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Taking a few steps away from the lifestyle

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The Fuse

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Recently, Mr. Fuse and I have not felt quite the same rush of excitement when it comes to swinging. Don't get me wrong, we both still enjoy it a lot. It's hard to put my finger on what's going on. I am full of contradictions and unable to articulate... but one thing I feel strongly is that we will not be trying as hard anymore to find dates. We'll be more likely to pass up a party or meet and greet and either stay in or do something vanilla.

 

It's probably partly because we've had what I consider a fair amount of experience now, and it's not so much an unknown as it used to be. The thrill is not gone, but it has abated some. I think the threshold a man has to meet to really excite me has gone up. Now I'm going to contradict myself again, because I know that my "strike zone" for looks has definitely expanded in the past year, not narrowed. So the issue is not looks, for me. Attraction-wise, there are more play partners than there used to be. I suppose it is easier to find men I want to play with, but harder to find the ones who keep me up at night. For Mr. Fuse, there may be fewer. He started out a more typical guy, but has figured out what he likes and is a little more closed-minded about what a woman who excites him will look like.

 

So what's going on? Why are we no longer chomping at the bit and wanting to explore and find those matches? I think part of it is that the idea of having sex with someone other than each other, while still amazing, is not the novelty it used to be. We know we can. Part of it is that we have been around the block a few times and have experienced some of the annoyances -- people who don't call back, people who ignore us, and oh yes, rejection. More seriously, we have been in love with another couple and have had our hearts broken badly. We are not hoping for another poly relationship now, but I think for a while we wished we could find someone else and had hopes squashed a couple of times.

 

Another part of the fade, for me, is that I'm tired of trying to create the situations that make Mr. Fuse comfortable. We both enjoy connecting two-on-two most of all. But parties and meet and greets are also fun for me, as well as a way of meeting new people we might have a couples date with later. It is hard to get good two-on-two dates, for the reasons everyone knows about. So when there are social occasions it is nice to have something to do and a group of friends. However, it seems like more often than not, Mr. Fuse and I end up at odds. One of two things happens. The first is when he feels like he is holding me back because of his inability to participate, when someone is flirting with me, and he'd like to flirt with their wife, (who in my opinion in most cases would be into it if just shown a little attention) but he just stands there and does nothing instead. I try to help him, but he doesn't want to hear it from me. Any suggestions I make ("hey, she likes you, do you want to go ask her to dance?") are met with a wince and inner shutdown. I cannot help. Short of asking the woman to dance FOR him, I've done everything I think I can.

 

The second thing that happens at social occasions, recently, is this. He took the tack that I should be able to have more fun if I want to, so he said I should go flirt or play at parties even if he is being more passive. That happened a couple of times, but he is not one of those guys who is just happy to watch. So if I'm doing things and he isn't, he feels left behind and gets angry with himself. In spite of my opinion that he should work on actually improving himself so he'd have more fun, the idea that I can go off and have my fun at gatherings is obviously not working, since he always end up upset.

 

I'm sure I'm no picnic to deal with in these situations either. I get impatient. I don't understand. I say the same things over and over ("If she says no, you're not going to die. Just move on!") I get aggravated.

 

I think yet another thing is the insecurities that swinging brings out. If we play with a couple, enjoy it (certainly I always enjoy it), want to do it again but feel we're being rejected, I am more likely to just move on. Mr. Fuse always thinks it's him. His cock isn't big enough, he's not masculine enough, not exciting or enough of a flirt, whatever. It doesn't help his outlook when I point out the good number of long-term playmate relationships we've had with couples whose female halves have been very sexually sophisticated women and couldn't get enough of him.

 

All of that, combined with having life interests in other areas, have led us to a point where more of our energy will go in other directions. We won't fade out completely, but I will definitely spend less time searching for good matches.

 

To sum up, it's a combination of dealing with three kinds of hurdles: finding good matches, dealing with people outside our relationship, and dealing with each other.

 

Of course, the first time we meet someone who excites both of us, all of the above will be out the window :-).

 

We are still seeing a couple we met this fall and like very much. The problem is schedule -- he travels a lot and when he is home, their priority is rightfully with each other. So getting together will have to wait. It's harder to keep up the excitement when the realization is far away and uncertain. Without the excitement, it is easier to fade away from each other and just let it drop. I hope that doesn't happen.

 

So for now, we'll just be lower key about it. Maybe we'll go out once every few weeks or once a month. I won't search much online. I will turn part of my attention elsewhere.

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I can really empathise with your husband, rejection makes a noticable impact on me too. Somehow, I never feel quite right when I am approaching a lady after I've already been rejected earlier in the evening. I think one of the reasons we have found such success with this is that the ladies at the parties are usually assertive and will approach me. That's a real ego boost.

 

Good luck with whatever the future brings to yall.

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Socolais, I hear you, buddy. Our best matches are couples whose female halves naturally take the initiative. It's great when that happens. In fact, it happened last night :). It just make that match that much harder to find. This couple lives three hours from us. We met halfway in between, went out to an expensive dinner, and went back to their room. We both had a great time, but who knows when we will see them again.

