Dealing with situations that affect your self-esteem

[Spoomonkey 421]

One of the positives in this lifestyle is how it helps self-esteem...

 

One of the negatives is how it can hurt self-esteem...

 

When you guys have things happen - as silly as they may be - that kind of get in deep and bug you quite a bit - how do you deal with it?

 

We recently had a situation where I was really rejected pretty coldly and it sort of bugged me. I honestly am not used to that - not trying to be cocky or anything, but we tend to connect with the right people I guess. We've had people kindly say "no" which we understand - no chemistry, no play, no problem... But we had all actually gotten to a room, played a bit and then it turned into a "reject the monkey" fest...

 

This was a couple of weeks ago and it still kind of eats at me - and I wish I could turn it off...

 

Any suggestions?

 

Any encouragement?

 

I know I'm not perfect, but seriously, couldn't she have said so before we all bothered to go upstairs and get naked?

 

Maybe she's just scared of purple...

 

I hesitate to post this because it gives folks a chance to take a pretty heavy swipe at me, but it is a legitimate question because I am sure it has happened to all of us at one time or the other...

 

Heck - if a chick would reject me, she'd reject anyone

 

Hehe...

 

*sigh*

 

Just kidding...

 

help?

[curiousagain 326]

She probably just realized that once she went monkey she could never go back and decided not to do that.

 

Hey, it's a game of numbers, but I understand that she should have said something before then.

[Vespertine 31]

Aw, poor Spoo...

 

Rejection hurts, no way around that.

 

Perhaps she wasn't into swinging as much as she was trying to be? Maybe her husband persuaded her to swing and she didn't really want to be there in the first place?

 

Maybe your cock was so HUGE it scared her?

[Belkin 15]

You're making a big assumption that she was rejecting you...it could have been that she is new at swinging and suddenly got spooked.

 

It happened to Mrs. Belkin the first time out, and we've seen it happen to at least one other female. In both cases, play time was going just fine and then all of the sudden, it was over...gather up the clothes and head for the door!

 

When Mrs. did it, I waited til later to ask what happened and she filled me in...things had just progressed too fast. She had thought she was ready, but when it got to the thick of it, she realized she needed more time.

 

That's how I recognized it when it happened to the other female. The look on her face was so similar to what Mrs. had done...

 

Relax, my dear ape, it could have been any of a number of things. And if was you after all, hey it's her loss. Things can't go perfect every time. Unfortunately.

[good times 991]

That Sucks!

 

I had some self-esteem problems after I couldn't perform with the same woman three times in a row. The problem was that she would play with me for about 2-3 minutes and if I didn't rise to full staff in that length of time she would quit. The first time my problem was we were in an overcrowded play room and people kept stepping on me. The next time when we played again I new any minute she was going to quit, so I couldn't get it up because I was worried about not being able to get it up fast enough. Then the last time we played just before we started she whispered in my ear "this is your last chance", no pressure there. Of course, I got stressed out and 2 or 3 minutes later she gave up again. Very embarrassing and I couldn't stop dwelling on it for days. I felt so humiliated I just wanted to hide under a rock.

 

The worst part was I got worried that I would be dwelling on it the next time we went to the club and wouldn't be able to get it up then. Luckily it hasn't been a problem since, but it sure made going to the club the next time hard to get enthused about for me.

 

I would be happy to tell you how to deal with it but this happened to me months ago and I still haven't got totally over it yet.

 

On the up side the couple in the above scenario has invited us to play again, but I can tell you before I drop my pants for her we are going to have to have a little talk first because I don't think my ego could handle a fourth no action play session.

[curiousagain 326]

I think Belkin hit the nail on the head.

 

She didn't reject you. She rejected the situation or who knows, maybe she suddenly had a jealousy pang seeing her hubby with Mrs. Spoomonkey??

 

There are a lot of possible reasons, but since it had already involved some play, it's probably not you.

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on that horse!!!!

[Spoomonkey 421]

Well thanks for the encouragement guys

 

I think you are right, Curious... Belkin has an interesting perspective that I - in my pity-wallow - didn't even think of. That actually makes sense - at least it is a viable possibility...

 

Of course, Vespertine makes a good point too

 

Would you be willing to take a look and let me know? I mean - for the sake of not scaring anyone in the future... I can mail it to you - but it will likely have a simian attached...

 

Of course, the fact that it could happen to Good Times proves to me that it could happen to anyone

 

Ever see the "Sunday Ticket" commercial? "40 million people watching... Noooo pressure..."

 

Thanks guys - I can now go in and confidently put it to my snow pure bride... You're all lifesavers!

