New to the scene

[Kopino 0]

Hi there,

Both my wife and I would like to try swinging together. We have been married for 15 yrs and want to spice up our bedroom life. We have both talked about bringing in someone but we haven't figured out how to approach it. We thought about websites but not sure of any good ones. We also want to find a couple who is relatively new as we are just so we can learn together. My wife would love to have another man join us and have expressed her fantasies with me. I think as a first experience, maybe incorporating a couple would help ease us in. Any advice to any of the questions/ comments that I have made? We live in the Sacramento area and would love to meet any new couples wanting to share a first time experience with newbies. All advice is welcomed. Thanks!

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Welcome to the forum!

 

First, you are in the right place. This is a great place to get answers to questions you have, both from directly asking and also reading past threads.

 

Before you get into this, you need to make certain your relationship is on rock solid ground. 100% totally open communication is pivotal. The topic of swinging shouldn't be something you can only discuss in the bedroom. It's not something that just affects your bedroom life. This can have serious, negative impacts on your relationship if you are not ready for it. It's hard to judge if you are ready, but having great communication is essential. There's no deadline here, no rush. Go at a pace you are comfortable with, and if one of you wants to go slower than the other, then go at the pace of the slower of the two of you.

 

Finding a couple or a single male is a lot like dating. There's going to be some duds, some flakes, some people you don't quite mesh with. Even though you're just in it for sex (though you might want more than that; not judging), getting the right vibe is sometimes tricky.

 

Finding a relatively new couple isn't a bad idea, but having a more experienced couple has its pluses too. They would have the experience to help answer your questions, put you at ease, make it all seem comfortable and natural. A new couple will have everyone being nervous. That's not top say a new couple isn't workable; there are pluses and minuses either direction you go.

 

As for how to meet couples? There are swinger clubs in California. There's also meet-and-greets where you go to a party that's all swingers, but there's no active playing on site. Sometimes that's combined with a hotel takeover, where the bar is just a standard bar scene, but people are connecting to move things upstairs. That's not necessarily a high pressure environment. In fact, any environment in which you feel pressured isn't the right environment. A meet-and-greet has the advantage of being able to meet real swingers without having expectations of play. You'll find that the average swinger is pretty much like the average person you see in a grocery store.

 

There are of course websites. A common one is swinglifestyle.com. There are others. Kasidie,com is one as well. It's a matter of what works in your area. Pro tip; pay for an account. Anyone who isn't paying for an account is likely just a tourist. So, if you don't have a paid account other couples might not take you seriously. We have tended towards moving to meet up fairly early with couples as this helps to weed out the people who really aren't all that interested in moving forward. Another tip; my wife and I have a silent signal we use to find out if both of us are ok with playing with a single guy or couple. So, we meet up with a prospective, have drinks or dinner. After some time, one of us would gently squeeze the thigh of the other. This says, "I'm game to play if you are". If the other responds with a single squeeze back, the answer is yes. More than one squeeze, no.

 

As for single guys; understand that there is WAY more supply of single guys than there is demand. There are a number of creeps out there. There's ways to filter them out. In your profile on whatever website(s) you choose, include an innocuous line somewhere in your profile, maybe 2/3rds of the way into it. Have it say something like "If you've read this far, let us know in your contact email by telling us your favorite color" (or something equally innocuous). If you receive a contact email from a single male that doesn't include the answer to your question, then you're likely just getting a copy/paste email from a single guy who is throwing spaghetti against the wall hoping something sticks. Block them and move on. They're not worth your time. Look for telltale signs of cheating; only available certain times of the week/day for example. If you get together with a single male, look for telltale signs of a missing wedding ring. My ring finger clearly shows a missing ring if I take it off. We've run into that before, and it's a dead giveaway.

 

It's easy to find a single guy in the lifestyle. Finding a good single guy is a bit harder. But, be discerning in evaluating single men. Don't settle. If your wife doesn't quite click with him, move on. If there's something that sets you off about the guy, move on. A single guy should understand his role. You're not an idiot because you're allowing your wife to have sex with someone else. He should be respectful to your wife AND you. If he shows up looking like hell, with beat up clothes and looking unkempt, don't waste your time. He should be a gentleman to your wife in all respects until things move on to flirting a bit, or dancing (gets Roman hands), etc.

 

Your wife has expressed her fantasies about being in a threesome with you and another guy. Where do you stand? Is this a fantasy of yours too? Where are you on the "Am I ready for this?" spectrum?

 

Please feel free to ask whatever questions you like. We're a helpful bunch, and will be happy to answer. We're also not "yes" people. We WILL tell you if you're being foolish or making a bad decision, etc.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

We started out 26 years ago - before most of the LS websites.  Back then if you wanted to dip a toe in you would visit a swing club, and that's what we did.  We were looking for a more experienced couple to guide us at that time, and there were plenty to choose from there.

 

If you go the club route, don't be worried that experienced couples will be pushy and want to go too far too fast.  Swingers are very sensitive and understanding in that regard!

 

Another good option is an adults/couple clothing optional resort.  It's amazing the effect that warm weather, sweet music, cold drinks and naked people will have on your inhibitions!

[AdamGunn2 392]

As far as websites go, the big three are Swinglifestyle.com, Kasidie.com, and SDC.com. 

 

The traditional way to go is to check out the website(s) by creating a free profile, searching around your geographic location, then becoming a paid member on the one you choose.  Becoming paid is very important - it usually signals to other members that you're serious, and it gives you access to features such as messaging.  Plus, it's not that expensive - a one-year membership on SLS is about what you'd expect to spend for a nice night out. Put a lot of thought into the words and pictures you upload to your profile, it's the way of putting your best foot forward and making a great first impression. 

 

Unless you block them, you will immediately be invaded by dozens of messages from single males - if you're into that, be very selective. If not, ignore them or block them. It may take a while to find the partners of your dreams, but in my opinion it's worth the work. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

We live right up the road in the Auburn area! To save you some time, SLS (Swing Lifestyle) seems to be the better choice for the Sacramento area. As already stated, you can set up a free account to verify that there is enough people in your area, but once you find a good site, join. Lots of members won't even respond to free accounts since there are too many fakers/flakes/pretenders/men wanting to get a thrill thinking that they could be swingers...if it wasn't for their wives saying NO. As for clubs, the closest is Pokher Knights in Reno...we've never been so we can't give you much more info. We have been to Laguna Del Sol (clothing optional resort) and have heard that they have a pretty active swinger group on Saturday nights, but while we have been there, we've only stayed after dinner once...we are not part of the party crowd and are not looking for the one-and-done type of meetings.

 

PM use if you have more questions or would like to talk more...we're probably too old for you (60's) but are always happy to help introduce others into the L/S.