Thus begins the Chronicle of the very rewarding vacation trip taken by Michael and JoAnn of The Swingersboard in the month of the Emperor Julius and in Year of Our Lord, two-thousand and nine.

Our vacation was planned around the Meet-up in Gatlinburg. But that was the only destination that was planned ahead. For the other days that we would be away from home and obligations, we simply loaded our travel bags and ourselves into the Prius each morning and headed off on a whim toward one of the points of the compass. We have shared trips to far-away places but were amazed to discover what there is within a five-hundred miles radius of where we live.

Day One – Left the house at about 10 am under a clear sky and seventy-degrees temperature. The weather was simply gorgeous throughout the trip. We drove south on the Interstate Highway number 79 and then south again on US Route 19 to the New River Gorge Bridge. After leaving I-79 we did not, in fact, travel any other freeway for the remainder of the trip. The Bridge is the site of a yearly event when all traffic is stopped and people are allowed to attach a bungee cord, one end to the bridge structure, the other to themselves, and jump. Nobody was jumping the day we were there but at the lookout, we spoke to a few people, received some recommendations and calibrated our next move. Nearly everyone told us we should drive the Blue Ridge Parkway. I spotted a place on the AAA map named Galax. I have a 1960s, 33 1/3 rpm phonograph record featuring the Galex Fiddlers Convention so I recognized the name of this town.

We programmed this destination into the Prius’ navigational panel and headed that way. Whenever we travel, we hope to find antiques stores along our way. We were a little surprised that on the route suggested by the navigator, we were seeing very few. But when we pulled into Galex (you have to go a bit off the highway into the older “business district”), we found what appears to be the antiques capital of Virginia. Slightly disappointing, the good citizens of Galex roll up the sidewalks at 5 each afternoon – all of the shops were closed. Evidence that the fiddlers’ convention still happens each year was seen but this was not the right time of year for it. We had hours of daylight yet to use so we went to the Blue Ridge Parkway and headed South.

The Blue Ridge Parkway is a treasure. No commercial traffic and a maximum speed of forty-five miles per hour. At one of the overlooks, we encountered a hitch-hiking drifter and his dog named Charlie. Would have given him a ride in the direction he was headed but we don’t do dogs. But he regaled us with stories for a while. We decided to say in Boone, North Carolina. We have for a while been wondering were we might find a retirement home so one of our intentions was to ask around wherever we stopped. The bartender at the TGI Friday, who is third-generation Boone family, said that the summers are gorgeous and that winter snow really does not become too terribly big a nuisance; three- or four-foot drifting at most. Well, we are certainly not going to move to a place that has winter weather more severe than the place we now live so we scratched Boone from the list. Friendly place, though. People take the time to reach out to you.

Day Two – More travel on the Blue Ridge Parkway and we stopped to see everything. There is one place along the way that has the appearance of being in a continual mist and light rain while the sun is shining. The southern sides of the trees are covered in moss and any places normally in shadow are a riot of fungi and slippery stuff. The Parkway ends at the southern entrance to the Smokey Mountain National Park. The park is used extensively by people carrying picnic baskets so there are very few places for pulling over to the side of the road that are not already occupied. Gatlinburg appears magically like the legendary Brigadoon. The last mile to the hotel at which we had our reservation took as much time to travel as the road through the National Park. We bathed, powdered ourselves, dressed and met our Swingersboard friends at the appointed hour. It is so nice to have faces to associate with the names of people with whom you have exchanged so many messages. As for the remainder of the evening and early morning, well, what happens in Gatlinburg stays in Gatlinburg. I will say that the group probably provided enlightenment and entertainment for a few restaurant and nightclub employees as well as patrons. Maybe even some things to talk about after church on Sunday morning.

