As a swinger has your perspective on sex change when it comes to "the talk" with your kids

[sweetcadcouple 40]

Different people have different options when it comes to "the talk" and weather they should tell their kids that they are swingers.
 

Our daughter was 7 when we enter the swingers lifestyle back in 2010. We knew at the time she was too young to know what was what. But during the early days me and her father made a pact on telling her the truth when we felt that she was ready.
 

The first real talk was when she had her first period when she was 12 when she started grade 6. it went pretty well overall.
The next big sex talk was when she started grade 7, the beginning of Jr high (high school). This time we got into the serious talk. Me and her father felt it was time to talk to her about sex and teach her how to put on a condoms. We wanted her to be ready no matter what her age was. We taught her how to put 1 on on a banana. We keep at it for a good month on teaching her. We made her carry a pack in her purse, because me and her father knew that most boys do not.
Her first high-school boyfriend was when she was 14. He was also 14. She did her first kiss with him and that. We let them go out on  movie dates and lunch dates. Nothing too wild. Normal 14 year old stuff. Then one day she ask me about sex and how will i know i am ready. I told her " Only you will know that. No one else. Do it when you think you are ready. Do not let any person pressure you." Soon after that sex talk they broke up. Their Spring/Summer fling was over. Back to her studies and having fun with her friends. Normal girls stuff.
 

At 15 was when she really change.  Still we have not told her about are secret lifestyle. One day she forgot to close her computer close. I was surprised to see porn on it different category from Hentai to Oral to lesbian to group stuff. Given her age and to think that girls her age do not watch it. So I talk her her father about it and agree it time for a new "talk"  So after school me and her dad had a whole new talk and to ask her if she has "done it" and ask her what she thinks about porn sex. We explain that yes porn may be a good teaching tool to some, but porn is all fake and it doesn't represent real sex. But if you think that your gay (lesbian) we will still love you. We will always be there for you. She told us no to both, She was still a virgin and no she was not into girls. She was just curious of the whole thing.
Also during all this talk we ask her to promise us not to do any sexthing, and explain that once it there it there forever and also it is very very illegal.
 

2 month after her 15th birthday she was dating a new boyfriend.  Again the same age more or less, just 10 month different. Her second real high-school boyfriend and first boyfriend that she went on a school dance with. Almost a year later they were still dating. Then that day happen somewhere between the school valentine dance and her 16 birthday, she did "it". 
While we did not know at the time, she only told us after. She only told us a few weeks later.
We hug her and talk to her about it and how she felt. We were happy that she came to us and be honest to us. It was a big step for her and for ourselves as parents. Still at that point we did not feel it was right to tell her that we are swingers.
But during that talk, we told her that will will give her permission to have sex at our place as long as you have good grades. Was it the best decision, not sure at the time but we wanted her to be safe and that. So for most weekend her and her boyfriend would come over. After 3 months or so, they broke up. Soon after she find herself a new boyfriend and they had sex.
 

Now another year has pass, and now she was 17 (2020). Me and her father were planning to go to Hedo. So we plan to finally tell her the truth. After our vacation. But as many of you all are aware what happen in 2020, Covid happen. We had other things in our mind. We all knew we had to do our part, if we like it or not. All vacation were put on hold.  And the truth of our lifestyle will be delay again for a while.
As the government told us try to limit are contacts as must as possible. We follow the rules as much as possible, all 3 of us also help my parents and in-laws ( her grandparents) and she was practicing  how to drive, so she was keeping herself busy. Then mid-summer of 2020 she ask us a somewhat unexpected request. She ask us if I could buy her a sex toy over at Amazon. She showed us which one and that. Giving that people are no longer meeting and that and she had zero contact with her friends other Facetime and messenger. She told us that needed some sexual fun. Me and her father knew that she was stress out a lot during the early days. And maybe buying her a toys would leave out some tension in her. Again, was it the best decision, not sure at the time but we wanted her to be happy. So we got one for her. And she was happy.
 

For the next few months we all gotten used to the new reality of Covid and it stuck but we understood and saw people getting sick and that. As we all got are first shots in May of 2021 and the flip-flops of government rules we let our daughter taker part of the out door graduation and more freedom of the rules. As long as her friends got the shot we would let her be with them.
During that time we and my husband still have not done any swinging for the past year and half, so we still delay on tell her about are lifestyle.
 

And by Christmas holiday of 2022 the truth came out as my post stated from January 2022.
 

So like many  people here everyone has different options when it come to "the talk". Like people have said " There no right or wrong way to talk about sex to your kids or that you swing. You've got two options. Either you tell them or not. It is your choice.
 

I believe we did the right thing as much as humanly as possible as parents about talking about sex and that.
 

Our daughter since coming out to us telling us that she is bi and being a swinger herself  , we notice, she has become more confident on her sexuality and on herself. And that the most important thing, is our daughter happiest and well being.

Thank you for your time in reading this long post
 

[couplers 4,640]

Thank you so much for posting.  There have been times when I wanted to ask similar questions and seek similar advice, but was hesitant because of the subject matter.  I read this post and reread the earlier one that you referenced, but want to read them again more carefully before I ask questions or discuss.

 

Overall, however, your post is very thoughtful and there is nothing that I disagree with.  Our situation is somewhat different in that being in a poly family, everyone, including our children, know what's up at a certain level. 

 

Thanks again, and I look forward to a closer reading of your writings. 

[sweetcadcouple 40]

18 hours ago, sweetcadcouple said:

And by Christmas holiday of 2022 the truth came out as my post stated from January 2022.
 

Made a small mistake, meant to say Christmas holiday of 2021, The post I made was in January 2022.

I wish there edit button would stay longer for mistake like this.

Edited September 3 by sweetcadcouple

[reveur 60]

... No, our kids didn't know about our lifestyle and we always keep it a secret.

