Swinging and Fear of STIs/STDs

[dsledge 2]

Hello Everyone. We know this topic has been discussed many times and places, but we wanted to ask this question ourselves to see what constructive and worthwhile information we could learn from everyone.

 

We (husband and wife - and we’ve always been each others’ firsts for everything) have talked and thought about beginning our Swinger/Lifestyle journey, but we (who are DD free) have some fears that hold us back; specifically STIs/STDs (especially, for some reason, herpes). Our fears of herpes and sexually transmitted diseases/infections (amongst the many other STIs/STDs) most likely stem from lessons we’ve learned since childhood, be they accurate or not, as well as the stigma and shame that has traditionally gone with them (which has been ingrained in us).

 

We’d like to note that, if we were to start a Lifestyle journey, our first/main boundaries would be no kissing on the lips (in large part to the aforementioned fears), the requirement to use condoms (for intercourse, if we were ever to be full swap), asking couples about these issues prior to play, and trying to keep a keen eye out for concerns (if it doesn’t look or smell right…).

 

In addition to us doing our own research into the current medical information and facts on such diseases/infections:

 

How do you and/or your spouse(s) understood and reconciled the health STI/STD risks to become a part of the Lifestyle?

 

While this is a very individual question, do you and/or your spouse(s) generally think the Lifestyle (including its potential highs and lows) is worth the risks (or at least exploring it physically)? Are we right to fear these infections/diseases such that we shouldn’t explore the Lifestyle?

 

Do you have any thoughts or guidance to help us grapple with these fears?

 

Are their resources that stuck out or was the most hopeful to you and/or your spouse(s)?

 

How have you handled talking about these issues with potential play partners?

 

Any general thoughts, comments, or examples that you think we should hear or think about?

 

Thank you!

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

Hi!

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and your concerns on these matters are justified.

 

For us, our swinging falls into two camps:

1. "anonymous" sex like the kind you engage in at swing clubs and houseparties (or other hookups with strangers).

2. "closed" swinging like when you invite regular long-term partners to your house (or are invited to theirs)

 

For #1, it is acceptable to refrain from open mouth kissing and unprotected sex.  We have used male condoms, female condoms, dental dams... all sorts of prophylaxis in club settings and it's no insult to insist on using them. We regard those who prefer to forego precautions in such settings as risky and irresponsible.

 

For #2 it's required to show a recent std panel.  We get tested a couple times a year and so do others we play with in our little set of regulars.  With this formality out of the way we enjoy bareback sex. No condoms or dental dams required.

 

Ideally, as you gain LS experience you will gain trusted partners for scenario #2.  I think everyone prefers sex without condoms etc., but you have to be careful about your partners.

[let's do it again 416]

I totally understand your concerns! I always use condoms and dam when playing with a new partner. I get tested monthly whenever I get my blood checked because I am on blood thinner. I have been fortunate that potential partners have warned me that they have herpes, on which I declined. While I was much younger I was reckless and didn't protect myself as I should have,  luckily I didn't catch anything. The only thing else that I can say is, if you swing be diligent and protect yourself. Ask for test results and don't take anything for granted. 

[AdamGunn2 418]

Well, you have a realistic concern.  What are the odds of contracting an STD? Your mileage is going to vary.

 

My wife and I were swingers for 16 years, we used condoms for all penetrative sex. Never caught anything. That doesn't mean you won't.

 

Specifically for herpes, not kissing will give you some protection, but we found that such a restriction was less than we wanted. So we kissed often.  The other thing you have to think about is that herpes can also be spread by oral sex, both ways. So, are you willing to not have oral sex?

 

It's your life, and I'm far from being judgmental. It's just that too much worry can put a damper on your activities.

 

Best of luck.

[TricianMike 788]

We were lucky for years without all the precautions you set up. It caught up to me. 
Sorry that I always laugh about the no kissing rule

[Numex 2,459]

3 hours ago, dsledge said:

How do you and/or your spouse(s) understood and reconciled the health STI/STD risks to become a part of the Lifestyle?

 

2 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

For us, our swinging falls into two camps:

1. .

