Concerned about cheaters, or not . . .

[AdamGunn2 417]

A comment in another thread got me to thinking about my wife’s (and my) attitude about married men in the LifeStyle.

 

When Mary was picking up a guy to have fun with, she’d be concerned about whether he was married, and if he was, was he honest with his wife about what he was doing. If Mary got the impression he was cheating on his wife, she always turned him down. But if she felt he was in an open relationship, she was apt to have a good time with him.

 

Then, there were the times we were at our club or at a house party. Mary would often engage with a single guy, and the subject of if he married was never brought up. Or, if he was wearing a wedding ring and we were pretty sure his wife wasn’t at the party, the subject was just avoided. And, if Mary was in the mood and the guy was attractive, they’d be coupled fairly quickly.

 

Yes, it was a dichotomy that we both realized, and somehow didn’t care about. Has this happened to anyone else?  What’s your feeling about this?

[couplers 4,711]

8 minutes ago, AdamGunn2 said:

A comment in another thread got me to thinking about my wife’s (and my) attitude about married men in the LifeStyle.

My response to that thread was:

"I've gone from believing that sex outside marriage without consent by the spouse is wrong, to believing that being monogamous is unnatural and wrong."

So

 

9 minutes ago, AdamGunn2 said:

if Mary was in the mood and the guy was attractive, they’d be coupled fairly quickly.

is the right attitude. 

[lcmim 1,086]

couplers,

I think that we would both agree that monogamy, or in your case polygamy (which I see as relational in much the same way that monogamy is), does not necessarily have anything to do with sex.

 

There is also the part about promise keeping and honor.

 

We have redefined what the being faithful part of our marriage promise means. Cheating is virtually impossible in a sexual sense.

 

That agreement was made before any extra curriculars.

Cheating is a break of trust and that almost always causes injury in the end.

 

 

 

[njbm 2,899]

We played with a male in a relationship with a woman. Before I gave him a cert on an online site, I texted him to make sure that our adventure was ok with his girlfriend. He assured us that it was and we assumed that it was and we gave him the cert. 

 

We would not want to play with a married person who was cheating without a hall pass, but sometimes you don’t know. The burden is on the people in the marriage to sort it out. 

[NoAngels 349]

Call me Contrarian. I was a cheater that was caught. I had long term affairs with women while I traveled for business. When my wife found out she told me she was going to find men to have fun with. She registered on a cheaters site and only met married men. She wasn’t looking for anything long term and communicated that to the men she met. She never wanted to form attachments or steal another woman’s man. According to her the men she met were looking for something missing at home. She said most of the men love their wives though sex was missing. At first it was never mentioned after meeting the men, now she shares the men’s stories with me. Some men are lousy partners, some are great. Some men tell her the things they do were never part of their marriage. Who knows the lies she hears, she doesn’t care as long as she has fun. 
Maybe she tells the men she is in a sexless marriage, she isn’t. I support her hobby while she understands my cheating. 

[Half MT 239]

1 hour ago, NoAngels said:

 

Call me Contrarian. I was a cheater that was caught. I had long term affairs with women while I traveled for business. When my wife found out she told me she was going to find men to have fun with. She registered on a cheaters site and only met married men.

 

I’m missing something, do you swing or just cheat. Most of what I read, not all, is doing things together most of the time or one of you playing with someone you know as a couple 

[couplers 4,711]

On 11/30/2024 at 5:51 PM, NoAngels said:

I had long term affairs with women while I traveled for business. When my wife found out she told me she was going to find men to have fun with. .. She wasn’t looking for anything long term and communicated that to the men she met.

And thus you two didn't break up, but did what I believe is natural for humans, a non-monogamous marriage.  I commend your wife for doing what was appropriate, having some sexual fun herself rather than throwing a fit and stomping out.

 

 

[couplers 4,711]

On 11/30/2024 at 5:51 PM, NoAngels said:

I had long term affairs with women while I traveled for business.

