cup holders, every kind of dice known to man and assorted waxes. It really didn’t take too long to cover the auto section. However, I made the 15 minutes pass. I took the 20 or so steps to the Tire Center and again, stood in line.
After another 15 minutes of waiting for my turn, (Thing one and two had left) I stepped to the counter and asked about my truck. Remember, I am now looking at 2-1/4 hours here. The woman looks at me and AGAIN, asks what kind of vehicle I had.
ME: “The burgundy Ford F-150 King Cab needing 2 back tires!”
Manager: “That’s right! Ummm… They are still having an issue with one of the locks. It really shouldn’t take much longer. I’m really sorry about this! Have a cup of coffee in the lounge. Ill call you when its finished!”
She pulled the old Jedi mind trick on me! Coffee! My kryptonite! I can’t resist a cup! My olfactory senses kicked in and I immediately followed the scent! Damn weakness! DAMN JEDI MIND TRICK!
So, here I was pouring a nice cup of stale Joe when, like a bolt of lightening, it hit me! I DON’T HAVE WHEEL LOCKS!!!!!
I was dumbfounded! I just had to see what these mouth breathing morons were trying to do to my truck! I moved as quickly as I could out the door to the parking lot of the Tire Center. There, not one but THREE future TSA Agents were trying to pry the passenger side door frame open in an attempt to UNLOCK MY TRUCK! They had locked the keys in the ignition!!! I threw the coffee and ran toward them yelling, “STOP!!! You are going to warp my window frame!!!!!”
I reached the vehicle and assembled mouth breathers. They had a rubber wedge jammed into the top frame of the door and were attempting to hit the lock button with a metal rod of some sort. I instructed them to remove the wedge and rod. They did. I pulled the hide-a-key from the wheel well and opened the drivers side door. Handed the lead mouth breather the key ring and stormed back to the Tire Center.
Well, naturally, there were 3 people standing in line but I could no longer deal with this level of stupidity!
ME: They locked the keys in the ignition over 2 hours ago. I just opened the vehicle for them! I had a spare key! YOU should have told me this right off the bat! Get the tires changed on that thing IMMEDIATELY! Ill be back in 30 minutes!”
I was livid! So, what does someone who is livid in a Wal-Mart do? They go back to the electronics department and dig for more movies.
True to my word, I returned within 30 minutes exactly. My vehicle was finished and ready to go! I paid the manager for the tires and service but informed her that she, thing one and two and the three future TSA Agents will be mentioned in my letter to the home office. She apologized for the mess. She actually meant it. So, I think I will cut her some slack. But the rest of the short bus riders are in for a scathing letter!
And there they stood, prying my door apart, not even thinking to contact me or use the intercom to reach me in the chance that I had a key! And the Moron of they Year Award goes to……. ME! I went there to get tires!!!
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