I'm so conflicted

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

My husband wants to swing. This will be our second attempt at trying to dip our toes in. It's complicated, a long story, but he was too pushy and did not allow me to lead. We never did anything with anyone because I was never ready...

 

We are trying again and he promised to go at my pace but I have a lot of trauma from what happened although I've been in therapy...and we've been in marriage counseling.

 

I wanted to try the last time but slowly. I mean SLOWLY. Get myself used to the idea with baby steps...

 

I have both feelings of enticement and excitement but also I'm completely horrified at the thought of sharing the person I love the most in the world. It literally makes me want to puke thinking about it. How on earth do I overcome this?

 

Looking for advice. I truly want to over come these overwhelming feelings but I don't know if I can.

 

How can I get comfortable with the idea? Or maybe I can't bypass these feelings of ick...but I think if I do...it might be a lot of fun. 

 

Saying I'm torn is an understatement.

 

 

 

[Sprocket 18]

You are not alone in experiencing the mental conflict that is part of the journey into swinging. The excitement generated by thoughts of anticipated pleasure and fun is very powerful. Then the thinking turns the other way in regards to jealousy issues, you being so or your partner not coping seeing you ejoying sex in a way that he has never experienced with you. And then the thinking about who you might be meeting and will there be an attraction great enough that you actually want to progress to intimacy. All heavy stuff on the mind. 

 

There are lots of stories here similar to yours and there are many who will give you advice. But I am sure that most will say that to have a problem free and fun swinging lifestyle you should be starting with a very strong and stable relationship with your partner. There are many relationships that have ended because of involvement in swinging. Many of those relationships were on rocky ground prior to entering into swinging and the swinging just made things worse. Having sex with other people while having relationship issues is unlikely to resolve the relationship issues.

 

Good relationships are built on good communication between the partners. Open discussion without judgement and conflict. Respecting eachothers feelings and needs. Only when you have talked together about swinging and set any boundaries or limitations and then feel totally comfortable should you proceed.

 

If you are torn now, then more talking with your partner is needed before proceeding any futher. Take it slowly and don't be pressured into anything you are not 100% happy about. 

 

Swinging is a lifestyle choice that can be fun and add excitement to life. But it should not be done at the expense of one of the partners happiness.

 

Best wishes in resolving your situation.

[couplers 4,663]

9 hours ago, blueeyedbeauty said:

 

I have both feelings of enticement and excitement but also I'm completely horrified at the thought of sharing the person I love the most in the world... How on earth do I overcome this?

Talk to your husband about you going first and him not playing.  You start with a man of your choice in the manner you choose: your husband there or not there or just nearby; at a hotel or at your home; you describe every detail or say little of what happened; you do it once with the other guy or have a wild weekend.  You get the picture.

 

Believe me, after you get comfortable having sex with another man, enjoy it, and see what a wonderful, generous gift it is from your husband, (and how much pleasure he takes in your fun), you will be happy to do the same for him.  You will beg him to join you in the adventure. 

 

 

Edited August 26 by couplers

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,397]

It's fairly common among new, nervous newbies for the ladies to play together while the hubbies just watch - even if it's just a bit of foreplay -  then pairing back up with your respective partners for actual sex.

 

This alleviates some of the natural anxiety about your husband being with another woman and you being with another man.

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

Honestly he acts like it's an option because he truly gets turned on by thinking about it...but this is how it started last time. Asked if I would do this for him but then immediately said we needed to soft swap with another couple. The fear I have of another woman in the picture at first is hard and he just doesn't understand I need to ease my way in. I'm terrified. 

So I think he will expect me to allow him a FMF immediately afterwards...which I know I am not ready for. 

I think he thinks I'm being one sided and selfish which is the farthest thing from the truth...

But then it makes me question everything. I've learned so much about swinging because I wanted to understand it. I've gone through the whole "I must not be enough for him" to understanding why he thinks this will be good for us but this underlying fear has me almost frozen in time. These feelings are overwhelming. I'm having trouble sleeping, I'm constantly feeling anxiety...and I never used to do this. I've healed so much trauma that I was never stressed or overwhelmed anymore. This situation has made me almost feel crazy. Yet the idea turns me on soooo much. How can it be making me feel so insecure at the same time? I think I'm attractive and I know he loves me...but last time there was too much pressure. We had a dinner planned to meet up with a couple. I just wanted dinner. Get to know the couple. He told me if I did not tell them we would "f$ck on the first meet", we would be canceling dinner. So I cancelled it instead and told them I wasn't ready. They were so kind and said they only wanted dinner and did not want me to feel pressured...which is all I wanted anyhow but I'm still so angry about how that played out. He realizes now he was pushing me too hard and says well go at my pace but I'm still messed up over this. I guess I fear it will be more of the same. Maybe that's why I'm being so reserved. It's still fresh in my mind.

