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SamIAm

Lost in emotions over my wife's actions!

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Hi all, I am a bite down today :( and I’m not sure were to start. I guess a brief summery of us would be good.

 

We started swinging back in late April. That is when we had our first threesome (MFM). Not to say if a MFM is a truly swinging! We live in a small town in Colorado. So to find someone to help us with our first threesome we had to travel a couple of hours. Well, since then, we have met someone from our town and that person was our 2nd threesome (MFM). This guy is married and says that his wife knows and they are okay with playing with out one another. Okay! :confused: We have only met up with him once so far back in late September.

 

Well, my wife and I chat with him often, on the net. Her more then me! Which really doesn’t bother me? I know I can come home and read what they talked about on the message archive. This brings me up to what is on my mind. head bang

 

They chatted two days ago. I got home from work and wanted to read what they chatted about, but when I went to go to bring it up, it seem to be a problem that I was doing that with my wife. She felt that I always don’t need to run up to the computer and bring up the archive and start reading it. I don’t do this everyday mind you. Any how, I didn’t read it that night. I emailed it to my work so I could read it the next day, witch was yesterday.

 

Here is some of the chat from two days ago:

 

Wife (1:25:57 PM): Hey sexy, are you still working these days?

The Guy (1:26:12 PM): LOL

The Guy (1:26:17 PM): yeah I am how about you sexy?

Wife (1:26:27 PM): no

Wife (1:26:40 PM): are you home 4 lunch?

The Guy (1:26:48 PM): yeah

The Guy (1:26:53 PM): two hour lunch LOL

Wife (1:27:02 PM): nice.

Wife (1:27:28 PM): so a little lunch and a little fun..can't beat that!

The Guy (1:28:04 PM): nope

The Guy (1:28:11 PM): would love to have some fun in real life

Wife (1:28:31 PM): as do I!

Wife (1:28:40 PM): w/u.

The Guy (1:29:11 PM): yes definately with you

The Guy (1:29:21 PM): maybe I could come over and Sam could watch us on cam

Wife (1:29:43 PM): great idea..but Sam would not want that.

The Guy (1:30:09 PM): yeah I know

The Guy (1:30:12 PM): lol

Wife (1:30:15 PM): well I have to go...daughter home sick from school....

Wife (1:30:19 PM): have fun.

The Guy (1:30:33 PM): bumer

Wife (1:30:33 PM): and hope to cam with you soon!

The Guy (1:30:35 PM): ttyl then

The Guy (1:31:01 PM): yeah totally!!

Wife (1:32:59 PM): sounds great to me...just Im me when you want to...except right now...lol

Wife (1:33:02 PM): bye.

 

Nothing much there, but I do like the fact that She told him that I would not want that. Okay, here so some more of there chat from later on two day ago.

 

Wife (9:33:53 PM): hello

The Guy (9:34:00 PM): hi there

Wife (9:34:08 PM): whatcha doing?

The Guy (9:34:18 PM): just checking email and stuff

The Guy (9:34:21 PM): you?

Wife (9:34:22 PM): cool.

The Guy (9:34:26 PM): is this Samantha or Sam?

Wife (9:34:42 PM): digging my x mas shit out of the crawl space..lol

Wife (9:34:52 PM): Samantha

The Guy (9:34:59 PM): cool

The Guy (9:35:05 PM): hey there sexy

Wife (9:36:42 PM): so your checking e mail..anything else FUN?

The Guy (9:37:01 PM): nope wish i was doing something fun with you tho

Wife (9:39:20 PM): so have you been getting sex now?

The Guy (9:39:38 PM): nope she still hasnt gotten her pills

The Guy (9:41:20 PM): need some vigorous activity to keep us warm

Wife (9:42:11 PM): sound real good to me!

The Guy (9:42:32 PM): well you just tell me when and where?

The Guy (9:42:40 PM): like tomorrow would be perfect LOL

Wife (9:42:48 PM): now would be great!

The Guy (9:43:02 PM): yes...yes it would LOL

Wife (9:43:59 PM): r u on cam?

The Guy (9:44:13 PM): nope

The Guy (9:44:15 PM): why do you ask?

