Does it take two vanilla meets to figure this out?

[njbm 2,868]

We like to have an initial vanilla meeting before swinging. We want to make sure the other couple is attractive, appealing and rational. We want to go home and discuss, not make an instant decision. 
 

We had dinner with a prospective couple last week. The husband was very low energy. He didn’t seem too jazzed by my wife. She normally gets a very positive response. She was not too entertained, either. I found the wife attractive, not sure if she had much interest in me. 
 

They wrote back to us that they were not sure if there was a four way match, but they would go out to dinner with us again to see. Worth it? I may also add they are newbies, we are veterans. Even if we got to the sex part, we’ve had some bad sessions with newbies. Thoughts? 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,383]

Well maybe the first meet was just an off night.  They're new so maybe their jitters got the best of them.

 

If you have the time and inclination then sure, why not?  Nothing to lose, right?

[NC_Seniors 518]

5 hours ago, njbm said:

I may also add they are newbies, we are veterans. Even if we got to the sex part, we’ve had some bad sessions with newbies. Thoughts? 

I’m sure you remember being a newbie. If they’re asking for a second chance, give it to ‘em. What’s the worst that can happen … you get a nice dinner out someplace?   😉

[njbm 2,868]

We’ll do the second dinner. Maybe we’ll bond. As NC said, how bad can it be? 

My wife’s comment when fun dinner partners become suboptimal  sex partners: “ We should have stopped at dinner.”

[AdamGunn2 393]

The other couple said, "Not much of a four-way match." Did they say why? Did they indicate that either was having an off-night? 

 

I and my wife had many of these dates, and I can't remember a single one that if the first one didn't go well we thought it was worth a second chance. We had plenty of successful first dates, many leading to 'interaction' either that night or down the road. But if we weren't feeling it, we would just chalk it off to, 'they're not our type' and move on.

 

We dated newbies, too. We expected them to have a lot of questions, and we were called upon to be mentors. One couple had drinks or dinner with us four times before they were ready. And if the couple didn't want to have sex with us, and instead tried another couple, we certainly weren't offended. BUT . . . every newbie couple that we bumped into that eventually turned into swingers was excited about the prospect on that first date. 

Edited August 21 by AdamGunn2

[njbm 2,868]

4 hours ago, AdamGunn2 said:

The other couple said, "Not much of a four-way match." Did they say why? Did they indicate that either was having an off-night? 

 

I and my wife had many of these dates, and I can't remember a single one that if the first one didn't go well we thought it was worth a second chance. We had plenty of successful first dates, many leading to 'interaction' either that night or down the road. But if we weren't feeling it, we would just chalk it off to, 'they're not our type' and move on.

 

We dated newbies, too. We expected them to have a lot of questions, and we were called upon to be mentors. One couple had drinks or dinner with us four times before they were ready. And if the couple didn't want to have sex with us, and instead tried another couple, we certainly weren't offended. BUT . . . every newbie couple that we bumped into that eventually turned into swingers was excited about the prospect on that first date. 

They did not say where the four way match was of question because I am sure they didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I have a feeling the only winning connection was our male (me) to their female. Dinner out with them was pleasant, so we offered to try again. Will advise how it goes. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

No question that 4-way matches are elusive. They begin with strong matches within each couple. Next, they require interest by all parties in finding a 4 way match. Finally there has to be luck. Thinking back on our (individual, before we met) dating experiences, it took a long time to find pairings that were at least interesting, longer still to find ones that would last beyond 2 dates, and ultimately a very long time to find each other. 

 

While it is true that swinger dating comes with no expectations beyond pleasant time together, there still has to be pairing. Moreover, there has to be complementary pairing (two pairs). Those are long-but-not-impossible odds. 

 

It's for precisely this reason that we...and maybe others...regard those great 2+2 pairings as exceptional and worth holding on to. 

 

 

[discreetplay 235]

We take a different approach to the lifestyle. We'll find potential matches via the website. We'll exchange texts/chat, emails, maybe talk on the phone. If we seem like a match, we meet up for a lite dinner/hors d'oeuvre with the expectation of playing. Due to work, family, etc we don't have the opportunity to get out for multiple meet-ups. If we did the whole first meet, second meet....we'd end up 6 months out without doing anything. And we'd be out multiple dinners, multiple nights with babysitters, etc. That approach doesn't work for us.

[MrMrsswinger 202]

1 minute ago, discreetplay said:

Due to work, family, etc we don't have the opportunity to get out for multiple meet-ups.

As you two know, we're the same way. Just don't have the amount of free time as we'd like to go out often so we take advantage when we actually can arrange a night out.