Day Three – The Gatlinburg Aquarium is the best. A lot of people pass though but you never feel pressed or crowded. Pigeon Forge is built around a miles long parkway that is lined with flashing billboards and signs, exotic-looking thrill rides, franchise hotels and restaurants. It is family entertainment; a kind of Disneyland/Disneyworld/Las Vegas Strip of the Great Smokey Mountains. But maybe even this is not a fair comparison. It has a character of its own. A block or two off of the parkway are some fabulous and very authentic finds. We heartily recommend the Old Mill Restaurant. We had accepted an invitation for a breakfast meeting with people who had contacted us thought a swingers’ Web site. They too are authentic and I am not referring to a long beard or bib overhauls, of which neither was wearing. People like these make us feel good in many ways.

Another evening with the Swingersboard people. Still amazed at how quickly and easily they (we) became comfortable with each other’s company.

Day Four – We drive around the periphery of the Great Smokey Mountains National Park. Much of this is a twisty, curvy two-lane road. We were thinking of seeing the stage play Unto when we arrived in Cherokee. If you plan a trip of your own, please keep in mind that the Cherokee are fundamentally a Christian Nation and no play is staged on Sunday. On our next trip for sure. Different hotel, in Seviersville, on Sunday evening.

Day Five – Dollywood! Highlight for me: The Rebel Railroad, now called Dollywood Express, is pulled by a real 2-8-2 Baldwin locomotive that operates on the same fuel it was originally designed to burn, coal, and takes you on a thirty-minutes ride though the woods around Pigeon Forge. Highlight for JoAnn: The wooden roller coaster. The Journey to the Center of the Earth seems out-of-place but, hey, the park is meant for kids and young families.

Evening -- We had also accepted the invitation the swinging couple had given us to see them at their place high atop a hill overlooking a mist-filled valley. Oh, my! It is an interesting sight when a woman fills the inside of a Tennessee Tuxedo while wearing nothing underneath.

Day Six – Goodbye to the Smokey Mtns. and a meandering ride though eastern Tennessee and central Kentucky. We descended into the cool depths of the Mammoth Cave. The park ranger and guide asked us to stop in a big room, turn off all of our flashlights, cameras and cell phones so that there was absolutely no light. Then he turned off the cavern’s electric lights. He told us the story of how one of the original guides of the 1830s first crossed the “Bottomless Pit”. Erie silence in the tour group. We then drive to Loretto but were too late to have a tour of the Maker’s Mark distillery so stayed the evening.

Day Seven – How do you make bourbon whiskey? Well apparently it’s no secret but still difficult to do correctly. At the Loretto distillery, they let you put your finger into the vat of first-day fermenting corn and wheat (sweet), the second-day fermentation mix (somewhat like beer or bread), and the third-day’s (sour). In the reception building, I almost leapt out of my shoes when the portraits of the original owner’s family members began talking to me just like the portraits at Hogwarts Academy. Later in the day, we visit with my family in Lexington. JoAnn is so patient during these visits. We took them all out to their favorite restaurant. Returning to the family home, we waited until the old folks began to fall asleep in their chairs, bid them a good night and promised to visit again soon.

Day Eight – The Kentucky Horse Farm then the John and Annie Glenn Historic Site in New Concord, Ohio. We have never in all of these years been able to persuade any of the relatives to join us on a tour of the Horse Farm so, dammit, we did one of our own. It seems there is always something going on. On the day of our visit, a national event for young riders, dressage. In New Concord, we were given a full tour of the John and Annie Glenn Home even though we had arrived five minutes after closing. Theater students from the Muskingum College play different members of the Glenn family as they would have been in the late 1930s, the time that “Johnny” growing up. We recommend the Banana Peel Restaurant. It’s just a family-owned ice cream shop but it’s wonderful. The home-made soup, called Amish soup, is delicious and I sat at John Glenn’s stool at the counter; his name is signed on the bottom. By the end of the day, we were asleep in our own beds.

Days Nine, Ten and Eleven – It’s great when the children have all gone off to have lives of their own. The house was exactly the way we left it except the lawn was a little shaggier.