Swinging and Self Image issues

[Skhan 56]

I have had some swinging experiences in my late 20's. I married my wife in her early thirties.  She is an Atheist, so religion is not a block.

She has some bad self image issues, even though she is fit and looks great for a lady in her late 50's.

I have jokingly mentioned swinging, but she keeps saying she would have problems being naked in front of someone else because she thinks she isn't appealing at 58.

She says her fantasy is having two men at once, but she doesn't have the courage to do something about it.

I don't push or insist.

 

Any of you had a spouse with self image problems when you first started swinging?

[J&Wu 408]

We started our experience in our 60's at what was billed as a masterbation club which met 3-4 times monthly in a Sheraton or Embassy Suites. The lady 1/2 of the owers met with new members in the afternoon after which there was dinner for newbies and members who wanted to come to get acquainted. The owners were our age and members a variety. 

The evening get together in adjoining suites started with social mixing, then introductions, then get naked and play. The boss lady did masturbate each of the newbies but otherwise we were free to mix as desired. No obligation to get naked, could break in gradually at future meetings. It got easier with time and people who became friends.

 

Unfortunately the club has closed with the passing of the owners a couple years ago, we miss them, they gave us a well designed intro to swinging. I should mention that we had been nudists for 15-20 years before, used to a lot of body variations!

[J&Wu 408]

Might be a thought to visit a clothing optional AANR club and see how your spouse does with fitting in with just recreational nudity and go from there.  

Edited August 18 by J&Wu

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

Well, it's not about 'courage', on her part. It's actually not about her 'self image'.  It's about being accepted and by 'accepted' I mean adored and lusted after.

 

Whoever that second guy is, he simply needs to tell her how great she looks (and be sincere in that statement) and that sex with her with in a threesome would be amazingly great (also said with sincerity).

 

Tell her you'd like to find someone who appreciates her as well as you do and wants to be playful in perhaps a ,"Morticia & Gomez" type of way (television show, more than the movies)

 

I mean, you just know they had great sex and he'd do anything she asked.....anything.

 

Remember, this is supposed to be about having some fun !  You know.... FUN !  Remember, you cannot spell "Fucking" without "F-U-N".

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Skhan, this is a very, very, very common concern. There is enormous pressure in society for women to look a certain way. I've seen many people post something similar to what you have posted. Women think they haven't aged well, don't look right any more, etc....as if their husbands are the only people in the world who could possibly find them attractive?

 

There are websites out there where you can post pictures and get people's responses to them. newbienudes is one of them. There are others. I'd suggest trying one of those, if she's up for it. She doesn't have to show her face.

 

You are right to not push or insist; all you can do is open doors for her. I'd keep having conversations. You can try things in the bedroom too, like using a dildo on her at the same time as she gives you head, and encouraging her to fantasize. In your conversations, never be judgmental or sarcastic. Try to be encouraging and receptive to her deepest fantasies and thoughts. It's a trust building thing. Over time, she can begin to embrace her fantasies and maybe eventually begin to take steps towards them.

[Skhan 56]

We have a wild sex life at home. Bedroom toys. I perform cunnilingus and anilingus on her. Anal beads, mutual masturbation. Sexting when we are apart.

She doesn't get off on porn, though.  I think it stems from a boat load of bad shit she got from her mother.  See from my gallery that she looks good for her late 50's.

We have even talked about our former sex partners. 

I mean, if we weren't married, and I met her, I would fuck her in a minute!

I've keep reminding her that if she has fantasies, then now is the time in our lives to fulfill them. 

[Skhan 56]

By the way, for you older swingers, is vaginal lubrication an issue, and does using lubricants affect your swing sessions?

My wife uses estrogen, which greatly improves her dryness, but plenty of lube is a must.

[PeterJ 940]

1 hour ago, Skhan said:

By the way, for you older swingers, is vaginal lubrication an issue, and does using lubricants affect your swing sessions?

My wife uses estrogen, which greatly improves her dryness, but plenty of lube is a must.

The people I play with range from their mid-40s through their 70s. My experience is that post-menopausal women generally require lube in order to enjoy pleasurable (and non-painful) intercourse. My wife (who happily at 75 still has a nice tight pussy) prefers water-based lubes, particularly the version of KY that is branded as specifically for sex. I get the best sensations from silicone-based lubes. 
 