Were any of them with married women?  Compare and contrast the characteristics of your wife's relationships described above with your own:

 

On 11/30/2024 at 5:51 PM, NoAngels said:

the men she met were looking for something missing at home

 

On 11/30/2024 at 5:51 PM, NoAngels said:

the men love their wives though sex was missing

 

On 11/30/2024 at 5:51 PM, NoAngels said:

never wanted to form attachments or steal another woman’s man

 

On 11/30/2024 at 5:51 PM, NoAngels said:

things they do were never part of their marriage

Were the women that you were seeing similarly motivated? Thanks. 

 

 

Edited December 3 by couplers

[NoAngels 349]

3 hours ago, couplers said:

And thus you two didn't break up, but did what I believe is natural for humans, a non-monogamous marriage.  I commend your wife for doing what was appropriate, having some sexual fun herself rather than throwing a fit and stomping out.

 

 

Well that’s not totally true, she didn’t react calmly she did throw a fit and tried stomping me. My cheating led to many fights and problems ending in a little separation. I encouraged her half heartedly to have an affair herself. Half heartedly is an overstatement I was hoping she wouldn’t. When she did meet men our deal was we would be honest with what she thought. Looking back I wish I saw how she reacted to meeting married men with only sex being the reason. My affairs were with women I knew the progressed naturally first as business associates, then friends, then lovers. Her affairs was men looking for no attachment sex. She said some men thought they were prizes, others were pitiful. 

 

4 hours ago, couplers said:

Were any of them with married women?  Compare and contrast the characteristics of your wife's relationships described above with your own:

 

 

 

 

Were the women that you were seeing similarly motivated? Thanks. 

 

 

As I stated my relationships were extensions of friendships while hers were no attachment sex. I don’t think there was anything lacking in my marriage including sex and the sex I had with my girlfriends wasn’t much different from what it was like at home. 

[njbm 2,899]

On 11/30/2024 at 7:51 PM, NoAngels said:

Call me Contrarian. I was a cheater that was caught. I had long term affairs with women while I traveled for business. When my wife found out she told me she was going to find men to have fun with. She registered on a cheaters site and only met married men. She wasn’t looking for anything long term and communicated that to the men she met. She never wanted to form attachments or steal another woman’s man. According to her the men she met were looking for something missing at home. She said most of the men love their wives though sex was missing. At first it was never mentioned after meeting the men, now she shares the men’s stories with me. Some men are lousy partners, some are great. Some men tell her the things they do were never part of their marriage. Who knows the lies she hears, she doesn’t care as long as she has fun. 
Maybe she tells the men she is in a sexless marriage, she isn’t. I support her hobby while she understands my cheating. 

I am not saying this to bust you or to be critical, but why didn’t you ask your wife for a hall pass before cheating? Did you presume it would lead to divorce?

[NoAngels 349]

1 hour ago, njbm said:

I am not saying this to bust you or to be critical, but why didn’t you ask your wife for a hall pass before cheating? Did you presume it would lead to divorce?

No offense taken. This is going to sound bad for me, we had a perfect marriage. My cheating wasn’t planned.  After cheating once the second was easier. I was not near home and never figured it would get back to my wife. Asking permission would be crazy because I didn’t need it. Asking permission to have an affair, you don’t know my wife, asking for a hall pass would mean I needed to go pee. Would I presume a divorce? Hell yeah. It almost led to a divorce when she found out. Now it’s the other way around, she has the hall pass. 

[couplers 4,711]

19 hours ago, NoAngels said:

My cheating led to many fights and problems ending in a little separation.

So why did it work out in the end?  I presume it did because you're here on a swingers forum.

 

23 hours ago, couplers said:

Were the women that you were seeing similarly motivated?

Sorry I wasn't clear.  Were the women that you had affairs with married, but dissatisfied in some way?

 

And where are you and your wife now in your relationship and the lifestyle?   Thank you.

 

19 hours ago, NoAngels said:

she didn’t react calmly she did throw a fit and tried stomping me.