My husband is a good man. He just got wayyyy too excited. He knows I won't do anything I'm not ready for so he inadvertantly hurt himself being this way...but I love him and want to try again...but like at a snails pace this time. Go to on premise clubs, be a voyeur for a bit...then maybe be an exhibitionist and have sex with him for people to hear us, then to see us...I don't want to bring anyone in yet. Especially if he's going to only do this if he's allowed to play too right away. I'm not selfish...just scared and insecure so I need it to be slow. I hope that all makes sense.

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

Also I'm not bisexual. Bi-curious would be a better word for it. I have no desire to go down on a woman but would have no problem kissing or touching another woman and I wouldn't mind her going down on me but I'm not sure if the husbands sitting back and watching is an option but I did hear about this option on a podcast. He'd LOVE to see me with another woman. I'm just not into women like he would like...but then again I've never tried it before. I want to be more open. I'm just struggling to get past some things and I'm pretty sure I can if we do things slowly.

But this fear of being inadequate although we have an amazing sex life...hangs into me like a leech I can't remove. I want these feelings to subside.

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,397]

In swinging, the women make the rules. They are given final say.  This is just the way it is.

If he isn't getting his way bc you prefer things a different way then he just needs to man up and deal with it.

[AdamGunn2 403]

I'm going to present a different opinion from the ones above. It's not that they're not reasonable, but they seem to come at it from the standpoint of how to get you into swinging comfortably. If that's truly what you want, listen to their advice.

 

But I seem to feel you're being pushed into it, and you're resisting. You've pointed out a few reasons, one being you don't trust your husband to honor your feelings and emotions. And you're in therapy, AND marriage counseling.  I'd bring up swinging in these venues, talk to your therapists. I would imagine their opinion would be not to engage in swinging at this time. I'd listen to them.

 

Swinging isn't for everyone, even if it sounds like fun. It takes a tremendous amount of trust and self confidence.

Edited August 26 by AdamGunn2

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

I'm not being pushed into it. I want to do it BUT I want to start out very slowly. VERY SLOWLY. So that I can slowly overcome all of my insecurities about it and to start creating the desire to cultivate new steps with every small push forward. It's hard to express how I'm feeling through words honestly. I'm very turned on by the idea. It's obviously something I think could be fun...but sex was shamed when I was growing up and I've worked hard the last several years to overcome it. My issue is my husband is very turned on thinking about watching me...I however am sickened by the thought of watching him currently. I believe in time that will change as I grow more comfortable. That's the dilemma. And I am very insecure about my body although I have been working very hard for 6 years to change it. I currently do yoga 4-5 times a week. Before that it was kickboxing. My body is resistant to change as I'm in my late 40's. I've lost a lot of inches but not enough to where I'm satisfied. So my confidence is not where it should be at all. I think I have a pretty face and I love who I've grown to be as a person but I feel my body just lets me down every day. I fear I will be judged for all of my imperfections. That plays a huge peace in my issue at hand.

[Fundamental Law 2,893]

There is  a wealth of useful perspective here. We'll add a bit. 

 

1. The only thing that really matter is that the two members of the couple are on life's journey together. That sounds hokey, perhaps, but we claim experience of being together for a half century and married for 42+. Neither of us is the person we met/married--we have grown together--and neither of us knew--or knows--precisely where our journeys will take us. All we know is that we committed to journey together and grow together. Neither of us imagined that we would be involved in alternative lifestyles at the outset. 

 

2. What lies at the foundation of our relationship--and we would hazard to say the foundation of happy LS couples' relationships generally--are a set of shared values. Values like honor and honesty. Monogamy and swinging are not values--the are behaviors that emerge from values. The behavior of being flexible on how your partner has fun emerges from a set of shared values. We'll also mention that provided your behaviors and choices do not injure or adversely affect others, the only people your choices matter to is...you.  There is a truism that women run the LS. This is founded on the behavior of honoring the other's choices; it is typically the lady who is more reticent. That is not a judgement; it is an observation. 

