From today's Ask Amy

[AdamGunn2 418]

Ask Amy: My wife and I talk about opening our marriage. Are we asking for trouble?

 

Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for five years. Each of us has brought up the topic of having an open marriage at one time or another. There is nothing wrong or missing in our marriage and our intimate life is incredible.

 

I am wondering — is this a healthy curiosity on our parts, or are we just asking for trouble?

 

— Confused

 

Confused: Discussing having an open marriage isn’t asking for trouble. Committed and intimate partners should discuss their hopes, dreams, fears and fantasies.

 

Longer married people understand through experience that marriage can be very hard work. Life unfolds in its untidy way, and tests commitments. Work, family, illness, and financial issues will challenge every couple. Wondering who your spouse is having sex with tonight adds a layer of stress that a lot of people couldn’t handle. My basic point is that if your marriage ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it by bringing other people into it.

 

On the other hand, if you don't have children at home and can mutually agree to parameters that will allow you to explore your sexual and relationship curiosity with other people while still staying emotionally committed to each other, you might take the leap.

 

If you choose to try this, I think it would be prudent to consider or imagine what your life would be like without your spouse in it, because for many people, “opening” a marriage eventually leads to ending it.

Edited April 17 by AdamGunn2

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

Amy's response is very thoughtful.

 

I think husbands who agree to open their marriage should understand that their wives will have considerably more success at finding partners than they will.

 

We have seen instances where a seemingly shy and reserved wife suddenly develops a vibrant social life, going on dates and even some travel with high caliber men while the husband, if not wealthy, struggles to find any one to date at all.  The imbalance can be very upsetting.

[NoAngels 349]

49 minutes ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Amy's response is very thoughtful.

 

I think husbands who agree to open their marriage should understand that their wives will have considerably more success at finding partners than they will.

 

We have seen instances where a seemingly shy and reserved wife suddenly develops a vibrant social life, going on dates and even some travel with high caliber men while the husband, if not wealthy, struggles to find any one to date at all.  The imbalance can be very upsetting.

When we opened our marriage my Angel joined an extramarital site and found it very easy to find men willing to no attachment affairs. My play was limited to a few business trip affairs that was limited because of Covid limiting travel time. Where she was out often my play was based on her setting up dates through her connections. 
I can’t say I struggle finding dates we decided to sign me up for my own account on the site she is on which is much more expensive for men. She is much better in filtering out the scams and finding some very eager married women for my meetings. I’m always skeptical of the motives of women on the site yet have found women are no different from men on the site just wanting more. 
It works for us because we are open, talk and understand the freedom. 
 

[Fundamental Law 2,903]

We agree. Amy’s response is thoughtful. We wonder, though, whether the correspondent has a grasp on the full dimension of the question. 
 

Some years ago, we posted an essay on the topic here at SB. It still seems reasonably fresh and on point. If we knew the original questioner, we would invite both him and is wife to read it as a prelude to a kitchen table conversation. 
 

 

Perhaps someone can refer this to Amy and back to the original correspondent. 

[njbm 2,901]

Good for Amy to provide a balanced answer and not total moralistic, anti-swinging rhetoric. 

[MidLifeFun 148]

5 hours ago, NoAngels said:

When we opened our marriage my Angel joined an extramarital site and found it very easy to find men willing to no attachment affairs

We enjoy reading how you deal with swinging in a much different way, more like that consensual non monogamy others mention. So many times we think we are talking to couples on the groups we subscribe to that end up being men looking to just hook up. We never entertain the suggestion and just block the liars. The conversation we have is if he was honest would you meet him or even a stronger would you meet him alone. Years ago Howard Stern advertised Ashley Madison, before we even thought one day we would understand the people who would meet for affairs. Honestly I thought it was a scam. Now we read your posts and wonder if I was wrong. I don’t like that the members are cheating, so called non consensual non monogamy. What criteria do men have and do the women set a higher standard? Is it safe for my wife meeting a man alone? I wonder if a man would let me meet him before or would I wait near as they have their tryst. 
Together we have looked at AFF as a possibility of both of joining as singles or married but playing separately. We want to be honest in our meetings if we go do meet others alone. 
The original question Are we asking for trouble? We don’t believe we are. We have been in the lifestyle long enough, have met others online and still trust and love. We have been same room and separate room with no problems. Safety is the main issue. 
 

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

With respect to my fellow forum members, I'm going to have to disagree that Amy's response is very thoughtful.

 

My reasons are threefold; one she presumes that a married couple with kids can't engage in this lifestyle. That's utterly false. Two, she presumes that opening the marriage will automatically induce additional stress. Three, she presumes that opening up a marriage will likely lead to ending it, yet doesn't back it up with any supporting evidence. She just presumes it will likely end the marriage. So, the short form is "It's ok to try it if you like stress, don't have kids, and want to end your marriage. Go for it!"

 

Sorry, I'm not on board. I find her response judgmental, cynical, and deeply critical.

[KatrinaandDriverX 121]

If the husband is prepared to accept the potential for sexual inequality, then give it a try. You can always turn back (yet could you ?)

 

I knew one couple where the husband fared better with new partners, yet that was because she wasn't trying too much. It worked for them.

 

Now, for us, we had started Swinging and had been enjoying things. Yet, sex is very powerful and you cannot treat it lightly. So, we were openly discussing our Swing partners and he got a bit jealous. He couldn't help himself and said something really stupid.  He said,"It's not like you can just walk out of the apartment , meet some guy and fuck ?!" Are you nodding your head that that was pretty foolish ?

 

I stormed out of the apartment, went to an elite bar, a guy chatted me up, I explained that I was married and wanted a vengeance fucking. A man of his word, we went to a boutique hotel nearby and he truly fucked me into next week and more.

 

I went home, walked in and Alex knew right away that I was disheveled, had had it really put to me and was smiling like he had rarely seen.

 

He never spoke to me that way again. 

[couplers 4,717]

12 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

she presumes that opening the marriage will automatically induce additional stress. 

Agreed.  In our poly family, our experience is that having other intimate relationships besides a single spouse reduces stress considerably. 

 

12 hours ago, bbarnsworth said:

she presumes that opening up a marriage will likely lead to ending it,

For the above reason, I don't think that is the case.