Wife is wanting to be naughty and explore it

[Adventurous5682 1]

Hi all , well where do I start? I will keep it short and simple if I can. we’ve been together 34 years and our children now grown up and left over the last two years decided we could spice things up a little bit on the norm all our our sex life has always been pretty good watching erotic movies and my wife has also played with me while I’ve watched and I’ve set up an evening once she had a watch erotic sex clip and she masturbate while she’s on the bed watching it. She’s hinted to me she’s got a naughty side and has asked me to explore it but when I’ve asked as she any idea what she’d like to do all she says is she doesn’t really know, but she’ll know when she says it , I’m thinking she might want to do other stuff and maybe getting into a soft swap or just watching other couples , at some stage that might be something that’s on her mind but she didn’t choose a bit embarrassed or afraid to suggest it. I have said to her any idea what you want to try don’t be shy but she is away from the question. She knows what’s on my mind. How do I go about finding what she wants to do? And if I present her with the question, would she like to go to a swingers club just dance the night away but get a bit erotic on the dance floor

[AdamGunn2 398]

A good game of truth or dare might provide you with some clues - only if she is willing.

 

Don't push her!

[Adventurous5682 1]

So I’ve started off some questions and so far so good , I’m going really careful as. Do t want her to feel she’s being pushed into new stuff.

ill also add , she already gets tied up and. Has a sex cushion she bounces on and uses a dildo and a vibrator , she cumms on it too .

 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Keep nurturing conversation. You can also try some things, like going to a strip club together (if she is bi, or bi curious). You can go to a regular club too, with her dressed somewhat provocatively and let her explore reactions of men around her. You could go to a swinger's "meet and greet"; things usually don't happen onsite, but it opens possibilities. Lots of ways to have a look at the water, if not dip your toe in it.

 

With all of these you can then discuss with her how she felt, what seemed exciting, etc.

Edited May 8 by bbarnsworth

[Adventurous5682 1]

Thanks ,

where do we find meet and greet evenings , the club I like which is high class , or at least has the best reviews is le boudoir in London , also she’s not bi or bi curious as far as I know , but you never know , she good at hiding stuff 😂 , 

not sure a strip club will work as atm she’s likely to see me watching another woman strip a threat , I’m working on reassuring her the flirting and new things I want to try are about her and how much it excites me to watch her get so turned  on , 

we have only started watching erotica stuff over the last few months maybe about 6 , she’s progressively gone from No , do t want to watch it  at all , to now we have watch and play evenings , she dresses up sexy and gets the toys out and we both watch and cum , or have sex . She’s opening up slowly , I’ve also sent her text measages as well while I was  at work telling her to go shower and then go to the bedroom and cum , she did it no question, also I set up a erotic short clip and she’s watched it and  lve crept in and watched up cum to it . She loves it . And said she wants to do it again .

the other day we agreed that if I introduce something new then we do it over text first as she a bit nervous in person , but so far I’ve had nothing from her to say no in any area ,

what’s your council 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

There's an old piece of advice here that is very, very relevant: In getting into swinging or hotwifing, always go at the pace of the slower person. Some couples take years, and that's ok. My wife and I took eight months. Some couples take a weekend. No I'm not joking Whatever works for you is exactly the right speed.

 

You say your wife is good at hiding stuff. That can be a bit of a problem. It's important for mutual communication to become very strong. It can take time to develop that, to get to the point that she feels comfortable divulging her innermost secrets. Even coming to an understanding of them to the point that she can articulate them may take a long time. There's growth here. She's gaining a deeper understanding of herself and exploring it. It's hard to know you two as a couple  with just a few posts. But, at a guess, it sounds like she wants you to help her explore her erotic self. Think of this is sort of a Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs sort of thing (if you've never heard of that, look it up!) She's exploring the self actualization aspects of herself.

 

Part of this can be scary for some people. We're programmed from an early age that monogamy is a must, and cheating is the death of a relationship. Well, having sex with consent isn't cheating. So that becomes a really difficult concept to wrap one's brain around. Rewiring the brain to think of this as something that benefits a relationship can be a slow and quite scary process. Questions can arise like, "Just how much of a slut am I anyway?" "Do I really want to be a slut?" (it's not being a slut) "Will my husband really still love me?" "Why are we doing this? Isn't it enough for us together?" and on and on and on. We're not raised in such a way that we have a tool set to manage this. It can take time to acquire this, and gain enough understanding of oneself and the relationship to get to the point of being able to do it.