 

3. No one should ever be pressed into "taking one for the team" or otherwise doing something they find unpleasant, distasteful etc. Neither of us is fond of kale, or oysters for that matter. Or anal. We simply pass as a couple. Mrs. FL like bourbon-based cocktails. Mr. FL doesn't like bourbon. It's choice. 

 

 

[MrMrsswinger 205]

You use the term "trauma" in your first post and and are in therapy and marriage counseling because of it. That's very extreme based on the explanation you not about the planned dinner you had. In your last post you state that you are "sickened" by the thought of watching him. You say you have a fear of being judged for you "imperfections". There are so many red flags here that I highly suggest you not try swinging. 

 

Your husband wants to see you with another woman. You don't want to. Your husband is the one pushing you into adding people to your bedroom. You are sickened by the thought of him with another woman. You feel trauma and need counseling because of a dinner that was canceled because your husband basically demanded you play on the first meeting. So, so many issues here. Once you do the first swap, there will be a severe push for more. "We did it once, what's the big deal?" "Why are you depriving me of this after doing it once? That was such a tease". I know you have only posted a few times here but the words you use, the tone in your posts make it seem like your husband is pushy. 

 

Going along with this will be the end of your marriage. I've suggested this before on another thread where the husband was asking similar questions and that couple split up. Not trying to be funny here but if you really are considering this, I would do a consult (without him knowing) with a couple divorce attorneys just to get a feel for what you may be looking at. The tension in the house that will exist if you try swinging and decide it isn't right for you while he wants more will be massive. The guilt he'll lay on you after dipping your toe in and determining the water is too cold will be enormous. As others have said, the woman usually lead. Your husband doesn't seem to want to let you drive the bus.

 

Lastly, since you mentioned it in your last post, I'll address it....many women post out here that they have insecurities about their bodies. Sagging boobs, extra pounds, small boobs, scars, big butt, etc...they've all been written here. Guys have written similar issues (penis is small, pot belly, etc). Your profile has no photos so there can't be any realistic comments. Ignoring all the issues I noted above, when two couples (three, whatever) who are into having a good time get naked, no one (NO ONE!) is critiquing anything. It's all about having fun. You may encounter people in the lifestyle who are snobby about the physical appearance but you'll be able to weed them out via conversations well before you get naked. 

 

With that said...I stand by my comment about the lifestyle being the nuclear bomb for your marriage based on what you wrote.

 

 

 

[PeterJ 957]

5 hours ago, AdamGunn2 said:

I'm going to present a different opinion from the ones above. It's not that they're not reasonable, but they seem to come at it from the standpoint of how to get you into swinging comfortably. If that's truly what you want, listen to their advice.

 

But I seem to feel you're being pushed into it, and you're resisting. You've pointed out a few reasons, one being you don't trust your husband to honor your feelings and emotions. And you're in therapy, AND marriage counseling.  I'd bring up swinging in these venues, talk to your therapists. I would imagine their opinion would be not to engage in swinging at this time. I'd listen to them.

 

Swinging isn't for everyone, even if it sounds like fun. It takes a tremendous amount of trust and self confidence.

@blueeyedbeauty I’m on the same page as @AdamGunn2. I know you say swinging is something you want to do, but the overall sense I get from everything you’ve written in your posts here is that, while you find the fantasy os swinging exciting, what you want is to please your husband. And you think you need to have sex with others to satisfy his needs.

 

I want to phrase the following remark carefully. The only view any of us here have of your husband is what you have told us. If I were a fly on the wall of your marriage I might well see him as a fine fellow. But what comes across to me from your posts and comments is that your husband is a narcissistic dick, focused on getting you to fulfill his fantasies and desires. 
 

As AdamGunn2 noted, "swinging isn’t for everyone." Indeed, by my observation, swinging turns out to be a lasting positive aspect of the lives of a very small portion of the public. But if you truly believe you want to pursue this, again as AdamGunn2 said, make this a major topic of your couples therapy. And if you also are in individual therapy, I recommend you make this subject a major topic.

 

I wish you and your husband a successful navigation of this challenging aspect of your life together.

[discreetplay 235]

1 hour ago, MrMrsswinger said:

Going along with this will be the end of your marriage

Mr Swinger has nailed this before. The tone and words you are using make this appear to be a horrendous idea.