 

[wildwife1010 15]

Don't let it get to you Spoon. From reading some of your posts and listening to some of the advice that you have given others on here I think you are a good guy. If we lived closer we would enjoy meeting you and the Mrs.

[SexhoundDog 18]

Spoo,

Don't let it bug you. From your posts, it sounds like you're getting to fire off your rocket more than lots of others. You are certainly a philosophical one so look at it this way: You've got to have a shitty experience once in awhile so you'll appreciate the really good ones.

 

Her loss. From your posts and Mrs. Spoo's, it sounds like you're a very considerate lover. So as long as she's not the one rejecting you (and I get the opinion she loves the furry simian types), don't worry, be happy!

 

Now having read that, I bet she's just waiting for you to jump her bones!

[confunktion 20]

Hey Mr. Monkey,

 

I just checked out your Chinese Horoscope today, and you have nothing to worry about. Here are some excerpts:

 

"Fabulous MONKEY is unlike any other animal of the Taoist zodiac, a fearless hero who is much loved and celebrated. MONKEYS never look at the dark clouds. They always enjoy their silver linings and gold sparks."

 

"Regarding loving relationships, no other Chinese Taoist astrological sign produces more charming, amusing, and romantic companions than the MONKEYS."

 

"Most MONKEYS are lively, likable and witty (blessed with acute psychological perspicacity). Highly sociable, most MONKEYS can easily attract a wide circle of acquaintances."

 

Need I go on? Mr. Monkey, the plain truth is this: Women want to BE WITH you, men want to BE you.

 

[ALilOEverything 901]

I think the woman probably had some issues in some form or another too. I know if a guy went as far as to start to play with me and then decided never mind I would be bothered by it too. She could have been feeling so jealous wondering what her husband was doing she just couldn't get into it. There are a ton of other reasons but they all boil down to there is a good chance it wasn't because of you.

 

Though I think she's crazy, I would have given anything to be in her shoes that night

[biblonde 22]

OHHHH Spoo..sorry to hear that but dont worry you are still my favorite monkey!! And I agree with what the others have said..I dont think it was you I think it was swinging in general. If she went and got naked then freaked out...well I dont think she would have gotten naked if she wasnt at least somewhat interested in you.

 

And Goodtimes...how awful. What a total Bitch!! Hey I dont know to many men that would get it up with that kind of attitude. Look at it as her loss and not yours. She probably wasnt that great to start with! Believe me I have been with many men that couldnt get it up fast and some not at all, She should have tried to help you relax some not make you more stressed. A little "hey dont worry about it lets just enjoy what we are doing for now" goes a long way in easing a man's mind and help get things going in the right direction!! if ya know what I mean..lol

 

Anyway both you guys dont worry about it, we all get regected at times and it does hurt like heck...just gotta to think of it like this...her loss not yours and there are many many more out there just waiting to get their hands and other parts on ya!!! I promise I wouldnt run from ya! he he he

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Don't feel bad Spoo! One time, we were playing with one of our play couples after a great night of dinner and drinking (we think we can party like rock stars). All of a sudden, the lady leaves the room. Her husband goes after her, comes back and basically shoos us away to our own room. We were miffed. We thought it was rude that she didn't just tell us that she didn't want to play. We though perhaps we'd done something wrong. The next morning, we found out the ugly truth....the tequilla we'd had while we thought we could party like rock stars, or at least like college kids, didn't agree with her so much and she'd made a fast break to go pray to the porcelian god.

 

In another situation, we were all set to play, but the lady of the other couple took a moment to go to the restroom, saw that her period had started, and called the whole thing off. We didn't find out her reason for hasty retreat until after we'd developed a complex about it either.

 

There could be a billion reasons why things didn't continue in your situation and unless she screamed, pointed, laughed uncontrollably or flat-out said she didn't want anything to do with you, I wouldn't necessarily think it was you, although I do understand it's easy to jump to that conclusion. Chin up!

 

Pepper

[good times 991]

And Goodtimes...how awful. What a total Bitch!! Hey I dont know to many men that would get it up with that kind of attitude. Look at it as her loss and not yours. She probably wasnt that great to start with! Believe me I have been with many men that couldnt get it up fast and some not at all, She should have tried to help you relax some not make you more stressed. A little "hey dont worry about it lets just enjoy what we are doing for now" goes a long way in easing a man's mind and help get things going in the right direction!! if ya know what I mean..lol

 

I agree with what you’re saying but I may have given the wrong impression in my attempt not to write a novel here.

