Ok. Hi. I'm not even sure how to start this. Ugh. 

Ok. Here it comes. Brace yourself ?

Hi. My name is missy. Today is the first day I came across this site and boy am I glad I did. I'm not only new to the site, I'm new to the lifestyle as well. 

There was a turning point in my life about a year ago and when I came out holding my head up high, I just idk I started looking at life differently. I started to Appreciated the little things. Like the sunset, and the sound of children playing. Realizing that nothing is worth your peace. My boys had just moved out and I didnt know what to do with myself. I decided that I wasn't gonna die miserable. I mean I dont know exactly what triggered my curiosity at that time but it really doesnt mater. I opened a tinder account and matched with women only. Not men. Not really sure at that point what to expect. I was in an great relationship with the an amazing man that I still believe today is my person... my forever, My favorite human, Mark. So I started matching with women and eventually met up with someone I connected with. Nothing happened sexually but we had plans to meet again. I felt I was cheating on mark at this point cuz I haven't said anything to him. I had a great time with this woman and the guilt was too much and I confessed. To my surprise he was more than accepting. We talked all night about everything. He was really happy I chased my desire. That was the night my whole life changed. To my surprise, he has been involved in the lifestyle for a long time. More than 10 years. I had no idea... I wanted to know EVERYTHING! We talked and talked and  ended up opening a SLS account, had earth shattering sex and then went to bed. At work the next morning I had so many things running through my head. I mean girl on girl is soooo different than the 2 of us participating ya know. So i gathered my thoughts and did what I did best, I googled it. I needed to know everything I could. I needed to be confident that it was something I was capable of. I read so much about why couples get turned on and how to handle your feelings and overcome them. I was prepared for whatever came my way (as much as I could be). Our relationship was solid and understood the difference between love and desire. Obviously I experienced it first hand. 

Not soon after, he left town to visit his family. I was at his place bored on a Friday night and my curiosity got the best of me. I started chatting on SLS. Insert Mike here. We just hit it off right away. And I invited him over. TO MARK'S HOUSE. I didnt invite him with the intention or expectation of sex. He was new to this all too had no expectations whatsoever. Anyway we ended staying up til 8 am, fucking Everywhere. In Mark's house ?‍♀️. Mark doesnt know this happened. I did tell him all about mike and hiw I just knew they'd hit it off. I was excited to have met someone do perfect for US. I just left out the sex part. So one Saturday morning Mike called asking if I would wanna go to a  swingers club with him that night. Of course I was like HELL YES ILL GO! I was so nervous but kept my composure. Regardless that I drank so much. But it was amazing! Mike n I were both so nervous but curious that we together just him and I had an unforgettable night. Dancing and singing and it was a perfect introduction to the club scene. Neither of us talked to anyone else thete but we got our feet wet ya know. At this point, Mike and I were spending a lot of time together. I was always open w mark about everything... until.. yup. We caught some feels. I started seeing some jealousies in mark. I'm not gonna lie, I was surprised. He was always supportive but never wanted to meet him. So now here I am, in love w two completely different yet so much alike men at the same time. Mark is everything I want and need and he is perfect. But mike was everything he wasnt. Mike was wild and crazy like me. He was spontaneous, reckless, and loved life to the fullest... we were literally the same person. Mark is more reserved and a different kind of fun and I could never imagine not being with him. Eventually did meet (I invited mike to a concert that mark and went to)  and they ended up getting along exactly as I knew they would. I was a little jelly. To my surprise, mark later told me he contemplated leaving at one point. Fast forward...

So here I am, with neither of them romantically but very close to them both. Oh eventually mark and I did have a 3some (with a girl of my choice) and it was absolutely horrible. She was so needy that it took away from our 1st experience. I'm still coping to this day with my feelings about it. The image of him fucking her pops in my head every now and again. And its haunting. But the situation was circumstantial.

