Wife vocal about mfm, then cold feet

[Newtxcpl23 8]

Hello all,

 

I have read hundreds of posts here and feel like there is a common theme of husbands trying to get consensus about what their wives are thinking and this will be no different. 

 

My wife has expressed an interest to have 2 men at the same time more times than I can count. We have been together for over 20 years and married for about 14. She wants to try dvp, spit roast, sucking 2 at once, and more. She is wild in bed and we often play with realistic dildos to simulate. If I talk about it, she gets instantly excited. 

 

We had a weekend trip away in December and I brought it up during the ride. she got ultra wet and was super horny talking about it. We had crazy sex and she talked about it during it. she expresses odd concerns like "what if he is too hairy, isn't clean, or has long nails". 

 

It feels like she is making fairly trivial excuses and that she is already mentally ready to go. If there is one holdup it is probably a fear that I would go through with it and then want her to have women join - we did that once 20yrs ago and it went horribly and I wouldn't entertain it again to be honest. 

 

We had a nice night out recently and she was all horny on the ride home and we looked up a sex club with the intention to have sex in front of others. When we pulled up to the parking g lot, she decided it was a bad idea. not sure what is going on.

 

How would you proceed?

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

First of all, talk about this when you are NOT in a sexual situation. See if it is just a fantasy or something that she is really willing to try. Let her KNOW that you don't have a problem with her being with another man (as long as you are there and involved), and you are actually very interested in seeing this as well. She needs to know that wanting this is okay with you, but also okay if she wants it to just remain a fantasy as well.

 

If she is still interested in making this happen, then sign up for a swingers site (see: Please visit our sponsors at the top of every page). They will all generally let you set up a free profile so you can take a look around. Different sites will have more people in your area than others, so once you find one that is well represented close by, JOIN IT. Most people don't take the free members seriously since too often they are men wishing that actually were in a situation where they could really be doing this with their partner. It's usually only a couple of $$...less than you would spend going out for dinner, and WELL WORTH the small investment. Finding single men looking for a MFM on any of these sites is like finding a cheeseburger at McD's...there will be HUNDREDS of men looking for a couple wanting a MFM.

 

Then, while you can look together, she can also look and try and find the 'perfect guy' for her (remember: HUNDREDS if not thousands of men are there). I would recommend that you make sure that they are not married, or, if they are, their partner is okay with what they are doing. You don't want to get caught up in someone else's drama. Find the 'perfect guy', meet him, and see where it goes. We usually suggest meeting for dinner or drinks with the understanding that it is just a first meeting and that NOTHING else is going to happen the first meet. That way she doesn't feel any pressure, you can both continue to discuss this afterwards, and she can be sure that he is the right guy to go forward with (or not).

 

Keep letting her know that if, at any time, she doesn't want to move forward, that you are also okay with that. She should NEVER feel like she has to do anything she is uncomfortable with. He should know what she is willing to do and not willing to do before anything happens, and, if he is a true gentleman, he will always ask before he does anything.

 

At this point (if you make it this far), you two are on your own. Good luck and let us know how things may progress...

[Newtxcpl23 8]

Thanks for the well thought out response. We have discussed while not in the moment and she quickly gets turned on. It's the type of situation where I think if it presented itself, she would jump all over it, but the planning part is what makes her hesitate. I'll update as things evolve. 

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

What GoldCoCouple said * 1000.

 

It's true; single men in the lifestyle are like leaves on trees. They're everywhere and anywhere. Supply FAR outstrips demand. So, your wife can be quite picky if she wants to and likely still get what she wants. If you make a profile on a swinger site (follow GoldCoCouple's advice about getting on one; find the right one and JOIN), and indicate you are looking for single males, you will likely be bombarded with contacts from single males, especially if you live within ~50 miles of a major metro area. Some filtering can be done. A piece of advice I've given out often; when you make your profile, make it at least somewhat long. Within it, bury an otherwise innocuous statement like "If you contact us, tell us what your favorite color is". Why do this? Because if you receive a contact from a single male and it doesn't answer the question, it's obvious they didn't read your profile. There are single males out there who just spam the same contact email to every couple they can find who is open to single males. I'm guessing you don't want a guy like that. So, this provides an easy pre-filter for single guys who contact you.