 

As PeterJ said, you write like your husband isn't the nicest person. He sounds like he is aggressively pushing this and if you do it...he'll ask for more and more. I would think that pandora's box being opened would lead to you either going along with whatever he wants or giving up and letting him go solo. We don't know anything more than that. If there is even a little truth to the tone and language in your posts, swinging is not for you...and keep going to marriage counseling.

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

I told him if this is the life he wants, I love him enough to let him go so he can find someone to do this with. He says he doesn't want anyone else. He believes I will love it once I try it and I might...but I have to take it slow.

 

Thank you all so much for your replies. I will think about all of them.

[couplers 4,663]

23 hours ago, hunterdonNJcpl said:

It's fairly common among new, nervous newbies for the ladies to play together while the hubbies just watch - even if it's just a bit of foreplay -  then pairing back up with your respective partners for actual sex.

Some women, like me in the beginning, have no interest in sex with another woman.  What turned me on to my Lesbian side was actually watching my husband have sex with another woman then wanting to get my cum back.  Out of her vagina.  With my mouth.

 

I'm strange I guess. 

[lcmim 1,084]

1 hour ago, couplers said:

 

 

I'm strange I guess. 

REALLY?? 

I never would 've thunk it!!

 

You do realize that is part of your charm.

 

 

[Numex 2,420]

On 8/26/2024 at 5:23 AM, couplers said:

Talk to your husband about you going first and him not playing. 

That's how we started.  Daniela fucked two exes, separately, for a while then we started doing MFM as well, which was great, then we started couples swapping.  I suggested it because before Daniela met me and we got married and became monogamous, she had quite a sex life and I could tell that she missed it.

 

  

13 hours ago, couplers said:

Some women, like me in the beginning, have no interest in sex with another woman.

And some like mine were bi from the beginning.

Edited August 28 by Numex

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

I'll probably hold out honestly until he allows me to go first so I can get comfortable. He's the one turned by the idea of watching me. 

He cannot understand how I don't feel the same way. I'm not wired the way he is. I have no desire currently to see him with another woman. Maybe that will change in time but I honestly don't know. 

I would love to be more open but I'm not sure how to do that by just jumping in. I know I would not be okay unless I eased in slowly. I can see myself growing a lot once I get over the initial fear...but it's going to take a lot of work and tiny steps forward. 

[KatrinaandDriverX 101]

“She doth protest too much”.

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

Please elaborate. I protest too much? I'm want to get over my fear. Just not sure how.

[couplers 4,663]

21 hours ago, lcmim said:

You do realize that is part of your charm.

And i am told by men and women that my other charms are even stranger.

[couplers 4,663]

8 hours ago, blueeyedbeauty said:

I have no desire currently to see him with another woman. Maybe that will change in time

At first when it was just David, Red and me, I couldn't stand the thought of either of them with another woman.  I was and still am incredibly jealous. 

 

8 hours ago, blueeyedbeauty said:

I would love to be more open but I'm not sure how to do that by just jumping in. I know I would not be okay unless I eased in slowly.

For me, it happened all at once.  A girlfriend of mine and I were sort of talking about sex.  Nothing explicit, but she said how attractive my husband David was, and how nice it must be sleeping with him.  Without even thinking, the words came out of my mouth, "It can be arranged."  I went home and told David that I wanted him to fuck her.  He didn't complain and did.  I didn't watch because she didn't want me to.

 

It drove me crazy jealous (in a good way) and improved everything with my husband and things were good between me and her.  I acted cool.

 

So two things: I did it all at once and it was good, and it was under my control because I chose her (and the subsequent women).  Some of them let me watch and/or participate.  I still get jealous, but am now addicted to the feeling and how it enhances my relationships and sex.

Edited August 28 by couplers

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

I would be so worried a friend of mine would catch feelings. You are very brave cause I could never. 

I really truly want to overcome my insecurities. I just am not sure how. 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,397]

@blueeyedbeauty - i applaud you for not wanting to throw in the towel and give up on this altogether.

And we think as long as you are still willing to try it can work.

 

But of paramount importance is the generally accepted rule that, as the woman, you set the rules, you have final say over when, where and with whom. Any swinger couple here will agree that this is conventional swinger wisdom.

 

So before going any further please imagine a scenario that works for you and communicate this to your husband as non-negotiable terms.

 

Also, we would advise visiting a swing club for your first experience as opposed to trying to find acceptable matches online.  I don't think we would have ever got off the ground if we tried to find the perfect match online first.  And if you do visit a club, part of your rules should be no expectation of play.  If you're not feeling it then just chatting with folks and maybe a bit of watching is all that should be expected.

