Moving forward yes or no?

[Dutchie 0]

Dear all,

First of all, thanks for the wisdom spread from the users on this forum. 
Secondly, excuse for my maybe not so typical English writing, as I'm from Europe and English isn't my first language.

Warning for the long read.

 Me and my wife are together now for 18 years. She (35) and me (40), have 3 kids and have lived a 'normal vanilla' life.
Both me and her come from an athlete background, and always aim to push the limit a bit higher if that makes sense. You could call us thrillseekers.

Now back to a year ago, when I expressed a fantasy of mine to my girl , how I would like to add some spice to our bedroom and that my go to fantasy was actually seeing her with another male. This has been in my mind for quite some years before, but never had the guts or energy (remember former athlete), to express that fantasy.
I did it though because the thrust in my wife, and the thrust in us is good. She has always been rock solid, and never draw outside the lines.

She was a bit surprised, and not directly 100% on board, but soon after she got the hang of the idea and like to move forward and also try it out.
My wife is a 'do-er', I'm the 'thinker'. She just likes to try things out on feeling. Do it, fail or succeed, learn from it and move forward. 
Where I am someone who thinks everything through, and look at things from different perspectives.

We went out soon after I expressed my fantasy to a club in another country, there she actually made out with a women. (super hot, and unexpected she was up for this from my side)
She than went to, 'I would actually like to know more of this', and rather spice things up with a female. Which I'm down for to try out as well (I guess which male isn't..?).
I also let her explore outside of us via apps to try 1 on 1 with a female.
She had some dates, but to this date never went further than some kissing.

We went on an app called 'Feeld' to find a third online, we than heard of the Unicorn thing soon, and found out that is not so easy to find a female as a third.
A male however..
She than starting chatting away with a guy not far from where we live, she liked the chats they had, and soon we went to come together and meet.
All ok the first time, but nothing happened. They chatted away some more, I was also 'fine' with them to meet for lunch 1 on 1 after that first meeting. (after some doubts from my side).
Another note I have to make is that she also last year is changing, it already started a bit before I expressed to spice things up. On personal growth/what do I want with live etc.
She doesn't have much friends, and would like to add some people in her life outside the family/momlife. Which I only motivate to search for, and take some time by herself as well.

Than we had another dinner, where we beforehand talked on if we want to proceed this evening in the bedroom. She said it was up to me to decide, as she was down to just try it out.
During dinner, I had my mind made up, I didn't like him enough to proceed into sex (focused more on her + just general feeling from him).
But did want to see what it did to me, if it could turn me on if there would be some kissing and touching. And who knows than more.. 
 So we did, and tried, but it just didn't do much to me (no hot feeling/no jaelousy)
They both looked dissapointed.

After I told her, that I was sorry and prefer to look further.

Soon after that I found out she was texting with another phone with him behind my back. I got a bit crazy, and didn't thrust this at all.
As far as I know, the contact stopped there. And she said it was nothing, and just chatting about nothing. But just liked him as a normal friend, and wasn't interested in anything more. I beleive(d) her. And said I'm sorry but being friendly with him, doesn't feel right to me. 

 

Shortly after we decided this was not for us, and went back to normal life, were we where also busy moving houses and being mom and dad next to work.
We kept on fantasising about threesomes (both M or F joining) in bed, but nothing more than that. 

Half a year after we almost had the threesome, we went to a festival closeby.
Just before this,and long story short, my wife expressed she wants to see more from me as an husband and father and that she misses a bit of connection between us.
I took all with a heavy heart, we had some arguments. But also could see her points, on where to improve for her and the family in general. 
And also said she has to express herself better to me, cause it's a 2-way thing, which she also agreed up on. 

Anyway, we went to the festival. And we where both going to a different artist at the same time, and I don´t know why but I had a bit of an ´off´ feeling from my girl.
When I went to search for her, to find her having a laugh with the guy from the almost threesome. I went nuts, almost attacked the guy, and went away saying she had to choose.
I know to overrate stuff in my head, but couldn´t handle seeing them together, but mostly she went behind my back to meet up with him (I found out after as she told me).
She also told me it was just this, and that she didn't tell because I know I would be not happy about it. But she wants to have her own live and likes him as a friend, and has no intention at all to make it sexual as that is not what I want.
She said sorry for the dick move going behind my back and understands, and doesn't really know the reason but she 'just did'.

 

Soon after the concert we had a lot of long chats, even saw a therapist together, and grew to each other again. I can really say we are in this together and good again.

 

We also chatted about our fantasies again, and take it into practice again. It came from her now, I was a bit hesitant at first.
But moving forward we are good, and I also like the idea of sharing the bed together again. So back to Feeld, with some chats left and rights, but nothing serious yet.

 

My question is : Do you guys think we are ready to move forward with this?
What do you guys think about her wanting to be friends with the 'almost threesome' guy now?

Should I be fine with that? Or can I give a hard 'no' to have contact with him.
 

Sorry for the long read, and almost relationship topic, but felt to give an overal picture might be good..

 

 

 

 

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[enhancer 1,586]

Not a chance of moving forward if it were me!  She lied to you about talking behind your back with guy from almost threesome and then 6 months later lies again and meets him behind your back when you are out.  What makes you think they were not in contact in between that time?  I would most definitely be concerned about that.  That is not good communication and a great big red flag that this lifestyle could be a bad idea in regards to your relationship status.  Fix your relationship together before bringing others into it or risk losing it.

[PeterJ 959]

22 hours ago, Dutchie said:

My question is : Do you guys think we are ready to move forward with this?
What do you guys think about her wanting to be friends with the 'almost threesome' guy now?

Should I be fine with that? Or can I give a hard 'no' to have contact with him.

I’m assuming you’ve accurately described your real-world situation and this isn’t a "hypothetical" post. 
 

My short answer to your long post? You moving forward would be insane. It appears your wife has moved forward already, and without you.😉

[couplers 4,706]

6 hours ago, PeterJ said:

It appears your wife has moved forward already, and without you.

For some guys that is ok, even the point.  

[KatrinaandDriverX 118]

It's rarely the infidelity that bothers someone as much as the lying.  Then, whatever truth you find, know the reality is ten times more extensive. 

 

Irrational behavior takes many forms. you have to remember, because it's irrational, it never makes sense.

 

Once a woman approached me saying, we could just have a one time affair. I replied that I was pretty sure she had at least two affairs going on right now. Never spoke to me again. I was good with that.

 

As far as you being 'fine' with everything. You already are.  All the questions you posed are ones you already know the answers to . Now, you have to understand it.