 

Too hairy is certainly a valid concern. If I could offer a counterpoint though; one of the best lovers my wife has ever had in the lifestyle was a guy who was very hirsute. She just couldn't get enough sex with him, and absolutely loved having sex with him.

 

Some other input; there are a number of different ways to dip your toes in the pool without actually jumping in. The idea of going to a sex club is one, but it can feel more intense than other ways of dipping your toes. You can go to a regular nightclub that seems to have your demographic, and let you wife dance with other men. You can sit in the shadows, and be there for her and watch. Nothing has to happen on her part, except have some fun dancing. Not into dancing? Have her sit at the bar while wearing a nice dress and heels, while you sit off in the corner. If it's a busy club, there's a pretty good chance one or more guys will talk her up. She doesn't have to do anything except enjoy her  drink and have some conversation. Another way; go shopping together, and have her pick out guys she thinks are attractive. She doesn't even have to interact with them, just point out ones to you that she thinks are attractive. My wife and I have done this a number of times; she'll say "mmmmmmhe's a yes!" Another way; go to a swinger meet-and-greet. Most major metro areas have at least one group that puts on meet and greets for swinger couples. They're usually not sex-on-premise sorts of get togethers. You're just there to meet like minded people. It's usually almost all couples, but even so it's a way to meet people who actually have engaged in non-monogamy. It can be eye opening to realize swingers are just your average person you see in a grocery store. There's no pressure at such meet and greets. Another way; go to a clothing optional beach. That might seem a big step, but once you're on the beach and everyone else is naked, you'll feel awkward wearing a swimsuit...and off it goes. People (usually) aren't having sex on such beaches, so there's no pressure. Just the idea of other men looking at her may be quite erotic for her, without having to do anything. You can amp this up a bit, by wandering off and leaving her seemingly by herself for a while, but maybe within eye sight. . This is sort of like being at the bar of a club, except it's with her clothes off. There's a fair chance a guy might come round and talk with her. Since there's no pressure to have sex, it can be tantalizing to be laying there naked talking with a guy she just met.

 

The situation you seem to desire is having her be a hotwife. Not cuckoldry, but her getting to have sex with whomever she'd like. That doesn't mean she would have sex with lots and lots of men, or it could mean that! It's up to her, and that's part of being a hotwife. There are lots of guys who thoroughly enjoy their wives having sex with other men, and are quite content to not extend that to inviting couples or single women into the mix. My wife and I have been with multiple couples, but our play has involved single men a lot more. I really, really enjoy her having sex with other men, whether I'm there or not. It sounds like you are similar, or at least will be once she does! There's a forum for hotwifing couples at ourhotwives.org. You might find that interesting. Don't get me wrong; this forum will love to have you here, and we'll be happy to keep answering questions. I'm just adding on that other forum as another input point for you.

 

In support of all of this; communication is paramount. GoldCoCouple is right about discussing this outside of the bedroom, and it seems you are already doing that. This is really great! Let her know you support her 100%, love her completely, always will, and that you want her to fulfill her fantasies, whatever they may be!

 

And yes, please do let us know how things progress!

Edited June 19 by bbarnsworth

[Newtxcpl23 8]

My #1 thing is to make her go wild. From what I have gathered, it's definitely 2 guys at the same time. I don't really have any interest in watching and certainly don't like the idea of her going out on her own. It would be a couples thing to bring the current bedroom stuff from me + dildo to me + real thing. 

 

I'll bring it up again, but in a more supportive manner using the advice provided.  

