Would you stop swinging if discovered?

[ALilOEverything 901]

Reading this thread on Jobs and Swinging got me thinking.

 

If you were "found out" and had to pay consequences from others finding out you were a swinger, would you stop swinging?

 

Or would you feel your secret was out anyway so you might as well just continue as you had been?

 

Or would you just use more discretion?

[OhioCouple 40]

We have been 'found out', though not caught in the act. We did not disconinue swinging, however we do take more precautions now.

[Sean_n_Jen 15]

(Sean here). Actually I have thought about this somewhat. I'm not ashamed of the choices I've made, including being a swinger; in fact I'm proud that Jen and I have a relationship sophisticated enough to do this. We're careful who knows this about us because there's no reason to ask for trouble. I'm sure there are those whom would try to make our lives difficult if they knew, and more so if they knew I didn't care what they thought. But, no I don't believe we would stop if discovered.

 

As for my job, I don't work somewhere where I believe it would be in serious jeopardy; but I have avoided working anywhere that my personal life would be an issue. Its a small company, so I don't consider playing with co-workers (imagine that environment if something went wrong). Besides that, weirder things have happened between coworkers that wouldn't even make me being a swinger that interesting.

 

I don't see this as an issue in Jen's job either, although since I'm the primary earner, we could live without it if necessary.

 

I realize that many are in positions, in jobs or otherwise, where the oppinion of others has a much bigger influence on their life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that although we're still somewhat new to this, our future decisions (where we live, our jobs, etc) will be made with compatability of our lifestyle in mind. As long as we want to continue to swing, we'll make sure we're not in a position such that our jobs or other circumstances could force us to stop.

 

I feel truly sorry for anyone forced to stop because it didn't fit someone else's moral ideas.

[northindycpl 32]

ALilOEverything said:

If you were "found out" and had to pay consequences from others finding out you were a swinger, would you stop swinging?

 

Or would you feel your secret was out anyway so you might as well just continue as you had been?

 

Or would you just use more discretion?

 

I am not sure what you mean by found out? DO you mean like if my parents or my children found out, or if my husbands employer found out, or if we were asked to go on Oprah, or all of the above?

 

My opinion has always been that this is something we do, within our very stable, committed marriage, it is not who we are.

 

I can also say that although we do not talk about it, if my parents found out... I doubt it would shock them... My kids would be grossed out and my husbands boss would probably ask to watch!

 

But that's just us!

[DBL D 120]

NO! NO! NO!

 

We're not going to come out on our own, but if the words out then it's out. Expect us to recant?

 

Male D

[intuition897 2,179]

QUIT? Not on anybody else's account! I figure if we were 'outed' we'd just ride the fire and brimstone tidal wave until they got over it and go about our lives as usual (as best we could under the circumstances). Quitting after we'd been found out would only affirm in the minds of the naysayers that we felt ashamed of our choices and that we were admitting we were wrong. Nope, not on your life. We'd probably continue just to spite them.. lol This is something that's between my husband and I; if the opinions of others mattered to us at all, we probably wouldn't be in this in the first place.

[ALilOEverything 901]

I am not sure what you mean by found out? DO you mean like if my parents or my children found out, or if my husbands employer found out, or if we were asked to go on Oprah, or all of the above?

 

All of the above. If you suffered some kind of consequence for swinging. If you family found and disowned you, or your employer found out and you lost your job, neighbors discovering it and making your life a living hell while next door, if your childrend found out and became ashamed of you etc.....

[northindycpl 32]

ALilOEverything said:

All of the above. If you suffered some kind of consequence for swinging. If you family found and disowned you, or your employer found out and you lost your job, neighbors discovering it and making your life a living hell while next door, if your children found out and became ashamed of you etc.....

 

I guess if there was a consequence, like...lets say swinging became illegal and punishable by prison. I would stop.

 

Although we are discreet... I would expect if certain people found out, then I would be more careful, but I doubt I would quit. I think people would honestly expect me to be a little on the untamed side of the fence anyway.

 

But, the Indy's smoke tobacco and in this day and age in our little town... I am entirely more secretive about smoking than I am about swinging! If anyone knew we smoked I would have to quit chairing the PTA!

[DBL D 120]

What's the point of standing up for what you believe in and noone else has the right to tell you what you can do as long as it doesn't hurt anyone?

 

Sounds like a revolution's cumming to me!

 

Male D

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Just ran across this old thread and after reading it, I can't help but wonder - WHY would someone quit after being discovered? What good would it really do? You've already been found out, so why give up what you were hiding. It's out there, now you should be able to just enjoy it more because you don't have to hide it anymore.

[Ed & Bunny 160]

Just ran across this old thread and after reading it, I can't help but wonder - WHY would someone quit after being discovered? What good would it really do? You've already been found out, so why give up what you were hiding. It's out there, now you should be able to just enjoy it more because you don't have to hide it anymore.

 

Julie, i was just looking through all the wonderful answers wodering which one to quote because I agree with so much said. The origional question is just to easy fo me, I dont care what others think. They can accept Bunny and I the way we are or go away.

 

Your question I think can be answered easily also. The person who quits will most likely have the main vanilla portion of life be involved heavily in community and church activity. In the wrong town being discovered could bring someones life crashing down around them. For those people it might be easier to try the old route of appologies and contrition to try to rebuild their place in the community. A good example is the ex minister Haggard from Colorado. He refuses to accept being Bi most likely in hopes of being able to establish another ministry.