Wife (9:44:37 PM): just curious...and imagining!

The Guy (9:44:46 PM): mmm

The Guy (9:44:51 PM): you up for playing in the mornging?

Wife (9:45:17 PM): sounds like fun..but Sam won't be here.

The Guy (9:45:27 PM): on cam of course

The Guy (9:45:35 PM): LOL

Wife (9:46:03 PM): maybe I can watch you ....if you don't mind.

The Guy (9:46:14 PM): I dont mind

The Guy (9:46:20 PM): but i cant watch you??

The Guy (9:49:18 PM): ??

Wife (9:50:04 PM): not tomorrow..sorry.

The Guy (9:50:10 PM): why not??

Wife (9:50:46 PM): Sam want's me to cam when he is around.

The Guy (9:50:53 PM): oh gotcha

The Guy (9:50:54 PM): bummer

The Guy (9:51:01 PM): he didn’t like it last time we did it?

Wife (9:51:36 PM): yes he enjoys it..but when he is around.

The Guy (9:51:51 PM): well I meant the last time me and you did it with out him

The Guy (9:51:59 PM): that is cool I dont want to cause any problems

Wife (9:54:04 PM): well I'm not sure.

Wife (9:54:17 PM): your not causing problems to me.

The Guy (9:55:32 PM): ok good

Wife (9:55:41 PM): so are you still working on that basement?

The Guy (9:55:46 PM): yep

The Guy (9:55:59 PM): this week I am just kinda going in on my schedule

Wife (9:56:06 PM): nice!

The Guy (9:56:13 PM): yep

Wife (9:56:44 PM): so are you going to be alone anytime soon?

The Guy (9:56:54 PM): not sure

The Guy (9:57:10 PM): she mentioned going down to Denver to visit family but I dont know when?

Wife (9:57:21 PM): cool...

Wife (9:57:47 PM): keep us posted if you want to get together!

The Guy (9:58:06 PM): I definately want to fuck you again if that is what you mean

Wife (9:58:23 PM): well I wasn't asking that!

Wife (9:58:30 PM): but it's good to know.

The Guy (9:58:34 PM): sorry

The Guy (9:58:37 PM): lol

Wife (9:59:30 PM): so I can have our daughter to stay over at my brothers house for a night if you wanted to get together on a weekend.

The Guy (10:00:04 PM): very cool!!!

Wife (10:00:27 PM): so he will watch her.

The Guy (10:00:58 PM): cool!

Wife (10:01:54 PM): well I guess that i will let you go.

The Guy (10:02:14 PM): ok luv

Wife (10:02:23 PM): have a good night.

The Guy (10:02:30 PM): you too sexy

The Guy (10:02:32 PM): ttyl!

 

There is some stuff I question on this chat, that I didn't know of as well.

 

Sorry All, I’m having a hard time typing this up. Not that good at getting what I want to say, out.

 

I’ve been up front with my wife about how I don’t want her to play one on one with anybody :nono:, that we should be in this together. And she has respected that. I feel that she is being very up front with me. And it seem to me she is let this guy know that I want to be a part of what is going on.

 

But yesterday, they chatted… and he had his cam on for her. Once again, I don’t really care if he shows her; I just want to be around if she shows him. Insecure I’m sure I am, but want to be in this together. Well, yesterday when I got home, I went to bring up there chat. It had been deleted :confused:. All the others chats were there from that day, but that one. I asked her about it, and she said, she didn’t know what happened to it. Well, my mind started rolling and I got mad :mad:. We got into a small argument about this. I asked her a few times what did they talked about and some how it never really got answered. Maybe we were just too busy bickering.

 

I wish I wasn’t up-set :sad:. After yesterday missing chat, I am getting a feeling that she was trying to hide what they talked about. I hate this feel. Wish I could change it. :sad:

 

What are your thoughts on this? Am I making this something that it is not? Could the chat have disappeared because of some kind of computer problem? Maybe in my state of mind, I should just back off. I’m just so confused. Surrender

 

Thanks all for listing.

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I am not sure if the chat can automatically be deleted without help. I am not a tech, but I would think that it would have to have been deleted manually.

