Advice needed - unequal swinging relationship

[MHS 0]

Hi,

 

New here, so be gentle with me. I am relatively new to swinging (first ever sex club was in July this year), and I’m facing a situation right that I don’t know a) how to feel about it and b) whether this is a normal/every day kind of occurrence in the Lifestyle. So I would really appreciate some advice from people who have maybe been in the lifestyle longer and can provide some sensible view points.

 

Bit of background, I started using Fab back in June because a friend of mine said it was good for meeting people for hooking up and exploring my kinkier side. I’m bisexual and haven’t had huge opportunities since I was a lot younger to explore that. Straight off the bat I met a lovely man and we had a lovely time together. He suggested I might be into the sex clubs and he’d happily take me to one and show me the scene. He has been partaking in the Lifestyle on and off for a few years, has never been in a relationship within the Lifestyle and to my knowledge has only ever participated either with friends or as a single male. He is a very sexual person and often talks about how he could f*** anything, and talks very forwardly about having had hundreds of partners etc - so sex is a very big part of this man’s life. 
 

I decided that after seeing him a few times I felt enough trust to take him up on the offer and the first time we only played with each other because I was quite nervous. The second time we met a lovely couple and agreed with them that it would be a girls meet in the middle thing - both men found this very hot and we actually ended up soft swinging and all parties were happy with it. 
 

After seeing each other for 2 months on a FWB basis we met this couple we’d played with on another occasion, and initially the intention was to full swing (previously my partner had sex with her but I only played with her - which is just naturally what happened). When we started it became very clear very quickly that the man didn’t have any respect for what I wanted and was brining some undisclosed kinks into it that when I voiced my discontent he didn’t care. This was also the first time my partner was seeing me with another man and he had a very severe reaction, he went full jealous and we ended up having a very tense car ride home. It culminated in a discussion about boundaries and me not being afraid to say if I’m not happy. Admitting that we liked each other and he wasn’t ok with seeing me with other men. He’d never done this with someone he liked before so was finding it difficult. We had a chat that effectively went that if we’re not happy we speak up and since then we have only really done the girls meet in the middle thing. It’s not necessarily been that way by design but rather dictated by the couples we’ve met and what everyone was comfortable with. I want to clarify that I’ve never said that I absolutely don’t want to see him with someone else. I’ve said that I would find it difficult but in the right situation and with the right couple I might actually be ok with it. 
 

Fast forward a few months, we’re now very much in the relationship territory and he’s just admitted to me that he misses having sex with other people, he enjoyed it a lot about being single and feels he’s missing out on that part of swinging. I get how he feels, like I say he seems to be someone who needs lots of sex with multiple people to be happy. He said his initial interest in carrying this on with me is because he thought he’d be able to have that. He has also said that he wouldn’t be ok with me being with other men, and he’s only wanting to do it where I’m involved. He feels I’m getting what I want because I’m able to be with other women and he very much enjoys seeing that. But he wants me to consider allowing him to full swing with other women but for me to only be with the woman as well.  
 

Now, I’m a very understanding person. And I want him to be happy. I know I’ll need to work through some trust and insecurity issues I have to be able to do this, and like I say, I might be alright with the right people. I’m willing to try it if that’s what he feels like he needs to be happy - but the inequality of it is bothering me. I feel like when I go through all this I’m going to be completely alone in it. He’s not going to be experiencing the same issues so how can I talk to him about it honestly and openly without seeming like a buzz kill. To clarify, I currently feel that he’s enough for me sexually, I enjoy our encounters with others but I’m not feeling like I’m missing out by not having sex with other men.  
 

I’m struggling to see how this could end in anything other than me feeling isolated and alone in grappling with it. I’m concerned that perhaps if he can’t see someone he actually has feelings for with another person but he needs multiple partners to be happy, then maybe a relationship isn’t for him? He has said he’d love to have a relationship in the lifestyle - but I cant see how any of this really works? Or am I thinking about this too narrowly? Is this a normal kind of thing to come across in the lifestyle? Are there lots of ‘lopsided’ relationships? 
 

any advice would be greatly appreciated! 

[couplers 4,717]

1 hour ago, MHS said:

he wants me to consider allowing him to full swing with other women but for me to only be with the woman as well.  

To me, this is very selfish and would be a deal-breaker.  He is immature, greedy, and controlling. 

 

The most important part of being in a relationship and in the lifestyle is taking pleasure and satisfaction in your loved one's sexual play and fun.  He's doing the exact opposite.  My advice?  Dump him and use the contacts you've made in the lifestyle to keep looking for someone who is generous.  There is a guy who will appreciate you and be a good partner for your sexual and life journey. 

[AdamGunn2 418]

3 hours ago, MHS said:

He has also said that he wouldn’t be ok with me being with other men, and he’s only wanting to do it where I’m involved.

This is not the attitude of most swinger couples. The vast majority have both people completely involved in doing what they wish to, with the full support of the other person. If you want to have sex with other men, then he should not only allow that, he should encourage you. Any other attitude is immature by swinger standards.

 

"I’m struggling to see how this could end in anything other than me feeling isolated and alone in grappling with it. I’m concerned that perhaps if he can’t see someone he actually has feelings for with another person but he needs multiple partners to be happy, then maybe a relationship isn’t for him?"

 

The question I have is how is this relationship good for you?  I suspect if you go down the road with this man, he'll be continually changing his rules to his advantage and your disadvantage. He will attempt to control you. Is this what you want? Since I'm suspecting you'd like something else, I'd suggest terminating the relationship sooner rather than later. Delay will only cause you more pain.

[Anon321 524]

You're going to have a very hard time finding couples who are looking to swing where only the woman gets to experience the other couple and the other man is left out of the fun.

 

I agree with the above.  He's not being fair.  I'd walk away.

[KatrinaandDriverX 121]

Oh my. Katrina here. He's singing opera,"Me Me Me Meeeeeee". 

 

You can do better. So much better.

 

There a fine line from being 'understanding'. to being a 'doormat'. 

 

We first swung at a Club. Our rule was to accept whatever happened,"no crime, no foul'.  The hosts introduced us to this great couple. We full swapped. My husband had a great time. He also noticed that, with the other man, that I just had the best sex of my life. It was true. We used that to enhance and improve our relationship. It worked for us. We were both on an endorphin high that night and actually played with two more couples. Nothing like willing sex parents.

 

Anyway, if there had been any jealousy, we simply would have stopped. If he had placed boundaries on me, that were unequal, either we'd have stopped Playing or concluded the relationship.

 

When people use sex as a form of control it never works out. My husband and I Play because it's fun. If it were because of some 'need' we might get checked. Manic conditions can drive people to a whole pile of foolish things.

 

You want someone who adores you and is sexually happy for you (and everything else). When I have had sex with another man, and when Alex is there, he has flatteringly said,"It's like watching Art fuck." How wonderful is that ? 

 

Lastly, Dating is to learn if you're compatible. Then, when you learn you're not, it's easier to move on before there's a marriage and family involved.  One last thing, it's sometimes called 'no strings attached sex' because it's been made into a 'web'.  When that's the case, you likely need to move on .