My name is Leah

[PSULioness 839]

Hello

My name is Leah, also known as PSULioness an alumna of Pennsylvania State University where I belonged to a sorority I will not name. A little over 8 years ago I attended a football game with friends I knew from school that ended up a snowy day and a day that changed my life. 

I know some here think I was bullied and quit posting because of an individual saying nasty things to me which I only wish was the reason. I will now try to clear up any thoughts or questions on what happened in my life. If you are uninterested please skip my what may be lengthy history. 
 

First I want to thank a few friends who supported me through some trying times the last few years. I never thought I would seek guidance from older than me strangers who I found to be wiser. 
 

To continue, on that snowy day, a friend and guy friend convinced me to stay with them instead of driving in the snow. The 3 of us shared a bed in a local hotel which I agreed to innocently. At the time I was living with my future husband and was monogamous. You don’t need to be a scholar to figure what happened that night. To this day I don’t know how things went from innocent to much more. My girlfriend who was in the middle put her arm around me while I was sleeping then went further. How or why I didn’t stop her I can’t say. I never had any sexual desire for any girl in my life. I’ve told this story so many times I wonder how much is memory or how much is how I remember it. That night I became non-monogamous and had my first of many bi-sexual encounters. I’m not sure what bothered me more, the girlfriend or having sex with a guy I didn’t know. It was around that time I found out some of my sorority sisters were bi. 
That’s all background to me getting married, my husband getting to enjoy my friend’s openly sexual parties, me sharing my friends with him and me coming close with my husband’s best friend. Details aren’t important but his friend became my best friend when my husband traveled for business. My husband encouraged me, I didn’t do anything that he didn’t approve. My narrative turns now. At that point we decided to start a family and I became pregnant, something we were very happy about. That is when darkness set in, I had a feeling that his friend was the father. Stupidly I continued to be with our friend after stopping birth control. Call it bad timing, it had to be our friend. That is when my lies started, I had the pregnancy terminated, telling everyone I had a miscarriage. Dark days led to fights and a divorce. Darker days were ahead. I met a man who took me in. Older than me, he was a swinger and used me as an entree to parties. 
Things got worse after we moved to New England. He started to have friends come over just for sex. I swear he was a pimp, the men were nasty. I should have run away but had nowhere to go, I couldn’t admit what I was doing to my parents in NY. The sex also took a turn, he started being into sadism, spanking. The men he invited wanted to spank a young girl. He made me dress in school girl clothes for the men. I just couldn’t do it anymore and called a friend who saved me and moved me back to NJ. 
That is the reason I stopped posting, not because of nasty comments, I only wish that was the cause. 
 

I’m doing better now, moving on with my life with the help of good caring friends. Thank you to the friends I made here who check up on me and my well being. 
 

As my Dad would say “Peace”☮️

[njbm 2,868]

So sorry to hear of the sad events that occurred in your life. Glad things have turned around for you. Open sexuality can be light and fun, but in the wrong hands it can be destructive. I always enjoyed your posts and I am happy to hear that you have moved past bad situations and I wish you future happiness and fulfillment.  

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

Leah,

I'm glad you're back and glad you're doing better  despite a fair amount of tragedy in your life.

 

I'm sure your caring friends would agree when I say please don't beat yourself up over what transpired.  Honestly, it sounds to me like the men who should have supported and respected you didn't.

 

Having been in the LS 26 years, my wife and I are aware of some of its pitfalls.  Regarding the pregnancy risk, we have had close calls.  As the husband I have always accepted full responsibility in the event something went wrong.  Had it been an accidental pregnancy I made it clear from the outset I would support my wife through whatever outcome she chose - including the prospect of raising the child as our own.

 

It sounds like your confusion and lying was the result of being afraid and feeling unsupported by your husband.  It shouldn't have been a burden you felt like you had to carry alone.

 

Forgive my conjecture, but I feel like the destructive relationship with the older swinger gentleman may have been the result of undeserved guilt and self-loathing resulting from the messy divorce etc you suffered through.

 

None of this should be your burden to bear alone.  The men in your life didn't support you.  I feel like if your husband could have been more supportive your story would be very different.  I'm sure he enjoyed the threesomes he shared with you, but when the very real repercussions came home to roost he let you down.

 

Welcome back!  As you know, we in the LS are supportive and non-judgemental.  I am happy to have you back among us!