I often misjudge situations people describe here, and hope that isn't true at home.  I'd better check.

[NoAngels 349]

4 hours ago, couplers said:

So why did it work out in the end?  I presume it did because you're here on a swingers forum.

 

Sorry I wasn't clear.  Were the women that you had affairs with married, but dissatisfied in some way?

 

And where are you and your wife now in your relationship and the lifestyle?   Thank you.

 

I often misjudge situations people describe here, and hope that isn't true at home.  I'd better check.

Let me address your last statement first. When texting or posting on an iPhone with distractions and autocorrect the original thoughts get sidetracked. At times I don’t remember every detail or the sequence of events but I do try to get what I feel are the pertinent facts correct. How my wife reacted and the trying times we had after my lying and denials are thoughts that are hard to relate on a post. 

Why it worked out is still a mystery to me. If the roles were reversed I’m not sure it would have worked, something I’ll never know. Years later I have guilt feelings how I hurt my wife and how I convinced her, yes convinced her to cheat on me. I know she didn’t want to have sex with others at the time. I say I know, did I?  Nothing she did was or is cheating, as others call it she has a Hall Pass. My wife has been with many more men than me being with women. I accept that. What transpires or the conversations she has or the feelings she has with the men are something I will only know by her telling me. At some point we joined a swingers site after talking about meeting others together. At first she invited me to have a threesome with one of the men she enjoyed being with. I said no feeling weird with that. After plenty of bs we finally met a couple. I had my fears that didn’t go away quickly. Watching is different from hearing her stories. Others mention watching two women play makes watching a man in your wife playful. I saw my wife with a woman her first time. My wife is the one who does the searches for our swinging and her affairs, I do have final approval. 
You asked about my affairs. They all know I’m married and yes the two who were my primary road friends are both married. I can’t answer their why, bed talk is bed talk. I have shared much of my life stories with both and they share theirs as well. Family stories, family pictures, spouse stories pretty much nothing was hidden. One of them even talks about her boyfriend, another affair. 

[couplers 4,711]

Thank you for describing the complexities and nuances of your and your wife's activities and relationships.  It is fascinating.  I hope that both of you have found a deeper appreciation for one another, mutual love, and dare I say, shared fun, in where you fid yourselves. 

 

 

[NoAngels 349]

2 hours ago, couplers said:

Thank you for describing the complexities and nuances of your and your wife's activities and relationships.  It is fascinating.  I hope that both of you have found a deeper appreciation for one another, mutual love, and dare I say, shared fun, in where you fid yourselves. 

 

 

The good erases the bad. Very few people know the difficulties we endured. I’m not proud that I cheated on a woman I love, she had every right to throw me out. I still look back on how things changed and how she enjoys meeting the men. I realize our relationship is far from what would happen to most who were in our position. From what I see it is much easier for women to find men willing to meet to cheat. I’ve stated many times my wife isn’t cheating, I am aware of meetings. I am finally back to business travel, I’m not looking for new affairs just seeing the women I already have fun with. 
My wife has set up a few swinging dates for us where we made a number of new friends. These friends are very different from the women I played with, I’m not emotionally attracted to just learning to enjoy swinging for what it is. 

[Half MT 239]

4 hours ago, NoAngels said:

My wife has set up a few swinging dates for us where we made a number of new friends. These friends are very different from the women I played with, I’m not emotionally attracted to just learning to enjoy swinging for what it is. 

Still newbies I wonder how many marriages end because of swinging or playing alone even with the knowledge by the other. Your relationship is not the same as any other from what I read, you somehow make it work. 

[couplers 4,711]

20 hours ago, NoAngels said:

my wife isn’t cheating, I am aware of meetings.

 

20 hours ago, NoAngels said:

I’m not looking for new affairs just seeing the women I already have fun with. 

 

20 hours ago, NoAngels said:

My wife has set up a few swinging dates for us

It is wonderful that you two have reached the point where both still play alone.  And now together.  I admire your wife.