How do I tell my wife she's gaining weight?

[dave110256 21]

This one will get me in trouble............

How do I tell my wife she is gaining weight without hurting her feelings or pissing her off. Lately she has been eating like a cow and I don't like what I'm seeing.....can someone give me some advice?

[biblonde 22]

Well if you like breathing! you dont say she is eating like a cow. Not nice!! As for telling her..Not a good thing. If she is gaining she notices it herself and the last thing she needs is for you to tell her she is getting fat. She may be going through something that is making her eat or who knows but I'm sure she realizes it and it is up to her if she wants to loose weight or not. If you are smart you would leave it be after all when you married her it was because you loved her and not how much she weighs. We all change with age and that includes our sizes!

 

just my 2 cents for the day!

[Vespertine 31]

I agree that you shouldn't flat out tell her she's eating like a cow, but if you're concerned about her weight gain, I think you should tell her.

 

Perhaps you can do it in a round-about way. Tell her you've been feeling unhealthy and would like to start living a more healthy lifestyle. Mention to her, that you've noticed she's gained a little weight and you feel you have too (lie if you must). Suggest that you both start eating healthy meals and become more active, ie: walking, etc..

 

Whatever you do, don't say SHE'S the only one that needs to change her habits, it should be a joint project. I'm sure you'll agree.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I wouldn't bring it up. But maybe check and make sure she isn't stressed out about something, or feeling depressed. Make sure you're being attentive and she's feeling special. A lot of people turn to food when feeling down and if that's the case help her feel better.

 

And really, I don't know a woman who doesn't know she's gained a few pounds so she probably doesn't need anyone pointing it out. I like the above suggestions too.

[fungal1234 15]

My husband mentioned my weight problem to me. It was very hard to hear, but I am greatful that he did. Just be ready to weather the storm if you do dicide to tackle this. I am not sure how over weight she is, but I was and still am (but not for long) extreamly over weight. There could be a major issue gonig on in her life that is making her feel that she has no other recourse. I know my reasons were emotional...

 

Well, what ever you dicide good luck.

[EvilMJ 65]

Gotta agree with the girls on this one. You are only going to hurt her feelings by saying she is eating like a cow.

 

Best way to do it is as suggested, find out if there is something else that is bothering her. I have battled weight all my life and have had my ups adn downs...One great thing I can say about my hubby..he has loved me no matter what size I was, he never made me feel bad about myself...and when I was ready to do something about it he was very supportive.

 

He never brings up my weight (even when I need to lose some), I never bring up his (little middle aged spread).

 

I think Vespertine has the best advice on how to approach it...got with that

[fun_pairTX 26]

By a telegram sent from another state and preferably not an adjoining one.

 

Seriously, be tactful and pray a LOT.

[good times 991]

I think your approach will have to be determined by the ability you have to communicate frankly with your wife. I guess my wife and I are really lucky that way as we both have no problem saying to one another "Honey, I think you need to jump on the old treadmill and hit the diet program again." Both my wife and I have also noticed that while it may be true that we know we have gained a little weight or have been bellying up to the food trough a little to much, we actually have a pretty poor idea of how it effects the way we look to others. I gained a couple of pounds in the last month or so and couldn't tell any difference in the mirror but my wife picked up on it right away.

[Alura 2,775]

Mrs. Alura and I discussed this very subject this morning. We've recently picked up a new line in our business, Gourmet Chocolates and candies, including caramels and toffees. Problem is that it tastes really good and the manufacturer keeps sending samples "to share with your customers." It's just not right to "share" unless you have a nibble yourself, now is it? Consider also that you're calling on four to six customers a day. That's a lot of sharing...

 

I don't mean to make light of being overweight. Mrs. Alura's only risk factor for breast cancer was being overweight. She did everything else that's supposed to help you not get it, from the proper use of birth control pills to breast feeding our kids. It scares me when she gains.

 

Berating her is out of the question. First because we don't berate each other, and second because my waist-size is up a couple of inches.

 

We should never have taken the chocolate line!

 

Mr. Alura

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

You don't!

 

She already knows she's gaining weight. Your time would be better spent trying to figure out what is bothering her and causing her to eat like a cow. I can guarantee she is either stressed out about something, and you can help, or she is depressed about something... and you can help.

