Quandary on seeing a profile

[Half MT 217]

We look at profiles on a swinger site without allowing too much of our own personal information given. We look outside of our local geographic region for reasons of privacy of our family. It is Timmy who searches primarily, we look together after he looks or just for fun before going to bed. We call our late night searches foreplay. 
Our quandary is Timmy found an interesting profile about 50 miles from us of a friend I had in my early life. I’ve read that it’s not a problem, no need to hide, they are just as vulnerable as we are. My first reaction was it’s not her, she was a quiet girl I knew who I haven’t seen since high school. I looked her up on Facebook and the pictures matched although the FB pictures were very G as expected. Her husband looked familiar too. The pictures on our search were anything but G. When I search I don’t look for nude pictures, I don’t sign in and only things I see are tame. Timmy goes further in his searches and sees the Total picture. My quiet friend is not quiet anymore, it’s hard to imagine that’s her, something she would most likely say about me. On Facebook we have a number of mutual friends, she is also on IG. I think I am going too far Googled her and saw her address and more personal information. I don’t want to embarrass her by contacting them or leave myself vulnerable letting her know my life is different from the Maryann she knew. I know we all change I’m not sure how we would match. 
I read all the threads on playing with friends, pros and cons. We haven’t been friends in a lifetime so is this playing with a friend?

[AdamGunn2 393]

Is this playing with a friend? In absolute terms, since you haven't seen them in ages, I'd say no. But, since you have mutual friends, I'd be very cautious.

 

Let's say you let it be known to her that you and your husband are swingers. Then she, in an uncareful moment (drunk or otherwise,) says to one of your mutual friends, "Oh, you remember Half MT? Well, let me tell you . . ." You're outed.

 

Not saying that's what's going to happen, just saying it's possible.  How cautious do you want to be?

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

We see this a bit differently.

 

From time to time, we notice people from one of our walks of life--work, hobby, past (university, high school) -- on one of the adult sites. Unless we have some strong reason for contacting them, we will typically pass them by. That said, if you attend an LS event -- even a vanilla meet and greet, to say nothing of a house party or hotel takeover or cruise -- we can more or less guarantee that you will eventually encounter someone you know.  "Deer in headlights" is not a helpful reaction. 

 

One way to gauge your own responses is to practice, and here is the departure from others' thoughts: make contact and plan a vanilla dinner to catch up. Up to you whether you want to use SLS as the vehicle (you mentioned that she's on facebook).  Find a time together--this might be a "why did you reach out now?" response, or might be a quiet conversation in the ladies' room--to communicate that you know and you will of course protect their confidence. 

 

To repeat, the situation of running into someone you know is more probable than not--you just do not know when. Gaining skill in how to place that information in context of your pre-existing relationship with that person or couple will prepare you for the unexpected.  

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Nobody would expect my wife and I to be swingers. Thing is, swingers are just the average cross section of society that you see at any grocery store of an evening. We're all kinds, all types, all walks of life. A good family friend of ours decided to delve into non-monogamy with his long term girlfriend. He told us about it. Not long after, we gave him a book on such issues that we had both read. He was shocked when he unwrapped it. He looked at the book, looked at us, saw we were smiling and said, "YOU? NO WAY!" Yep, we are You never know. You just never know.

 

I'd advise caution with friends too. Part of that is my own tendencies from a military background. Information that you control becomes less controlled when someone else knows it. AdamGunn is right; are you ok with trusting her and her husband's confidence? What is the value in her knowing? Cost/benefit scenario.

 

We met up with a couple a few times who were considering getting into swinging. Very nice couple. We got along with them well. We never played with them, but they were nice. We were sort of early mentors for them. But, while we were probably headed to playing with them if they crossed that bridge, we never did...once we found out they were very close friends with a coworker of mine. Ok, they already knew about us, but playing with them might have made things complicated. So, we didn't. Your mileage may vary.

Edited August 8 by bbarnsworth

[NC_Seniors 518]

7 hours ago, Fundamental Law said:

That said, if you attend an LS event -- even a vanilla meet and greet, to say nothing of a house party or hotel takeover or cruise -- we can more or less guarantee that you will eventually encounter someone you know.

Male half here! I had the exact opposite happen. Went to a doctor’s office one day, reported to the check-in window, and there sat a woman we’d seen numerous times at the same house party. (We’d never played with her and her partner.) We were both very professional about it all and not another word was said … but I think we both silently giggled about it.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

"We were both very professional about it all and not another word was said "

This is the simplest approach, whether the unexpected encounter is at the supermarket or in the playroom. 

The challenge arises when a word is said...how would you have responded? Ignoring the conversation does not work...we have witnessed that (two other parties, we were observing). 

Having a script and practicing the script will help. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

We've been in the LS 26 years.  We have bumped into a few ppl we know from the vanilla world.

 

It wasn't all that awkward.  Just a little 😀