 

Know your power as a woman.  In the Lifestyle women hold all the power.

Edited August 28 by hunterdonNJcpl

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

We did go to our first swinger party last December. I wanted to continue to go, get to know people so I could get more comfortable. He shut down any further parties and said they were boring. He even told a couple we were chatting with that they weren't his thing. He said going forward we would only try to find couples online and I honestly was so angry. I ended up deleting every site we were on because I told him I would never do this that way. I can't do this that way. I'm not a "fuck on first meet" kinda girl. I need an emotional connection to the couple so I can build trust. Then we had a dinner arranged. I had cold feet because I absolutely did not want to have sex after a first dinner so I asked the couple how they felt about a few things. They were very kind and said they didn't really play in first dates usually anyways. Well he demanded after that convo that I had to tell them we are willing to fuck on a first date and I said absolutely not so at the last minute I canceled and said I was not ready. They were so gracious and said it was just going to be dinner which is all I wanted so my husband essentially ruined this for himself.

 

A lot transpired between them and now. I even left for a while questioning our marriage as a whole because he is usually so amazing, a great husband, provider, father...everything but this made me feel unloved.

 

But we started therapy together and I got therapy for myself. We've been working on things and he kept bringing it up and I said absolutely not after everything that's happened.

 

BUT we've been doing so much better. He's grown as well and I can see positive changes in him. He has admitted to his failures and how he pushed way too hard. He promised it will be different this time but I'm still waiting for that heartfelt apology he promised me. Once he does that I can begin to heal and move forward because it truly is something I want to try.

[MrMrsswinger 205]

3 hours ago, blueeyedbeauty said:

He promised it will be different this time

Yeah, I bet he did promise that. That's the standard mantra when one party has acted the fool. He may be 'amazing, a great husband, father' but when it comes to this topic, he is showing his true self, his impatience and not really hiding what he really wants...a way to not get crushed in a divorce while getting sex elsewhere. He needs you to come along because single males have no chance in the lifestyle (they're a dime a dozen). 

 

I'm curious how old you two are and how long you've been married.

 

Your last post was so eye opening. I'm sorry to say this, but either way, I think you should consult a divorce attorney. Step out of your shoes and into someone looking through independent eyes. He is pushing this, his way. You'd think someone whose wife is even contemplating the lifestyle would slow roll and hope you come around rather than push and push. I can tell you why he doesn't like swing parties...he wants to have sex with other women (only you know why - boredom, lack of excitement, who knows). At swinger parties, and even most club scenes, getting some isn't a guarantee. You have to have some game, be able to mingle and sell yourself, etc. Meeting through a website is easy. Chatting takes little effort - send a couple witty lines, exchange pictures, etc.  Following-up with a dinner with one couple doesn't require a lot of game or effort. Jumping straight to bed with that dinner couple is a quick way to get laid. The party and club scene is not.

 

So look at this...

Choice (1) you go along with how he wants - dinner meet-ups and first meet-up sex. Maybe it'll start with you two agreeing on one meeting a quarter but will quickly turn into once a month and then asking for every weekend. Your slower approach will collide with his ever growing desire to meet another couple, and another. Once you're in, he'll be on the website daily looking for another couple. "Look at this couple", "look at that couple". It'll wear on you and you'll eventually feel overwhelmed and want to stop. He won't. He's getting sex from different women rather easily via the website. Your intimacy only happens when there is another couple involved. The newness is what is exciting. Standard sex at home is no longer exciting.  He'll say, "You shouldn't have started if you didn't want to do this!" You'll respond, 'But we agreed on one meeting with one couple per quarter and now you want a meeting every weekend with multiple couples!" Collapse of the marriage.

 

Choice (2) you don't get the apology you want (if you do get this apology, refer to choice (1)). You say no more talking about entering the lifestyle. He gets resentful that it was dangled in front of him and taken away. The physical intimacy between you two fades away. He needs something new (probably the reason he wants to start swapping) and isn't getting it. Collapse of the marriage.

 

Also consider this...given his insistence on doing this how he wants and at his speed, do you believe that he'll hold to any rules you two set? For example, you say 'first time we're only doing soft swap'. If you guys end up with an experienced couple, there is a high likelihood that the separation will go farther than that. Heck, he wants someone new to have sex with and there it is, right in front of him. He's sitting there enjoying his part of the soft swap and the other woman works her way into his lap. Would your husband, the one pushing his way on you, stop a sexy naked woman who just gave him oral from climbing into his lap? Your husband's pressure campaign makes me wonder whether he'll stick with any rule you two agree to. When there is a naked woman wanting him...would he remember the rules? If so, would he abide  by them?

