Turn and face the strange... oh yes, that's me.

It's been an interesting summer for PB and me. Busy! Lord, even after our two weeks when he was off work and we spent all our time together was over, we have been enjoying ourselves immensely. We even managed finally to connect with a very nice single man and hope to see him again.

Things are shifting a little though, mostly because of me. Last summer I dabbled my toes in the pool of BDSM, discovering that I have a deep untapped desire to be dominated. I spent what seemed like a lot of last summer in my Dom's bedroom, and discovered that I really really like to be tied up and spanked. But he left the scene when he fell in love, so I've been looking for someone to fill that need for me ever since.

PB is cool with it. He got a little weirded out by it last summer, but over the past year he's come to terms with it. He knows that it's something I really crave, and he also knows it's something he can't deliver. He is just not Dom material. He also knows that it's not going to take over my life. I'm just a bedroom sub, that's all. But to have that, I need to find and trust the man who will be Master behind the bedroom door.

Up until now I've been really hoping that lightning would strike twice and I would just happen to find the replacement in our regular swinging activity. Well, that approach hasn't exactly panned out. I have a feeling that many gentlemen out there may have an interest and experience in it, but don't advertise it on their profiles for fear of scaring off potential partners. So just contacting single guys and seeing if maybe they are into BDSM just isn't going to find me what I need. Which is where I was until Saturday.

Saturday we went to a memorial service and pig roast for a dear Lifestyle friend. A year ago he was fine; October he was diagnosed with cancer and he was gone by May 1st. About 20 or so of the more than a hundred people at the event on Saturday were Lifestylers. He and his wife had held regular parties at their home for years, and we had been lucky enough to join them since shortly after we began swinging. Through their parties we have become part of a strong and wonderful network of friends. There were tears and lots of hugs and kisses at the service. He knew what was going to happen, and he made a CD to be played; some talk and a lot of his favourite music, which he encouraged us to sing along to. (I did). Everyone should have a CD like that tucked away in a safe place. I'm thinking about what to have on mine right now.

Anyway, after the service and dinner, some of us went to another good friends' home to memorialise the departed in a way that he would truly have appreciated (and had actually stated more than once he wanted). Ironically enough, we were actually at a party there on the day that he passed away, and we had a toast to his memory early in the evening, when his death was announced. He would really have appreciated that coincidence. The group on Saturday was smaller, but we managed to enjoy ourselves anyway. At one point in the action, I paused, and in a discussion with a female friend, found out that she too has been looking for a Dom (from the ads on one of the swing sites I'm on, now as a single woman in search of..., I think that there are a lot of us out there!) Anyway, she recommended Fetlife, as a way to be able to focus my search more effectively.

Now bear in mind that I am a sub. I find it very hard to be aggressive and do some looking. I want to be found. Ah well. We came home, I created my profile on Fetlife, and am right now in conversation with two potential Doms. Most intriguing.

PB knows what I'm doing. Any man I decide to proceed as far as meeting, PB will meet too. I will not play alone with a man until PB and I have played with him together. Whatever relationship develops between me and this other man, it stays behind the bedroom doors, and time with PB will not be affected. We will continue to swing together, with old friends and new. BUT the nature of this activity requires a higher level of trust and bond between me and the Dom, and PB is prepared for that. Three years in the Lifestyle have made our level and trust and commitment even higher than when we began.

This is all very exciting, but I am in no rush to proceed to the bedroom yet. I see a lot of negotiation and discovery as necessary, because this is not just another swing partner that I'm looking for. However, hand-in-hand, PB and I are moving forward.