 

Thanks again

 

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

When my wife first got into swinging, she absolutely wanted me involved in MFMs. Insisted on it, even. So, we did. As time went on, that requirement loosened, and I found I really enjoyed watching her have sex, and she enjoyed me watching her. We eventually progressed to solo dates. She would come home and while we made love she would tell me all about the evening. Further on, she had full on boyfriends (in series, not parallel :) ) and had a couple of overnight weekends with one of them.

 

The point? Things can change (and likely will) over time. If your wife decides to cross this bridge, she may very much want a full on MFM for a while, then maybe want to change things up. Assuming you're all ok with everything, support her as she moves through this. If there's something you don't like though, make sure she's aware of it, and the communication lines are wide open.

[PeterJ 960]

"It feels like she is making fairly trivial excuses and that she is already mentally ready to go. If there is one holdup it is probably a fear that I would gothrough with it and then want her to have women join - we did that once 20yrs ago and it went horribly and I wouldn't entertain it again to be honest."

 

There’s been lots of thoughtful and excellent advice offered in this thread. I don’t disagree with any of it, but I want to add another possibility that I suggest the OP May wish to keep in mind. There are plenty of people — women, but also men — who enhance their erotic lives through fantasy but would never dream of acting out those fantasies.
 

Anything I fantasize about I’ve probably already done and often do regularly. But I don’t have nearly as rich a fantasy life as some of my partners who’ve shared theirs with me. One decades-long sometimes lover fantasized frequently during sex about having DP an MFM threesome. During her medical residency she’d been the center of a MFF scene with a married couple who were close friends. Though it was at the couple’s instigation and was never repeated, that she’d acquiesced and found the experience okay led me to believe she did want to enact IRL her persistent MFM fantasy. So, I approached a close male friend and he was up for it. When I told my lady friend she made clear to me in no uncertain terms that while fantasy enhanced her IRL erotic experiences with me, she had no interest in acting them out. I’d already known her for decades and am confident she was not being coy. She meant it. 
 

Newtxcple23, it’s my suggestion you follow GoldCoCouple’s advice to have a candid conversation with your wife in a time and place that is not erotically charged. Let her know that while you would be happy to make that fantasy of hers happen IRL, that you will also be fine if she doesn’t wish to knock down the wall between her fantasy and physical worlds. And assuming it’s true for you, that you would be okay with that decision. But also that if she later changes her mind and does want to act on her fantasies, she should let you know.

 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

When we started out we just sort of played around the edges of that fantasy for a long time.  I wanted it. She wanted it. But I get that women tend to approach this stuff cautiosly so i would only mention it playfully from time to time.

 

We started going to nude beaches and after a while opportunity struck while on a nude beach in Fla.  and our first LS experience was a 3sum with a guy we befriended there.

[AdamGunn2 418]

Like everyone else is saying, it takes time. We discussed the topic in many fashions (fantasy, role-play, etc.) for three years before she let us pull the plug. And then it went wild!

 

It's hard, but lots of patience. 

[Newtxcpl23 8]

1 hour ago, AdamGunn2 said:

Like everyone else is saying, it takes time. We discussed the topic in many fashions (fantasy, role-play, etc.) for three years before she let us pull the plug. And then it went wild!

 

It's hard, but lots of patience. 

It's funny - one would think that if a spouse was open to fulfilling the other spouse's #1 fantasy that it should be a layup to get on the same page. She has talked about it off and on for at least 10 years and tells me about her fantasies. She's not shy and definitely knows what turns her on. We are going out tonight - we'll see how it goes if/when it comes up.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[AdamGunn2 418]

9 hours ago, Newtxcpl23 said:

It's funny - one would think that if a spouse was open to fulfilling the other spouse's #1 fantasy . . .

I think we may have isolated the problem here. You seem to be hoping that she'll 'fulfill' your fantasy by having sex with another man.  I wonder if it's her fantasy too, or if she's just role playing in the bedroom to excite you.  In this light, you may wish to go back and reread the advice given above.  Gold has particularly good ideas, I think.