 

I'm just looking at web reviews, and Le Boudoir appears to be an upscale lifestyle/sex club. That might be too much all at once for your wife, even if the two of you are just observers. I can't judge that; only the two of you can. I mentioned above about going to a regular (non-lifestyle) club. If you go to such an upscale club, and your wife dresses nicely and in a slightly to moderately provocative way, you can have her go in ahead of you and take up a seat at the bar. You can come in 10 minutes later, and take up a chair at a table or a booth or something, where you can watch your wife. She can feel comfortable knowing you've got her back in the event some guy gets pushy. An advantage to this is your wife doesn't have to do anything except sit there and look pretty. This can be beneficial in a number of ways. First, many women think poorly of their appearance, even if they're quite beautiful. Men coming up to her will show her she is attractive, even if she doesn't think so. Two, the possibility of another man...even just the possibility...can super ignite your sexual appetites for each other. It's important to embrace though that if no one comes up to her it doesn't mean she's not attractive. Just the wrong group of people that night.

 

I mentioned hotwifing above because of something you said; about how your wife would react to you watching another woman. Hotwifing comes in many shapes and forms, but the basic principle is that the wife of a couple has sex with other men, while the husband (generally) doesn't have sex with other women. This sounds very much like what your wife might be comfortable with as you move forward. Maybe down the road she might be willing to involve another couple. Right now, I suspect (based only on what you said) that she wouldn't be too comfortable with you flirting with another woman or softswapping with another woman.

 

There's another term to learn; compersion. Compersion is essentially the opposite of jealousy. A person experiences compersion by actively being aroused/excited/enjoying their partner having sex with other people. For me, I absolutely "have" (like it's a disease? haha) compersion. I think my wife having sex with other people is incredibly erotic, and I love it when she has lots of fun. The more fun she has, the more fun I have. There's been times when she's been having literally toe curling sex with another man while I am there, and hearing  her sounds and watching her motions is just flat out incredible. Is it possible you are wired this way too? You noted about how much it excites you to see how turned on she gets. Imagine how turned on you might be watching another man have sex with your wife and she's thoroughly enjoying it. Is that you? That might be the basis of some conversation with your wife, to encourage her to understand that it's really about her, and not about you wanting to be with other women. Maybe other women might come later, but who knows? That's up to the two of you.

 

I hope that's some things to think about and maybe discuss with your wife. Please feel free to keep asking questions! We're happy to help!

 

Oh and one more thing; you asked about meet and greets. Here's a Reddit thread that might get you started on finding meet and greets in England: https://www.reddit.com/r/UKSwinging/comments/1c65nuc/swinger_meet_and_greet_uk/

 

Edited May 9 by bbarnsworth

[Adventurous5682 1]

Hi , bbarnsworth , thankyou so much for the time you spent on the reply , a lot of what you said makes sense and helpful .

We basically run at near on 99% compatibility, we always have done . Kinda best friends , do everything together , and are stuck like glue paper together, in other words we really get on . My wife is 💯 % hot . I guess I would feel that way anyway . She’s a very attractive size 12uk , and when she gets dressed up even in a bin bag she would probably look Hot .

we probably argue about once or twice a yr , if that . We communicate though and discuss our issues a lot as and when required , obviously over the years we have had less to sort out , not that there was much anyway . I guess we are lucky that way . With reference to her hiding stuff it’s definitely on the lines of how we have been taught . We now set up what we call sex chats , so little stuff like perhaps introducing a sex swing , we can just talk in person , she’s said big stuff perhaps better to talk over text , as she is more confident that way.

but she’s definitely warming up to new stuff , I’ve said to her she’s ok to be daring with me and suggest new stuff , but I suspect she is concerned about asking . Of nothing else it’s making progress , as an additional note , years ago and I mean like over 10, we were talking and I just said about going to a sex Club , she asked why and I just said to show her off as she’s so Hot , she didn’t say No though , just said nothing and the subject changed .

she certainly gets really excited when we watch something together , even if its

just little romance scenes with a bit of passion , when we make love afterwards she very erotic , and so far hasn’t said she so t want to go to a sex club or couple swap , as part of our conversation, although during those chats , when we say doing new stuff there’s very Little left for

us to try , as the stuff we don’t want to do has already been put on the table so far . Knowing her she would probably say or hint at the idea of either 

so I guess how do I suggest the idea of just going and dancing in a sex club , without making it sound blunt and all about me , which it’s not , it’s about her and I like to see this side of her 

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Again, it's hard to know from just a handful of posts. Plus, there's lots of limitations to text based communication. But, it does sound very much like what _you_ would want is for your wife to be a hotwife. You're not as interested in having sex with other women as you are in her having sex with other men. Does that sound right?

 

There's a zillion ways in which you can skirt around the subject of wanting your wife to have sex with other men. Ultimately, there's a bridge to cross. Whether you choose to cross it is up to you. It's the asking/telling her of your fantasies. Am I correct in assuming you fantasize about her having sex with other men?