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Leah, I'm glad you're back! It's horrendous what has happened. We stand with you!!

[lov2party 20]

for all you've been through, your inner strength and resilience shine, and it is always harder than imagined, we admire you. Thankful for good friends, they are a true blessing, unfortunately they are hard to come by.  Wishing you the best forward, you deserve it!

[couplers 4,615]

I admired you and your approach to life and the lifestyle while it was going well, and now I admire your resilience when things became difficult.  And I appreciate you sharing with us here.

 

 

[AdamGunn2 393]

Leah, it's so good to have you back. I remember you fondly.

 

I'm so sorry about all the trying times you've gone through, I so hope the rest of your life is happy and fulfilling.

[BiloxiBiMaleMMF 63]

Yikes.....THIS IS NOT what most of us think this lifestyle ought to be.  Your older friend who used you reminds of the very terrible things that happened to Linda Lovelace after her famous porn video ("Deep Throat").  Her BF (or husband?) literally "pimped her out" pretending it was a swinging date.

 

THIS IS SUPPOSE TO BE FUN!  It is suppose to be consensual and the ultimate gesture of unselfish sharing. 

 

It is encouraging to see the supportive comments of so many "regulars" and I hope YOUR spirits are lifted up bi their kindness and sympathy.

 

I hope you can "shake of the chaff" and find those precious pure seeds of WHEAT in your future.  FOCUS on THE MEMORY of how YOU FELT when you first started (the FUN parts, not the uncomfortable parts)!  Think about and FOCUS on the strangely ATTRACTIVE parts you shared with such tenderness and SEEK THAT.....if and when YOU so desire.

 

The LONGER I get to LIVE, the MORE I APPRECIATE "consensual desire!"  I grew TIRED of "begging for sex" and started "dating" a married couple to avoid a "Fatal Attraction."  I was VERY FORTUNATE.....and as I have matured, my "focus" has narrowed.  Nowadays, "porn" is plentiful and SPECIFIC.  The "BDSM" stuff does NOT TURN ME ON!  Further, IMHO, any MAN or WOMAN who "likes it" is flying a very large "RED FLAG" of selfish desire.  "Fifty Shades of Grey" WAS WRITTEN bi a woman.  However, the mathematical implications of how close one is to "black or white" (hard stuff....soft stuff) is a slippery slope.

 

UNLESS, ALL of YOU WOMEN develop and exercise "limit tests!"  Bi that I mean, set up a situation where the man thinks he is gonna FUCK YOU CRAZY...butt THEN say "how about we just hug in the nude and you go down on me for a hour and I'll go down on you for a hour."  THE ONLY "proper response is, "OK!" (spoken with a smile).

 

As a self identified smooth bisexual nudist, you'd be surprised how many MEN I end up "blocking" on a website I have been a "life member" of since 2005!  I do give them feedback, "too pushy, bye bye (instead of bi bi)"

 

"NO" means NO....."wait" means STOP.

[TricianMike 772]

I learned like you Lioness that things can change drastically in moments in life. I had friends who were healthy have heart attacks and die. The word LIFE is in lifestyle nothing is guaranteed. I am learning to be a survivor, you need to go on and be a survivor too. I don’t know how we went from fun to disaster, it came on quick. I question how I let it happen but won’t blame myself as you shouldn’t take the blame. Step 1 is accepting Step 2 move on. Step 3 don’t repeat. You are young, younger from most on here, young enough to make a new life. You also are smart enough now to look for the signs of abuse. 
As others mentioned we are happy you are back as sad as your story is. We are scarred but not defeated. 
Leah you wrote a short summary of what I know is a much deeper horror. Thank democracy and freedom as a woman that you took the steps you needed in what had to be the darkest point. 
WE WILL Survive. 
 

[EastInWest 1,524]

I'm so sorry to see this, but glad you're on track with a good support system, and that you've reached out to let us know you're safe. 

[GoldCoCouple 4,065]

So sorry to hear about the dark path you ended up on, but glad to hear that you found your way out of the darkness. You've certainly been missed here and we're glad to see that you have returned. Always know that we as a community are always here to provide whatever help and support that you need. Welcome home...