If your relationship does, as you hope, advance to enjoying other partners, my experience suggests there won’t be an issue with your wife using lube.

[PeterJ 940]

1 hour ago, Skhan said:

See from my gallery that she looks good for her late 50's.

 

Skhan, I did take a look at your gallery photos. First, they were hot! But to your comment, from my experience and in my opinion, your wife’s appearance will not in any way prove a barrier to finding play partners. I find her quite attractive and I reckon that while not every prospective partner you engage will want to have sex with her, most will. And that includes men (and women if she eventually finds FF sex desirable) from their 40s through their 60s or even 70s.

 

As others have pointed out, many women inaccurately negatively assess their attractiveness. It’s a tough hurdle to overcome and it negatively impacts their lives in a number of dimensions, not just sex. (Men tend to overestimate their physical attractiveness. 😂) One idea is to attend a swinger off-premises meet & greet, with a firm agreement that you will just observe the other attendees and if you both feel sufficiently comfortable, chat with some of them. 
 

You could also go to an on-premises swinger club, but again with the firm agreement that you’ll just chat with others, not engage in sex with anyone. Clubs generally offer casual orientations/tours to first-time attendees. You can mention that you are just looking to socialize on that visit. Some clubs have wristbands for folks who aren’t intending to play, which can avoid awkward moments.

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

3 hours ago, Skhan said:

By the way, for you older swingers, is vaginal lubrication an issue, and does using lubricants affect your swing sessions?

My wife uses estrogen, which greatly improves her dryness, but plenty of lube is a must.

You are quite correct.  The "Estring" is an effective vaginal estrogen delivery method, and we favor the Sliquid Naturals line of lubricants. 

[Half MT 217]

I found out the thing that I worried about myself is now a positive. I was afraid my soaking a bed was incontinence, stupid me. It’s something desired. 
I think every woman looks in the mirror and finds faults whether real or imagined. Even with reassurances I still know my flaws. 

[J&Wu 408]

3 hours ago, Half MT said:

I found out the thing that I worried about myself is now a positive. I was afraid my soaking a bed was incontinence, stupid me. It’s something desired. 
I think every woman looks in the mirror and finds faults whether real or imagined. Even with reassurances I still know my flaws. 

I remember one middle years lady at our club that pretty obviously enjoyed fucking and who would soak the sheets. A lot of the fun with her was helping change the sheets, she was such a gem!

[J&Wu 408]

18 hours ago, Skhan said:

By the way, for you older swingers, is vaginal lubrication an issue, and does using lubricants affect your swing sessions?

My wife uses estrogen, which greatly improves her dryness, but plenty of lube is a must.

We like Good Clean Love lubricant. There is a Urologist, Rena Malik, MD, on YouTube who had at least one session on Lubricants a couple years ago? that I've seen.

[scalliwags 17]

My wife was much the same when we started out.  It was something that she had interest in, but she was convinced that the extra weight she had was unattractive and undesirable.  We started by going out to bars and she would dress a bit more provocatively and as her confidence grew, she would dress more and more revealing. 

She eventually figured out that different people were attracted by different things.  Some men like extremely thin women, others prefer BBW.  My wife's body type happens to attract a particular type of man, and she has had all kinds of "fun" with them.  Now she thinks she is sexy and greatly enjoys the opportunity to go out to a swinger club to show off, flirt, and play. 

[PeterJ 940]

3 hours ago, scalliwags said:

My wife was much the same when we started out.  It was something that she had interest in, but she was convinced that the extra weight she had was unattractive and undesirable...Now she thinks she is sexy and greatly enjoys the opportunity to go out to a swinger club to show off, flirt, and play. 

If you think you are sexy you will be sexy. You will act sexy. And people will respond appropriately. 

[couplers 4,614]

On 9/5/2024 at 5:22 PM, PeterJ said:

If you think you are sexy you will be sexy. You will act sexy. And people will respond appropriately. 

There are people who find whatever you think are your body deficiencies (in my case, small tits) and abnormalities (large clit and labia) great turn-ons and really want to look at you, play with them, take them into their mouth, enjoy fucking together, it is a great confidence builder.

[Shore2Please 610]

We started by going to a nude beach with others, we were in our thirties and I had my doubts being nude with people we just met. My take is nudity, and seeing all shapes, ages and types is an equalizer. For me I gained confidence and raised my self image. As I age I am becoming more self critical so I work at it.