I just want to scream. The one couple I thought would bring us over the hump and deliver us to the land of honey hasn't called. We spent an evening with them despite my submissive being sick. She and I spent that day shopping despite her being sick and then in the evening, she wanted to cancel our date because she was sick. I would not allow that.

I made her go and we had a great time (I knew we would). I thought we all clicked. There was a moment that his wife and I held hands and it was electric. I couldn't wait to see them again but knew he'd be away for a couple weeks. We are on week three and I'm starting to spin in the wind. This time it is our turn to scene BDSM and it is likely we will swap afterwards. I'm thinking my woman is secretly praying it never happens.

We decided to go to a swinger's pj party since our new friends weren't available.. We found out the location was only 2 miles from our home. really. So we dressed in pj's and went over. There was a large crowd and less than half were in pj's. We felt like idiots. We went to the bar and found two seats at the end. Sitting next to us was an older couple. I was not attracted to the woman at all. He was the kind of guy who wears a the navy blue windbreaker with his excavating company embroidered on the front. He started hitting on my woman and she fended him off. Other than one other fellow saying hello and a few weak smiles from a wife or two..no one spoke to us. We didn't know a soul in the entire place.

We were beginning to withdraw. We moved from the bar and sat at a table with 6 seats near the dance floor. 4 of the seats were empty. We asked the couple sitting there if we could sit and they said yes. Then they got up danced for one song, came back, grabbed their stuff and left. Now we felt like lepers.

After watching the dance floor for a few songs, we got up and moved to another part of the club..near the smokers bar..we found the buffet and then sat down to eat. Every table but one was full and people were socializing like crazy. Except with us. We sat at the empty table for 4 by ourselves.

I recognized a guy I chatted with online. He was a very rotund fellow with one of those zztop beards. He told me he would say hello..but he never came over and walked by us several times without a glance. Besides, she wasn't interested in him. After a half hour of sitting next to each other at the booth, I told her we were leaving.

This was a disaster I did not forsee. The next day she told me this swinging thing was my mid-life crisis. She understood what I was going through. I told her she was full of crap. I'm bored. I want some excitement. I want to hang out with other people. I want to fuck. I want to watch someone fuck her. It's awesome and nothing to do with love. She said, ok she would do it because I want it so bad. I know that won't work. She has to commit or we will never find a couple who wants both of us.

The next day she took a shot. "I only need you but I'm not enough for YOU. I don't need any other cock but yours in my pussy but you want to put your cock on other women's pussies." This is called the trap. I am supposed to say, "NO baby, I only need your pussy" and then we can stop this silly nonsense, right?

I smiled at her and shrugged. "Im having a mid-life crisis. That's all"

But I backed off. The evening was a disaster and I already knew it had set us back 6 months on this path. Things returned to normal. Last weekend we watched a movie on pay per view. She was slipping back into the normal routine of her favorite shows and her early bedtime. She has no fire in her belly, no insatiable sex drive, no desire to fuck, to suck, to let go and let her body be a sensual conduit for pleasure.

It may be physical. Menopause is kicking in now. But I see other women our age involved in this lifestyle. Is menopause an excuse? I have no idea. She gave me literature to read. Ugh. Scientific proof why she wont swap. What is the the truth we refuse to see? She is monogamous and will only swap to please her Master.

I began a nightly ritual. The first night, after inspecting her naked pussy, I fucked her rough.

The next day we talked about it. She was concerned. That night ritual was romantic and sensual. The next night, I required her to blow me. The following night, I gave her a deep massage. Then I let her off easy because she was sick. The next night I spanked and whipped her. She needs to be re-trained before I can put her out there for others to enjoy. The night after that I inspected her pussy with a large vibrator and made her cum several times. Tonight her pussy was going to get a shave. But I changed my mind. Jack rabbit was in no mood for ritual tonight.

I was looking at the hot dates on another website. There were 4-5 couples looking for a date tonight. she sits on the sofa watching tv. and is perfectly content. I'm bored out of my mind. The switch is ON and I cant turn it OFF. She says she has NO moral problem with swinging. She's just happy with what I provide. fuck. damn. piss. She doesn't get it. We've been together for 5 years. From the first moment she turned on the TV, I winced. I did not want THAT fucking journey again.

But the problem is even bigger. I gained too much weight the past five years. Now I'm trying to lose it. Im down 22 pounds..She has gained a lot of weight also. We arent BBW but we arent HWP...we are RITFM...Right in the fucking middle. Seems like that takes both groups out of the equation. Very counterproductive, that.

I'm not confident today about getting over the hump. She once asked me if swinging was a dealbreaker for us. I said no. I think I lied. I think the answer is yes. I want that excitement..I want to go and have drinks and if it doesn't click..at least we got out and socialized..and if it does work..we will jump that hump.

Boy do I need our BDSM swinger friends to call and invite us over again. I've sent them a few messages and the responses are always positive and they are genuine people so I am showing my wild impatience again. But I know through our love of BDSM culture and our style of scening, we can cross over with a couple we scene with. It will be more natural than she ever expected.

Yet here I sit..Jack rabbit caught in another trap. I will gnaw my leg off if I have to. But the journey looks like a mountain we will have to scale. Not everyone is a good climber. Some people have no desire to stand on top of the world. I may only have one leg. Will she attempt the climb? Can I stand on one leg? Only for awhile, only for awhile.