[Alura 2,775]

Mrs. Alura here:

 

On the semi-serious side.....I don't know what is going on in your lives.....I don't know if your wife has a high stress job.....I don't know if somebody's In-Laws are coming for the holidays.......

 

Perhaps you could ask your wife "Is there some way that I could help alleviate some of the stress in your life? Seriously, tell me what I can do."

 

If she asks "Why do you ask?" you might reply "You are not eating the way you usually do and that can be a response to stress. So, I was just wondering..."'

 

And then shut up.

 

Good Luck......and remember the "Shut up" part. That's critical.

 

Smiles!

Mrs. Alura

 

P.S. You could give her sugar free chocolates for Christmas, and then again for Valentines. Check with your local gift shop. facelick

[Miss_Piggy 98]

This one will get me in trouble............

How do I tell my wife she is gaining weight without hurting her feelings or pissing her off. Lately she has been eating like a cow and I don't like what I'm seeing.....can someone give me some advice?

 

 

Wow! I have to say I'm a little shocked by this. Even though your wife probably won't be reading this I think you're already walking in danger zone when you say that she is eatting like a cow. In my opinion you need to think about what leads you to talk about her in such a derogatory way. Even if she is gaining weight there is no reason to say that she is eatting like a cow. I've struggled with weight issues myself I have so say that the bulk of the problem is usually psychological. You can't start thinking about her that way without it having an effect on her. As well, that kind of thinking will be refected in the way you act towards her. In short, it's not going to help and it stands a good chance of making things worse. Take a step back and forget about the weight. Look at your lifestyles together. Do you eat well? Do you exercise regularly? If not, start suggesting fun things you can do together along these lines. I wouldn't say anything about weight to her. She knows her own body better than anyone else. If you're noticing extra weight now chances are she noticed it a long time ago. She'll hop on the scales and take aggressive action against the weight if and when *she* wants to (with or without your comments).

I might have rambled a bit here but I really feel strongly about the weight issue and I find comments like, "she's eatting like a cow" to be quite offensive.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Lately she has been eating like a cow...

 

You mean - swallowing, coughing it up and rechewing it for hours?

 

That can be a turn off...

 

 

Everyone is right - she knows it - women can tell by their clothes if nothing else. My advice - get YOURSELF on a fitness program and a diet. Lead by example. That will take care of stress AND extra calories.

 

I'd add my advice to the rest of the advice above.

 

Spoomonkey

[DBL D 120]

Take some photos of her and then KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

 

If she doesn't like them ask her if she can tell you why?

 

BTW,There are a lot of beautiful BBW's out there. It may be that is what she thinks is best for her.

 

Male D

[BeachBaby612 15]

I agree that you shouldn't flat out tell her she's eating like a cow, but if you're concerned about her weight gain, I think you should tell her.

 

Perhaps you can do it in a round-about way. Tell her you've been feeling unhealthy and would like to start living a more healthy lifestyle. Mention to her, that you've noticed she's gained a little weight and you feel you have too (lie if you must). Suggest that you both start eating healthy meals and become more active, ie: walking, etc..

 

Whatever you do, don't say SHE'S the only one that needs to change her habits, it should be a joint project. I'm sure you'll agree.

 

Exactly what I was thinking.

 

Especially if you want her to lose the weight and you truly love her than you will be willing to do whatever you need to together to help her. But remember that if she is not bothered by her change in weight you cannot force her to change her body. Just remember why you married her in the first place.

 

BeachBaby

[curious24 17]

I always say lead by example. Why don't you change your diet and then suggest to her to join you? Why don't you go for walks and ask her to come with you? There's a lot you can do other than saying "yo yer get'n fat"

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Dave -

 

She is probably eating more because something is bothering her, a stressor. When she gets a handle on what it is, and comes up with a solution, she will change her eating habits and start losing weight IF she wants to make these changes. You can help her by setting an example and being supportive. But ultimately, it's up to her.

 

One idea: If you keep foods around the house that are challenges for your wife, don't buy those any longer. I ask this of Mr LM and he does this for me; it works in our house, no storage of cookies or chips, or boxes of cake mix or junk food. We buy those things only on rare occasions when we decide to treat ourselves.