 

Part of building trust and building communication is being very open with your thoughts. That can be really scary. It's not just about things sexual. It can be about anything really. So much of society teaches men about what NOT to say to a woman, especially a wife, because it will get you into trouble. You never say "Wow, that dress looks awful on you", or "Have you been putting on weight recently?", or "I don't think you brushed your teeth this morning, and it is noticeable". Things like this and many more are just things husbands don't say to their wives because it will end with them being in the doghouse (hope that translates across the pond).

 

With totally open communication, you can say those things. Of course, HOW you say them is important. In the above three examples; "Love, there's lots of dresses that you look fantastic in. Unfortunately, that's just not one of them."  or "Whatever kind of shape you want to be in physically is fine with me. I just want you to be healthy, and I mean it!" or "I'm telling you this because I know you wouldn't want to be embarrassed. You might consider brushing your teeth again before going out."

 

I can tell things to my wife that lots of husbands can't, and vice versa. My wife feels comfortable telling me, "He's a yes!" or "Hey, look at her dress. Doesn't she look great?" Likewise, I can talk about other women with my wife and it doesn't result in problems. It's about being respectful, as well as being supportive.

 

Building this level of communication I would say is critical in having an open relationship. If you can't talk fully about things, then there are potential minefields ahead. I know you say you're 99% compatible (which is I'm sure well above average for successful marriages!). Just understand; swinging (or hotwifing) is like a magnifying glass. It magnifies what if finds. If it finds love, it magnifies it. If it finds a great sexual relationship, it magnifies it. If it finds problems, it magnifies them. If it finds hidden jealousy, it magnifies it. It's indiscriminate about what it finds; it'll magnify it regardless.

 

Even if you never get to the point of your wife having sex with other men, gaining that level of communication is great for the relationship.

 

With open communication, revealing your deepest fantasies, including her having sex with other men, becomes easier as well as showing that you trust her so deeply you're willing to share that with her. And share it is; both of you share things to deepen your relationship. Telling her of her fantasies doesn't mean she has to act on them of course. It's entirely up to her. With that fantasy out there, you can build on the notion; "I know you're not ready to have sex with other men, and may never be. That's fine. This isn't about what I want, it's about what you want. If you like, we can try a bit of an experiment to see how you feel. Let's go to a nice club somewhere, and see what happens. Nothing beyond conversation would ever need to happen. What happens is up to you, and I'll back you up 100%. I want to help you explore your inner self and I think this might be a good way to approach it."

 

 

[Adventurous5682 1]

Hi , thanks .( once again )

to answer a few questions.

yes I would like to see my wife play with another guy and him her , maybe go all the way , if she’s into that . I would

like to have a soft play with a woman and then  and I can have sex together. 
perhaps a soft swap with another couple at some stage would be something I would like to do together. But atm in good to just let her get played with . Your right about the taboos and what’s said , we have worked hard on getting where we are today , and near enough every area we can say things like how we dress and other stuff , it’s not about what’s said but how it’s delivered. You know the story I guess .

anyways I like the suggestion about eventually I’ll have to cross the bridge , she’s not stupid and as I said in a previous post there’s not a lot we do t do other than swingers / threesome and couple swaps , we ruled out anal as

neither of us are into that and that’s was easy to discuss . I think she would be blown away if I just said would you

Like  to have a play with another man or sex , at this time it would freak her out and not only that she was not there yet .

from my wife’s conversations o think she wouldn’t mind going to a swingers club and just us watching a bit and getting turned on at first and see how it goes . We got an evening planned where she will Meet me in a bar and rile play an escort, something she said yea perhaps that will be nice , which means in her language yes.

 

 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,389]

6 hours ago, Adventurous5682 said:

...We got an evening planned where she will Meet me in a bar and rile play an escort, something she said yea perhaps that will be nice , which means in her language yes.

Great fun! Perhaps some of her role play can involve a little flirting with other bar patrons before working her way to you 😛

[FitM4Cpls 0]

Would love to see if we have an interest in meeting

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

Together 34 years and just now discussing your deeply buried 'kinks' ?    

 

So much for transparency. Hmm, she wants to be naughty and is good at hiding stuff, your words, not mine.

 

My guess is somehow you've both lived out a sexual experience or two under each others radar or perception. You're simply ready to try it together, for the first time.

 

I'd encourage watching the movie Eyes Wide Shut. Ultimately the film is about a marriage where he (Tom Cruise) is trying to go to, she (Nicole Kidman) has already been.

 

-Katrina

[couplers 4,640]

7 hours ago, KatrinaandDriverX said:

My guess is somehow you've both lived out a sexual experience or two under each others radar or perception.

Funny you should mention that.  It crosses my mind as a fantasy sometimes when having sex with the others in my poly family that he or she is having an undisclosed "sexual experience" with a man (Clair or Lora) or woman (any of them, we girls are bi).  I doubt it's happening or happened (we're way too open and honest), there is no evidence, but as I reach orgasm, the thought is strong and I really want it to be the case.