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The beginnings of my sexual education

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sunbuckus

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I wanted to respond to the thread: Where did you get your sex education? but I didn't want to write a wall o' text and derail the thread so I have opted to answer it here.

 

When I was about 4 or 5 years old, I was friends with the next door neighbor girl. She was a couple of years older than me and she had an older brother that was at least a year or two older than her. I remember being at the side of our house, next to my dad's old beat-up Oldsmobile (that no longer worked) and my friend, M, asking to show me "mine" while she showed me "her's". We didn't touch each other but just showed our pubic mounds. I think I had concurrent thoughts of, "Cool, looks like mine," and, "What's the big deal about these things?"

 

Now, her older brother, A, was friends with another neighborhood boy, probably around the same age as him. I'll be blunt...I didn't like either of them. I found them to be scary but since one of them was my friend's brother, I had to interact with them a lot more than I cared for.

 

One day, A and his friend wanted to pair up with M and I. I didn't know what game it was but I was paired with A while my friend, M, was paired with the other neighborhood boy. They had us split up, one pair on the right side of the house and the other at the left side. I was told to lie down on the grass.

 

To this day, I can't recall what exactly happened because things moved pretty quickly. Maybe he was starting to lift up my shirt or unbutton my pants. I don't know. What I do know was that I was looking at the window of his house and his much older sister looked out and had a horrified look on her face that quickly changed to, "No, no, no!" Before I knew it, she had rushed out of the house and helped me up from my position.

 

At that moment, even though I had no idea about sex, I knew we were doing some wrong...what ever it was.

 

So, my mom took it upon herself to give me the sex talk. Since I was so young, I didn't understand most of what she was talking about. And I was bored. Not to mention, I had that feeling of, "Well, what ever sex is, it must be wrong to do it."

 

I don't recall my mother ever sitting with me again to talk about it. There were a couple of permission slips to attend a sex education video class at school, in 4th and 5th grade, which I went to. I'm not sure if I paid attention to them but it probably made my parents more at ease knowing I was getting some kind of education about it.

 

Also, during those primary school years, I remember friends whispering about "getting their period". "Did you get it yet?" I was "lucky" (/sarcasm) enough to begin mine at 10 years old. My mom had confided in me that she was amazed that I wasn't freaked out about menstruation.

 

However, I was freaked out about a different neighborhood boy groping at my developing breasts on the school bus, every day after school in 5th grade. And I wasn't the only one he would do that to. I remember having a hard time telling my mom about it. Was it something I was doing to make him grab me? Would I get in trouble? Would she be able to do anything about it?

 

Sadly, I'm not sure my mother really understood what I was trying to tell her and if she did, she wasn't sure what to do about it so I had to endure the pawing for the rest of the school year. However, I had conflicting feelings about these incidents as well. Even though it was unwanted touching, I found myself also aroused by it.

 

These were my earliest "sexual" experiences. I had no others until I met Mr. Sun. My other sex education came from reading (and re-reading) any and all sexual scenes in books, I would masturbate to them over and over again. There was even a general medical book that had detailed drawings of the penis and how to place a condom on one. Eventually, I would luck out and figure out I could find sex stories on the internet and print them out. I even came upon stacks and stacks of VHS tapes of porn that my dad recorded and watched a few of those.

 

Obviously, this wasn't an ideal way to begin my sexual education but life is hardly perfect.

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Wow, good thing the older sister came out of the house or it could've been much more traumatizing. I had the stereotypical chinese mother who never bothered to give me the sex talk at all. And I never told or asked her about anything sexual because I just got the feeling she's not comfortable or interested in talking about it. My older sister became my Dear Abby to all things sexual. It probably explains why my sister and I grew up to be so sexually open.

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Your early experiences are probably pretty common, sadly. I say sadly because of the taboos that keep people from letting their kids know that, yeah, sex is normal and natural, and it doesn't make you "bad" for having feelings about it, or exploring it. Kids are so impressionable; they're a blank slate and they're just honestly exploring a new curiosity. There is nothing "sinful" about it. But it's easy to make them feel like shit by telling them they're bad for exploring it. It's a shame.

 

Thankfully, I've never had anyone assault me in my entire life. Which makes me wonder why I have such strong feelings about the idea of someone touching me without invitation. My earliest memories of sexual exploration are of discovering that sliding down the banister made me feel funny in a really nice way. Being told it was "dirty" to touch myself didn't keep me from doing whatever the hell I wanted. Sorry Mom. I remember "playing doctor" with my girlfriends around 5 or 6. As we got a little older, we read Are You There God? It's Me Margaret, learned about periods and those mysterious tampon things (trying to figure out how they're supposed to fit in there), and got into one friend's father's stash of porn magazines. We hid in the closet and read them. I found the close-up shots of penises inserted into vaginas to be strangely repulsive and erotic at the same time. My (female) cousin and I practiced kissing with one another. Every chance we got to disappear together, we'd experiment with kissing or touching each other. It was a lot of fun, and she seemed to really enjoy it. We had no idea that there was anything "wrong" with doing this with a cousin. Not any more so than doing it in the first place (because it was wrong/bad/dirty). I think, years later, my bicurious first foray into the lifestyle was probably the bloom of the seeds we planted way back then. I got over it. I'm pretty much an 8/10 hetero now.

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