 

I would have been uncomfortable with them chatting alone in the first place. I would be uncomfortable with the referance he made of his wife going to Denver so he could play with you two. I would be uncomfortable with the playful way she told him "no" which sounded to me like more of a "maybe, just need more convincing." I would be uncomfortable with the deletion, and most importantly

I WOULD BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HER AVOIDING THE PROBING OF YOUR QUESTIONS.

 

Always trust your gut instincts. If something is wrong.. you know it is. People who live honestly have nothing to hide, therefore have nothing to delete, or questions to avoid.

 

I would immediately call her to a conversation about this situation. I would tell her that you are uncomfortable and end the relationship with this man immediately. If she hesitates then you have the answer you are looking for, but don't want to admit.

 

I doubt very seriously, that this mans wife knows anything about his escapades and I certainly wouldn't let a man like that in my bedroom.

If he can cheat on his own wife, what makes you think he won't cheat with yours?

 

Swinging is about open communication with each other, and it never works if anyone is uncomfortable with any aspect of it. This is an activity that you do together, not alone.

 

Sorry to hear of your troubles! :(

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I've lost bits of chat history before. But it does appear a little suspicious given some of the things being mentioned. Dod you know before about them web camming alone without you?

 

The fact that you are having suspicions speaks to a trust issue that appears to be developing, however. Once the two of you have calmed down enough you should really have a good chat about this. Tell her that you are feeling uncomfortable with the situation and that you're feeling left out with all this chatting going on without you. Whether or not you are justified in your feelings is of less importance than the existance of the feelings. The two of you may need to have a talk about how both of you can insure that you are feeling more included in the situation. You could assure your wife that you aren't accusing her of anything but that you are feeling left out and that you don't want to see this become a big problem - which is why you are wanting to address it. In the end you have to work out something that leaves you both feeling loved and accepted.

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oh - and I forgot about the cheating issue. Are you sure this guy is being entirely honest with his wife? This guy might be more trouble that he is worth. This is definitely an issue that needs to be addressed.

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Not saying that deleting the chat was ok, just offering a different idea, if it was on yahoo. It has happened to me & to hubby. We can be chatting away, & something happens to the comp or yahoo locks up. If I restart my comp, the whole conversation is gone. No archive of it, but all the others will be there. Not saying that is what happened, but maybe you could ask you wife if that is what happened. But I wouldn't offer up the idea, just maybe ask if she had comp problems or something. Sorry if this didn't help, lol.

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I'd trust your gut. the second chat you posted even mentions them doing 'it' without you knowing about it.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but in our rules, ANYTHING hidden, concealed or especially outright lied about itsn't swinging, its cheating.

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Hey Sam,

 

This is a long reply, so bear with me.

 

The guy is most likely doing this without his wife's knowledge, and that is a disaster waiting to happen. :nono:

 

But besides that ...

 

One of the first things we learned when we started was ... all feelings are valid. So although you don't like the feelings you are having right now, they are valuable because they are telling you something: you're not comfortable with the situation. You need to share that with your wife. Right away.

 

Most couples agree when they start out that if something feels wrong for one, both stop that activity or situation. Sometimes, after some good communication, you can get to the bottom of the concern and all is well, and you can resume. Sometimes not, and it becomes a "we don't do X" kind of rule going forward.

 

Although yes, that archive could have been "lost" it may be that she deleted it. Maybe she reread it herself and thought, "Hmm ... I was being a little too flirty and suggestive here." Or, "That could be interpreted as really inviting him over or to cam, rather than just teasing about it." So she deleted it because she felt a little weird about what she said. (And maybe a little defensive.) Not a good decision, but we all make mistakes.

 

The problem here is she broke one rule you had set: that you get to read all chats. You need to talk to her (calmly) and explore with her why the rule is important to you. Not because you don't trust her, but because you want to be a part of things. After all, this is something you are doing together. There may be other reasons you made the rule, like it turns you on to read her teasing another man ... if so, tell her that too. That way it doesn't seem like you are "checking up on her" and make her defensive. I wouldn't address the "lost" chat at all, but rather talk about the chatting/archiving/reading process overall as something that is important to you. Share how it is making you feel. Word it "this situation is making me feel ..." rather than "you are making me feel." Ask her how she feels when she's chatting without you there ... maybe she likes it at the time, it's a kick ... but she feels guilty afterwards about being flirty and questions her own behavior (hence the delete.) You can learn all kinds of interesting things about yourself and your spouse by doing this kind of communicating.