[cplnluv1 871]

You are strong, stay that way. Thank you for posting so others can read that swinging doesn’t always take a straight path. You are smart enough to take advice from the people who care about your welfare and health and dismiss the ugly remarks. 
You are a beautiful young lady that, look in the mirror every morning you will see her. 😘

[BillyandDebbie 301]

Sad reading your painful story and understand your reluctance to share deep details. Most here support you and your return to sharing. Too many women have been pressured into doing things they are uncomfortable with and are afraid to seek help. 
 

https://www.vestasit.com/signs-of-a-sexually-abusive-relationship/

[MidwestHoneys 356]

Leah, you are lucky you live in NJ where women are still in control of their bodies. 
 

As the others we are glad you escaped from bad people. We will look for promising future posts. 

[PSULioness 839]

Thank you all for your kind words. 

[luv2was 117]

I appreciate the vulnerability, courage, and strength that it took for you to share your story here.  Glad to know that things are on the mend.  Despite the difficulty, it sounds like you have managed to find some positive growth from your experience with the help of some supportive people in your life.

Be Well.

[Half MT 218]

I love that people care about others. You must be a terrific person by the remarks I am reading. 

[Numex 2,409]

On 7/6/2024 at 6:31 PM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

if your husband could have been more supportive your story would be very different.  I'm sure he enjoyed the threesomes he shared with you, but when the very real repercussions came home to roost he let you down.

Because of the guilt he will feel for what he did and the fact that he lost a wonderful woman, the likes of whom he will never find again, he will come to realize and regret the mistake he made in leaving her. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of his life.

[couplers 4,615]

10 hours ago, Numex said:

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of his life.

If you're going to steal a line, don't steal from the classics.

[cplnluv1 871]

Unfortunately divorce is extremely common today with almost half marriages failing. There are normally many factors leading to the separation with one extra incident that finally makes the breakup inevitable. Swinging is not an activity that saves marriages, it sometimes adds to a fractured relationship. 
My husband Alan said that marriages need time learn about spouses, get to know each other before taking the big step. Leah’s marriage started with swinging, her husband enjoyed a fantasy of sex with Leah’s girlfriends. It was her husband that insisted that his friend be a surrogate husband when he was away. The friend was the safe sexual partner. Alan said that was dangerous situation that would eventually become a problem. 
This is Leah’s thread, I don’t want to hijack it. We will reiterate that she is a great young lady though she isn’t that young anymore. She is well educated, smart, knows life and is street smart. Her divorce happened as so many others have, what is more concerning is the jerk she looked to as a rebound. The question is how she allowed a degenerate run her life, how he used her when she had so many friends she could have turned to for support. Why do women become subservient out of weakness? 
PS Leah doesn’t have a cat. 

[couplers 4,615]

1 hour ago, cplnluv1 said:

Leah’s marriage started with swinging, her husband enjoyed a fantasy of sex with Leah’s girlfriends. It was her husband that insisted that his friend be a surrogate husband when he was away. The friend was the safe sexual partner. Alan said that was dangerous situation that would eventually become a problem. 

My insight into relationships is below average, and I was wrong here.  I thought that Leah's marriage would be strong because they entered it with her already having had a threesome with her girlfriend and that woman's boyfriend, and her husband knowing about it.  It seemed to me very mature of both of them.  Plus the relationship with her husband's friend seemed, to me, so appropriate.

 

1 hour ago, cplnluv1 said:

Why do women become subservient out of weakness?

None of us is perfect, especially being judged in hindsight by others.  And no one knows how they will respond in a moment of crisis, of weakness.  Any success that I have had in relationships is due to luck and the better character of others that I have relationships with.  

 

1 hour ago, cplnluv1 said:

This is Leah’s thread, I don’t want to hijack it.

The posts here, including yours, have been accretive to the original post, and I at least appreciate the insights.  Thank you.

[Gab32421 25]

On 7/7/2024 at 3:03 AM, PSULioness said:

Hello

My name is Leah, also known as PSULioness an alumna of Pennsylvania State University where I belonged to a sorority I will not name. A little over 8 years ago I attended a football game with friends I knew from school that ended up a snowy day and a day that changed my life. 

I know some here think I was bullied and quit posting because of an individual saying nasty things to me which I only wish was the reason. I will now try to clear up any thoughts or questions on what happened in my life. If you are uninterested please skip my what may be lengthy history. 
 