 

To the OP, if the vibe wasn't right on the first meet, why do you think it would be different the second time? If you have the opportunity to meet up again, it wouldn't hurt. For us it isn't worth the time and money to go out with a couple if the vibe wasn't right. The way you wrote about it, I don't understand how you think it would be better on a second meet.

 

And we've found the 4-way match is very difficult to get. Our approach is 'are they attractive?'...'are they relatively fun to be around?'...let's get naked. I don't want to hear about their lousy job. I don't want to hear about their politics. I don't want to hear how the woman doesn't like her thighs/boobs/whatever. I want some laughs during dinner. I want general flirting, smiling...just fun. If they're uptight, the naked time will likely be awkward. Again, we want to have fun. Naked fun. 

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

On 8/21/2024 at 6:34 PM, MrMrsswinger said:

Our approach is 'are they attractive?'...'are they relatively fun to be around?'...let's get naked. I don't want to hear about their lousy job. I don't want to hear about their politics. I don't want to hear how the woman doesn't like her thighs/boobs/whatever. I want some laughs during dinner. I want general flirting, smiling...just fun. If they're uptight, the naked time will likely be awkward. Again, we want to have fun. Naked fun. 

We're with you, although we frame the questions slightly differently. When we meet a (new to us) couple, there are four questions we ask ourselves...

 

1. Does this couple seem like a couple? Are they on the same page? Do we sense that they are here together and to have fun?

2. Is there activity between the ears? (Maybe we're selective, but that 4-way connection involves that laughter during dinner and that in turn means that the cerebral cortex has to work. )  Can they talk about things other than weather and sports? 

3. Do they treat others well? That dinner you mentioned usually involves (anonymous) waitstaff. Are they kind to others? 

4. Can we see ourselves naked in the hot tub with them?  This is our version of "are they attractive?" that you mentioned. 

 

All of that seems pretty simple, even "low bar". Surprising (to us at least) it is neither simple nor an easy bar to clear. 

 

 

[njbm 2,868]

Most people we meet online or in person are misfires/ no goes. We are a little quirky ourselves, but 39 certs on SLS must mean we’ve appealed to some folks. 

Edited August 25 by njbm

[njbm 2,868]

We told the other couple we would be willing to meet again. Have not heard back in a week. Starting to doubt we will. On to our next victims!

[Fundamental Law 2,885]

3 hours ago, njbm said:

We told the other couple we would be willing to meet again. Have not heard back in a week. Starting to doubt we will. On to our next victims!

There is a compelling logic to moving on.  One might hazard a guess that conversation between the members of that couple has either stalled or reached an impasse. Better to let them resolve their own issues on their timeline and not yours. 

[njbm 2,868]

Neither of us were that wowed physically or personality wise with the other couple. I thought the wife was attractive, I am thinking we had it a one way match.
 

Add in their newbie status and we are ok if the second meeting doesn’t happen. 

[Half MT 218]

We are still searching for the best way to meet others, decide if we are compatible while trying to make ourselves attractive enough for them to want to be with us. Our understanding there are plenty of swingers who will swing with anyone willing to have sex. 
Our first was with a couple we most likely would have passed on if we saw their profile online. What that proves is physical attraction is not the primary attraction if you get the chance to spend time getting to know the people. 

On 8/24/2024 at 3:35 PM, Fundamental Law said:

 

1. Does this couple seem like a couple? Are they on the same page? Do we sense that they are here together and to have fun?

They were on vacation, so yes to that. 

 

On 8/24/2024 at 3:35 PM, Fundamental Law said:

2. Is there activity between the ears? (Maybe we're selective, but that 4-way connection involves that laughter during dinner and that in turn means that the cerebral cortex has to work. )  Can they talk about things other than weather and sports? 

We spent time with them and we all enjoyed our conversations before sex was ever mentioned.  Sex with them was not even a thought at first. 
If we thought they weren’t good people we  would never agree to spend vacation time with them. We enjoyed the company. 
Our first party invitation we ghosted without meeting the host, we just had a bad feeling. 

Our next two couples, one was not an official couple, were based primarily on physical attraction. The first one didn’t have much in common with us, we did meet them first and they were easy to talk to and were fun. No red flags other than they were younger and not married. We overlooked the red flags most likely for the wrong reasons. Fortunately we have no regrets and jumped at our next meeting too. 
Our next new meeting started with a meeting without any intention to do more. Again we liked them and this time no red flags for us. We hoped they liked us as much as we liked them, it takes all four to agree. It worked. If they didn’t want to meet again we would not chase them. If they had doubts we wouldn’t pressure them. There is no reason to go forward if we were not the ones. 
No attraction, move on. 

 

44 minutes ago, njbm said:

Neither of us were that wowed physically or personality wise with the other couple.