 

Another idea: If you aren't getting out together to walk or get involved in physical activities that are fun, start doing so. You don't even have to mention weight loss. Just getting out could help her mood, or spur her to talk to you about what might be on her mind if something is bothering her that is causing her to eat more. I know that when I am more active, I eat less. Even when my mind is more active, I eat less, as long as it is enjoyable mental activity.

 

Show your wife you love her and care for her. Look into her eyes when she talks to you. Too often husbands and wifes carry on a conversation without even looking at the other.

 

Some people have suggested telling your wife that you think you're gaining weight, even though you haven't. I don't agree with this approach. I think it would be wiser to say to your wife that you noticed her eating habits have changed and you're concerned about her, and wondered how she's been feeling lately.

 

Then, as Mrs. Alura said, "Shut up," silence is most important. Wait for your wife's reaction. She may yell at you, or cry. No matter, be calm, wait, listen until your wife is through. She may go on for a long time pouring her soul out to you. She may even blame you. Just listen. This may be the first time she's had a chance to verbalize thoughts that may have been troubling her for months. You may be surprised what you will hear. In the end all she may really need is for you to put your arms around her and be there for her.

 

The next day things start changing for the better.

 

LM

[DBL D 120]

I'm sorry board!

 

My wife once asked me if I would still love her if she weighed 300 pounds.

 

I, solemly, shook my head.

 

See, I fell in love with her at the size she was at that time and while I expected time to take a small toll on our bods I didn't ever want to have to think of getting fat. (She weighed around 105 then.)

 

At the same time, lot's of us feel that personality is as important as anything else. If her, and your, attitude is that way then I say why not let it go. But, if one of you is bothered by it, then it's discussion time. soapbox

 

Male D

[RW1F 15]

DBL D, an honest answer.

 

Like everyone else said, I wouldn't advise telling her she reminds you of a cow but if it bothers you that she's put on some excess weight she oughtta know. If you suddenly began loudly belching at the dinner table or chewing with your mouth open she'd probably let you know about it, and rightly so. Use tact, but let her know you ain't happy with her "new" body.

[dave110256 21]

Thank you for all your advice............now a little history.

I do think I lead by example. I am 48 years old, work out every day, weigh 180 pounds, 5'11", and eat much less than my wife. Lately she has bringing home pies. cakes and other ggodies and asks why I don't eat them when she breaks them out for desert. I always say that I don't want to gain weight over the holidays. As far as excercise, I work out daily and have suggested for US to start walking in the evenings and on weekends. And for the record, I would never tell my wife she is eating like a cow.........but she is.

I still love her as much as I always have and always will. All I'm saying is that she has gained about 20 pounds in about two months and she's only 5'2". Afew months ago she weighed in at 118, now she must be over 140 (but I would never dare ask).

Please don't be too judgemental of me here, I'm just asking for a little advice on how to approach this. I was and am so attracted to my sexy wife and she says that she is to me also.......I'm just trying to figure out how to slow this down a little without hurting her feelings.

Regardless of what anyone says here (especially the politically correct crowd) most (not all) men I think would be concerned if this were their wife we were talking about. I will love and stand by my wife regardless of her weight but I don't want this to go too far........thank you

[Vespertine 31]

If it's a recent weight gain Dave, and she's only just begun packing on the pounds....I'd tell her right quick before her metabolism changes and it's hard for her to lose the weight.

 

That's a lot of weight gain in just two short months. You might express your concern and suggest to her that she visit her doctor.

Just in case some underlining medical condition is the cause.

 

My husband and I have no tact with eachother. If my husband looks like he's putting on weight, I only give him salads for dinner. If I dip into the Twinkie box too often, I'm met by little snorting noises from him. It works for us to motivate eachother.

 

Once again, good luck.

[EvilMJ 65]

use.

 

My husband and I have no tact with eachother. If my husband looks like he's putting on weight, I only give him salads for dinner. If I dip into the Twinkie box too often, I'm met by little snorting noises from him. It works for us to motivate eachother.

 

Once again, good luck.

