Today, good reader, I will regale you with a tale that may help you understand how my year is ending! This story is based upon the love/hate relationship have with my hot tub. Oh the joys one imagines when, with eyes closed, one sees that crystal clear and steaming water, churning in turbulent motions just waiting to sooth the sore and aching muscles after a long hard day’s…….. (Fill this section in with whatever activity you happen to have been doing just before reading this blog. The creator of this blog takes no responsibility for any illegal, immoral or fattening activities engaged in by the reader.)

Ok. I have very few rules when it comes to my hot tub. These rules are there to ensure the enjoyment of the hot tub by my guests and Mrs. CXXC and me. They are easy to remember:

1. NO PEEING in the hot tub!

2. No male body fluids in the hot tub!

3. No clothes in the hot tub.

4. No eating foods in the hot tub.

5. No electronic devices in the hot tub.

6. No pets in the hot tub.

7. No men outnumbering the women in the hot tub unless Mrs. CXXC desires it!

8. No more than 8 people in the hot tub.

9. NO TOUCHING THE THEMOSTAT in the hot tub.

10. NO PEEING IN THE HOT TUB!!!

Numbers 1 and 10 are self explanatory. I don’t soak in your toilet……. And so on…

The male body fluids in the hot tub is just gross. If the guy’s gonna shoot a wad, he better be aiming AWAY from the water or she swallows ever drop. Ewwww.. I am grossing myself out just thinking about it!

I don’t like clothes in the tub as the detergent ALWAYS messes up my Ph. Once it’s gone, it is like juggling chainsaws to get it right. I generally have to drain the thing and start over.

Food and pets in the hot tub will screw up your filters and even the chemical balance. Mustard on a hot dog can kill it faster than….. well, clothes!

Number 5, although one may think it’s silly, is a REAL important one! Don’t believe me? Go ahead, sit in your home bath tub, plug in the toaster. Ok now, put it in the water with you! See what I mean?

Number 7 is a no brainer. Unless Mrs. CXXC wishes to be surrounded by naked men for her pleasure, I DON’T what a sausage fest in my hot tub!

Number 9, if broken will have you sitting on the side lines shivering as the rest of us use your old seat for a foot rest! Trust me, it is perfect! Just the way it is! 101 degrees is as hot as ANYONE needs!

So there you have it! My simple rules and even an explanation of each! So why did I just go through all of that? Well, it’s like this.

SOME ASSHOLE DIDN’T READ THE RULES!!!!!!

People have worn clothes in my hot tub. People have PEED (Trust me, I can tell) in my hot tub. People have been touching my thermostat!!!!!!! I’ve yet to see evidence of any male fluids, but I am still not convinced!

So the Ph and the balance of various chemicals was so out of whack, I had to drain it again after only 30 days! It was NASTY! I mean YUCK!!! Heat up a frog pond and you would have a better experience! It was just plain disgusting! So, I had to start from scratch! I opened the spigot to drain the water and watched the nasty germs, bugs, no-see’ums go bye-bye! Rubber boots, rubber gloves and scrub brushes in hand, I did battle with the hot tub. From top to bottom, I bleached the living daylights out of that sucker. The air tem was around 50 so I wasn’t too happy about being both wet AND cold!

Breaking out the shop-vac, I suck up all the debris and standing water from the bottom of the tub. I rinse it down and begin the process of scrubbing once more. You can’t take any chances with germs and nasty things that only show up under a microscope. I purge the lines, flush them clean as well. Hose it all down again and remove the nastiness. The process, though it sounds time consuming, is rather quick once you have a system down. As I do this every three months at the very least, unless someone doesn’t follow the rules, I have created a system to drain, clean and fill that sucker in just under three hours! Well, that was until today!

Once I had the tub filled, the new filters installed and the bromide tabs in place, I was ready to go. I hit the breaker and stood back to see the tub come to life. Uhhhhh…… Ummmm…. Now what?

I could hear the motor of the main pump running. The water was simply not churning as it normally does when in the heat cycle. So, I trip the breaker and reset it. Nada!!! Houston, we have a problem!

Well, I crawl under the deck (its easy to do as I built the space large enough for me to get in and out of easily even if I have to lug a pump out with me.) and take a look around. Everything seems to be connected. Crap, I bet I have a clog in the output heating jets. So, I kill the power, unfasten the hoses connected to the pump, release the valve and water comes rushing out perfectly. Ok. That not it. I try the other end coming from the filter system. Same. Water flows easily and with great volume. What the hell! So I think and I think. Perhaps something is in the hose that will let it flow back but not forward. So I fish the sucker in every direction and from all associated jets. Not a blockage in sight! WHAT THE HELL?????

Ok. The pump is brand new, but maybe it was defective. So I pull it out and while sitting on the deck, disassemble the sucker. Huh! There’s that frog! What’s with all the pine needles? The pump fan looks great and spins freely. The motor turns when I spin the pump fan. Huh! Perhaps it doesn’t work though! So I put it all back together, plug everything but the water back up to it. I turn on the power and I can hear that pump running. I get back under and see the pump fan spinning to beat the band! Ok. So everything works like it should.

There are no blockages. There are no defective parts. The hoses are filled with water, the filter is working properly, WHAT THE HELL??????? I re-connect the hoses to the pump and try once more with a prayer. God hates me today! Sigh! What in the world is wrong with the tub?

Sitting on the cold wet ground, scratching my head, my mind darted back to the late 90’s. My best friend at the time had a 1969 Ford Thunder Hawk with a 429 under the hood. This car was amazing. It was cherry! The only problem it had was that if you started the vehicle while it was cold, ran it for under 10 minutes and turned it off, the thing wouldn’t restart for no less than 30 minutes.

What’s this got to do with the hot tub? Hang on! I’m getting to it!

Well, one weekend, we decided to make a real effort to figure out the issue with the car. So, we gathered our tools and with determination set to finding the problem. We decided against tearing the engine out unless it was completely necessary. This was a wise decision. We never would have discovered the issue had we done so. In our initial attempt to discover the cause, I was tracing the wiring harness to see if there was a short somewhere. In so doing, I noticed a ½ inch vacuum hose was collapsed upon itself. I followed it to its end, unhooked it from the connection and it reformed. I shouted to my buddy to try to start the 429 Thunder Hawk. He did! It roared to life! It was a faulty vacuum hose that kept it from restarting while it was cold! We had a vacuum lock!

Vacuum lock! Huh! I wonder………. With the hot tub in heater mode, I began to release one of the hose connectors. I hear a distinguishable HISSSSSSSS…… INSTANTLY, the water began to flow! I HAVE A FULLY FUNCTIONING HOT TUB AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Well, here we are, the holidays upon us! We have both family and friends coming to Savannah to visit! These same family and friends wear bathing suits when using my hot tub. Sorry! I know I have rules, but I just can’t even consider seeing my in-laws nude! I am certain they even pee in the thing as I never see them get out no matter how many beers they have! I am on the fence right now. Do I shut it down just before they get here? Either way, I am going to have to drain and clean it again in three weeks. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!! Be prepared to read about a mass murder in Savannah by a man waving a toaster over his head while standing in a hot tub. Also stay tuned for the net adventure in REVENGE of the Hot Tub!!!