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Wow, who would a thunk it ? I know I certainly wasn't expecting this blog entry.

 

We can relate though Fuse, in some ways.

 

Maybe not the same reasons why, but the part about we still consider ourselves swingers, ya know. We might get the chemistry between "us" to go find the chemistry with "them" any time. We just don't know when that wind will blow for now....

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I'm glad to hear it Fuse, I'm pretty good at reading between the lines and I've wondered if maybe you guys were going in directions which would not have been good for you long term.

 

For a couple of reasons, we are on a complete hiatus until at least the spring and its good to just relax, work on ourselves, and not worry abut the effort that swinging can be.

 

As Mr. Fuse seems to be somewhat similar to Mrs. Chicup I know your personal frustrations. There are times where I'm very angry as she just doesn't 'get' it so many times, but should I really be angry my wife is bad at seduction?

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Chicup -- ha ha -- I know what you mean. Certainly when I married him I never thought I'd be aggravated at him for not being willing to try to entice other women.

 

I know you know my frustrations and it's good to know someone understands, though not good that you have that situation... you know what I mean, you know?

 

I don't like to admit it but slowing down will certainly remove some of the source of frustration for both of us. I would never have thought the answer was to retreat from something we both want. And yes, we both do want it. We're just not quite as excited as when we started out, which is natural.

 

And... I must stop airing our dirty laundry on this Board. I write about the bad stuff out of proportion -- things really are great -- we've had several outstanding experiences recently. Things outside the lifestyle have been on a definite upturn this year too. I just think we're ready to shift our priorities a bit.

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Fun4Ds, I'm glad I can surprise you :). I've noticed you are pretty introspective and thoughtful in your posts recently, even more than normal. That's a compliment by the way. I also wanted to thank you for everything you do on the Board, like moderating.

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Fuse, I can honestly relate to what your saying in several respects. We too just dont feel the rush anymore. The excitement and newness has long since faded. I still enjoy going out and meeting people but as we all know the 4 way attraction is becoming harder to find. We like house parties were the four way match wouldnt be so important, but once the list of attendees are viewed and see that no one sparks our interest we decide not to go. I hate the thought of going to a party and not seeing anyone we would like to play with and decide to leave, that just leaves me with awkward feelings that I would rather avoid.

 

So I guess we are not actively seeking playmates even though we look at profiles on Swing Lifestyle regularly and its usually meet with discuragement. My strike zone has narrowed and my idea of what I am looking for seems to be as rare as the unicorn. Its disapointing... But I think I am content for now with just participating in the discussions here on the board, and running one of the groups here locally. We host monthly events that brings in a lot of new couples. Maybe that "couple" we are looking for to excite us will walk in the bar one night. We tend to find things when we are not looking.

 

I wish I had some words of wisdom for Mr

Fuse but I dont. That is something that he will have to overcome on his own, but I can understand how that would cause fustration.

 

Best wishes!

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Ah Fuse, I've been getting a few mixed signals in things you've written lately. It's never wrong to step back from something to get your bearings. Especially when what you're stepping back from is causing discord between you and Mr. Fuse.

 

And enjoying other outside interests can be rejuvenating. Enjoy other things in your life right now. Then, because you both still want to swing, you can maybe give it all a fresh look again.

 

As for falling in love with another couple, we both know how difficult that can be. If that's what you are really looking for, I imagine it can be a little disheartening not finding that. You can use this as a time to figure out how important a poly relationship is to the two of you and if you should look for it along a different avenue as well.

 

Don't stop posting or blogging or anything drastic like that. I would miss you too much.

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Thanks Vol, that was very touching. I am hoping and expecting that putting my energy elsewhere will be rejuvenating. Already we're making vanilla plans for things we might have passed up because we would have been hoping for a date or a house party.

 

I doubt we'll look for a poly relationship again. If it happens, we'll talk about it at the time. But the after effects were so devastating that the only benefit I can see from the first one were character growth sorts of things. Frankly, I would be afraid.

 

We both want to swing, and I'm willing to do the work if he would just do a few things that he actually wants to do, that I really don't think should be difficult, that most men find completely natural, that would keep us from losing couple after couple who give us the same feedback. Yes, I feel resentful. Yes, it is causing conflict. I'm hugely stubborn but he has worn me down. This is not the right solution but I don't see another way. He and I have to find a way to be that will work for both of us.

 

As for leaving the Board, I took a hiatus for several months at one time, but for now it's part of my regular routine and I like it so much. Thanks for the kind words.

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It's hard enough work to find people when there are no issues. I often get frustrated at the entire process of keeping up on line, planning etc. If there were issues within ourselves that made that harder I would feel the same way!

 

I would agree that holding out on vanilla plans, hoping for a lifestyle opportunity probably leaves one with nothing to do! We typically keep our vanilla plans even when a l/s event comes upon us, though in the past we have split between the two and once bailed on the vanilla plan...it was a Tastefully Simple (food) party with a former work aquaintance and was on the fence about going anyway (but I did but some things online for the party).

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Common themes... I don't know how I missed this blog way back in November! Looks like things are looking up for you now though:)

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