First I want to thank a few friends who supported me through some trying times the last few years. I never thought I would seek guidance from older than me strangers who I found to be wiser. 
 

To continue, on that snowy day, a friend and guy friend convinced me to stay with them instead of driving in the snow. The 3 of us shared a bed in a local hotel which I agreed to innocently. At the time I was living with my future husband and was monogamous. You don’t need to be a scholar to figure what happened that night. To this day I don’t know how things went from innocent to much more. My girlfriend who was in the middle put her arm around me while I was sleeping then went further. How or why I didn’t stop her I can’t say. I never had any sexual desire for any girl in my life. I’ve told this story so many times I wonder how much is memory or how much is how I remember it. That night I became non-monogamous and had my first of many bi-sexual encounters. I’m not sure what bothered me more, the girlfriend or having sex with a guy I didn’t know. It was around that time I found out some of my sorority sisters were bi. 
That’s all background to me getting married, my husband getting to enjoy my friend’s openly sexual parties, me sharing my friends with him and me coming close with my husband’s best friend. Details aren’t important but his friend became my best friend when my husband traveled for business. My husband encouraged me, I didn’t do anything that he didn’t approve. My narrative turns now. At that point we decided to start a family and I became pregnant, something we were very happy about. That is when darkness set in, I had a feeling that his friend was the father. Stupidly I continued to be with our friend after stopping birth control. Call it bad timing, it had to be our friend. That is when my lies started, I had the pregnancy terminated, telling everyone I had a miscarriage. Dark days led to fights and a divorce. Darker days were ahead. I met a man who took me in. Older than me, he was a swinger and used me as an entree to parties. 
Things got worse after we moved to New England. He started to have friends come over just for sex. I swear he was a pimp, the men were nasty. I should have run away but had nowhere to go, I couldn’t admit what I was doing to my parents in NY. The sex also took a turn, he started being into sadism, spanking. The men he invited wanted to spank a young girl. He made me dress in school girl clothes for the men. I just couldn’t do it anymore and called a friend who saved me and moved me back to NJ. 
That is the reason I stopped posting, not because of nasty comments, I only wish that was the cause. 
 

I’m doing better now, moving on with my life with the help of good caring friends. Thank you to the friends I made here who check up on me and my well being. 
 

As my Dad would say “Peace”☮️

Sorry that happened to you, better times ahead. Good to see you back.

[cplnluv1 871]

7 hours ago, couplers said:

I thought that Leah's marriage would be strong because they entered it with her already having had a threesome with her girlfriend and that woman's boyfriend, and her husband knowing about it.  It seemed to me very mature of both of them. 

That very start foreshadowed what was to come. Her then boyfriend, future husband, left her when she told him about that night. We didn’t know them then, he only returned when she included him in the parties. 
In our history we found men who say they enjoy watching yet have deep feelings of jealousy. Even if he played with all of her friends he just went along with her desires. 

 

8 hours ago, couplers said:

Plus the relationship with her husband's friend seemed, to me, so appropriate.

The relationship with his friend was her husband’s safety net. He felt if he had a trusted friend watching out for Leah she would not look to other men. In reality she ran to that friend as soon as her husband went on business trips. Was it a romantic relationship or better sex I don’t know, Leah can’t or won’t say. I think a combination. 

 

8 hours ago, couplers said:

None of us is perfect, especially being judged in hindsight by others.  And no one knows how they will respond in a moment of crisis, of weakness. 

That is correct, we don’t want to judge. She found what she thought was a safe man, mature, older, what she called a professional. She was being taken care of, maybe a sugar baby. We all have kinks that can’t be judged, I say she was being abused. Leah told me this man became controlling, selecting men for her to have sex with. His big kink was spanking and watching others spank her. I don’t know what woke her up, even though she has opened up to me she still hides some of her ordeal. She is seeing a therapist, she says, that she says is what she needed. 
 

When I read posts I find myself analyzing the deeper meanings. I met too many women who I felt were pleasing someone else by meeting us. Some women hid this very well, I tried to catch those relationships before playing. Alan and I finally decided not to be the cause of abuse in those marriages and stopped what we were doing. 
 

[Starting late 121]

PSU class of 1990 here. My thoughts are with you, and my heart goes out. So sorry you had to go through this, but hopeful you're on the right path now. Stay strong.