I'm walking around the house washing dishes having conversations with myself. Frustrated and angry ramblings about how sucky the situation is.

He said to me the other day, 'We should get back into the scene...things used to be sexier" I mean jesus what fucking planet! Sexier?? for who?? I certainly didn't feel sexy and what he was doing for sure wasn't giving him any kind of sexual satisfaction. Maybe he's talking about that cloud of delusion he lived under dreaming about the chances of the perfect (well fill in the blank really) to come along and satisfy his desperate needs. Delusion is a good word, he still has no clue how I felt and how I feel, it's like I'm talking to myself, probably why i'm standing in the kitchen snapping at the cuttlery. At least they can't get affended and ignore me for days. I can lay awake at night untill the early hours when the birds are tweeting , on the occasions that he finds me at 3;am on the sofa trying to soothe myself to sleep he attempts to ask what;s wrong but after a couple sentences of me explaining how difficult i'm finding things and how coping is hard, he is offended as i've judged him and blamed him for this situation we are in. There's no empathy for me, no understanding and no soft place to fall, I'm just ignored and then ignored some more when I'm not feeling sexy!

"I love you and I love your body, but i'm not interested in having sex with you!" Wow that one made me feel really sexy. He then back tracked and said that it's not that he doesn't want to have sex with me it's just that he wants me to want it more with him. I mean I just can't win, I'm already battling the temptation to blame myself for not being enough for him and I've lost whatever sex appeal I used to have. I tried masturbation a few times and well...let's just say there is not much to write about!

I'm not body concious, i'm fit, healthy and beautiful but most of the time I feel like a good Chardoney brought out at a party only for the guest of honour to need a bottle of Jack Daniels to enjoy the occasion.

He just doesn't get it...people say that acknoledging your addiction is the biggest step, but I don't see it. Acknowldging his addiction seems to have only given him license to pretend some more that it's dealt with! We are no further on than we were a year ago when we were still in the dark. The only difference now is that i'm a bitch who appears to have turned her back on his suffering.

I'm not even sure what i'm angry about, myself for enabling for so long, him for not seeing me in all of this, or the addiction that is not going to go away by itself! Sometimes I feel like i'm just being selfish, 'what about me?' I keep saying to myself. I'm trying my best to get on with 'normal life' but it's a fight. It must be what greiving feels like, I feel like I lost something.