Wake up, spend an inordinate amount of time getting ready (legs don’t shave themselves.)

Realize you’re running late, scramble around throwing things into a bag, throw kids into car, drive an hour and a half North to drop said kids off with sister for the night. Leave sister’s house only ten minutes behind, phew! Drive three hours South to get to hotel Mr. Prufrock booked for the night. Get stuck in rush hour standstill traffic on I-270 for no reason at all; there goes dinner.

Finally make it to hotel, run around getting ready. Put make-up on. Hey, you’re getting better at doing that quickly! Turn down Mr. Prufrock’s lovely offer of the microwave mac-n-cheese he bought at the front desk, as you feel like you’re going to throw up. Take a deep breath. Remember your mantra “You will likely never see these people again. You are an awesome person and people will like you.” Worry you will be overdressed. Repeat mantra over and over in head.

Leave hotel only 10 minutes late.

Get to meet and greet. Try to not throw up. Repeat your mantra. Meet hosts. Nice people! Friendly! They give you your card for the introduction game and send you on your merry way. Mantra goes out the window as you stand around stupidly, recognizing you are overdressed. Waitress appears! Order a gin and tonic. Awkwardly peruse the room looking at the couples already engaged in conversations with other couples. Wonder if you look like a deer in headlights. An overdressed deer in headlights. The Angel of Drinks descends once again with your beverages.

Suck it up, walk over to another couple, show your card. They don’t match. Desperately try to act natural as you make small talk. Couple is very nice. They don’t seem to catch on that you’re terrified. Suck down your drink like it was air. Realize too late that the Angel of Drinks gave you gin with a splash of tonic. Remind self to take it slow. Excuse yourself to get another when conversation lolls and all you can think of in terms of witty dialogue is “this gin and tonic is very gin-y.”

Mr. Prufrock follows to the bar. He has barely touched his gin and tonic. Meet another very friendly couple at the bar. Mrs. NiceCouple is extremely nice. They are relatively new too! Start to relax. A few hints throughout the conversation indicate that Mr. NiceCouple is not on board. With anything. Even though his wife is very enthusiastic. Start to feel awkward again. Take it slower on second G&T, realize that no dinner and two G&T’s mixed with relatively low alcohol tolerance is a bad combination. Start to seriously regret your decision to wear heels.

Suddenly a wild nerd and his beautiful wife appear! An extroverted nerd! Wonder for a moment that such a thing actually exists. Revel in the fact that he and his wife are, in fact, extremely attractive! And they love Doctor Who! Realize too late that your extra enthusiasm is fueled by the second G&T. Reign it in, tone it down. Act cool. Explain you’re newbies. Get same shocked reaction to where you live (Columbus! Wow! Princeton is awesome!)

They are experienced. Far more suave and knowledgeable then we are. Feel stupid. Feel even more stupid when you mention you came because, in doing your research, the awesome forum you found suggested this as a good starting off point. Get a guffaw from the research comment, but also a high-five. Not sure where you stand regarding extreme geekiness of research on sex-with-relative-strangers.

Toes are starting to go numb, ignore it. Continue to talk to Mr. ExtroNerd and Attractive Wife. Have a good time; feel like you’re bonding over geek stuff. Mr. ExtroNerd flits away and talks to other couples, it’s ok, ExtroNerd’s Attractive Wife is fun to talk to. Enter another attractive experienced couple. Start to feel insecure. These people are way out of our league. Try to ignore it. Get another G&T. Mr. ExtroNerd finds a card that matches Mr. Prufrock’s. Mr. Prufrock and you switch cards and Mr. ExtroNerd leads you to the hosts, arm around your waist. Mildly panic at Mr. ExtroNerd putting his arm around you. Realize it feels quite thrilling. Start to feel not so bad about being an overdressed deer in headlights, as many people comment on how nice your dress is. Either that or the G&T’s are really kicking in.

Mr. ExtroNerd leads you to a few different couples to see if their cards match. Fail miserably at flirting. Go back to the group. Have a good time talking to several couples. The club is starting to get busy, it’s getting louder, harder to hear people. Hope other people aren’t annoyed when you say “what” and then lean in close to hear them better. Give up and try to respond accordingly despite having no idea what they’re saying.

A song you don’t recognize comes on, the ladies depart for the dance floor. Spend a minute desperately trying get your groove on despite the fact that you are tipsy, and in heels, and can’t feel your toes. Blunder around like a wombat with a concussion until you say "screw it," take your shoes off, and dance like an idiot. Stop caring because it’s fun and you've had three G&T's with no dinner.

Follow group back to guys. Put evil shoes back on. Fantasize about starting a giant bonfire and throwing all of your heels into it. Realize three G&T’s were way too much, start drinking water. Feeling hot and sweaty, start to feel sweat run down legs. Gross. Wonder why you decided to skip the panties. Remember that Mr. Prufrock got all hot and bothered at the idea; decide sweaty legs are worth it.

Eventually couples leave, you exchange numbers with Mr. ExtroNerd’s wife and leave after they do. Feel exhausted and quite tipsy. See McDonalds on the way home. Remember lack of dinner. Convince Mr. Prufrock to stop at McDonalds for a cheeseburger. Get back to hotel. Throw evil shoes across room. Strip down while eating delicious cheeseburger. Mmm trans fat. Dive headfirst into bed, think about all of the stupid things you said. Burrow underneath covers and pillows. Vow to never leave the house again.

Talk about relative lack of interest at the M&G with Mr. Prufrock. Mr. Prufrock reminds you that you wouldn’t know if someone was flirting if they hit you over the head with a brick that said: “I’m flirting with you.”

Thank the good sweet Lord that back in 2004, you decided to talk to the hot bespectacled nerd wearing a Flogging Molly shirt. Proceed to be ravaged by said bespectacled nerd. Decide that leaving the house isn’t so bad.