But our children all received sex education, depending on their age, in a simple understanding text. When they were between 15 and 18, the topics were specific, for example contraception, illnesses, sexual orientation, homosexuality...

We don't think the children know what we do, we rarely have parties at home, only when they are with their grandparents for the weekend. We go to other couples or clubs, we always tell them that we are going to friends.

[couplers 4,640]

I have finally read your opening post and the entire thread several times as well as the end of 2021 / beginning of 2022 thread and have a number of thoughts, some of which has been implemented, some is the plan as the kids grow older.

·        I have had similar questions, concerns and thoughts, but never thought that I should raise them here on the SwingersBoard for two reasons.  First, it seemed to me that most people who have gotten into the lifestyle are older with children who have reached adulthood and already left, so they’re not interested in the topic.  I am glad that I was wrong.  Second, I worry (am quite paranoid, actually) that it takes only one person in the Department of Children and Families to track folks like us and take some action.  I worry despite thriving children with acceptance and support from neighbors, schools, doctors…  So I am reluctant to post on the topic, despite it being very relevant to us.

·        It is not a question for us whether to disclose the fact that we (five adults in our family) are in the lifestyle as polyamorous.  We live it every day and the evidence is our children.  The kids know that they have biological parents, but all the children are our children.  They accept it and do view themselves as being lucky to have all of us taking care of them.  And although we are very conservative in the physical affection that we adult show each other in front of the children, they know as much as other children their age the degree to which we adults are romantically involved.

·        The most important lesson I see teaching our children as they become sexually aware is that it is natural for people to be sexually attracted to and possibly in love with more than one person.  Each of us, however, needs to decide for themselves how to deal with those attractions.  We mothers and fathers (David, Red, Clair, Lora, and Petra) have decided to be together, to have and raise children together.  And yes, we do sometimes see other people who we are attracted to but don’t love.  You children must decide for yourselves as you grow up how you will handle your attractions and love.  Many other people will try to tell you what you should do, but you must decide along with those who you are attracted to and those who you love the life that you will lead.  And your beliefs and goals may change along the way.

·        However you decide to live your romantic life (I use this word to encompass everything from casual sex to devoted love), you need to be honest with those with whom you are involved, i.e. cheating is wrong.  It is best to be upfront about your philosophy.  If you are seeking only casual sex, say so in the beginning.  If you are looking for a spouse with whom to build a family, say so.  If you are looking for a spouse but expect the freedom to act in some way on other sexual attractions, discuss it when the topic of sex first comes up.  It is better to find true love resulting from a casual relationship than to try to open up a devoted relationship after things are tied down.

·        If you want to pleasure yourself, be private and considerate.  Clean up after yourself.  Daughters: If you want to experiment with any toys, talk with any of you parents and we will get you what you want.

 

·        If you want to watch porn, you can, we will log you on if needed.  But it is limited to one hour per week and only on weekends.  Remember, porn is mostly crazy fake stuff.  You may find things that interest you, but not everything is normal with everyone.

·        Sex will affect you, it affects us all, in strange and powerful ways.  Sex is nature’s way of tricking you into reproducing.  That is the beauty of it; that is the danger of it.  Mistaking sexual attraction and sex for love is a mistake almost everyone makes.  Stop before you act and think – is this something that you want to do or is it something that you may regret later?  Jealousy, yours or another person’s, can be emotionally explosive.  If it seems uncontrolled, it is a problem.

·        Sons and daughters: Here are condoms in case you act on your desires and feelings.  Daughters: If you expect to have sex or are having sex, please talk to anyone of your parents about getting on reliable birth control that doesn’t require you to think about it in the moment and permits full satisfaction.  Sons: If you girlfriend need transportation to Planned Parenthood, let us know and we will pay for it.  She can act on her own, but we are not her parents and cannot arrange it.

·        Sons and daughters: When you have sex, you can have it at home.  But like masturbation, it is private.  Be considerate of others.  Lock the door clean up thoroughly after yourselves.  If you are having sex elsewhere, be sure it is a place that is private and under your control.  Trouble and embarrassment can result from intimacies in front of others.

·        There are diseases associated with the intimacy of sex.  It is your responsibility to avoid health problems associated with sex.  More partners means more risk.

·        It’s ok to be attracted to, have sex with, fall in love with someone of the same sex.  Realize, however, that those feelings may not be returned.

We also thought that it was a good to add the rule mentioned above:

·        Not to do any sexting, and explain that once it there it there forever and also it is very very illegal.

Thoughts and comments are appreciated.

[sweetcadcouple 40]

On 9/11/2024 at 9:04 AM, couplers said:

 

I am surprised that there hasn't been more people that have come out and talk about this subject.
 

You have both valid reasons why people way not wanna come out here and talk about it.
A good portion of people have started after the kids leave home and the other in asking the wrong kind of question because it might cause someone to call Department of Children.

Your lifestyle is different than most people here as well since your lifestyle is polyamorous. So I do not know how your kids grew up in it, and what there school life was like for them.
 

We felt bad during her  early/mid teens years that we lied to her about our lifestyle. We didn't know have to come out to her. We were even too afraid to ask are best friends in the lifestyle about it, since the talk about kids rarely came up. Yes they been friends with us since 2010 and we all had BBQ with one another but nether of us ever ask advance about telling our kids.
 

So, during her early and late teens we felt that it was common sense in teaching her how to put on a condom. Talking about her period, common sense , being there when she needed to talk about her first time, common sense.
We try using common sense things when it came to "the talks"
 

The only real hard part that we face during her teens years was that time when we had the porn talk, we were ignorant in thinking that girls in that age do not watch porn. It was hard to explain to her about what normal and fake about it. This was probably the closest thing that we came about reviling that we were swingers at this point.