We've noticed this as well and even much more as we are 10 years older than you. Even before swinging people have commented that we look (and act) younger than we are. And we are not Ken and Barbie, I guess if we worked real hard and lost weight we would approach that side of the equation.

We don't have an exacting set of specifications that a couple must match but we of course want to be attracted to the other couple and not just go with anyone. I think we have been fortunate to find a number of couples that we find attractive and are average or better as far as being in shape. At nearing 50, our impression is the men have let themselves go much more than the women. And some of that is just nature I guess.

We can be a bit choosy in what we want and realize that takes time. A bit frustrating but feel when you find a nice match it's well worth the wait!

You know, I didn't even think to 50, and based on what I've seen, ya letting yourself go at 50 is pretty common for a lot of the men.

You are right about it being well worth the wait. The couples we have connected with have been generally outstanding people, I think the issue for us is our time is so much more limited. When we started swinging we were childless so the only thing to get in the way was our 9 to 5's. Now we need baby sitting, which is hard enough to get but swinging babysitting isn't like regular babysitting you need someone who is willing to be there LATE. If I were to ever write a vampire novel (god help me) I'd have swingers all vampires

So we have to struggle for babysitting, our parents are all out of state, and then the awful hit/miss ratio takes over, so I can see where my wife is daunted by the prospect.

Many times I wish we had started swinging when we were 35, but then again not sure if we were in a place in our marriage where that would have happened. So we are where we are!

We seemed to be in a nice area where there are many opportunities to meet attractive couples, so it's just a matter of finding the right personality match as well as the right alignment of schedules!

I believe you are beating yourselves up unnecessarily. Maybe there is such an animal as a tweener, maybe not. But people both caespitose and gregarious exist in all ages and morphology.

~Michael

I know what you mean. Mr. Fuse and I have discussed our self-evaluation as a "B" couple looks-wise. Sort of a second-shelf couple. I could stand to lose a few pounds to have a better body, though I have a nice one, and I'm in the "pretty enough for an engineer" category. He is nice and thin but could use some bulk on top, and has a handsome face. We are in our early 40's and have been able to find some good matches. But we spend the time to search and go out, because we don't have kids. If we had kids I'm not sure the effort would be in us.

Sometimes we swing with people way better looking than us, and sometimes with people who think we're a lot better looking than they are. That's the thing about being a "tweener" -- you have a lot of choices. Sometimes that hot couple is attracted to you. Sometimes a plainer couple is attractive to us.

Like you, we've definitely noticed that a lot of couples only *think* they are very attractive. And so many people don't realize that they do look their age. I'm 43 and sometimes I'm told I look younger but I don't believe I do. I'd rather own 43 than try to look 32. I am a little worried that as we get older people just start to let themselves go (including me, but I hope not) and more people in our age range will start to look unattractive to us. I'll tell you what, though, the prospect of meeting new people is mostly what motivates me to keep the weight off. My sweetheart loves my body a lot even at 30 pounds heavier, but at that weight I couldn't attract most of the men who attract me.

Have you two tried going to clubs? Is that a feasible option for you? It might work better than two-on-two if your babysitting opportunities are limited.

... and you've said I overthink things

When we first started attending the house parties, I was concerned about how our physical appearance would be perceived and how we'd be accepted by the group. I think we mostly match your description of "tweener" if it's possible in our '50s, and thankfully, we've discovered that physical appearance is a small part of the equation (although, I think I could enjoy a leaner lady every now and then).

I remind myself to evaluate potential playmates based on their probability of being fun in bed. Attitude and personality easily trump physical appearance.

Chicup, we also see a lot of the things you are saying. both with the guys just not doing anything to help their looks and of too many groups not looking to play outside of where they feel they are at. Yes there is more than physical attraction involved in finding good partners, but if there is no physical attraction its hard to want to even meet to see if there is more. But at the same time not going ouside of the perfect strike zone is what I think limits couples. The looks may not be perfect but many will bring a whole lot more to the equation and the bedroom than just looks. What are we swinging for if not experiencing some thing different. Its all just so confusing.

A Toronto- area site we belong to has as one of its required profile categories Appearance with the choices: Below average; Average; Above Average; Very Good Looks; Model Material.

In the first place, I wonder why such a highly subjective category is included. Hell, if people lie about their weight what are they going to do with this one? Now, we modestly described ourselves as average, but some profile browsing shows me that many people- with face pics for all to see- are describing themselves as above average or better with little justification. and yes, I've met some of these people and would have to say that they are very nice, but stunningly good looking? No. So I wonder what happens when they meet up with a couple who doesn't meet their own (sadly sometimes imaginary) high level of attractiveness?