 

 

 

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

You are making an awful lot of assumptions for not knowing either of us. We have an amazing healthy sex life first of all. He's so much fun, we play a lot, and really enjoy each other in bed. Also this is not just about him. He wants to see me having sex with other men because he wants me pleasured in more ways than he can give me. I can only hope to aspire to the compersion I feel he has. 

 

Secondly he is not pushing me anymore. He did the first time around and it was an epic fail in his part. He realizes now that doing that will never allow an opportunity at this lifestyle. 

 

I'm sorry to say this but you sound very angry. I've given tidbits of my story and he is a good husband. He just got carried away. We are working through all of that. I'm not sure what else to say in response to what you've said because you have no idea how much he actually does respect me and how he shows me in other ways.

 

Yes he got carried away...but he never got anything he wanted from doing it that way. Time will prove to me how serious he is as we go at a snails pace. He's agreed to do all the things I've asked including listening to podcasts and learning from them then talking about them. He's agreed to go to clubs with no expectations. I do not believe for one second he's cross a major boundary again because he knows it will be the end of our marriage.

 

You are entitled to feel how you do about what you've read but you don't live within my marriage and just because he fucked up the first time does not mean he'll do it again. And if he does, I will walk away and that will allow him to find exactly what he's looking for. This is not just about him. He wants to do it together. He's made that very clear. He wants to watch me enjoy myself. That's the entire part that turns him on the most. 

[MrMrsswinger 205]

Sorry, I'm merely going off your posts. When you use the terms ' a lot of trauma', say you're in individual therapy and marriage counseling, and mention you 'left for awhile' questioning your marriage, I assume you mean those words. Those are pretty clear in their meaning.

 

I'm not angry at all. Everything I wrote in my last post is based on reality. "Choice (1)" is based on a couple in my neighborhood who did exactly what I wrote. Started slow but ramped up quickly, much more quickly than the wife wanted. The last part is also based on a real situation. Another couple from my neighborhood set specific rules. Yet, when involved, the rules were very difficult to stick with and were broken. Wife crossed a lie, husband couldn't handle it. I left out a lot of details as the stories are long but their situations followed what I wrote. Side note, we have quite a few swinger couples in the neighborhood, though the neighborhood is quite large so it isn't as nutty as that sounds.

 

I referred the male from one couple and the female from the other to a law school buddy who does family law. The male retained him while the female chose to retain a female attorney. 

 

No I don't live within your marriage. I never said I did. Sadly in my career I've seen a lot of relationships that crumbled and am just writing based on that experience, lifestyle experience and your posts. I only wish you and your husband the best. The lifestyle is quite fun. You meet a lot of wonderful people. It is quite difficult to get out because a major problem arises when one partner wants to back off and the other doesn't. When there is one partner who wants to go all in and the other is unsure, that potential issue is there.  

 

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

Thank you for clarifying as it is hard to understand tone sometimes through the written text.

 

I truly understand that people struggle with this. It's why I'm hesitant to begin with but I think if we approach it slowly and talk through everything, I may be able to jump fully on board. It's why I came here. It's nice to get so many different perspectives of the positives and negatives. 

 

That being said, I'm in no hurry and he's not hounding me every day like he used to. I told him where he needs to start so he will either grab the reigns and start looking for the clubs so we can have our first experiences there together or he doesn't. Either way I'm in the throws of learning again and reading a lot as I sort through my own feelings trying to manage my own insecurities. 

 

If I for any reason feel as though he cannot be trusted after trying out the voyeurism and such, I won't continue. I have asked him numerous times if this is something he needs to be happy because I will let him go to aquire his hearts desire...but he doesn't want to lose our marriage. He says he would pick our marriage over anything and his hope is that this would just enhance what we already share. I'm just not sure how bringing other people in does that. To me it feels like a time bomb waiting to happen but if I can overcome my insecurities which honestly will take more work on his part...then I do believe we could be successful and have a lot of fun. Only time will tell I suppose.