 

If you can't resolve things to your comfort level, I would recommend issuing a (at least temporary) "no chatting/camming solo" rule. Take a step back.

 

Good luck!

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I doubt very seriously, that this mans wife knows anything about his escapades and I certainly wouldn't let a man like that in my bedroom.

 

If he can cheat on his own wife, what makes you think he won't cheat with yours?

Dito

 

When you said this man was playing without his wife, that's all it took for me to make my decision.

 

Get rid of this guy!

 

You made a poor decision by inviting that guy to swing with you.

 

Choosing a guy like that is asking shit to happen.

 

LM

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On the surface I thought that the chatting looked ok. She wanted to involve you and didn't do certain things while you were gone.

 

Later on , I got a different feeling....that she wants to be with this guy...alone. Some people want to be alone with someone else for reasons of their own. If the rules you have made and try to keep say that you only do things as a pair you both should try to keep to that.

 

About the "single" guy. One thing I have read (because we haven't decided to do a MFM yet) is to talk with the other mans lady and get her feel on it. If she's okay with it then everything should be cool. If he never wants to let you speak with her, that is a red flag.

 

Male D

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SamIAm,

LikeMinds quoted the EXACT thing I was going to quote in my reply. With the possible exception of the deleted e-mail, your wife appears to have been pretty good about making it clear that your involvement is necessary if he wants to play. Good for her on that account.

 

However, the e-mails where he asks is this Sam or Samantha makes me think that however that question is answered will determine how he converses. And there is no question of a doubt that he isn't to be trusted. Reading what their e-mails say tells me this guy is tempting the hell out of your wife to be with him with or without your knowledge.

 

Add to that the fact that he is blatantly cheating on his wife and I can recommend to you in no uncertain terms TRASH THIS GUY NOW !!

 

You're asking for trouble if you don't. I hope your wife agrees, or you'd better consider counseling. I wish you the very best of luck.

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We don't have a problem with asking who we are talking to even though the messages will be stored. Conversations can't be made too generic.

 

Male D

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Very Scary!

 

The way this guy talks in the chats and the way he keeps bringing up that he is willing to play with your wife without you, even though he has been told numerous times that that isn't ok tells me on thing loud and clear, CHEATING doesn't bother him a bit. That would also lead me to believe, like others here, that his wife probably doesn't know either and he is cheating on her too. We always tell potential playmates that we only play together and if they were to bring up playing seperate after we told them it wasn't cool with us we would break off that relationship right there.

 

Dump him quick, is my recommendation, time to kick him to the curb. Then talk extensively with the wife and not swing again until you are both clear on your boundries.

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I agree with what some of the others have said, SamIam. I think you made a mistake getting involved with this guy without meeting his wife to be sure he isn't cheating. However, from your wife's conversation with him, I firmly believe his wife has no idea this has been going on and you can pretty-much be assured your wife is not the only woman he's fucked outside his marriage.

 

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned or packing a Colt .45! You'd be a damn sight better off without this guy. If your wife can't see that, I agree that y'all need to find a counselor.

 

If y'all can get this episode behind yourselves without damaging your marriage, and I hope y'all can, you might considering playing with couples in the future. They don't generally pose such problems, because most married guys who swing won't try to get a one-on-one with a wife. They know it's way out of order to even ask.

 

You can easily have a MFM with a couple, not to mention an FMF, MFMF...

 

Single but married honest cheaters are to be avoided like the plague!

 

Also, if your wife lied to you about the missing chat, you have serious matters that need to be fixed before any more outside play.

 

Mr. Alura

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Wife (9:56:44 PM): so are you going to be alone anytime soon?

The Guy (9:56:54 PM): not sure

The Guy (9:57:10 PM): she mentioned going down to Denver to visit family but I dont know when?