 

I think that the problem here has more to do with what she is used to and lack of communication on my part. We have played successfully with this couple and I am just not as fast as her husband, in fact, the last time we played successfully I was just really getting into it when I noticed Mrs. GT and the male of the couple sitting there looking at us. They were finished already in about 1/4 the time it took us to get finished. Her husband is the fastest out of the box and the fastest to finish of anybody I've ever seen (Mrs. GT say's its good while it lasts though). Even though she is a very attractive woman she also seems to be a little insecure sometimes. So when for various reasons little GT doesn't immediately jump to attention she takes it personally, obviously thinking it is her fault. I am hoping that if I sit down and talk to her about it and explain that I am just a little slower to get going than what she is used to we may be able to proceed with no further problems in the future (I hope).

[EvilMJ 65]

I agree with what you’re saying but I may have given the wrong impression in my attempt not to write a novel here.

 

I think that the problem here has more to do with what she is used to and lack of communication on my part. We have played successfully with this couple and I am just not as fast as her husband, in fact, the last time we played successfully I was just really getting into it when I noticed Mrs. GT and the male of the couple sitting there looking at us. They were finished already in about 1/4 the time it took us to get finished. Her husband is the fastest out of the box and the fastest to finish of anybody I've ever seen (Mrs. GT say's its good while it lasts though). Even though she is a very attractive woman she also seems to be a little insecure sometimes. So when for various reasons little GT doesn't immediately jump to attention she takes it personally, obviously thinking it is her fault. I am hoping that if I sit down and talk to her about it and explain that I am just a little slower to get going than what she is used to we may be able to proceed with no further problems in the future (I hope).

 

Hey Mr. Good times..

 

I hear you on this one. My Hubby is a little slower at the start than the husband of the couple we play with, but he lasts much longer. Maybe there is something to that . Ofcourse my friend is a wonderful woman who takes this all instride and makes it her duty to make sure that he has a good time, even it takes a few extra minutes.

 

As with everything else in the world , good things are worth the wait!

 

And Spoo..

 

Judging from the responses of all us monkey loving swinger women...I don;t think you have anything to worry about.

[curiousagain 326]

I looked up my chinese horoscope, interesting. I am a fire monkey. Does that mean I should have red hair all over???

 

Sorry spoo, not trying to hijack the thread. But, if you're still out of kilter, I think you ought to host a party and let all your female fans massage your...ego!!! Thought I was gonna say something else, didn't you???

[EvilMJ 65]

curiousagain said:

Sorry spoo, not trying to hijack the thread. But, if you're still out of kilter, I think you ought to host a party and let all your female fans massage your...ego!!! Thought I was gonna say something else, didn't you???

Hey Spoo...I think I finally found the place to start that worship me thread.... .....

thanks Curiousagain....I have been trying to find the perfect place to bring that up...heh heh...

[Spoomonkey 421]

Evil - and I was trying to be so sly about it

 

Thanks all (Funk brother, Hound Dog, Lilo, WildWife, biblond, P&D, et al.)! I owe you all a beer - and I promise to make it a brand I don't slosh around in all the time! And if you don't drink beer - you can ceremoniously pour it out... Right down the gullet of our beer starved brother CuriousAgain.

 

You guys are great!

 

We are off tonight to "get back on the horse" so to speak... I promise to report whether or not my ego was "revived"... Unless I literally "get on a horse" in which case, I'd rather not talk about it.

 

We went to a catholic wedding last night - and I left (well, was kicked out really) wondering which was wilder - a swing club or a catholic wedding reception...

[BradAndJanet 70]

Spoomonkey said:

.... I promise to report whether or not my ego was "revived"...

Good, but if it isn't, Janet says she'd be more than happy to soothe the damage to your ego. Or, any other parts that need soothing.

 

Spoomonkey said:

....We went to a catholic wedding last night - and I left (well, was kicked out really) wondering which was wilder - a swing club or a catholic wedding reception...

My first 'swinging' experience (at 14) was with a Catholic schoolgirl and a friend of mine. I still have a plaid fetish... facelick

[jim-n-nicole 15]

Spoomonkey said:

We went to a catholic wedding last night - and I left (well, was kicked out really) wondering which was wilder - a swing club or a catholic wedding reception...

Okay, I hate to take this off topic, but what exactly did you do to get kicked out of a reception? Did they find out that you like to monkey around?

[Spoomonkey 421]

jim-n-nicole said:

Okay, I hate to take this off topic, but what exactly did you do to get kicked out of a reception? Did they find out that you like to monkey around?

 

Actually - it was just time to go... "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here"

 

It was a late, wild night... After the reception, we went with some friends out to a bar, until they closed...

