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Taking a few steps away from the lifestyle
Recently, Mr. Fuse and I have not felt quite the same rush of excitement when it comes to swinging. Don't get me wrong, we both still enjoy it a lot. It's hard to put my finger on what's going on. I am full of contradictions and unable to articulate... but one thing I feel strongly is that we will not be trying as hard anymore to find dates. We'll be more likely to pass up a party or meet and greet and either stay in or do something vanilla.
It's probably partly because we've had what I consider a fair amount of experience now, and it's not so much an unknown as it used to be. The thrill is not gone, but it has abated some. I think the threshold a man has to meet to really excite me has gone up. Now I'm going to contradict myself again, because I know that my "strike zone" for looks has definitely expanded in the past year, not narrowed. So the issue is not looks, for me. Attraction-wise, there are more play partners than there used to be. I suppose it is easier to find men I want to play with, but harder to find the ones who keep me up at night. For Mr. Fuse, there may be fewer. He started out a more typical guy, but has figured out what he likes and is a little more closed-minded about what a woman who excites him will look like.
So what's going on? Why are we no longer chomping at the bit and wanting to explore and find those matches? I think part of it is that the idea of having sex with someone other than each other, while still amazing, is not the novelty it used to be. We know we can. Part of it is that we have been around the block a few times and have experienced some of the annoyances -- people who don't call back, people who ignore us, and oh yes, rejection. More seriously, we have been in love with another couple and have had our hearts broken badly. We are not hoping for another poly relationship now, but I think for a while we wished we could find someone else and had hopes squashed a couple of times.
Another part of the fade, for me, is that I'm tired of trying to create the situations that make Mr. Fuse comfortable. We both enjoy connecting two-on-two most of all. But parties and meet and greets are also fun for me, as well as a way of meeting new people we might have a couples date with later. It is hard to get good two-on-two dates, for the reasons everyone knows about. So when there are social occasions it is nice to have something to do and a group of friends. However, it seems like more often than not, Mr. Fuse and I end up at odds. One of two things happens. The first is when he feels like he is holding me back because of his inability to participate, when someone is flirting with me, and he'd like to flirt with their wife, (who in my opinion in most cases would be into it if just shown a little attention) but he just stands there and does nothing instead. I try to help him, but he doesn't want to hear it from me. Any suggestions I make ("hey, she likes you, do you want to go ask her to dance?") are met with a wince and inner shutdown. I cannot help. Short of asking the woman to dance FOR him, I've done everything I think I can.
The second thing that happens at social occasions, recently, is this. He took the tack that I should be able to have more fun if I want to, so he said I should go flirt or play at parties even if he is being more passive. That happened a couple of times, but he is not one of those guys who is just happy to watch. So if I'm doing things and he isn't, he feels left behind and gets angry with himself. In spite of my opinion that he should work on actually improving himself so he'd have more fun, the idea that I can go off and have my fun at gatherings is obviously not working, since he always end up upset.
I'm sure I'm no picnic to deal with in these situations either. I get impatient. I don't understand. I say the same things over and over ("If she says no, you're not going to die. Just move on!") I get aggravated.
I think yet another thing is the insecurities that swinging brings out. If we play with a couple, enjoy it (certainly I always enjoy it), want to do it again but feel we're being rejected, I am more likely to just move on. Mr. Fuse always thinks it's him. His cock isn't big enough, he's not masculine enough, not exciting or enough of a flirt, whatever. It doesn't help his outlook when I point out the good number of long-term playmate relationships we've had with couples whose female halves have been very sexually sophisticated women and couldn't get enough of him.
All of that, combined with having life interests in other areas, have led us to a point where more of our energy will go in other directions. We won't fade out completely, but I will definitely spend less time searching for good matches.
To sum up, it's a combination of dealing with three kinds of hurdles: finding good matches, dealing with people outside our relationship, and dealing with each other.
Of course, the first time we meet someone who excites both of us, all of the above will be out the window :-).
We are still seeing a couple we met this fall and like very much. The problem is schedule -- he travels a lot and when he is home, their priority is rightfully with each other. So getting together will have to wait. It's harder to keep up the excitement when the realization is far away and uncertain. Without the excitement, it is easier to fade away from each other and just let it drop. I hope that doesn't happen.
So for now, we'll just be lower key about it. Maybe we'll go out once every few weeks or once a month. I won't search much online. I will turn part of my attention elsewhere.
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