[couplers 4,663]

On 8/27/2024 at 8:22 PM, blueeyedbeauty said:

I have no desire currently to see him with another woman. Maybe that will change in time

What got me over that and actually wanting my guys have sex with other women was first, my desire to give back the pleasure and freedom of having more sexual partners than only me (despite being very open to let them both pull down my pants whenever they wanted for whatever they wanted). Second, I wanted to see how it would change them and the sex that they would have with me. I am very competitive, including physically, Getting my chance after another woman was super exciting. When some of the women let me watch, or participate and even be Lezzie with me, even better. And despite my fears, it really worked out well. 

 

On 8/27/2024 at 8:22 PM, blueeyedbeauty said:

I would love to be more open but I'm not sure how to do that by just jumping in. I know I would not be okay unless I eased in slowly.

You can work your way into it slowly by mentally preparing, thinking it through, planning. But then like bungee jumping or going into the cold plunge, when you are ready, you go with your confidence and do it.

[Juan234 18]

Hi BlueEyedBeauty.

 

The swingers’ adage of “never go faster than the slowest person” applies. 
 

What entices you about the lifestyle?  For example, would it be to connect with another couple to the degree that you can share intimate details while keeping it platonic?  Or is it going super slow to where any quad courtship would last 6-24 months?  In the latter, it may weed out jerks and ensure commitment and longevity. 

 

My wife is similar to you.  We too had a close encounter and when she started dreading I stopped it, mostly from remembering the advice I read here.  So I sympathize highly.  If anything, you guys would be the perfect couple for us.  I am not trying to ”pick you up” at all.  What I am trying to say, is that there may be a couple out there for you with a similar background.  The wife would be wanting it slow at best too.  Imagine you and the wife having a laugh about your horny husbands, blowing it off, and then going to do yoga together or walks while the guys go watch a boxing match.  Then it would be more of a double date after that.   If you post on your LS profile what is on your mind, in essence you could even copy your first post above, if you ever decide to move forward, it would hopefully bring forth a couple or at least a wife that explicitly wants what you want, whether that be romance and slow, restricted, or no sex, as the chips may fall.  

 

Have you discussed a MFM scenario with your husband?   He seems to want to watch and you dread the thought of him with someone else…. I am just curious how committed to this he may still be. 
 

And good for you for establishing clear boundaries.  He should adore you not come across as if he was trying to push/sell/undervalue. There is a fine line of managing the perception between the two concepts.  I am glad you have a healthy relationship despite that. 
 

There is an interview with Brandi Love and Chris Potoski, her husband, about their discovery of the lifestyle.  She was terrified of losing her husband.  So on their first time, she played with the other couple and her husband just watched.  At least that was the plan, and he is an honorable guy. 
 

Good luck with wherever your journey takes or does not take you. 
 

 

[Juan234 18]

I found the Brandi and Chris interview on Youtube. You can Google it. It is entitled: “Couplesclick TV segment FIRST COUPLE”

 

It is part of their LS series on Youtube.

[Juan234 18]

Here it is:

 

[justaswingin69 2]

First of all, if the first time you tried was enough trauma to send you to counseling and he is still pressuring you, he is not the person you should be spending your life with. If YOU actually WANT to swing, but are just nervous, then that's a different story. Me and my wife have been swinging for about 3 years. She still gets nervous every time. To combat this, me and the other male usually  let the girls start and we just watch. This tends to get them past the nerves and we join in when they are ready. Sometimes, the women are having so much fun together, we dont even bother joining in and just enjoy the view.

[Numex 2,420]

8 hours ago, Juan234 said:

The swingers’ adage of “never go faster than the slowest person” applies. 

Yes, and let the slower person play while you don't so they don't need to worry about what ever may be troubling him/her about their spouse doing anything.

Edited October 27 by Numex

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

On 10/27/2024 at 9:52 AM, Juan234 said:

Hi BlueEyedBeauty.

 

The swingers’ adage of “never go faster than the slowest person” applies. 
 

What entices you about the lifestyle?  For example, would it be to connect with another couple to the degree that you can share intimate details while keeping it platonic?  Or is it going super slow to where any quad courtship would last 6-24 months?  In the latter, it may weed out jerks and ensure commitment and longevity. 

