Friends with benefits

[justaswingin69 2]

So, me and the wife are fairly new to swinging. We are very interested in the friends with benefits scenario, but so far, none of those have worked out. The most recent couple, we started a group chat to get to know each other and spoke daily for about a month. During that time, we all became friends, especially me and the wife of the other couple.  Me and her just seemed to click very well. This weekend, We ended up meeting at a hotel, and then a club, full swapping at both. I had a great time. Me and the wife of the other couple picked right up where we left off in the group chat, clicking even more in person and having amazing sex. My wife, on the other hand, did not enjoy her experience with the other man. She said she really likes him as a person, they just didn't click sexually. I 100% understand that and do not blame her at all. The problem is, the husband did not take that very well when she told him and no longer wants to be friends. This hurts because, like I said, me and my wife both love them both as people and actually feel hurt to lose folks that we considered friends. We talked last night, and we feel like maybe we are going about finding FWB in the wrong way. Our philosophy so far has been to find friends, then have sex. If the sex isnt good, at least we made friends. It seems like sex could definitely have a negative impact on a new friendship though, especially if it is a bad experience. We determined that maybe,  instead of looking for friends first, we should just start meeting for sex, and see what happens afterwards. If it turns into a friendship, great. If not, that's fine too. We just don't want to go through making another set of good friends, only for it to end if we don't click sexually. What are yalls thoughts?

[justaswingin69 2]

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[njbm 2,899]

I think your plan B is better. Look for sex partners and if a friendship evolves, good for you.  I think you have already deduced that having a four way match between two couples is rare. 
 

Another idea is to go to a swingers’ event, such as a house party, hotel party or club. You find a woman you want to play with, your wife finds a man she wants to play with and they don’t have to be a couple. 
 

As you get more experience, you will brush off bad experiences and learn from them. You already seem sensitive not to hurt people’s feelings, which is good skill not always present in this hobby. 

[AdamGunn2 417]

Agree with NJBM.  A four way match is very hard to find. Our experience is that even if all parties are sexually compatible, other factors - lifestyle, hobbies, perspectives - usually split up the foursome after not much time at all. In our years - over fifteen - we only found one couple that lasted more than a year. But they turned into life-long friends.

 

But the sex can be great . . .  enjoy yourselves.

[couplers 4,711]

15 hours ago, justaswingin69 said:

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Someone is having her period. 

[24fun4u 10]

 This scenario is exactly why we prefer to have sex first then make friends. We have avoided all of those awkward pitfalls of making friends and then having bad sex. After several years, we truly have friends with benefits. We meet them, catch up and chat for a bit, and then have great sex. No hard feelings, no lost friends, no problems.

[bbarnsworth 2,652]

It can take a lot of energy and time to make new friends. To then add sexual compatibility to it is even more energy. That's a lot of star alignment to make it work. Many people prefer to have some sort of an emotional attachment to the person they are having sex with. That's understandable. But, it can be difficult to get all these things to line up. It can work, to be sure. But, your play times are going to be fewer. Trade offs.

 

There's a saying that's somewhat apropos here; make friends out of swingers, not swingers out of friends. It doesn't really apply to two couples who are both already swingers. But, it's still somewhat applicable. Swing with them then make friends of them.

[couplers 4,711]

On 11/27/2024 at 2:21 PM, bbarnsworth said:

Many people prefer to have some sort of an emotional attachment to the person they are having sex with.

For me, it's not the need for an emotional attachment, but I do want to know a person somewhat and feel a certain level of compatibility before having sex.  Strictly sexual attraction is the starting point for me to get to know someone better before sex.  And surprisingly for me, more so for men than women, probably because instinctually with a man there's a chance of ending up with a child together.  With a woman, it's just going down on one another. 

[AdamGunn2 417]

I agree with you, couplers. (Although for me the idea of making babies isn't part of the equation.) The times I've just jumped into bed with an available partner have usually been sort of meh. Not bad, just not anything particularly fantastic, one step up from masturbation.

 

But when I like the other person, even just from fifteen minutes of conversation, I tend to think of her as a partner, not just a blow up doll for me to use. I have a reason to try to satisfy her, and that leads to better, and usually longer, sex.

[couplers 4,711]

8 minutes ago, AdamGunn2 said:

for me the idea of making babies isn't part of the equation.

It isn't consciously for me either but is my amateur psychologist explanation for why I need to overall admire a man before I let him go and cum inside me.  And which perhaps also explains why in my young days before p-in-v sex, I was less discriminating who I would give a blow job to or have bum sex with. 

[24fun4u 10]

Of course you need to spend time talking to and getting to known the other couple/person. You need to get a sense of their compatibility with you and your spouse. I'm not suggesting  a "Hi Mary, my name is Bob, let's F!" situation. (Although, that's OK too LOL).

 What we want to avoid is, meeting for the first time, and being attracted to the other person (mentally and physically) and not playing. Then, a second meeting, maybe at a party, maybe at either couples house. More "getting to know each other", no playing, and so on. Like most, we all have a finite amount of play time, and it can be difficult to determine why the other couple is hesitant. Are they just shy?. Unsure if were a match, or they don't want to go to bed to quickly for some sort of morality issue ("we're not bed hoppers").

These people deserve our respect, and we are not interested in forcing or pushing anybody into anything. Everyone has their limits and they should be unconditionally observed. However, we find that the "endless emails" and multiple vanilla meetings couples tend to be more about being unsure about swinging, in general, then it is about playing with us.

 

 

[AdamGunn2 417]

10 hours ago, 24fun4u said:

Of course you need to spend time talking to and getting to known the other couple/person. You need to get a sense of their compatibility with you and your spouse. I'm not suggesting  a "Hi Mary, my name is Bob, let's F!" situation. (Although, that's OK too LOL).

 What we want to avoid is, meeting for the first time, and being attracted to the other person (mentally and physically) and not playing.

 

 

Totally agree here. When we met a couple that we enjoyed being with, often we found ourselves involved with them that night. If we didn't, we tried to make a second date with them with the idea that sex would be had then - if they balked, we'd say, "Well, whenever you're ready, let us know." Very few of those couples met us a third time.

[KatrinaandDriverX 119]

Well, how you tell someone is everything. If she made no suggestions or provided no insights and THEN explained the experience wasn't so great, well, a sex partner has every right to be at least disappointed in the news. Or, the one time things went poorly I did say,"I think I had an off night".  In the moment, let the other person off easily. Then, you can control the narrative with a mind that's more clear. Also, the experience is less' fresh' emotionally. 

 

 

One a personal note:

 

Now here's an extreme situation. I realize weight can be a huge issue and difficult for people to resolve. Wonderful couple. The wife was gorgeous. He was handsome a few pounds ago. I admit to having some extra liquid courage in me at that Club. When we declined he was a bit assertive as to reasons. We never give reasons, and don't expect them, even if we're declined.  And I said, to my husband's horror, "You get to the gym lose 25 pounds and your in. Literally."  

 

We saw them two months later, he had lost 30 pounds and tightened up his body a smidgen, too. His quite joyful wife said,"He couldn't have done this without you".  I walked up to her, gave her a gentle kiss on the lips and then went to him and said,"I'm a girl of my word. If you still want me, you can have me".  The sex was amazing for all concerned.  Again, weight is a bitch to control.