 

 

Ouch !!! Remind me never to have you over for dinner !! (kidding of course).

 

It is a very tricky situation for sure. It's funny in our house because I am the one who is always trying to get hubby to eat healthy (yes the pasta and the rice are whole wheat..but he hasn't figured it out yet...he he) and I am the one who struggles with my weight.

 

Whatever you do please do it with compassion. In my case weight has been a source of a lot of emotional distress. It has played on my self estime, it has definiately affected my self confidence. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that I had to love and accept myself, that I finally became a confident and sexy person. But it still makes me sad at times, when I am sitting in my office eating my salad and fruit and drinking a gallon of water, watching the size two woman next door noshing on pizza and chips with pepsi. Life is definately not fair.

 

So I think it would be a good idea to tell her to stop bringing sweets in the house because you don't want the temptation around and you are concerned that if you don't eat them, then she will be the only one left to eat them and that can't be good for her health. Support and love I guess is all I can suggest....not much help I realize but.....I tried.

[HornyCouple 15]

I am recently divorced, my ex went from 140 to about 250 lbs over time, years. this is not a small gain, when one gains an excessive amount of weight, you are not the same person any more. There were significant problems but she was unwilling to do ANYTHING and only thought that love was unconditional. When one gains that much and cannot walk a flight of stairs easily, cannot fit in an airline seat and on and on it takes it toll. On her and the marriage. I felt that she did not care about herself so why should i after awhile. This might seem shallow but it was not the same person i married.

 

It is a loose/loose deal in my opinion, if nothing is said and she continues to gain and gain, it will take its toll on her physically and him mentally. If he says something it may only make the situation worse and she gain more.

 

I now do what Vespertine does, if my mate gains I can say something and moo and she gets the hints and appreciatest the heckling. I also in return appreciate her telling me NOT to order the desert at dinner.

 

dave110256, you have a difficult road.

[fun_pairTX 26]

Mention any terms related to the bovine and you are likely to find out just what Mad Cow Disease is all about. Tread softly and be encouraging.

[DBL D 120]

Well, I think I came across the wrong way or said something the wrong way. Of course I'd love Fem D but it would not be the same.

 

I hope everybody understands what I meant. I wouldn't leave her because of it but you are right, HornyCouple, when you tell how it changes a persons life. So too does losing that weight!

 

BTW, these are not the "inches" I was referring to in my signature!

 

Male D

[HornyCouple 15]

DBL D, in my previous situation it was the attitudes and actions that got her that heavy was more of a stressor on the relationship than the weight. That much weight is literally killing someone, bone joints, heart and so forth. The marriage broke up because of the attitudes more so than the weight but i am talking significant weight gain not 20 or so pounds.

[dave110256 21]

Hello again all...........Just got back from grocery shopping, maybe it will help if I do most of the shopping. I bought all healthy foods including fruits, vegetables, lean meats and no sweets............maybe this will help. Just hope she doesn't stop at the bakery on the way home from work.

[HornyCouple 15]

good luck, in my situation she was closet eating. Had friends tell me how much she was eating when nobody was supposedly looking. Either she will want to do it or not w/o your prompting.

 

again, I can sympathize.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Dave, I still thinking you are missing the most important issue and that is WHAT is causing your wife to eat so much more?

 

I brought this topic up with my boyfriend last night and we had a discussion on how to a guy the problem is "she's getting fat", whereas in reality that is just a symptom of a bigger issue.

 

And his words: "If this guy is too oblivious to see that there are bigger issues going on then he is going to end up losing his marriage. They need marriage counseling".

 

Now I thought this was a bit harsh initially and then he pointed out why he feels this way....

 

regarding his first marriage: " I came home one day and my wife was taking a cold shower fully clothed, I didn't even notice or realize there was a problem and at that point it was really too late to save the marriage because I had been too oblivous for too long".

 

Make sure you don't continue to blame the symptom for being the problem, and take some time to find out what the real problem is and fix it instead of trying to fix the symptom. From the sounds of your responses here though, it doesn't sound like you are willing or interested in that and would much rather be concerned with her weight than more important factors and issues in her (and your) life.