Edited June 23 by AdamGunn2

[PeterJ 960]

1 hour ago, AdamGunn2 said:

I think we may have isolated the problem here. You seem to be hoping that she'll 'fulfill' your fantasy by having sex with another man.  I wonder if it's her fantasy too, or if she's just role playing in the bedroom to excite you.  In this light, you may wish to go back and reread the advice given above.  Gold has particularly good ideas, I think.

Bingo!

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Update?

[Newtxcpl23 8]

Just to clarify, this isn't me trying to get her into my fantasy. I think if we were dating, she'd be all over it, but things get messier/riskier if you have a marriage, kids, house, etc. I'm not on the prowl for this, but would be supportive because I like it when she let's totally loose and I know she would go crazy. 

 

Anyways, we went out Saturday night and she brought it up while we walking into the restaurant to eat. We had some light discussion about it, but coulsnt really dive in. We followed up dinner with a trip to an adult toy store. While rekindling the conversation, we got a call from friends to meet up and kinda pumped the brakes on it. to be continued.

Edited June 24 by Newtxcpl23

[Newtxcpl23 8]

Well.. heres a long overdue update. Last weekend we had an intense session that involved dvp with a realistic dildo that is about the same size as me (8x6) and her giving me head while using the dildo. Lots of orgasms and squirting. The following night we went out to dinner and I asked about it on the ride there and if it was something she'd like to do for real. She told me that she doesn't think another guy could be as good as me in bed and that she would be grossed out by someone else sweating on her. She said it is her biggest fantasy, but wants to keep it that way. So that is probably the end of it from my end. 

 

Thanks for all the suggestions, but I guess this is the end of the road. 

[couplers 4,717]

11 hours ago, Newtxcpl23 said:

she would be grossed out by someone else sweating on her.

There's always doggy or cowgirl. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

Quote

She said it is her biggest fantasy, but wants to keep it that way. So that is probably the end of it from my end. 

The key word here is "probably". Now that the topic has been brought up, sometimes it just needs to marinade for awhile until she warms up to the idea. Keep the door cracked and you never know. At this point, the "worst" thing that can happen is she sticks to keeping it a fantasy. Good luck and thanks for the update.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

I agree with GoldCoCouple. You never know... give it time, and it might be a fantasy she thinks could become true. For my wife, from the time we met and she found out about my prior dabblings in the lifestyle to when she decided (without me saying PEEP..at all!) she wanted to take a step through the door, it was 9 years. So, who knows? Have faith

[enhancer 1,586]

Your wife is satisfied with you as her only lover!  This is not a terrible thing and something you should appreciate.  Maybe in the future she will change her mind, but for now enjoy the fact that you have a woman in your life that is dedicated to you and enjoys having a fun sex life with you.  Better than being with someone who is never satisfied.  

We have resorted back to being only with each other for now after years of experimenting in the lifestyle.  Our sex life has never been better. If someone comes up in the future that really peaks both of our interest maybe that will change, but for now we have not been actively looking.

 

 One thing that we both agreed on is that when we were with other people we were always wanting  each other instead.  Appreciate the good things you have in your life instead of always longing for what you don’t.  The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.  

[Amanda69x 0]

xxx

[njbm 2,901]

Do not want to depress the OP, but we talked about the lifestyle for more than ten years before we sprung into action. 

[couplers 4,717]

On 7/17/2024 at 5:11 PM, bbarnsworth said:

For my wife, from the time we met and she found out about my prior dabblings in the lifestyle to when she decided she wanted to take a step through the door, it was 9 years.

 

On 7/19/2024 at 5:05 PM, njbm said:

we talked about the lifestyle for more than ten years before we sprung into action. 

Wow, this demonstrates the power that social pressure and religion have over us and convinces me more than ever that the best way to begin a relationship, continuing into marriage, is non-monogamously.  Humans are not one-partner beings.  Pretending otherwise is foolish.