Need Serious Advice

[PSULioness 874]

I am looking for serious advice on how to go forward. After a very tumultuous time in my life I am trying to move on. I have a professional I speak to that knows everything about my life, my choices, and my problems. She is terrific in listening and understanding though I’m not sure without the experiences she can deeply understand my questions. I have an extremely close friend who knows as much as anyone what my life has been the last number of years. 
To put context to my question, I found out that a number of my college friends had swinger parties after I graduated. After having an unplanned threesome I told my then fiancé and introduced him to those friends. He enjoyed our times which didn’t stop us from marrying. My problem is when we decided to start a family I figured our friend was the father. Long story, we terminated, which led to divorce. Things got worse with meeting someone older who was at first my savior, which turned into abuser and worse, a pimp. 
Now to good news, I am now dating a divorced man, smiling again and getting back to being me. I know we are not the first divorced couple dating so what do I tell him? I miss meeting my swinger friends and once again feel guilty. I know relationships are built on honesty and truth, I just don’t know how to go forward. I think most men would jump at what I could suggest. 
 

[hunterdonNJcpl 1,481]

1 hour ago, PSULioness said:

so what do I tell him? I miss meeting my swinger friends and once again feel guilty. I know relationships are built on honesty and truth, I just don’t know how to go forward. I think most men would jump at what I could suggest. 
 

Of course i (and presumably most folks on this board) believe swinging is a sign of an adventurous spirit and is nothing to be ashamed of.  I wouldn't bring it up at the Thankgiving table, but I would courage you to broach the topic with your new lover matter-of-factly, chin up, no shame.  Yes there were some messed up situations in your past but you came through them intact and stronger.  Plus, swinging shouldn't be that way with the right partner.

 

Yes I think most guys would be excited by the idea of getting into the LS with you.  But there are also guys who might get a little freaked out.

 

If it were me I would put it out there.  Again, not in the form of a confession you are ashamed of, but stated with confidence and dignity.

[njbm 2,932]

Just going to take the other side. My wife and I met at age 26. I don’t know her sexual history and she doesn’t know mine. Our saying was “What’s past is past.” 
 

No jealousy, resentment, second guessing, comparisons. This June will be our 40th anniversary. So it worked for us, along with other factors. 
 

If you want to swing with your new man, ask him. No need to rehash your history or his. Start fresh. If he asks you if you ever swung before, you can say yes without going into detail. 
 

Telling the truth for truth’s sake, even if it would hurt someone or one’s relationship, never made ethical sense to me. Do we have to discuss everything? Don’t lie, but certain things can be left unsaid. 

[lcmim 1,097]

There are at least two times when it makes sense to disclose that part of you.  

 

In the very beginning in order to winnow out the faint of heart .

 

When things get serious . This is too big of a part of you to consciously conceal for the next decades.

 

Waiting until after he has made too much of  a commitment could easily poison things even if earlier it might not have. I personally would feel at that point that the concealment had become deception. He deserves the choice.

 

Hoping that it will remain forever buried , I do not feel is rational.

 

He may or may not be at all interested in details.

He may or may not want to play himself.

He may or may not be able to have you play.

He may or may not feel honored that you trust him enough to disclose.

etc.

 

 You will at least have an insight into his qualities and if they truly match you.

You may have to make some hard choices yourself.

 

Best of luck.

 

[couplers 4,817]

The question in my mind is how do you perceive your life going forward and what kind of relationship do you want?

 

Myself, if put in your position and having the lifestyle experience that we both have, I couldn't see becoming romantically involved and possibly marrying someone without being in the lifestyle in some way.  Not only for what it gives me, but also for what it gives him.

 

The lifestyle is so much a part of me, I couldn't be in a serious relationship without telling him (or her) and wanting him or her to continue with me.

 

All the best.

[oldswinger64 126]

My first wife and I were swingers.  It was a great experience, and I treasure the memories.  After I started dating again after our divorce, I treated my swinging experiences like i treated all my experiences which made me who I am.  II am who I am today because of, at least in part, the experiences that I have had.  If you truly want to know me, listen to me about my past.  My current wife is not into swinging, and I accepted that, and swinging is a great memory like so many memories I have.

 

 

[Fundamental Law 2,943]

Lioness, 

 

Durable relationships are built upon shared values. All parties will grow and evolve during a relationship. Behaviors will also change. The values should not. 

Your/his shared values will shape your behaviors and your growth. Disclosing your past is a behavior. Is that behavior consonant or dissonant with your shared values? 