Ok so let's fast forward to present day. The first time I went to a swingers club was with in August with a man (mike). I decided to back that very next weekend, ALONE, and almost every weekend since. I'm now part of the family ❤. Every time I go,  i go with no expectations and a curious mind. I have fun and whatever happens, happens. I never feel obligated or by no means desperate. I often leave with no interaction.  And I have no regrets. I've never felt inadequate or undesirable.  I realized that women intimidate me. I am not confident enough with a woman and that's why it hasn't worked out. I've always ended in my comfort zone... men. So my experience is minimal and it's all because of my self doubt. I'm working on it. 

Let's fast forward one more time to December. It was a night that I was approached by a couple to join  and well let's just say it ended up him and I in one room and her and another guy in a different room. There was no conflict or anything it was all good. By this time its extremely late and I'm still a ball full of energy when I stumble across this tall stacked bald hansome specimen, Dylan. Btw at this point my hair is in braids and I'm wearing a hoodie and sweats, not at my best lol. Even still, there was this instant attraction. The desire was overwhelming. Within 5 minutes of meeting we were bangin Hard. There was so much passion and sexual tension between us, that was one of my best sexual experiences to date. We exchanged numbers and went our ways.

He texted me the next day (thankfully he provided his name because I didn't remember it nor did I care at that point) and we just picked right up where we left off... the texting was hot and exciting and intense. We couldnt wait to see each other again. 

And here I am today so confused about how in such a short time all that lust, all that desire and passion is gone.  Like completely non existent. 

I am confident in myself and who I am as  person. I am a kind, generous, happy being. And I worked hard to be the woman I am today. But you know, I do need more from him. He never ever compliments me. I mean never. I often say to him how I rushed and wanted to look pretty for him, fishing for a compliment. He just smiles and blows it off. I'll send him a selfie and he doesnt even acknowledge it. The last time I even said to him, I feel really pretty today I was hoping seeing my face would make you smile. His reply to me was I did smile. ? I've talked to him about how i feel about this. Not once but twice! Still, Not one compliment. It's not that I need him to validate my worth. What I need is to know he feels that way for me. I mean, I addressed it and he made no attempt to be more aware so idk I cant. Every morning I send a good morning text. And I am ALWAYS very generous with compliments to him. That's who I am. I dont think he needs reassurance that's hes hot but he has no doubt of my desires for him. So with this already on my mind, I received an email from a member on one of the sites we're on... confused I logged on and he messaged this male asking if he would be intersted in a 3some and to fuck me. WHHAAATTT?? he literally left my house that morning (no sex) and messaged this random person to fuck me. AFTER just the night before we had a very intense conversation about going in swinging together, as a couple. PLUS I was no lie begging him for sex before he left that morning.

I cannot even put into words how I felt. What hurts me most, is that's the moment i realized he doesnt know anything about me. He doesn't know the person I am. For him to even think that was ok, showed me such. 

1. I was very clear that he cant push me to do something i dont want to do. I will not do it. How does he even know I'd be attracted to this man. He didn't. It didnt matter to him. I am by no means going to do anything in that sort for his pleasure. 

And 2. It would never happen. He already put me in an uncomfortable minded. I will never set up a meet with expectations. I'm all about meeting. But I cant have that hangin on my head or I wont be in the moment right there. No expectations, no pressure. And there is no exceptions. If I dont have some kind of connection with the other person and just do it cuz its expected, I'm not going to enjoy it the way I need to. 

That has NOTHING to do with the lifestyle. It's me. My character. Its who I am. In any situation. 

So regardless of all that, we arent intimate but he wants to have someone else fuck me... he doesnt deserve m heart. 

He doesnt even know this yet. 

I know it's the right thing to do. But I dont know if I'm being dramatic or if this shit is normal. But it doesnt feel right. I told him I wasn't ready to bring others in yet. I told him! That I need to be confident in our relationship or the experience will be shit. But he apparently missed that part. He missed ALl of it.

Im Sorry this turned out to be so long. I dont blame you if you dont make it to the end. However it felt really really good to remember mark and I together in that way. And remembering all the insane crazy things mike and I did. My heart feels warm rn. 

Thank you for reading. (Sorry about the spelling error)

~M