Wife (9:57:21 PM): cool...

Wife (9:57:47 PM): keep us posted if you want to get together!

 

This really bugged me! To me this says wifey doesnt know anything about it!! If he cheats on his own wife he will try to get your wife to cheat on you!!! Cheating is such a big NO NO especially in this lifestyle. And like Mr. Alura said ...nothing like a woman scorned...if she finds out she may come after you wife ...I know I would go after any woman who cheated with my hubby...after I delt with him of course since it takes two . I would really worry about the missing IM...I have never had just one out of the day up and disapear..sounds real fishy along with the fact that she got upset if you were going to read them. I do chat when hubby is at work but I always tell him about it and tell him to read our chatt. I want him to know everything that was said. I have nothing to hide from him and he does the same thing back to me.

 

just my 2 cents for the day

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Gotta agree with everyone.

The minute the person you are chatting with starts making requests to see you without your husband or have 'cam' sesssions without your husband, I would drop him like a hot potato. It smacks of disrespect and cheating.

 

We have a rule that if something is making one of us uncomfortable it stops....there doesn't even have to be a reason...it just stops. We love each other and our marriage is more important than some guy. THere are lots of guys out there...take the time to chose one that respects both your wife and you, or just swing with couples.

 

Either way you need to get out of this situation and maybe make some new rules

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Somebody's not playing fair. Ask to speak to this guy's wife about her being okay with him playing on his own. If he balks, your suspicions will be confirmed. The fact that he and your wife are discussing her being out of town worries me more than a little. If the wifey is ok with his going solo, why does he need her to be out of town? Plus the little bit of chat:

 

The Guy (9:51:51 PM): well I meant the last time me and you did it with out him

 

What the hell is 'it'? Were you aware of any 'it' going on without you? I'm not trying to inflame anything, but I'm just pointing out the little red flags that I see going up.

 

If this was happening in my own relationship and it was my husband doing the chatting with another woman (who was married but it was 'ok'), I'd be asking him what his intentions were. Are you seriously interested in this woman? If you are, and if you feel that she can treat you better than I can, then by all means make a choice! Just realize that by making her a priority of over me, you are choosing your infatuation with her over the love I'm offering you. I won't stand in the way of his happiness and he is bound here only by his own choosing, but I'd make sure he knew just what he was risking losing before he left for some woman who won't treat him right. I wouldn't be angry that he'd choose someone else over me if it would make him truly a happier, more fulfilled person; I'd be really angry that he'd choose a selfish twit with no integrity over me. That's just a poor decision, plain and simple.

 

Ok, getting a little carried away here :) Anyway, this is just what I would do if it was my and my husband's problem. Nobody has to follow suit.

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Sam,

 

Communication with your wife is the key. As others have told you, calmly talk with your wife about your feelings and tell your wife you appreciate the fact she tells the other guy nothing goes on without you. When you both agreed to swing, you made the decision together and that is how it should be or else it is no longer swinger. Is it possible that you and your wife could chat with the other guy only when you both are there? That might take away possible temptations or cut off any potential dangerous situation before it could start. Hope everyone's two cents has helped in one way or another. Take care and good luck

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To Everybody,

 

Thank you for all of your input. :) I did write her a letter on how I have been feeling after I posted this. She had not read it yet. We were very busy this weekend, but I did calmly talk to her also about what was going on as well.

 

I don’t have much time to respond to all of you and your questions, I’m sorry but I will try to address them soon. But I do want to quickly address some of the stuff I’ve done since the 1st posting.

 

As far as the deleted chat, she said she really didn’t know you could delete chats from the massage archive. She is kind of new at using computers, so I guess I’ll have to take her word on this. Plus, I don’t want to push it.

 

The guy! I did talk to him last Friday. A told him I was upset and why. He told me pretty much the same thing my wife told me they talked about. This was nothing big to me. He cammed, showing her for a few minutes and then she got off. I did talk to him about his wife. Once again saying that she is not into this lifestyle right now, that she is taken a break and that she told him it is okay to play solo. Well, I did tell him that we would like to talk to her someday and he said, he was fine with that. We will see!!! LOL… I will post the chat I had with him if you guys want me too.