 

Our (Mrs FL and my) shared values are public, frequently communicated, and even listed on our profiles. They are, of course, ours and not (necessarily) yours. For convenience, I list them here:

 

Honesty - Always, even if it seems potentially painful

Authentic Affection - Really meaning it when we say/show "I love you". 

Trust - In each other's actions to do what is "right for us"

Communication - Wide open, bidirectional

Honor - Honoring each other as individuals with lives that enhance our relationship, not simply "part of our relationship"

 

(Yes, there's an easy-to-remember acronym there: HATCH)

 

If one of us was at a point that we were even thinking of disclosing something undisclosed from our past, we would go back to these five values and ask ourselves whether disclosure--or non-disclosure-- was most consonant with those values. 

 

We also happen to have a method for speaking about difficult topics in our relationship. We call it "Safe Haven".  Either of us can call for a "Safe Haven" conversation. Here is how it works. 

 

1. The calling party states the need. The other party guarantees undivided attention. 

2. The calling party states the situation/concern. The other party is allowed to ask for clarification. 

3. Conversation on the topic is suspended for 24 hours to let both parties time to reflect/process/formulate a response.

4. After the 24 hour period of reflection, the other party speaks about what they heard, how they feel, and proposes a go-forward path. 

 

We have found this to be a useful tool in our toolset. It is designed to suppress instinctive reaction and unnecessary hurtful remarks. It gives both parties time to reflect not just on the situation, but the likely feelings and visceral responses of the other person. 

 

We don't use it often. But, on occasion, it's a very useful way to introduce a sensitive topic. 

 

Good luck. 

 

 

[bbarnsworth 2,668]

PSULioness, I'm very, very happy to hear that you're smiling again!

 

What you tell him is the truth as best you know it. It's hard to know when the right moment is to discuss such things. The problem is most people wait a lot longer than they should have. Not discussing these things will make it worse with time, not better. Earlier is better.

 

If you've been dating for a couple of months or more, I think the time is now. Make it clear what your wants and desires are, and see if the two of you can get to a common page on this. If not, keep working on it together.

[Numex 2,494]

Good advice to consider, but from my wife and my perspective one thing stands out 

22 hours ago, PSULioness said:

so what do I tell him?

Let it flow, both ways. Not that you got to gush everything, but see where it goes.  Your parents, your ex-spouse, your childhood, what you wanted, what you achieved. Eventually, when we got to sex, it flowed oh so naturally even though we were totally different - me having been monogamously married for 20 years; her barely older than that, bisexual, many times more partners than me. It was, however, so interesting, loving, intimate, binding.

 

So talk, let it unravel slowly, see how it goes, make you decisions. 

[kellimc 242]

Hi Lioness.  It's nice to see you posting again.

 

I won't pretend to know the exact nature of your relationship, so I really can't tell you when the right time to tell him is.  I do think sooner, rather than later is better though.  He is likely to find out anyway.  It's always a little uncomfortable the hear the question, "So, when were you planning to tell me?"  Make sure you tell him before he asks that question. 

[PSULioness 874]

On 1/20/2025 at 12:52 AM, hunterdonNJcpl said:

Yes I think most guys would be excited by the idea of getting into the LS with you.  But there are also guys who might get a little freaked out.

This relationship is still new, primarily we are “dating” without much contact with my friends, many know my past. Once he gets to socialize with my friends he might catch on to how well we know each other. You say most guys would be excited to join in the LS, I don’t want our relationship, wherever it leads to be based on this, I want to make sure the attraction is us not the other things 

 

22 hours ago, kellimc said:

Hi Lioness.  It's nice to see you posting again.

 

I won't pretend to know the exact nature of your relationship, so I really can't tell you when the right time to tell him is.  I do think sooner, rather than later is better though.  He is likely to find out anyway.  It's always a little uncomfortable the hear the question, "So, when were you planning to tell me?"  Make sure you tell him before he asks that question. 

Thank you Kelli

Our relationship is still new, more than just friends. He met my roommate, I don’t think he has any idea we are “close” roommates. I tend to agree sooner is better because my life will give question to someone close to me. 

On 1/20/2025 at 9:27 PM, bbarnsworth said:

PSULioness, I'm very, very happy to hear that you're smiling again!

 

What you tell him is the truth as best you know it. It's hard to know when the right moment is to discuss such things. The problem is most people wait a lot longer than they should have. Not discussing these things will make it worse with time, not better. Earlier is better.

 

If you've been dating for a couple of months or more, I think the time is now. Make it clear what your wants and desires are, and see if the two of you can get to a common page on this. If not, keep working on it together.

Thank you. Smiling through wounds that will take more time if ever to heal. I am trying to be more cautious in my choices.