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A Very Slippery Slope!
Years ago, a friend of mine in the vanilla world confided in me, a tale
that struck me as both humorous and horrifying. Please, walk down
memory lane with me. I promise, it will not be so painful.
Here is the tale:
My friend, while in college, had the opportunity and good fortune to
engage a lovely co-ed in sexual congress. As the evening grew hotter,
she, unfortunately, became less self lubricated. Not wanting to end the
festivities, my friend took matters into his own hands and ran to his
bathroom for a remedy.
Finding nothing specific to ease the friction between body parts, his
mind raced with possibilities or solutions. His eye caught a bottle of
baby shampoo.
"Soap is slippery!" he thought to himself. So, happily, he bounded back
to his bed and waiting lover. Once applied, the viscous liquid provided
great lubrication and the evening was a success.
The very next day, he went about his business as usual with classes and
sports as any normal college man would. One issue presented itself that
stopped him dead in his tracks and caused him to break tradition. He
was forced to seek advice from a fellow college man regarding sexually
related issues.
In the privacy of his bathroom, he showed his fellow college man the
issue that had him so upset. The first layer of skin on his penis was
coming off in virtual sheets.
"DUDE! What the hell did she give me?" my friend asked.
"MAN! I have NEVER seen anything like that in my life!" Offered his
companion. "You need to see a doctor!" He added.
Fortunately for our young college man, the peeling and redness went away
before he gathered the nerve to make an appointment. None the wiser, he
went through his collegiate years without a repeat shedding or concern.
Well, that is until he joined the Marines, but that is an other story
entirely.
Flash forward nearly 15 years, while sipping beverages on my back patio.
Our friend regales this story of his horrific affliction and its
miraculous cure to both myself and my brother. We sit in awe as he
details the events that follow the application of the shampoo. We bite
out tongues in attempts to contain our laughter as he describes the
copious amounts of shedding and redness that followed.
It was only after he had finished his tale that he asked us if we had
ever heard of or experienced something like that in our histories. At
long last, we could relieve ourselves as tears streamed down our cheeks
and our laughter filled the air.
Brother: Did you ever notice how nice and clean/non greasy your hair is
after you wash it?
Friend: Yeah! (Forgive him folks, he is a Marine! I love them! We need
them, but at times, they are not always the brightest bulbs in the
lamp!)
Brother: Shampoo is VERY caustic if left on your skin for long periods
of time. In fact, the skin that gets the least amount of sunlight is
generally the most sensitive.
Friend: Ok. so what did she give me that the shampoo killed? (Again, he
is a kind and loving soul. He means well and will protect those he
loves and this country with his own life)
Brother: The shampoo made the skin on your penis flake off. Not her!
In fact, I bet she was wondering what you gave her! Did you two ever
date again?
Friend: Um... No. We never spoke again. I thought she just left the
school or something!
Brother: the skin of the penis is very sensitive. Almost as much as
your eyes. How does it feel when you get shampoo in your eyes?
LIGHT DAWNS!!!!!!!!!!! The switch is thrown. A glimmer of recognition
escapes!
Friend: OH Shit! That stings. And that is what it did to my dork?
After a long round of laughter, to include our friend, the realization
was made. If you cant put it in your eye, don't put it on your dork!
I beg the readers forgiveness as this may well be one of my longer
blogs. You see, beside the anecdotal tales and points, I must also
question. So, please bare with me.
Having passed several basic and one advanced chemistry course in my day,
I have a general understanding of chemicals and compounds. This
understanding has enabled me to avoid the mistake my dear friend made as
well as several others. (Bleach and ammonia combinations are never a
good idea! coke-a-cola, lead, sulfuric acid make for quite a mess and
there is the matter of home made explosives that rarely prove to be as
good an idea as they were at conception. (Mind you, they were only
intended to explode in my back yard and not to harm another human being
or property other than my own. well, there was the thought of blowing
up fish in the lake that one summer, but girls seemed so much cooler))
Do I smoke after sex? Not since I discovered the right lube! Sorry for
the bad joke. However, this entire blog is devoted to what I do and do
not know about lube!
What do I know about lube?
1. The stuff is slippery!
2. The stuff is not cheap.
3. There are more lubes than condom varieties.
4. Lube is necessary when partying for long periods of time.
5. There are silicon based lubes, oil based lubes and sugar based lubes.
6. Different lubes are for use with different activities and items.
7. Mrs. CXXC has MANY lubes and uses them all!
What I don't know about lubes:
This part could fill a book. What toys can be used with what lubes?
Can I wear a condom with this lube? Does this lube really make her
excited? Does this lube truly feel like her natural lubrication? This
list can go on and on.
The main point behind this blog is to discuss and discover the real
truth behind the lube. What to use with what, what not to use with what
and do the warming lubes really work?
When it comes to lubes, I know little more than my friend. And that
little amount of knowledge is a Very Slippery Slope!
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