UPDATE* A Tale of Two Swingers

[Nicky1234 1]

Thank you to those who commented on my post. As I mentioned before, I was raised in an ultra conservative family. Think: God and Country. I got married young. My husband was the only person I have had sex with until we attended swinger events. We both learned how to please each other by trial. So, our world is very tiny you could say. I took the advice I was given to heart. Over diner last night I brought up some key points about him not wanting to go to swinger clubs anymore. I wish I could say it was a success. But it went horribly wrong. I guess, horribly wrong is an understatement. He literally blew up. I asked him why he was so upset. And why he didn’t tell me his feelings. Here’s the thing, he said. He’s scared I wanted the other guy more than him. He even hinted that I might move in with a complete stranger. His anger and accusations made me so mad. I told him “I would never do that.” Then he said, “but you’ll open your legs to the first guy you meet.” That totally hurt me. I said, “you did too” he said “yeah, because you do it.”  So he was insecure about the whole thing. He said he didn’t like what I was becoming. He lost respect for me. Of course I started crying. I felt like I was living in my parents house again. He did a play by play of how I orgasmed with another man. He said I came too fast. Which is true. I think maybe a few seconds, I’m not sure. Which to him means I like the other guy more than him. I like his dick he told me. He then cornered me and asked if I would sleep with that guy again. I would. But I didn’t answer the question, I just kept staring at him. Then he said, “your lack of response is all I needed to know.”  I said “that’s not fair, what about you. You came too.” He gave the other woman an oral orgasm and then came into her. I had a different experience. I was happy for him. He seemed into it. He seemed into everything we were doing. He came plenty. My thinking was, we both are having so much fun together. It was hot. He said I screamed “oh fuck,” several times before orgasming. I don’t even remember that. I mean, I guess I did. He said my orgasms never sound that way with him. He said I’m usually quiet. He then wanted details about the man’s penis. I smirked. Honestly, I was almost about to laugh. Which really infuriated him. If looks could kill kind of thing. I was blindfolded, so I can’t tell every detail. I mean I could feel that it wasn’t my husband penis inside me. That I knew for sure. The other man had more girth and sometimes it felt like he was hitting my cervix. It was uncomfortable at times, until I moved my body to get more comfortable. I wasn’t used to that length. But other than that. That’s how it felt. I couldn’t feel every vein and the head. That’s what my husband thinks. He thinks I could feel every detail of the man’s penis.  The other man just hit different points inside me. I did cum fast because it was exciting and bad girl stuff. My mom always said good girls do this and good girls do that. You have to wear good girl undies. It’s really fucked up. He really hurt me by treating like I was a slut. It’s something my mom made me feel like. It’s so heated right now, I’m not sure what to do. To be fair, it was his idea in the first place. Now he’s treating me like a slut. He took mental note of everything I did. He even accused me of acting like a whore. When we go to these events I get naked in the play areas. At first I was so embarrassed to be naked in front of people. But now I’m not. He says all these guys check me out and I seem to enjoy it. I guess that part is true. My husband doesn’t realize most woman scrutinize their bodies no matter how pretty they are. It was exciting to get a that lot attention. My thought is: what’s the point of having clothes when you’re just going to take them off. Now, we’re not talking to each other. I think we need counseling to unpack all this. What my husband doesn’t realize is he ruined this for the both of us. I won’t do this kind of thing anymore. Even if he wants to. I don’t care. Because all I’ll be thinking is how to control my orgasms or try to be quite or whatever my husbands thinks I should do to make him feel comfortable. And what’s worse is now I’ll be monitoring our sex life, which I never did before all because of his insecurities. I’m completely blindsided by all of this. I saw my husband in a different light last night. And now I’ve lost respect for him. I can’t say anymore, 

Nicky. 

[zonaboy801 38]

Sorry to hear. Yes, counseling is the next step. Maybe he'll never be ready to swing. Maybe he'll learn to appreciate the different experiences swinging offers. Either way, a professional can bring the issues out and help you find a mutually acceptable way forward. Good luck!

[happywinger27 0]

15 hours ago, Nicky1234 said:

