(A TV is switched on. Let's watch.)

TV ANCHOR WOMAN: Well, we're just moments away from witnessing what promises to be a historical speech.

ANCHOR MAN: Nearly all of the members are seated. I think what makes these speeches so interesting are the President's oral skills.

TV ANCHOR WOMAN: I couldn't agree more. Plus, he is also a good public speaker too.

ANCHOR MAN: His "Dream" speech was SO inspiring.

(CUT TO: We hear audio from a PAST speech from days gone by...)

THE PRESIDENT: I have a Swing! I have a swing and one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of swinging. Let swinging ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let swinging ring from every mountainside. Let swinging ring! Swing at Last! Swing at Last! Thank.....

(interrupts)

ANCHOR MAN: We're moments away and I'm not really sure why we are still waiting? Shouldn't this have begun about 20 minutes ago?

ANCHOR WOMAN: (sigh) John and Allie from Swingercast decided to attend "spontaneously" so we're just waiting on them to arrive and then the President will start.

ANCHOR MAN: Okay it looks like everyone is seated. Here we go...

PRESIDENT: My fellow swingers, swappers, playmates, lifestylers, friends with benefits and curious lookie-loos....thank you for coming and....also thank you for attending this event.

Let me begin by recognizing that some of you do not like labels. Some of you prefer the word "playmate" to the word "swinger" and I applaud you for your diversity. Whatever you decide to call your way of playing is your choice. Some younger “players” do not like the word “swinger”. Yet in 2008 more people learned about swinging than ever before.

I am happy to report that the State of the Swing is Strong!

(The members of the House rise in applause and then many of them begin to shake hands, embrace, kiss, remove clothing. They slowly sit back in their seats as the President resumes his speech).

PRESIDENT: There are over 3,000 swing clubs in the world and hundreds of dating sites. The number of new homes with pre-installed hot tubs is off the charts. Yet in spite of all the wonderful people exploring the Lifestyle MANY people still look down on us. To them I say, ner-ner-ner-ner. Our marriages are stronger because we don't have affairs and we don't lie to each other!

(More Applause. One Senator wipes her eye. Another appears bored and takes out a small pocket vibrator).

PRESIDENT: United, we are a billion dollar industry. Divided, we are still a very fun group of horny couples. We have resorts like Desire, Hedo and Pleasure Grove. And there are new resorts like Temptations opening up each year. There are events like Swingfest, Couplesfest, Naughty in N'awlins, Playcate and the San Francisco Convention.

My point is that there are a large number of businesses competing for your vacation dollars. When swinger resorts compete, swingers win better service, better accommodations and best of all, variety.

Speaking of variety, there are MILLIONS of us. Before the Internet, swingers had to find a classified ad and then write an actual letter to a prospective play partner. The Internet shortened our waiting times and is bringing us all together faster, and again providing us with even more variety.

Now, what I am about to say next might not be popular with some of our friends who operate dating sites.

Dear Dating Site Owners, Your customers LOVE your sites. Yes, there are new ones popping up every day. Yes, competition is fierce but dating site owners have to recognize that the Internet has changed! PLEASE STOP reprimanding our memberships and profiles for posting links to other web sites! Swingers like to share. We wanna share our pictures, stories and adventures with others. Yes, we enjoy YOUR sites. That is why so many of us pay to have online profiles. But it is 2008 and we are doing more on the Internet than only paying for ONE dating site. Blogs, podcasts, personal web pages and links to swinger clubs and events should be embraced, not shunned.

(more applause)

In the area of Swinger Science I am also happy to announce that the sightings of Unicorns have increased tremendously over the last few years. We still haven't found one but rest assured that we are still looking.

(cheers)

It has become a tradition at these speeches to invite someone to sit in the balcony. Then I direct your attention on them to make myself look like a caring soul. So, that is why I have invited Ms. Komalot Sinn to join us tonight. Komalot grew up in poverty but because of swinging she now drives an expensive car and has three homes. She is not a swinger or a porn star. How did she make her money? Why she is a waxologist of course.

(Komalot waves. The crowd goes apeshit.)

We've also made great strides in the area of Education. In the past, the media produced negative stories on swinging during "sweeps week" in February. Today, they do negative stories ALL THE TIME; in newspapers, television and radio! We've been the subject of HBO shows, broadcast sitcoms, a feature film and even a Superbowl commercial.

Now, a Presidential speech would not be complete without a well-intentioned idea meant to stir the masses into a frenzy with a lofty but impossible to reach outcome. That is why I have directed the Ministry of Art to design an emblem that will immediately identify each and every one of us as a swinger. For security reasons, this emblem will only be available to those of us that already know the secret handshake and passwords. No vanilla person will ever be able to know the true meaning of the emblem and if they do come into this knowledge they will either immediately become a respectful swinger or we will use the "memory-eraser-thingy" as seen in the movie Men In Black to delete their awareness.

It will come in a variety of colors. It WILL be shiny and it will immediately identify all of your swinging preferences from full swap to soft swap. It will also remember all the names of people you have ever played with, be equipped with GPS and will be capable of choosing the perfect outfit for ladies to wear on any given night. Unfortunately, it cannot be used as a strap-on until 2012.

In closing let me say that the Senator from Texas has been staring at my crotch all night and that has been exciting the hell out of me.

Good Night.