You do have a challenge. Overweight is a challenge for many of us, though not as much of one as I had assumed going in. Most of us are not Ken and Barbie. Yay. I do believe there are someones for everyone in the lifestyle.

I don't know why this thought hit me, but I am thinking you need to find a niche. Be the club photographer or announcer or sound man or bartender or... something. If you're just sitting in the club quietly watching your wife, no one has an opportunity to discover your personality.

If you don't do it already, dance. Enjoy your atmosphere. Dance with your wife. Dance with a stranger. Dance for fun, without expectation. Again, this is an opportunity for people to get to know who you are.

Be willing to compliment and appreciate women sincerely, without fear. I/we wound up having a long-term swing relationship with a couple I initially had reservations about because the guy had the balls to tell my husband, "It's a shame she's not interested in me, because I'd really love to be with her," or something along those lines. It let me know he was interested in a passive way and allowed me to open up communication with them.

Smile:)

Thank you for the very thoughtful comments. Yes I do need to find a niche. There's no dancing or dj there but I understand what you're saying. My social awkwardness has always been bars or clubs, not just sex clubs or parties. I do dance, but I really need to find something I can do to put myself out there in a good way. Right now I'm at the point of diminished expectations for me, not expecting sex but wanting most of all to simply meet a woman/couple where we feel at least a connection of friendship.

I do compliment others there and try to be polite and cordial to all. It's just that when people start paring up there is no one wanting to be with me for me. Part of me wonders why I'm forced to be more outgoing when more extroverted people are not put out of their element at all.

But I do consider this a good challenge with regards to personal development.

Upon reflection I believe my perfect swing partner would be a woman who's husband/boyfriend was really into the lifestyle where she was having reservations. A woman who really needs a patient lover, a true friend with benefits kind of relationship.

Thanks.

Part of me wonders why I'm forced to be more outgoing when more extroverted people are not put out of their element at all.

Hmm . . . You make a good point there. And as a person who doesn't have a shy bone in her body, I sometimes find it tough to understand how hard it is for more reserved folk to find their way in the lifestyle.

Perhaps a change in your approach to meeting others would help? Maybe going the online/meet one couple at a time route would be more comfortable for you?

I hope you're able to figure out what works best for you.

=)

Yes I do think a change in my approach would help. Meeting others online first would seem to be a much better way to connect with more potential playmates than in a club. There's a much greater variety of people on any given site than in any given swingers event. And I'm sure I'd make a much better connection initially in writing than stumbling and stammering through some nerve-wracking small talk.

I know that although at times it feels like I am the only introverted male in the swinging world I know I can't be the only one. It's not something extroverts can really comprehend because socializing at bars/clubs is as natural as breathing for them. But for many "I"s a different approach is mandatory to find any kind of success in the lifestyle.

Thank you for your comment.

lustylearning said:

I don't know why this thought hit me, but I am thinking you need to find a niche. Be the club photographer or announcer or sound man or bartender or... something.

This is excellent advice. Probably the best advice you can get on how to work yourself into the scene. I know it works, because it's what we did.

Waaay back when we first started going to our off-premises club, Mrs two4you decided she was going to be the "table clearer". She grabbed a bucket, and went table to table, clearing empty bottles, dumping ash trays, etc, and of course chatting with every person at every table, getting to know them just a little bit. Did it work? The first night she did it, she came back to our table with a new couple that she invited over to join us. We played that night, and are friends to this day.

Six years later, we still do things like this to stay involved and meet people. I conduct the new couples seminar, or occasionally work the door, and she still does the table sweeps.

Find your niche, whatever it is. If the hosts look like they need help with someone, jump right in and give them a hand. It will eventually pay benefits.

Another suggestion: Julie has recommended a book called "How to Work a Room" several times on the board. Consider purchasing a copy of this at your bookstore, or somewhere like Amazon. It could help you as well.

Good luck, and keep trying!

Thank you for the advice and encouragement!

What your wife did-clearing tables and such gave me an idea. I could offer to make beds! After watching an exhibitionist couple go at it I do compliment them afterwards for the opportunity to engage in some steamy voyeurism. I could offer to make the bed after they're done. Would be a chance to break the ice and just talk to people.