Thank you to those who commented on my post. As I mentioned before, I was raised in an ultra conservative family. Think: God and Country. I got married young. My husband was the only person I have had sex with until we attended swinger events. We both learned how to please each other by trial. So, our world is very tiny you could say. I took the advice I was given to heart. Over diner last night I brought up some key points about him not wanting to go to swinger clubs anymore. I wish I could say it was a success. But it went horribly wrong. I guess, horribly wrong is an understatement. He literally blew up. I asked him why he was so upset. And why he didn’t tell me his feelings. Here’s the thing, he said. He’s scared I wanted the other guy more than him. He even hinted that I might move in with a complete stranger. His anger and accusations made me so mad. I told him “I would never do that.” Then he said, “but you’ll open your legs to the first guy you meet.” That totally hurt me. I said, “you did too” he said “yeah, because you do it.”  So he was insecure about the whole thing. He said he didn’t like what I was becoming. He lost respect for me. Of course I started crying. I felt like I was living in my parents house again. He did a play by play of how I orgasmed with another man. He said I came too fast. Which is true. I think maybe a few seconds, I’m not sure. Which to him means I like the other guy more than him. I like his dick he told me. He then cornered me and asked if I would sleep with that guy again. I would. But I didn’t answer the question, I just kept staring at him. Then he said, “your lack of response is all I needed to know.”  I said “that’s not fair, what about you. You came too.” He gave the other woman an oral orgasm and then came into her. I had a different experience. I was happy for him. He seemed into it. He seemed into everything we were doing. He came plenty. My thinking was, we both are having so much fun together. It was hot. He said I screamed “oh fuck,” several times before orgasming. I don’t even remember that. I mean, I guess I did. He said my orgasms never sound that way with him. He said I’m usually quiet. He then wanted details about the man’s penis. I smirked. Honestly, I was almost about to laugh. Which really infuriated him. If looks could kill kind of thing. I was blindfolded, so I can’t tell every detail. I mean I could feel that it wasn’t my husband penis inside me. That I knew for sure. The other man had more girth and sometimes it felt like he was hitting my cervix. It was uncomfortable at times, until I moved my body to get more comfortable. I wasn’t used to that length. But other than that. That’s how it felt. I couldn’t feel every vein and the head. That’s what my husband thinks. He thinks I could feel every detail of the man’s penis.  The other man just hit different points inside me. I did cum fast because it was exciting and bad girl stuff. My mom always said good girls do this and good girls do that. You have to wear good girl undies. It’s really fucked up. He really hurt me by treating like I was a slut. It’s something my mom made me feel like. It’s so heated right now, I’m not sure what to do. To be fair, it was his idea in the first place. Now he’s treating me like a slut. He took mental note of everything I did. He even accused me of acting like a whore. When we go to these events I get naked in the play areas. At first I was so embarrassed to be naked in front of people. But now I’m not. He says all these guys check me out and I seem to enjoy it. I guess that part is true. My husband doesn’t realize most woman scrutinize their bodies no matter how pretty they are. It was exciting to get a that lot attention. My thought is: what’s the point of having clothes when you’re just going to take them off. Now, we’re not talking to each other. I think we need counseling to unpack all this. What my husband doesn’t realize is he ruined this for the both of us. I won’t do this kind of thing anymore. Even if he wants to. I don’t care. Because all I’ll be thinking is how to control my orgasms or try to be quite or whatever my husbands thinks I should do to make him feel comfortable. And what’s worse is now I’ll be monitoring our sex life, which I never did before all because of his insecurities. I’m completely blindsided by all of this. I saw my husband in a different light last night. And now I’ve lost respect for him. I can’t say anymore, 

Nicky. 

Who first suggested swinging ? you or your husband? 

[Juan234 12]

On 9/15/2024 at 2:17 AM, happywinger27 said:

Who first suggested swinging ? you or your husband? 

“To be fair, it was his idea in the first place.”

 

I am curious why you were blindfolded.  
 

I agree therapy with an ethical non-monogamy (ENM) sensitive therapist should be your base and top priority.  They will help your communication.  
 

Some sayings in the Lifestyle include to not go faster than the slowest person, that communication is the most important thing, etc.  As he slowly redeems how much you love him, things will improve.  You had childhood hangups that you are trying to get out of your system. He was headed in that direction but then freaked out.  It is as if he wants you to think about him every second instead of thinking about it from a compersion standpoint. 
 

I could say a lot more but it is a journey for you two to take as a couple.  Read a few books, then talk about jealousy and hopefully “unlearn” it.  For example, “Opening Up” is well accepted and has a section on jealousy. While it is happening, there is not a lot of space to discuss what may appear to be a double standard.

 

Good luck. 

[couplers 4,461]

You have received advice from people more qualified to give it than me, but may I add:

●

4 hours ago, Juan234 said:

Some sayings in the Lifestyle include to not go faster than the slowest person

... or rather, things need not be symmetric between (or among) spouses and/or play partners.  If you feel comfortable with it, allow your husband to go ahead of you by perhaps him having full intercourse while you engage only in soft play or oral.

 

● Once harnessed, jealousy can be an addictive turn-on.  Many couples here have "reclaiming sex" after watching the one they love having sex with other people.

 

I was jealous of the thought of either my husband or my boyfriend having sex with another woman, even though both were ok with me being with both of them and were monogamous with me.  (It did motivate me to give them whatever sex they wanted, as much as they wanted, whenever they asked.)  After two years I snapped and let them play.  The jealousy is still there, but it is now my toy, something my mind plays with.

 

If your husband can get past the negatives, he will find all those thoughts and emotions will be positives in his relationship with you. 

 

 

Edited Tuesday at 12:30 PM by couplers

[MrMrsswinger 200]

Just going by your post, you're well down the road to splitting. If what you say is accurate, and I'm well aware we don't have your husband's side of this, I don't see how you get back to where you were prior to opening up your bedroom.

 

I agree counseling is where to go, quickly, but again, how do you get back to a place where your husband doesn't mentally go back to that experience when you do something like you did then? How do you enjoy sex with him when you're worried about making sounds, moving to a position, etc that will set him off?

 

I wish you the best. Some guys think seeing their wife with another guy is hot....until they do.