 

I will keep you informed on anything else that comes up and sure am glad I have this web site and you people to turn to for input.

 

Once again, Thanks!!! Have a great day. Sorry for the drama. soapbox

 

SamIAm

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Glad to know things are moving in a better direction for you, and you are feeling better!

 

Regardless, I feel very strongly that you should get rid of the guy. There are plenty of fish in the sea.....

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Guest burriesci

sam i'm sorry u feel confused and hurt, but i do have to agree w/ the others. i don't think his wife knows anything that is going on. if that is true that will be a big problem for you. also what bothers me is if is wife doesn't know, does that mean samantha knows the truth? if so that is not good that she's hiding that from u. another person wrote cancel this whole thing and if your wife has a problem w/ that then there's your answer. hopefully everything is just fine and your just getting upset for no reason. one more thing my opinion maybe u should just try couples. good luck to u both. Rita

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Here's another vote for saying good bye to the guy. He sounds like nothing but trouble. And as far as the chat disappearing...well I'm cynical about human nature, and even more cynical about coincidence, i.e. the chat disappears when things seem to be heating up. Certainly understand not pushing it with the wife...but I would remain at a heightened sense of awareness. Someone suggested sticking with couples- not bad advice.

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I really wonder about this guy's honesty in regards to his wife. My suggest would be to not play with him again until after you have been able to talk to his wife. If you have his number, why not just call her at home and ask her about it. It will either a) clear your mind or b) put him in the hot water he would rightfully deserve.

 

If you are uncomfortable with this guy then you might want to have your wife discontinue any chats with him till your questions have been cleared up.

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I really wonder about this guy's honesty in regards to his wife. My suggest would be to not play with him again until after you have been able to talk to his wife. If you have his number, why not just call her at home and ask her about it. It will either a) clear your mind or b) put him in the hot water he would rightfully deserve.

 

If you are uncomfortable with this guy then you might want to have your wife discontinue any chats with him till your questions have been cleared up.

 

Sam,

I tend to agree with Julie on calling him up. This situation has been causing you a lot of termoil, and I see no reason for putting a stop to how you are feeling, by getting rid rid of your fears, so to speak.

 

Julie is right about calling. You will know once and for all.

 

Take care!

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Thank you all for your thoughts and replies. As far as anything else new, not much has changed. To bad.. We have just been to busy to get on line. I'm just at the point were I don't give a crap. If something happens, it happens... I'm sure I'll be back on for some more help when and if I need it. Once again, Thanks all...

 

TTYL :)

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Sam,

 

This may be blunt, but here it goes.

 

You need to put an end to this dude now! He is systematically working your wife, looking for an opening. He will take small steps towards doing things behind your back until he feels she is comfortable, and will then look for the next opening.

 

I don't buy the mysterious missing archives either. You dont have to be a rocket scientist to figure out where they are kept and how to turn them off. This is already out of bounds and needs to be terminated without hesitation. If your wife gives you flak, then you should know something is up. For the sake of your marrage and love for your wife, end it and don't look back.

 

The Mr.

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Here's some food for thought. I want you to listen carefully and do a lot of hard thinking.

 

As a recruiter for the Army some years ago, we were taught a saying to live by as often things could fall through the cracks.

"You can't have what you never had".

 

Maybe its time to cover your six and start think harder about the "what if's" that can happen in life. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about here. Worst case scenario, you two split up....let's hope not thought.

 

Cheers.

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Sam.........I have to agree with Mr. BiBlonde in that you need to take care of this problem ASAP. Something is happening here you may not be able to see with emotions getting in the way. I can see that you want to believe your wife as she tells you nothing is going on. But on the other hand she with her own emotions may be so drawn in she may not be seeing things clear at this time.

Given time without contact with him she may be able to see what Mr. BB said. "He is looking for the next opening" and will use it when he feels it's safe to do so. Keep your eyes OPEN if you want to save your marriage.

Good Luck we wish you well.

Fem D

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TWe have just been to busy to get on line. I'm just at the point were I don't give a crap. If something happens, it happens.

 

I'm no expert, but this just seems awful. Badbadbadbadbad ... Bad.