[fun_pairTX 26]

There is always the laizzez-faire treatment. Let her grow, there are lots of worse conditions that people can get that don't promote heat in the winter or provide shade in the summer.

[Vespertine 31]

I don't think women necessarily gain weight because there's something wrong.

 

Sometimes the food just tastes really good. facelick

 

I'm guilty of overindulging myself from time to time, just for the hell of it... Simply because I like how Twinkies taste.

 

When we were first married, I only weighed 110 lbs. (I'm 5'7"). I could eat all the Twinkies I wanted, and not gain an ounce. Somewhere along the line my metabolism changed and ten years later, I weigh 135 lbs. I look better I think, more womanly now. I grew boobs.

 

The point I'm trying to make is, now I have to watch what I eat because I tend to gain weight more quickly than I used to. Sometimes I say, "screw it", I don't want to have to forgo that second Twinkie because they're fattening. I'll take the extra pound or two and work it off later or have a salad with my husband if he starts "Moo'ing" at me.

 

I don't think we can presume that something's bothering the OP's wife or project her weight gain on some unknown depression.

 

Maybe she finds the pies tasty this time of year.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I don't think we can presume that something's bothering the OP's wife or project her weight gain on some unknown depression.

 

 

That is possible, but isn't it important to find out, and rule out a much bigger issue rather than just assuming. Too often guys just want to fix the problem rather than finding out the reason behind it and that is the feeling I am getting from Dave in his post and responses here.

[Vespertine 31]

Too often guys just want to fix the problem rather than finding out the reason behind it and that is the feeling I am getting from Dave in his post and responses here.

True!

 

I forgot we were dealing with men here!

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

And his words: "If this guy is too oblivious to see that there are bigger issues going on then he is going to end up losing his marriage. They need marriage counseling".

Dave hasn't said anything about being oblivious to bigger issues. I think most men simply don't know what to do. Let's not tell Dave he's going to lose his marriage over this. We don't need to burden him with that; he'll have enough to deal with when he talks to his wife.

 

Dave's been told by a number of us to set an example...he's gone out today and bought good foods. Let's give him credit for taking some of our advice.

 

I'd bet he's going to talk to his wife very soon as well.

 

Dave has asked, "How do I tell my wife she's gaining weight?"

 

He is looking for advice on what to do about a new situation in their life together. He has no experience with this. And his wife hasn't either.

 

LM

[HornyCouple 15]

every situation is DIFFERENT!!! Julie i hear what you are saying about trying to find the root cause. however, if she does not believe there is a problem, she may never talk. I offered my ex counseling, programs and all. Her doctors informed her that she was stressing her body. Her only response to everybody was that she was dealing with it and to leave her alone. We tried counseling together and the counselor suggested that she go alone for awhile. She stopped at that point and never went back.

 

At one point she thougth she had cancer and was going to die, even that did not wake her up to what she was doing to herself.

 

Maybe i am just a pig headed male here and just wanted the problem "fixed".

[dave110256 21]

Wow........I knew I'd take a little bashing over this, but Julie....please.....I'm not going to lose my marriage over this. Look, I'm not a shrink, I'm just asking for some advice in a difficult situation.

I do love and care about my wife or I wouldn't be asking this in a public forum. I am very comfortable in this forum and thought I could use it to help me solve a personal problem. I think a lot of you have already given me some great advice and ideas that I have already implemented, like groceries and talking about taking a walk, and I am going to talk to her about it.........but timing is everything. When the time is right, I will attept to approach the subject with her, delicately.

Honestly, if it were me getting fat, she could just tell me I looked fat and needed to do something about it...........I'd laugh, it would eat at me for a while (no pun intended), and I'd go on a diet. That's the truth. Not meaning to sound like a male shauvenist, women are a little more sensitive about weight issues than most men. That's why I was hoping to get some advice and opinions on the matter.

I may have offended a few people with my opening remark "eating like a cow"...........if I did, I opoligize to any and all offended. Again, thank you to all who have taken the time to respond and give a little advice.

[Vespertine 31]

Hey Dave...

 

Why do you think your wife will take offense if you flat out told her she's gaining too much weight? Is she usually sensitive about her weight? If she isn't, I don't see what the big deal would be to just candidly bring it up.