2. "closed" swinging like when you invite regular long-term partners

 We started in the lifestyle by taking many precautions and felt that it took much of the fun and spontaneity out of it.  We found like-minded married couples and we all went through multiple rounds of testing over several months all the while remaining monogamous and are now a closed group.  We feel safe for two reasons besides mutual trust: the consequences would be severe and extrajudicial, and everyone has as much quantity and variety of sex as they want.  That makes it less likely for anyone to go outside the group than for someone in a vanilla marriage to cheat.

3 hours ago, dsledge said:

do you and/or your spouse(s) generally think the Lifestyle (including its potential highs and lows) is worth the risks

Under our arrangement, definitely.  We all now go bareback all of the time and especially enjoy that aspect of it.

Edited July 14 by Numex

[njbm 2,901]

I hope you have both had the 3 series of HPV vaccines. HPV is sexually transmitted. It can cause cervical, throat and other cancers. Usually it goes dormant and is harmless, but not always. Condoms can help, but it is spread through skin to skin contact, sometimes at places not covered by condoms. There is no HPV test for men. Except genital warts. If you have that, you tested positive! You can get the vaccines up to age 45, but some doctors and organizations will vaccinate later.  I urge potential swingers and actual swingers to get it. 

[dsledge 2]

Thank you all for your posts. It has been very helpful and makes a lot of sense. We know this topic isn't sexy, but we also know it's one of the most important. So thank you all again.

 

When not in a closed group, how often do folks use condoms, dams or the like when doing oral?

 

As mentioned here, it's been suggested to us that, if we do end up playing with others, we politely/respectfully decline playing with those who aren't willing to provide their health status or who disclose something we aren't comfortable with.  That sounds like a good baseline, if not just good "common sense". With this in mind, does one simply just ask (respectfully, of course) pre-play about the others' health status? We assume it would be a part of the boundaries discussion, right (we missed the Swinger orientation video - lol)? Remember, we haven't done anything yet, so clearly we are new (and we haven't randomly asked any of our vanilla friends at the end of dinner if they've used Shameless Care lately - lol). Playing out this discussion in our minds is likely very different than what happens in reality.

 

How often have you turned folks down or how often have they become irate or upset over a decline (or required the use of a condom/dam/etc.) base upon health concerns? Putting my question another way, do you find that the Swinger Community is generally more understanding or respectful of declines related to these concerns/issues, or not? Being safe is more important than ones hurt feelings, but still...we are curious about this.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,421]

In a swing club/houseparty setting, it's normal to briefly discuss "the rules" before engaging.  If the couple(s) you're with don't like your terms they are free to leave - as are you if you don't like theirs.  It's rare, but you may encounter couples who absolutely refuse to use prophylaxis.

 

In a more closed setting, you usually arrange a no-sex meet up at a bar or coffee shop, and specifically state you wish to review each other's std paperwork.  If their paperwork is not in order they will either not bring it or ghost you, and that's how you know.

[let's do it again 416]

I have had 3 women voluntarily disclosed they had herpes , but have had many with no paperwork. The ones with no test results were the ones that got mad.

[AdamGunn2 418]

Do be aware that tests results can be faked pretty easily. We had one guy that we asked for results, and he gave us a piece of paper where there were three misspellings on the form. We passed on that one.

[njbm 2,901]

6 hours ago, AdamGunn2 said:

Do be aware that tests results can be faked pretty easily. We had one guy that we asked for results, and he gave us a piece of paper where there were three misspellings on the form. We passed on that one.

My younger brothers, not Rhodes scholars, used to “doctor” their report cards before they showed them to our parents.  Not hard to make a D look like a B. 

[Sophy 571]

Sex has always been a risk; I have known this since I started my sexual life when I was a teenager. We both do understand the risks, and we both manage them for us the outcome is much more rewarding, saying that this is our current situation:

 

We do not use condoms for oral, for me the taste of the condoms is a big mood-breaker, flavour or no flavour, sucking on a piece of rubber is a bad experience for me.

Also, most of the time, I handle the male orgasm in my mouth.

We use condoms for penetration; we have condomless sex only with our closest friends, people we have known for years -> these are only two couples.

 

I am HPV Vaccinated and we get tested twice a year.

 

Once again, we both understand the risks; we made an adult decision.