 

There is a potential for more than just sex happening here. There are *two* families juggling fire in this, and everyone involved needs to pay attention to where the torches are, or someone will get burned.

 

For the want of a nail ...

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Hi all, I know it has been a long time. But I wanted you to all know that everything is much better now. Some stuff has changes which has help both us grow stronger.

 

Once again, I just wanted to thank everybody for you words and help.

 

TTYAL,

 

Sam xoxoxo :kissface::)

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About the "single" guy. One thing I have read (because we haven't decided to do a MFM yet) is to talk with the other mans lady and get her feel on it. If she's okay with it then everything should be cool. If he never wants to let you speak with her, that is a red flag.

 

Male D

 

This is IT. I doubt she (his wife) knows anything about this and he's trouble - unhappiness breeds and if he's in an unhappy marriage guess what he'll do to yours. I'm not saying its intentional but I wouldn't want him near us.

 

The reason people seem to want to meet is that the online stuff is too easy and too intimate too early. AND there's less percieved risk "it's only online" is a dangerous excuse that sits in our minds. There's too much room for deception.

 

My advise - wipe a clean slate discuss your fellings - agree to diagree if needed - Kill the online stuff and get to some parties. Meet with couples, face to face and only couples until the trust is back by the truck load. Then you are both on an even footing (both has the same to lose).

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A lot of great ideas have been expressed here. I agree with most of them. One thing I didn't see touched on, is the fact that you are still relatively new to swinging. Mistakes can be made in abundance...I know, we made a lot of them. It goes back to the communication. Sit down with your wife and take the time to adjust your rules, discuss what bothers each of you and find a resolution. Only then should you resume swinging, in any shape or form. Be it web cam, instant messaging, or doing the ditty. The excitement of doing something that both are in total agreement would be fun, can place you in situations that are less than exciting or fun, for either one or both of you. Clearly you are in a less than fun state, and I would be willing to bet your wife is too. She may feel sucked into this person (which I wholeheartedly agree you need to talk to his wife) and not know how to get out of the situation without seeming like a prude. It's obvious that their chats have shown where she relayed that you would not like some of his requests....and some of her talk, most likely is not knowing what to say or wanting to be a 'hip' swinger...afraid to say differently.

 

My suggestion is to put a halt to all activity...webcam, instant messaging, swinging...until you can discuss this together and reach a resolution on what is comfortable for both of you. Your marriage is worth more than swinging.

 

Best wishes to you both. Please keep us informed.

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Guest smileytattoo
:( Hmm... everyone is really quick to attack the other guy. Remember that THEY INVITED HIM IN! I would deffinitly talk to your wife NOW!!! Communication is the key. And I would ask if you could speak with this guys wife, that would answer a lot about his motives! I have to say that your wife did put him off about doing something with out you, but that is seems like in the future she could be worn down on that resolve. Mr. Smiley and I ONLY swing with couples. How ever neither one of us cares if the other gets on the web cam, because we TRUST each other. We talk about things that we read on forum's and how we would feel or react, like I said: communication is the key. Good Luck

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Single guy reply here- I always ask if I am talking to the couple just one on one. If it is the male, I am more comfortable, if the female I ask her to contact me when the husband is home. I have found it helps with the jealousy issues. Also helps to make friends first, talk to them a few times in a social atmosphere to find out what the boundries are, invite the couple over to show I am not married, etc, etc. If one asks me to meet them by themselves, I must have proof, in person that the other spouse knows about our meeting and is okay with it. I feel that a delicate relationship must be based on truth and communication.

For the record, I have also lost my "cache" of IM. Not sure if it didn't shut down correctly or what, but I can understand the suspicions. Hope you and your wife are able to work thru all of this....swinging should enhance your marriage, not tear it apart.

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Here is my concern, As it appears from your post your wife is making initial conact each time. I take it she is a stay at home mom. If you were clear from the beginning you wanted to be involved in every situation. why does she feel it is acceptable to chat with him alone daily?

As for if he is cheating or not (which he possibly well be) This is off subject and not a problem you will have to deal with. Your wifes confusion on this new found relationship will be. Get a handle and get it quick, it shows first signs of a all around bad outcome in my book.

