Ask Amy: Widower finds new love with a married neighbor

[AdamGunn2 373]

Ask Amy: Widower finds new love with a married neighbor

 

Dear Amy: After my spouse of over 40 years died last year, I have moved forward in my life in a positive manner.

 

I am having a relationship with a married woman (“Brenda”). As a widower, I have found this to be very helpful. Brenda’s adult son and daughter have supported her in allowing this relationship to continue and grow. Brenda’s husband is clueless to everything going on. Brenda and I enjoy our time together and we have very long phone calls, and we have a very exciting sexual relationship.

 

Her house is across the street, and she has her own bedroom separate from her husband. He is distant, withdrawn, and very unsociable. Brenda doesn’t want to leave her house and move in with me because her daughter and granddaughter are also living in the home with her.

 

At what point should Brenda’s husband be clued into this development, and what approach should we take to “clear the air” at some point?

 

— Archie

 

Archie: I appreciate the fact that you believe you are moving onward “in a positive manner” after your loss, but I would ask you to reconsider the meaning of the word “positive,” and at least acknowledge the possible negative consequences your and “Brenda’s” behavior might have on others.

 

You don't offer any real clues about Brenda's husband's status, and I wonder if you and Brenda could consider what course of action will be the least destabilizing for him. He might be withdrawn and unsociable, but he is the innocent party here, and his life might be turned upside down if he and Brenda split.

 

Using the modern vernacular, Brenda might propose that they “open up” their marriage. This is often suggested by a spouse who is already having an affair, but wants to stay married. Might he also want to step out, or would he prefer to maintain a “don't ask, don't tell” sort of arrangement, where he and his wife basically live separate lives under the same roof?

 

A divorce might take an extreme toll financially, affecting the entire household, but he should be presented with the truth, because he has the right to make some informed choices about his own life. The coziest course might be for Brenda to move across the street to cohabit with you, allowing her husband to stay in his home, but so far she doesn’t seem to want to make any substantial changes in order to be with you.

[lcmim 1,078]

That is an interesting one all right. 

I would want to know a lot more about the husband.

 

The reason, or cause, of his apparently having already checked out is a huge factor.

[Numex 2,371]

I don't know who Amy is or why the writer is asking for her opinion, but at least her response considers "lifestyle" options. 

[AdamGunn2 373]

"Ask Amy" is an nationally syndicated advice column by Amy Dickinson of the Chicago Tribune. I got this from the Washington Post.

Edited June 2 by AdamGunn2

[couplers 4,568]

11 hours ago, Numex said:

at least her response considers "lifestyle" options. 

Hopefully, a day will come when having a spouse does not demand nor expect monogamy. The story of King Arthur and Lancelot sharing Guinevere is a Disney movie.

 

 

Edited June 2 by couplers

[AdamGunn2 373]

3 hours ago, couplers said:

The story of King Arthur and Lancelot sharing Guinevere is a Disney movie.

Ah, but go watch 'Excalibur' (1981) if you can find it - your library might have a copy.  It's the clear, unvarnished story of the adultery of Guinevere. Since the story was created sometime in the late Middle Ages, and the film stays fairly consistent with that, it doesn't turn out as happily ever after.

[Skhan 55]

Sounds like the couple next door are more "Room mates with no benefits."  That marriage died a long time ago, but the wife never called a priest to give the last rites.

Even if the husband knew, I doubt if he would care.  As long as both the partners are meeting their sexless obligations to each other, then I say go for it.

If we are sick, we go to a doctor.  If you need sex, but your partner won't fulfill that part of the agreement, then go next door to the "love doctor."

 

To the unknowing husband, I say, "You snooze, you lose."

Edited June 30 by Skhan
correction

[Numex 2,371]

12 minutes ago, Skhan said:

Even if the husband knew, I doubt if he would care.

Even in that situation, some people, men and women, can be extremely controlling. You never know. Beware.

[AdamGunn2 373]

42 minutes ago, Skhan said:

Even if the husband knew, I doubt if he would care.

But if the husband doesn't know, if he finds out there could be hell to pay. And they're neighbors! Might not be the most comfortable of situations.