 

I also think it's great that you went grocery shopping and picked out healthy items.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Dave,

 

I think the point that isn't getting across is that maybe you don't need to bring up the weight issue (she already knows) instead (and this really should be much easier than talking about her weight) talk to her about what is going on in her life and how she is doing and what you might be able to do to help alleviate any stress or what you can do in general. A simple "is there anything I can help you with around here", or "is there anything you'd like for us to talk about", etc without mentioning the wait as an issue. If she asks you why you are asking these things, just say "well it seems like maybe you are a little stressed out lately and I want to help"... heck that could be a good start to the conversation.

 

I'm not the one who said you'd lose your marriage over this, but I am one who has been in a marriage where the guy paid too little attention to what was going on for too long and who worried more about symptoms than about actual problems and because of that never fixed the problems. The point I'm trying to make is to make sure that you have found hte problem before you try to fix it.

[JnCC 24]

"I am one who has been in a marriage where the guy paid too little attention to what was going on for too long and who worried more about symptoms than about actual problems...sure that you have found the problem before you try to fix it"

 

And I was probably the guy who noticed only the outward symptoms and reacted to them, rather than getting some professional help in the early stages of OUR problem.

 

My ex- was a curvy (and stacked) 160# when we were married, but gained around 75# in the first 4 years of our marriage. Several times, she went on some fad diet and lost most of the weight, only to gain it back within months. Every time WE went through that, it cost the family budget another thousand dollars for the diet, and an additional thousand bucks for a new wardrobe. What I was seeing was her often-bloated body, and the racks of beautiful, worn once, "skinny" clothing in our basement. What I should have been feeling was her sense of misery and disgust with herself at her inability to control her weight, and getting her some professional help to deal with it.

 

We'd both been in decent shape when we met, having participated in several 60-80 mile bicycle rides together in our early years. I thought, "maybe if I lead by example?" So I bought us both memberships at the local gym, and started "leaning down and muscling up." I also resumed biking and rollerblading every weekend. But because of her increasing weight, she felt uncomfortable being seen on her bike. She could no longer ride our horse, for fear that her weight would injure him. She became a victim of her insecurities and sense of despair. Afraid to be seen at the gym or performing exercise, she continued to eat for comfort.

 

One Christmas, I wanted to buy her some "feminine things," some "frillies" to let her know I still thought of her as a very sexy woman. Being a man, and not knowing jack-shit about female clothing sizes, I asked her what size she was. She said "14...I'll be a 14 by Christmas"

 

Well, Christmas morning came, and there she is, sitting in the middle of about $500 worth of Victoria Secret, etc., all sized 14. The problem was, (and I learned this only by finding an article of clothing that she'd neglected to cut the size tag out of) she was a size 22. She hung one of the "size 14" nighties I'd given her on a doorjamb for the remaining two years of our marriage. I'm sure she originally intended it as a "motivator," but I think it became more of an irritant...a constant reminder of her obesity, and her inability to control it.

 

Before long, our problem had become a passive/agressive war between us. I would jog every afternoon with no shirt, just to piss her off. (of course, I'd stop to talk to the pretty ladies in the neighborhood) When I would come home, she would be eating ice cream out of a half-gallon container, just to piss me off. Once the games begin, it's pretty much "over." The resulting divorce was ugly, expensive, and emotionally devastating to our kids.

 

There are as many underlying reasons for obesity as there are solutions for it. An eating disorder is no different from an alcohol disorder or a drug disorder...unless you know what's causing it, you don't know how to fix it. You're going to need professional help to determine what it is. Look at it this way...you can either pay the shrinks now, or you can pay the lawyers later. Neither option is going to be cheap, but ONE of those options will possibly keep your marriage intact. Good luck to you either way...

 

BTW...12 years after our divorce, my ex- is in her late 40's and has yet to remarry or have any kind of "normal" male/female relationship. At times, her weight has approached 300 pounds. Our kids are embarrassed by her erratic and compulsive behavior, her career has hit some snags as a result of her weight, and her prospects for the future don't look bright. I'm not saying this to "dog" on her, but because if you're not able to resolve your situation and you do wind up separating over it, you ought to ask yourself...

