When will I know I'm ready?

[Wolmeg 0]

Hello everyone, I am new here! 43M from Canada.

I am about 5 1/2 months into my current relationship with my female partner who is 41.

 

We started discussing swinging probably within the first month of dating.

 

Both of us have an extensive past of dating, partners and sex. 

 

For the most part my sexual experiences have been plentiful, however they have been very monogamous in nature. I have never been in an open relationship, nor have I had a threesome. 

 

My female partner has experience with relationships as well. She has had a threesome. 

 

She does not have a past of bad breakups or cheating.

 

I do have a past in which I was cheated on as well I experienced a significant betrayal.

 

I am very self-aware and I have invested heavily in therapy to better my life and strengthen who I am.

 

I am very sexual and I know that I am 100% interested in experiencing other partners. 

 

However I still feel lingering wounds from my past and due to my past experiences, self-esteem issues, as well as fear of abandonment, cheating & betrayal still linger.

 

I am very self-aware of these wounds and consciously I know they are not linked or attributed to my current partner in anyway. 

 

I have been reading multiple forms mostly Reddit in regards to peoples first experiences, jealousy, and working through the dynamics of seeing their partner with someone else.

 

I am very interested in pursuing swinging despite the above. I'm not planning on starting today or tomorrow, however I'm trying to work through the dynamics of my fears as well separate the idea of sex and cheating because clearly they are two different things. 

 

I recently suggested that we book a sensual massage for my partner as an icebreaker or a test for both of us. 

I feel that this would be a very good experience that is non-threatening as the person providing the massage would clearly be involved only to give a massage which would be planned ahead of time. 

She is very interested in testing the waters with having a female pleasure her and I am very interested in the same. 

 

I know a lot of people will probably tell me to pull back on the rains considering my previous wounds and state that I need to be 100% certain before I proceeded. I understand this clearly and I don't want to rush into anything before I'm confident I am ready!

 

My partner and I have decided that we want to make sure our relationship is very solid before proceeding with anything. 

 

That being said would anyone have any suggestions in regards to breaking the ice gently involving other people? Does the massage sound like a good idea or does anyone have any other suggestions? 

 

I have thought about having a male masseuse provide her a massage as well. 

I have also thought about me getting a massage and having her watch.

 

Right now my interest is more towards my partner being involved first because I feel that will be a test and a testament to my fears and weaknesses and if I can work through them. I am quite certain at this point the massage would not be threatening in anyway .

 

And to clarify, I am not worried about my partner cheating. cheating and betrayal, can cause trauma which it did for me and I am going through the appropriate therapy to target these issues.

 

I understand that swinging is not for everyone and it's quite possible that I may not be able to do this. This is a discussion that I've had with my partner on several occasions and we're both aware. She has also stated that she is not fully certain that she can do it or would be totally open to seeing me with someone else, however we're both very interested and excited about the possibility of swinging with other people.

 

I would greatly appreciate anyone's feedback and suggestions ,

 

Thank you so much 

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I'm sure that long time members of the board are probably getting tired of hearing me say it, but here we go again...

 

Love, trust, and communication...can't have too much of any of the three. Work on establishing as much of all three as possible, and you might just find out that your past won't hold you back as much as you think it will. The biggest issue is jealousy, but the enemy of jealous is love, trust and communication. Growing up, I was a very (insecure) jealous person. However, the open communication with Ms. Gold built a solid foundation of trust, which caused me to just love her more. Jealousy has never been a problem for either of us, because we KNOW that we are not looking for a replacement partner. I know that I'm so very lucky to have her (and she foolishly thinks that she's the lucky one to have me).

 

The bottom line, however, is you are the only one who will know when (or if) you will ever be ready. While it is possible to dip your toes slowly into the swinging pool (be it same room sex, flirting with another couple, etc), if you aren't both ready, even that can start the beginning of fracturing a relationship. Talk with your partner, and be aware that neither of you need to rush anything...you (hopefully) will have the rest of your lives to experience this. Don't feel that you need to rush or jump into the deep end of the pool, and know that you can walk away at any time (one of our few rules...that if the other wants to stop, we are both stopping, without any explanation necessary or expected). If you stick with building the love, trust and communication, you should be okay (just make sure that you are HEARING what your partner is saying and not just hearing what you want to hear.

 

Hope that helps some...I'm sure that more suggestions will be following soon.

[KatrinaandDriverX 121]

Okay, yoou're thinking wayyyyyyyy too much.  Just go and try Swinging, No matter what, no crime, no foul. Instead you're allowing it to define so many aspects of your life, past, present and future. I'm sincere here, if I read your post first, no way would I fuck you. You're expecting wayyyyy too much from the experience. just go meet some nice people and fuck. Sheesh.    I'm probably just having a day here. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

Remember that nothing that happens while swinging constitutes cheating.  You and your partner arrive together as a couple and leave together as a couple, and everything that happens in between is part of the adventure you both signed up for together.

 

Discuss "the rules" amongst yourselves first, then discuss them again with your play partners before the action begins.  Don't be too much of a stickler for the rules - it's normal for boundaries to be gently pushed but watch each other for signs of distress.

 

Most - probably 95% - of swingers are the most patient, polite and understanding ppl you will ever meet.  Like so many other "scary" things in life, once you're engaged in doing it you'll wonder what you were so scared about.

[lcmim 1,086]

I think his question is not is it cheating, but when can he trust himself not to feel it is.

 

Solid honest introspection. Do not rush.

 

A solid, bullet proof, relationship .  You should know in your gut that she will never intentionally do you wrong.

Forgiveness if something should pop up, and in some fashion it will. This will most likely all be in your head.

 

To quote from above "Love, trust, and communication...can't have too much of any of the three."

[Skhan 56]

I would like to hear comments from your spouse on this forum about swinging. If she is really into it, then she should be reaching out to other swingers for advice and support.  From your comments, you seem really fragile right now.  Swinging has to be an "all in" thing or nothing from both  if their marriage will survive.

 

Edited August 20 by Skhan
correction