Yes, I know. Those two words don't belong together and they certainly don't belong in a relationship, but that's where I am. I'm someone who's happily monogamous and I'm in a serious relationship with a man who's enjoyed a swinging lifestyle in his past relationships. Sometimes I ask myself how in the world i ended up in such a mismatched coupling. Well, i suppose it has to do with how i met him in the first place.

For many years I've been part of the BDSM lifestyle. I've always been a natural submissive so it was very easy when after a divorce from my husband after 15 years of marriage that I found myself in a semi-relationship with a very dominate man. I say semi-relationship because it was all about him. His needs, his wants, his desires, his time schedule. My thoughts and feelings were never even given consideration. If he wanted to see me at 3am (even though i had to get up for work at 6), then I was expected to obey his wishes It really wasn't much of a BDSM relationship at all. It was a major jackass who wanted someone he could control and beat down no matter how much I suffered emotionally. After awhile I got tired of being the doormat that he turned me into and I ended the whole thing and got on with my life.

About a year later I started chatting a bit on Myspace with a man who went by the profile name "NDN Outlaw". He noticed on my profile that I was into BDSM. He was engaged to be married to a woman that he'd loved for quite some time. They were involved in the swinging lifestyle and at times would bring in a 3rd female for them as she's bisexual. He, however had been aching to have his own submissive Pet, as she had no desire to explore the BDSM world. That's where I was brought in. I was a pet for him to play with when he wanted to do BDSM "scenes" and i was a 3rd for when they wanted someone to play with together. I would visit him once or maybe twice a week to play and on occasion i would play with them both. Being that I'm bi-curious and not bisexual. I never really got much out of being with her. I mostly did it to please my "Master".

Even though i enjoyed the time with them and of being able to play alone with him i could never understand the swinging part of their relationship. I couldn't understand how any woman would be ok with allowing the man she loves to be intimate with another woman, and especially without even being present. However since i had no ties to them other than friendship and i wasn't even looking to be with anyone I continued the arrangement.

After a few months I noticed things were changing in his relationship with her. He would call me upset or hurt over things that she said or did, and in fact found out that she had cheated on him (which if you're a swinger, why would you feel the need to cheat!). He and I became closer as he and she drifted farther apart. In early June i went to a swingers house party with them. I noticed the tension between them the whole time. I pretty much just sat back and watched the goings on as i had no desire to really play. Being my first time i just wanted to get a feel of how things happened at a house party. I did end up playing with him and her and i did enjoy the exhibitionism of it.

Two weeks later and as no surprise to me they broke up. He was shattered and I felt so bad for him. I also felt something else. I realized that I was in love with him. The revelation shocked me. It had all only been in fun for me. No strings or emotions attached. But here i was realizing that I'm head over heels for him. What the heck do i do now! He's just getting out of a relationship with a woman that he wanted to spend his life with! I was just a friend with benefits and a BDSM playmate......What happened to the wall that I kept up around my emotions!

I finally let him in on how i felt toward him and he let me down gently with an "I love you but I just lost the love of my life and could never have anything to offer you". It hurt but i could understand. I continued to be his friend and his playmate, but it was so hard for me to play with him knowing that I felt so much love for him but he didn't feel the same. He would ask me a few times that if he would find someone else, would he and I still be friends. Would I still want to play with him. I had to tell him honestly no. I couldn't bear the thought of knowing he would be involved romantically with someone else and I would still only be the occasional play partner.

Somewhere around the middle of October something in him changed. I had become friendly with guy that i had an interest in possibly dating. I noticed that NDN acted a bit jealous whenever i'd be around the other guy. I couldn't understand why. One night he finally let it out that he truly was in love with me. He never really realized it until he thought that someone else might get my heart. One thing led to another and we ended up a couple. I'll admit the fact that he loves to swing was off putting to me. When i'm single i have no problem having fwb's or anything like that but when i'm in love i have no desire at all for anyone elses touch. I can separate sex and love as long as i'm not in a relationship, but when i'm in one and i'm very much in love then sex and love to me become one and the same. I can't even imagine having another man touch me and I cringe to think of him touching other women. It's been an ongoing issue with us and one that i'm trying so hard to wrap my head around. I don't like that he enjoys the thought of me pleasuring or being pleasured by someone else. I don't like that he's willing to "share me" and I don't like that he aches to touch and be touched by another woman. It's definitely going to be a rocky road for us, but i really hope it's one that we can make it through with. Despite this one issue, he is the absolute love of my life. I just need to figure a way that his swinging and my monogamist views can co-exist with both of us being happy, but with neither of us being hurt. If he and i are truly meant to be then we will find our way.