 

"This woman is the mother of my kids. Is THIS how I want to leave her?"

[HornyCouple 15]

BTW...12 years after our divorce, my ex- is in her late 40's and has yet to remarry or have any kind of "normal" male/female relationship. At times, her weight has approached 300 pounds. Our kids are embarrassed by her erratic and compulsive behavior, her career has hit some snags as a result of her weight, and her prospects for the future don't look bright. I'm not saying this to "dog" on her, but because if you're not able to resolve your situation and you do wind up separating over it, you ought to ask yourself...

 

JnCC, I can relate all to well, my fear is that my daughter will be embarrassed and all in time by her mother's size/beahvior. Kids can be cruel. My ex was not able to get jobs she wanted because of her size, i know it is not fair but that was the reality of it.

 

Before long, our problem had become a passive/agressive war between us. I would jog every afternoon with no shirt, just to piss her off. (of course, I'd stop to talk to the pretty ladies in the neighborhood) When I would come home, she would be eating ice cream out of a half-gallon container, just to piss me off. Once the games begin, it's pretty much "over." The resulting divorce was ugly, expensive, and emotionally devastating to our kids.

 

again this is exactly my situation, the more determined i was to lead a healthy lifestyle the more determined she was to eat.

 

Also, Julie, i hear you loud and clear to focus on what is causing the underlying problem vs. the symptons but in some cases the person just refuses to admit there is a problem and will not try.

[EvilMJ 65]

I just want to put in one important point....like any kind of addiction....

 

You cannot make someone lose weight until THEY are ready to. You can go on all the diets you want to...but until you are ready to accept the situaton and follow whatever program it is that is required to deal with it, nothing is going to happen.

 

I have been on weight programs before and watched people join up, only to sabatoge themselves, or quit a month into, because mentally they just weren't ready. You have to reach a point yourself where you say "I can't continue like this and have to make a change."

 

Dave, if you are concerned about your wife, then tell her, as everyone has said ask about her feelings, her stress level lately, let her know you love her and are willing to do what ever she requires to help her out.

[northindycpl 32]

This is a sensitive subject and, as the ultimate object of her desire- You need to say ABSOLUTELY nothing about the weight gain, and everything about how much you love and support her. Please take this from a women who has gone from a size 10-24 and back down, repeatedly. If Mr. Indy had ever said anything to me he would have become MR.Ended!

 

Someone said to lead her by example- that is a good step. Start shopping and cooking for her. (and make good stuff that she likes but in a healthy way) Take her for long walks after dinner, because you want to see her under the stars. That kinda stuff.

 

And f**k her passionately and often so she feels sexy again! When a women feels sexy, she feels satisfied.

 

My 2 cents too!

[HornyCouple 15]

You cannot make someone lose weight until THEY are ready to. You can go on all the diets you want to...but until you are ready to accept the situaton and follow whatever program it is that is required to deal with it, nothing is going to happen.

 

EvilMJ you are absolutely 110% correct

 

You need to say ABSOLUTELY nothing about the weight gain

 

northindycpl, i tend to agree and disagree, from the male perspective saying NOTHING can build up such a resentment as JnCC said

our problem had become a passive/agressive war between us

.

 

i said nothing for years until it just exploded and at that point NOTHING would have fixed the marriage.

 

this is a very tough subject and there are as many opinions as there are people as to what to do and there is probably only ONE solution for each situation it is just a matter of figuring out what solution with will for the specific individual.

[dave110256 21]

Thank you to everyone for your suggestions and posts.............this is what happened.

I did not bring it up as many people on here suggested. I bought groceries, continued working out and watching my weight. Two nights ago my wife said to me that she has been really stressed out lately at work and about our finances over the holidays. She said she couldn't "get her fat ass in her clothes anymore" because she had gained so much weight and that she resented me for being so 'under control".

I then asked her how I could help her. She said nobody could help her and that it was somethig she would have to get under control herself but would start that day.

She has...........she is eating fruit, eating less and getting much more excercise......especially in the bedroom. I hope she will continue but I just wanted everyone to know that not saying anything was the right approach. She did tell me that if I had she would have resented it.

