As most of you know, the CXXC house is all about comfort for the weary traveler or occasional lifestyle guest(s). I have suffered great pains in my pursuit of making my home an oasis of rest, relaxation and pleasure. Much of my efforts have been focused upon my back yard. Unfortunately, Mother Nature is not a member of the lifestyle (well she should be! She fucks me every year with leaves, rain, broken limbs, the list goes on!) and therefore refuses to co-operate in helping me keep the area ready for guests at a moment’s notice.

During the summer, I spend a good deal of time maintaining the back and front yard. Bushes need trimming, grass mowing, errant pine needles need removing and the bugs must be fought back with a vengeance! It becomes routine. I have created a schedule of maintenance that works and the yards and relaxations surfaces are kept nice and neat! Then comes the fall!

Every year I fight the good fight! I rake, mow, clean up, haul, dispose of and generally remove all the proof that Mother nature is being a bitch! Unfortunately, unlike the summer months, I am forced to spend nearly three times the amount of time and effort to keep her presence invisible. So, here begins the tale of frustration you may find humorous or not!

As the nights are both longer and cooler, we have begun to use our fire pit more often. Rather than spend good money on the dried up mockery the grocery stores call firewood, I save my pennies by following the city linemen (they cut down dead or threatening tress to protect the above ground power lines.) and tell them to fill the back of my truck with whatever lumber they don’t feel like hauling! Trust me, they would rather dump it in my truck than deal with it later. It is a relationship that I have found to be quite beneficial to us both! Unfortunately, the wood is not ready made for the fire pit! It takes some prep.

When I get the logs to my back yard, they are generally 4 feet long and one to two feet in diameter. They would make sufficient Yule logs, however, my fire pit is only 3 feet in diameter. So, I must cut them in half and then split them in order to use them. This duty calls for my trusty old chain saw and splitting maul/wedge! I set aside a weekend day for this activity as I don’t want to kill myself during the week! The day arrives and the fun begins!

How many of you have gotten blisters from trying to start a chain saw? Well, after the 100th pull, I decided to take a look at the spark plug. Hmmm… Nothing wrong there. Plenty of gas. Oil is fine! What the hell? Well, just in case, I had better make a run to home depot for a new plug! What else do I need?? More PH balance for the hot tub would be nice. Some more light bulbs would be a good idea. I did want to pick up that motion sensitive light switch for the guest bathroom! Ok. I have my mental list! Off I go!

One thing about me and mental lists. When Mrs. CXXC sends me to the store with a list of three items, unless I write them down, I generally come home with three items but not the three she sent me to get. However, I don’t always remember this fact so I leave thinking I have a great memory! HA HA HA! Silly me!

Home Depot is its usual self, filled with former Wal-Mart employees who actually had the ability to learn something. They are just as helpless when you really need something but I am a pro when it comes to hardware stores! I know what I am doing. If only I could remember what I went there for. I have the spark plug in my hand! No way I would remember the model number. So there I am. New one in hand. What was the other thing? CRAP! In this case, I will walk up and down the isles in the hopes that something will jump out at me. Sure enough. While walking past the lighting section, the extension cord that I wanted last visit jumped out at me. That must have been in! However, there was something else. I close my eyes and recall the image of the back yard. OH YEAH! PH stuff!!! I run to the pool/spa section and grab a couple bottles.

Why do they have self check out when the lady who over sees it spends nearly 99% of her time scanning the items in for the customers? I just don’t get it!

Back at the house, I make a pit stop to relieve my bladder (I drink lots of coffee) and INSTANTLY remember the motion sensitive light switch! See what I mean!

Once I change the spark plug, the chain saw burps to life. In about 45 minutes I have made short work of the pine logs. I stack them neatly for easy transport to the chopping stump. I return the chainsaw to the shed and gather my trusty Axe, Splitting Maul and splitting wedge. I set these items down but notice the saw dust piled up quite a bit while cutting the wood in length. I decide to rake the stuff up and get it out of the way before I track it deeper into the lawn.

The first three strokes with the rake were fine. The fourth stroke ended my plans instantly! SNAP! “Ok. That sucked.” I announce to anyone in earshot as I stand holding two sections of the broken rake handle before me! CRAP!!! I need a new rake! It lived a long a useful existence. I had the thing for nearly 10 years. Rakes just break! Ill have to get a new one to clean up later. Ill just be careful not to step all over the saw dust!

After placing the first log upon the chopping block, I heft the 8 pound splitting maul above my right shoulder. It comes crashing down and through the center of the log. A perfect hit, split and motion! I used to do this every summer in New England! One does not forget. Muscle memory is a wonderful thing! Too bad I forget things on an unwritten list! I set the first half up and cleave it twain! Perfect. The second half splits neatly and my stack of split wood is started.

Somewhere around log 6 or 7 I over shot the first half of a split log and brought the wooden neck of the maul down upon it. The head of the maul gingerly snapped cleanly off and bounced off the chopping block onto the ground! CRAP! I just broke my maul! ACK! Well, lets try the Axe! HA HA HA!!! In spite of my height, weight and strength that sucker went in a couple inches and stopped dead. I was stuck. I needed another Maul! While I was at it, I figured I would get the new rake too! So back to Home depot I go!

“Rake and Maul, rake and maul, rake and maul.” I repeated the entire way there. I found my items and walked toward the checkout when I remembered there was another item I had neglected to pick up! What the hell was it? Sure you laugh! You know what I was looking for but I could not recall it to save my life! Gas can? Garden hose? Torix Deck Screws? ACK! So there I am walking through the store’s isles again! “ Nope. Nope. Nope. That’s not it! Not that! Oooooo! That would be nice. Nope! Nope! Hmmmm….” People always wonder if I am nuts when I am walking down the isles talking to myself! Eventually, I am at a loss and just pay and leave. However, no sooner do I pull out from the parking lot then the item flashes before my eyes! Motion sensitive light switch! DAMN IT!!! Oh well another trip!

Back in the yard, I heft and swing, split and stack the rest of the lumber neatly. The activity takes about three hours of constant activity! No need for the gym today! Grabbing my NEW RAKE, I clean the debris on the lawn quickly! All the tools are packed away neatly. I stack some wood in the fire pit in preparation for the next time we use it. A small stack is placed near the pit as well! Looking back at the freshly cut and stacked lumber, I realize, I need to cover it to keep the elements from reaching it. I need a tarp! I’ll just pick one up at home depot tomorrow. I’ll just add it to the list! LIGHT BULBS!!!