 

I have a feeling by tomorrow morning, I am going to be sleeping face down in a bowl of oatmeal or something...

[midnight hour 16]

Well as sucky as it is self esteem wise may I the way you handled it...because for what ever reason she halted... and remember Mrs. Spoo always has the option also...one never knows when you will suddenly feel like backing out...

I figure it might have been too much too soon..or a tummy problem...or who knows..gas

[DBL D 120]

Hey Mr. Spoo,

 

The things ya miss when ya leave for a day or two!

 

Sometimes the rope you're swinging on just breaks. Why? You could spend some Spoo money and find the cause but sometimes ropes just break through No Fault of Your Own.

 

We've all had those things happen that seem to make no sense. I had a lady say to Fem D that she just couldn't be with someone who has long hair (Me). Seems she likes the policeman type. So what happened to the vice squad?

 

Oh well, be like a shark (If a monkey can think that way!) and keep on moving.

 

Male D

 

(I'll have that beer now!)

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Seriously Spoo, I've met you and Mrs Spoo and I can't see any reason why anyone would reject either of you. You didn't really tell us what happened during the course of the rejection, but I have to go with the theory that either she decided she just couldn't handle the monkey, or she just wasn't really ready in general to swing.

 

So did you get upstairs, get your clothes off and she just took off running back downstairs? or what?

[Spoomonkey 421]

JustAskJulie said:

So did you get upstairs, get your clothes off and she just took off running back downstairs? or what?

 

Well - we were all in a room. We gave massages, which was nice; something we've never really done. Towards the end of it, we started pairing off a bit - Mrs Spoo and the other guy started getting frisky and she responded to some of my attentions really well...

 

But - once she had her fun - and Mrs Spoo and her husband were going to another level - I naturally assumed that we could head that direction, too. I got the "that's okay" and was rather stunned...

 

Needless to say, I gave Mrs Spoomonkey one of our discrete looks that said, "stop what you're doing." And we switched back to our own partners.

 

I am beginning to think there was something else going on - not that I'm not rejectable. I know better - I went to junior high school. But to get that far, there had to be something to trigger it...

 

Maybe she thought the monkey face was a mask...

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

good times said:

I think that the problem here has more to do with what she is used to and lack of communication on my part. We have played successfully with this couple and I am just not as fast as her husband, in fact, the last time we played successfully I was just really getting into it when I noticed Mrs. GT and the male of the couple sitting there looking at us. They were finished already in about 1/4 the time it took us to get finished.

 

Mr Spoo is never in a hurry, we're not in this for the "quickie". We had a similar experience with a new couple and the male 1/2 didn't give me a lot of attention before he was finished and we found ourselves sitting and watching Mr.Spoo and his wife.

 

So Mr. GT . . . I wouldn't mind at all if you were a little slower getting started. I believe in savoring the moment

[good times 991]

So Mr. GT . . . I wouldn't mind at all if you were a little slower getting started. I believe in savoring the moment

 

Ah, my kind of girl, thanks for the kind words. Mr. spoo and I are pretty darned lucky.

 

I think in this regard Mrs. GT and myself are pretty evenly matched, we both like to start slow and enjoy the longer ride.

[curiousagain 326]

But - once she had her fun - and Mrs Spoo and her husband were going to another level - I naturally assumed that we could head that direction, too. I got the "that's okay" and was rather stunned...

Spoomonkey

 

At the risk of not sounding as polite as Spoomonkey, I take it she orgasmed during foreplay and then decided that was enough of playing?

 

If that was the case, I think selfish is ONE word you could describe her with. But, then again, maybe after orgasm she doesn't produce much wetness and she was too embarressed to suggest lube, I don't know. This just wouldn't be right though.

[HotMoCpl 20]

Hey Spoo, chalk it up to experience and lessons learned. Just remember that life is real and sh_t can and will happen. Its all a matter of handling rejection.

 

Cheers.

[Guest smileytattoo]

After the first time, which was bad all the way around... the next two times hubby and I were swinging, the guy just couldnt get it up with me. I tried several things, for more than a few minutes. And was so hurt as a result, I felt there must have been something wrong with me. So later I chatted with both couples and told them how I felt (I actually cried after the second time). I guess the guys were more comfortable chatting about it on the computer instead of face to face. They both told me I was WAY more aggressive than what they were used to, it was intimidating. So the next time I was with one of the guys, I was a little more reserved at first, until we were in the middle of it, then I felt he was more comfortable for me to be me. turns out that when we got done (it was at a house party) Everyone downstairs started cheering "10". We both laughed and it turned out great. The other guy, well we have not been with them since.... You win some you lose some.