 

My wife is similar to you.  We too had a close encounter and when she started dreading I stopped it, mostly from remembering the advice I read here.  So I sympathize highly.  If anything, you guys would be the perfect couple for us.  I am not trying to ”pick you up” at all.  What I am trying to say, is that there may be a couple out there for you with a similar background.  The wife would be wanting it slow at best too.  Imagine you and the wife having a laugh about your horny husbands, blowing it off, and then going to do yoga together or walks while the guys go watch a boxing match.  Then it would be more of a double date after that.   If you post on your LS profile what is on your mind, in essence you could even copy your first post above, if you ever decide to move forward, it would hopefully bring forth a couple or at least a wife that explicitly wants what you want, whether that be romance and slow, restricted, or no sex, as the chips may fall.  

 

Have you discussed a MFM scenario with your husband?   He seems to want to watch and you dread the thought of him with someone else…. I am just curious how committed to this he may still be. 
 

And good for you for establishing clear boundaries.  He should adore you not come across as if he was trying to push/sell/undervalue. There is a fine line of managing the perception between the two concepts.  I am glad you have a healthy relationship despite that. 
 

There is an interview with Brandi Love and Chris Potoski, her husband, about their discovery of the lifestyle.  She was terrified of losing her husband.  So on their first time, she played with the other couple and her husband just watched.  At least that was the plan, and he is an honorable guy. 
 

Good luck with wherever your journey takes or does not take you. 
 

 

He will not do a MFM until I go in and full swap. He doesn't want to sit on the sidelines is my assumption. He wants to play too. I told him I'm fully ready to do an MFM because then I do not have to worry about a woman at first. But he's not open to it at all until after. And honestly it speaks volumes to me. Not really in a good way either.

 

I appreciate your response a lot. We still have not done a thing. I did get the heartfelt apology on our family vacation. It was beautiful and really hit the heart strings. I never thought I'd get it to be honest. 

 

That being said, we were going to go to a Halloween party and then again he decided he didn't want to go. The reasons don't matter but I was disappointed because I want to try again. 

 

He wants to talk about it every day. I don't. I'm still working through feelings of "hell yes let's do this!" To "am I really ready?" 

 

I think I'll get there but it will be in my own on my own time. It's frustrating because I feel he's more into sexual swinging. I want social swinging. So it may never work for us. I can't just hook up with people. I need some kind of connection to even think about wanting to share my body.

 

It sure sounds like you have a lot of respect and understanding for your wife. It's commendable. I know my husband loves me, but he's not an emotional man. That's the part making it hard. But we are working on it.

 

Maybe it will happen one day...but maybe it won't. Either way I don't really care at this point...and I definitely will not do anything I'm not fully on board for.

[Numex 2,420]

On 8/27/2024 at 9:04 PM, KatrinaandDriverX said:

“She doth protest too much”.

Methinks.

[Numex 2,420]

On 8/28/2024 at 7:57 AM, blueeyedbeauty said:

I would be so worried a friend of mine would catch feelings. You are very brave cause I could never. 

I really truly want to overcome my insecurities. I just am not sure how. 

My wife is in love with another couple that we play with. She sees them/him often and they exchange "I love you," in front of me. It doesn't bother me at all. Daniela is married to me, we share a home and child together and after whatever she does with him/them, she comes home to me. It also gives me a sense of pride and security that another man (and his wife) loves her and he doesn't just see Daniela as another pussy to fuck and push aside.  Most importantly, other people loving her so deeply is the best insurance if anything should happen to me. Yeah, I have life insurance but there are other people who have "feelings" for my wife as well. 

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

You sound like a very good man. A very selfless man. Mine seems to only want this if he's doing it too...which to an extent I understand...but this journey is teaching me a lot about myself and my boundaries. Who knows if we'll ever play at this rate. I don't think my husband has this kind of selflessness in him to actually allow me to grow comfortable by playing first...to see that is all going to be okay. 

But your love for your wife is beautiful.

[Numex 2,420]

On 11/1/2024 at 7:25 AM, blueeyedbeauty said:

But your love for your wife is beautiful.

Thank you, but I couldn't see being any other way. I knew from her past that Daniela likes, wants, needs sex and relationships with other men and women, so I was aware of what I needed to do to make her happy. It took two years for me to get up the courage to tell her that I would be happy if she no longer wanted to be monogamous, but I would remain so. Women have the advantage that they have the capacity for much more sex than a man, and she never made me feel cheated, deprived or left out, even when she was seeing other men alone. Our journey to joining other couples for mutually swapping bound us closer together. May things go well for you, both in your marriage and pure enjoyment of sex.

[blueeyedbeauty 16]

Thank you. I'm not sure I'll ever cross the threshold but I'm hoping I can make that leap when I'm ready.