Actually, there was recently a very lengthy thread about this on the site, and some people were surprisingly defensive about describing themselves as having "very good looks". Many, however, agreed that it's a dumb category to begin with.

I thought about doing this as a forum post instead of a blog, perhaps I should have as comments would be easier.

@Fuse - Ah the B list, yea I've classified us exactly as that for quite a while now. The work to get to A list just isn't going to happen, I'm not THAT energetic, at best we will end up B+.

We have tried the clubs with mostly negative results. It seems the tweener group is very high on the poser factor in this area. Worse the big clubs in our area are declining. Both we went to were owned by OLD school swingers and very good. One sold to a swinger couple who seemed to be having issues together and they seemed to think of it as an investment. The clientele of the club started to drastically change and we haven't been back. The other club was a GREAT location, middle of no where, pool, hot tubs, just great, but development has brought the suburbs right next to it, its also a hard club to socialize in as its got a tone of nooks and crannies the dance/social area is very small so it tends to be groups sticking with who they know. Finally since we started there are about 5000 people in our town that know my face and my name, and needless to say I don't know all them. Despite the old 'well they are there for the same reason' cliche we know thats a bit disingenuous.

@soco - One thing I can't help is what/who I'm attracted too. My penis shallow bastard. Keeping him happy is a requirement for fun in bed.

@Ed&Bunny - Its not that we don't go out of our perfect strike zone, but we avoid the wild pitches, the sinkers in the dirt, and the bean balls

@PB-J - We used to be on a site that did that too. Its always hilarious when someone who has a face that only a mother could love lists themselves as 'very attractive' but its one of those horrible choice things which sounded good in the web design phase. Its sort of taking the classic profile cliche of 'we are a very attractive couple' and making it a check box. And if you weren't attractive and knew it who wants to put that on their profile?

@SW - Its not so much a a beating ourselves up. I'm pretty happy with 'us' and I'm personally happy with Mr. Chicup's looks. I wish I had the turn off brain and work out gene but I don't . Its more the unrealistic view so many couples in our place seem to have about THEIR desirability, a snobbish attitude which is undeserved that I've noticed.

We like our local club, we really do. However, we really like your description of "tweener". I would say we are a "B" couple. Decent looking, slightly above weight (Mrs), and Mr. does certainly not have the 6 pack abs.

A few weeks ago we were at the club, a very busy evening. We watched the "A" crowd just attack new couples as they walked in the door that fit their "type", and it was like a pack of wolves! Yet there we were, and that A crowd never came near us. Thank God for that!

We are happy with us too, and don't need the approval of some A crowd that thinks they are hotter and better than everyone. Though there are times it would be nice to be noticed, we prefer having a good time with people that are comfortable, happy, and smiling.

High school was almost 20 years ago, and we hated it then. We certainly don't want to play the same games all over again. Hated cliques then, still hate 'em now. However, some just never grow up. You said it right, a lot of people THINK they are more attractive then they are, so they do hold out for the Ken and Barbie.

Initially, we thought we were seeking Ken and Barbie - after all, this was all new, wouldn't we go for the best??? What we've learned is that we enjoy laughter, common interests, and just having a good time, regardless of fitting any type of category. Those that we have had some attraction to certainly aren't Ken or Barbie, but just damn good people that we like hanging around.

The one thing we have learned is that the more we go to the same club, the more we feel "accepted" by the regulars. Those that didn't speak to us 6 months ago, now that they see us on a regular basis, have become good friends. Can't blame them, there is such an influx of new people that show up, and if they're not the type that are just looking for "fresh meat", they wait to see if you're real or not. We want this past Friday, me with an injured back that couldn't play anyway, and had the best time ever. Just talking, hanging out, laughing, etc.

Mrs NC

So several years later I bring this blog back up. Its interesting to read something you wrote years ago to see how things have changed. I'm in better shape now then when I wrote this blog by a good amount but still a "tweener" couple. What has been good so far is our aging it seems.

Last Saturday we were at a wedding. We were at a table with mostly people in their early 50's or so. One of them asked how long we were married, and Mrs. Chicup said 15 years, and I piped in but we have been together for 22. The look disbelief amusing to say the least. One blurted out "did you meet when you were 8?"