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"Not meeting new couples at this time."

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The Fuse

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For the first time since we started in the lifestyle three and a half years ago, Mr. Fuse and I are "not meeting new couples". This feels strange to me, and not that good. It was not on my initiative. The strangeness comes from the feeling that this is the first time we are moving in the general direction away from swinging, rather than further into it. I say the general direction because we are not quitting... we're just saying we're not meeting anyone new. We are seeing two couples regularly right now and may have a first playdate soon with a third couple we've had one non-play date with.

 

I actually hope that if the right new couple ended up in front of us, Mr. Fuse would find himself changing his mind. But until then, I am telling people who ask "sorry, we're not meeting anyone new". I don't like this, because for instance we've gotten winks from two hot couples on one site recently. Normally I would email an attractive couple who winked. Now, I hold it to winking back, which of course results in nothing happening, which is appropriate for us at the moment.

 

So why did Mr. Fuse want to stop meeting new couples? We have had a few disappointments in the past year or so that have left him feeling like he wants to stop "seeking", I suppose. Some people reading this know that we have been poly in the past. If we are being honest we admit that we would like to be again, if there is a couple we feel that way about. Unlike my husband, though, I don't hope for it. I just try to enjoy each couple for whatever the interaction brings, and not be looking at people like they are our next big adventure. Casual sex and fun social times are just dandy for me. Mostly they are for him too, but he is more prone to hope for more when he likes someone a lot. Me... my viewpoint is different and perhaps I am a little more resilient than he is.

 

During the past year there have been two other experiences that were disappointing enough for him that I guess he wants to stop meeting new people. One of those couples we are now vanilla friends with, and we really enjoy each other's company, getting together once every few weeks. But the problem was that she didn't enjoy playing with him, and that hurt him. We were on the "rebound" at the time, and we have such a great four-way match in all other ways that we were both hoping for more. That truly sucked but I am stubbornly looking at the bright side. These people are special and I can see us knowing them for a long time. As playmates, even if it were good, the friendship might be shorter.

 

Another couple, from an earlier blog entry, decided swinging was not for them after all. They were pretty inexperienced and we were their first fully successful swap. This struck Mr. Fuse again, and pretty hard, because he was really into her and they seemed to have a strong connection. Actually, I know they did. I've never seen him with such a strong sexual connection with a new playmate. He described the experience as "transcendent". My husband doesn't use words like that lightly. He doesn't say "awesome" or "perfect" or even "great" or "absolutely" in normal conversation. So, even though that one didn't go south because of a mis-match between him and a partner, it seems to have caused him to withdraw from swinging enough not to want to meet anyone new.

 

Where do we go from here? If we are lucky, we continue to have a good time with the two couples we are seeing. One is new and very enthusiastic, and we all seem to have a good match... and we all know that's not easy. The other couple is one we've been seeing since last Christmas. I have a better match than he does with that one. We may be coming to the end of our time with them... we will see. If we are even luckier, we will play with the couple we had drinks with a few weeks ago, and have a good time. I just hope that after a little while of not thinking of meeting anyone new, Mr. Fuse finds himself refreshed and ready to explore new people again. Whatever does happen, will happen with us caring for each other's happiness more than anything else.

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If you care for each others' happiness, as you say, more than anything else, you will enjoy the luxury of allowing The Lifestyle to lead you into whatever it may rather than to try to make The Lifestyle conform to your wants.

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I think "not in search mode" can be a healthy posture. Some people NEED to swing in a way that appears unattractive to us. We don't want a playmate that appears needy, we want someone that is excited about sharing their sexuality in a confident and caring way. We've found our group of occasional playmates through local private parties. We've stopped doing the couple dating thing because the parties match our preferences so well. We go to a party knowing in advance we're quite likely to get laid by someone we've enjoyed before - but there are also parties where maybe one or both of us don't make a connection for the evening. The parties are fun and sexually exciting even when we don't connect.

 

The mode that works for us is not a recipe for success for everyone. I'm saying we got lucky and found a way the we both can enjoy the social interaction and casual sex with friendly folks.

 

Be on the lookout for a fresh, new opportunity and I hope yall find your Nirvana.

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SW_PA_Couple: I'm not ashamed to admit that I am trying to find the overlap between what my husband wants and what I want in the lifestyle. I wouldn't pursue something if it wasn't what he wanted as well.

 

But if I give something I want up because our desires as a couple are higher priority, I'm also not ashamed to say I am a little bummed about passing that thing up. It's like passing up the chocolate cake to stay in shape. I still want the cake and wish I could eat it... I just want to stay in shape more and am glad to make that choice.

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socolais: great stuff. May your good fortune continue! And don't get me wrong -- I'm extremely happy with the way things are now. We have a lot of fun and are pursuing the things we enjoy in life.

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Fuse, I think I'm more like you than anyone in our quad. Sure, finding them, and loving them, has enriched our lives even with the work involved. But sex for just fun was fine (as is fine) with me as well.

 

It seems Mr. Fuse takes things a bit more seriously if I'm reading him correctly. That being the case, both the incidents you described would be difficult for him to get past. Give him some time to do that. And some time to remember all the fun you had before these incidents. That even if finding another couple to have a poly relationship is the goal, nothing wrong with enjoying the journey of the hunt.

 

Vol

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It is often that a sexual connection will create a release of biochemical drugs in the brain. Certain ones create feelings of love, comfort, lust, connection and more. The release is literally cued by the other person and can be started by simple facial expressions like eye contact or a smile. These same biochemicals also can create varying levels of obsession. We've all experienced this at some point in our lives over someone. The only thing that resolves this is time and it can be a real difficult thing for some to get over. I believe this is what your husband goes through. -- Susan

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It is often that a sexual connection will create a release of biochemical drugs in the brain. Certain ones create feelings of love, comfort, lust, connection and more. The release is literally cued by the other person and can be started by simple facial expressions like eye contact or a smile. These same biochemicals also can create varying levels of obsession. We've all experienced this at some point in our lives over someone. The only thing that resolves this is time and it can be a real difficult thing for some to get over. I believe this is what your husband goes through. -- Susan

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Susan,

 

Thank you for your comment. I am certain you are right. I've experienced this myself. Time really is the only cure. Since writing this entry, I've sort of burned out on the hunt myself. So my husband and I are more in step in our desires. We have two couples in our life right now, and some other people we know who might be playmates in the future. We'll see what happens from here. Feels like an "ebb" time as opposed to a "flow" time.

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This is a frustrating issue for us right now.

 

Due to a change of circumstance we are down to zero couples we are currently playing with. Mrs. Chicup is still hesitant to meet new couples and I can't disagree with her for a lot of various reasons.

 

For the next several months, unless a perfect couple falls into our lap, we are simply going to be idle.

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