 

2chase3

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I would put the brakes on in this relationship in a hurry. First off, I wouldn't be chatting alone to this guy unless I had intentions to hook up on my own. Without my husband. It's disrespectful coming from your wife and this guy. First off, how many emails or chats does he have with you alone a day? It seems he only likes to chat with your wife alone. There is your first warning. She keeps on chatting back in a playful tone which seems to be on a daily basis, knowing that it is a threesome situation. Why can't she just chat only when you are home. Warning two. Neither of you have had any contact with his wife, and why does he have to stress the fact that she's going out of town? Warning three. I say three strikes you are out. If I was swinging with this man and my husband, I would be pissed that he wasn't respecting my husband by trying to privately chat with me and I would tell him right from the get go that we are no longer interested. And I would have asked to meet him with his wife for dinner from the get go. Good luck in losing the loser!!!!!!!!!

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O.K. I admit, I didn't read everyone's reply, so forgive me if I repeat anything that was already said....

 

 

Reading your post was difficult for me because I saw a lot of parallels to my own situation. My wife and I no longer actively swing, but we did for a short time. Our rules were supposed to be that we only swung together and that we both had a say in who we swing with. When we did it, it was great! But two issues arose that became a problem in our relationship. First, there were two men I rejected as potential swing partners whom she went off and had sex with on her own and I discovered it. Second, she had some VERY steamy, very forward email conversations with people behind my back, including sending photos to people I didn't even know she was talking to like that. Yes, this was cheating, and no it wasn't O.K. But, there were some mitigating circumstances that were causing big stresses in the relationship, making swinging, in retrospect, a bad choice at the time, and she acted out inappropriately. We have since worked things out through counseling and a lot of devotion to one another.

 

However, if your situation parallels mine at all, part of the reason why I think you are experiencing this is that it is YOUR desire that everything be done with you around. SHE doesn't share your concern. This isn't a question of her love or loyalty. We are going to make the assumption that those points are a non-issue. But, because she doesn't see chatting, camming or POSSIBLY even meeting up behind your back, as a threat to your relationship, and because it is a "guilty little pleasure" for her, she can't get her head or heart around completely honoring your concerns.

 

Think of it, on a larger scale, as like being like a guy who likes to watch strippers or read playboy, or masturbate (I know, I know), who's wife doesn't like this and feels threatened by it. He doesn't understand or appreciate his wife's concern because he can't get his head or heart around why it's such a big deal. So he does it behind her back. Although he may be right in his conviction that she is wound too tight about nothing, to a degree, he is completely wrong because he doesn't appreciate or consider his wife's feelings.

 

In swinging, we reinvent fidelity parameters to suit our comfort levels, it's all about honesty and honoring each others feelings and desires (i.e., no, means no) even if we don't think it's a big deal. The trouble is that, when you have sex outside your marriage, it can change one or both partners perspectives. She's already had sex with the guy. It's a known fact that they have desire for one another. Now, they are in the gray area of, "if it's O.K. as a group, why isn't it O.K. with just us". She wants to be able to indulge her desires, but she is attempting to pay homage to your feelings, on an intellectual level.

 

What needs to happen is that her love for you and and consideration for your feelings, need to outweigh her desire for this guy and the naughtiness of illicit communication or contact. In her mind, it's not a threat to your relationship and she's only obeying the rules because you ask/tell her to, Not because she really wants to.

 

In a nut-shell, OUR relationship was never really threatened in the sense that none of what happened was going to take my wife away from me. BUT, it did show a tremendous lack of concern and empathy for my feelings and a willingness to play "what he doesn't know won't hurt him, because she desired something and didn't allow my feelings on the subject to stop her.

 

You need to address it from this point of view. And, you need to end this particular relationship because both she AND he are showing lack of consideration for your feelings. Also, stopping swinging for a while until yo figure out what you both want/need might be a good idea.

 

I do not have a black and white attitude towards this sort of thing. Good people, who love you whole-heartedly, can do some pretty selfish things (sometimes things they can never take back). Don't through the baby out with the bath water.

 

Best of luck!

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