Thanks again and Maybe I'll have my thin wife back soon. By the way, she admitted that she has put on 20 pounds.........not that I would have ever asked.

[Denver2some 15]

Wow, Dave ... what a fabulous ending to the story! Or ... just the beginning.

 

Wonderful news. Way to go on being such a supportive, yet quiet, spouse. That's not an easy thing to be sometimes ... but you pulled it off like a champ.

[DBL D 120]

This has worked out great. Never underestimate a womans abiltiy to realize a problem, either yours or hers!

 

I still think a photo or two would look good from the archives in a few years!

 

Male D

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Dave -

 

Wonderful to learn she has come to a decision and is motivated to help herself.

 

Thanks for letting us know.

 

LM

[northindycpl 32]

eating less and getting much more excercise......especially in the bedroom. I hope she will continue but I just wanted everyone to know that not saying anything was the right approach.

 

Dave, I think that is terrific news! I would like to tell you from my perspective this is where your work really begins. It is so important for you to be supportive to her consistantly and not frustrated with her if she slips.

 

I never had a weight problem until I had 3 kids in 5 years. I went from 10-24 back down, in fact up and down a lot. On women, weight is an evil, evil thing! I realized that I do eat sometimes to feel satisfied. And I overeat, by simply being in a constant rush. You mentioned in your post that your wife has been feeling a lot of stress with work and the upcomming holidays- this is the worst time of year for me too!

 

One thing that makes a huge difference to me, is when I feel sexy. No matter what 'weight' I am at, feeling sexy is key. It is so hard to feel sexy when the world is beating down your door, so to speak. The things that make a difference to me- maybe these will help you:

 

-being able to talk to Mr. Indy about what is bothering me, and know that he is listening to me. I mean really focused and listening. When I am complaining to him about work, or all of the things I have to do; it is so important that he listens and lends a hand to make me feel less overwhelmed. If he shares in all of my day-to-day tasks, then he and I have more time to play... and that makes me feel sexy!

 

-Going out for a nice dinner. Believe it or not, when we go out to dinner, just the 2 of us, it makes us slow down when we eat, and I tend to not over eat. it also makes me feel good to get out of the stress of the 'norm' share some special time with my man, and have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.

 

-In our marriage, Mr. Indy is pretty non-judgmental about my weight, I am entirely more sensitive to it than he is. Somehow knowing that, doesn't make it easier for me. What works for me is to flaunt new clothes to him, or new lingerie for him when I have maybe lost some weight, or had a body change of some kind. That makes me feel good. I reward myself for not only weightloss, but also weight maintenance. I have been lossing some weight recently, which prompted me to buy new panties. He really liked that. facelick

 

Like going through the holidays without gaining a pound is a big deal for me- ie I reward myself with a little something.

 

-My biggest challenge is always when I am under stress! I don't quite have it figured out- but I have found that instead of going to lunch with my girlfriends to talk about it, I now meet them for a pedicure- we can still talk, but not with food at hand. Or at night, when Mr. Indy is at work, I have started to read sex improvement books (like the godess series) which helps, instead of eating chips with a movie.

 

The most important thing to remember is to be there to offer support and encouragement to your wife. And enjoy those walks under the stars! Not only is she exercising, but think of all the quiet time you get to spend with her!

 

(as a side note- as if this post could be any longer- there is a great book called Aphrodite... it is part cookbook and part godess manual... it has very sexy reciepies in it for you to cook for her. They are healthy and very sensual. Most of them are quick so you can have them through the week. )

[Hellboy 15]

That's good. If you care about your partner, you can't NOT do anything, but approaching that subject has to be done with tremendous diplomacy. Oddly enough, my wife is much better shape than I am, but about six months ago, she was getting a little lumpy. On her own, she decided she had enough and started hitting the gym like a freak and in 6 months has gone from 160 to 128 and is fantastic shape. And the best thing is that it has increased her libido 1000% and the quality of our sex is at an alltime high. The moral to the story is, the best way to improve your love life is to improve your body. We can't all be magnificent specimens, and God knows I am not, but every little bit boosts self confidence and that+flat out increased flexibility and stamina and muscle control= awesome sex.

 

And in a few months when she is done breast feeding the baby, I'll get my titties back!!!