[NCfuncouple98 367]

 

Your question I think can be answered easily also. The person who quits will most likely have the main vanilla portion of life be involved heavily in community and church activity. In the wrong town being discovered could bring someones life crashing down around them. For those people it might be easier to try the old route of appologies and contrition to try to rebuild their place in the community. A good example is the ex minister Haggard from Colorado. He refuses to accept being Bi most likely in hopes of being able to establish another ministry.

 

I am one that is heavily involved in both community and church. Just yesterday promoted to a "Volunteer Team Lead" at Church. If I was discovered by someone at that Church, yes, it would definitely cause a lot of issues. I wouldn't stop going, but I might have to step-down from that position.

 

My other community commitment is serving on the board of directors at an athletic association. Honestly that one worries me more - those are parents that trust I am making appropriate community decisions for children, and I think there would be fallout, against my own children as well.

 

Would we quit? Hard to say without actually facing it. I would think we would become more discreet, find out who "outed" us, and find a new circle to hang out with.

 

Mrs. NC

[Just Passing By 140]

Outside of the Military, there are a handful of occupations whereby the employer does have legally upheld jurisdiction over the employees conduct off the job on grounds to the effect of : " due to unique nature of the job, etc, the necessity of the (employer) to maintain highest degree of public trust and confidence, blah blah, conduct unbecoming, blah, moral turpitude, blah, blah.

 

On the other hand those so affected generally already use higher than typical discretion, and have more freedom to primarily play with outsiders.

[rpu3 630]

Just ran across this old thread and after reading it, I can't help but wonder - WHY would someone quit after being discovered? What good would it really do? You've already been found out, so why give up what you were hiding. It's out there, now you should be able to just enjoy it more because you don't have to hide it anymore.

 

There's a chance I would quit altogether if I were outed, but my employer didn't know.

 

There's a difference between being outed among friends, acquaintances and family than to my employer, especially in an "at-will" state and in this economy. And the way I could see it being outed to my employer is because we are in the middle of layoffs. If somehow my counterparts knew about swinging, it could be used against me in order for another to keep their job. If quitting somehow deflected attention or would serve my best interests or the household's best interest, then I'm going to do so.

 

I need my job more than I need swinging. At least for now.

 

This is all supposition, of course. But it would be a reason for me personally to quit... at least until it didn't matter or things blew over, re: work.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

No, I cant exactly say when we were "outed" anything changed drastically enough to stop swinging.

 

In fact, the only thing that did change was our understanding of others discretion. We found mutual feelings with those we know. There are very few who we would avoid in public because they are just to flamboyant. From them, we learned the most.

 

We never felt the need to put our lifestyle out there, in public. But if the cause should arise, we can handle it.

[sexylady1970 69]

We were found out not too long ago by family (posted on that but not too certain how to include the link here) Neither one of us are in a position where it would affect our jobs since I (the mr) am self employed and the mrs is in a position where many of her coworkers and contacts are in the lifestyle.

 

If we stop, we stop because it is something we want to do and nothing more. We do feel for those in positions where perceived immorality could lead to job loss etc. We live near a military base and there are numerous ads on various sites from military people. We feel the worst for teachers though since being photographed in a bikini can be construed as being immoral.

 

Live and let live we say, and have little use for those narrow minded people that pass judgement.

[Meetussoon 68]

If discovered, the "damage" would be done and consequences be felt, so why would we quit then? However, because we are swingers, I realize that a political life is likely not in my future. I am a very interested in politics, have lived a life of public service, and have thought about entering politics. With this aspect of our life, the Internet, and some of the photos that we know are "out there" it is likely not something I will pursue. This includes any desire to become a judge (I am a lawyer), I would hate to have to repeatedly recuse myself from cases because we had enjoyed a participant, or worse, face the motions to recuse which may be raised by case parties.

[JoCoCpl 99]

We would give up relationships with "friends" who discovered and disapproved of our lifestyle before we would give up swinging. True friends wouldn't care if we swing or not.

 

If it were family, we would just let them know that this is who we are - it doesn't affect our relationship with from OUR standpoint - if it affects it from their standpoint, then the problem is theirs. We'd still maintain the family relationships, but we're not going to pretend we're something we're not - not for anyone.

 

If it becomes a job issue -- well, let's just say in my line of work, it'd be pretty easy to land on my feet somewhere else.

[curiouscpl72 48]

I don't think we would stop...It isn't something I am( or my husband)ashamed of, just something our family wouldn't understand...some of our friends have "outed" us through just putting two and two together about certain behavior, and we are not really secretive among our friends.But there s the family to be concerned about, as far as being disowned or something, I doubt that but would be quite disappointed in our decision to lead such a life,and would make things quite uncomfortable, especially because we currently live with family members who are unaware.Life is tough enough without the judgement and to add some flavor and spice shall I say, as long as you harm none, do as you will......

[shymxcpl 71]

I think we actually started because we WERE discovered. We used to be so careful about our erotic adventures that we never really got anywhere. Then one day, after a fallout with a friend we were outed to our group of closest friends and to our surprise, most of them are still with us. Despite that they did express that they could/would never do anything of the sort, we still see them and it's almost as if nothing happened.

 

So in the end all that changed was that we became less concerned about hiding our nature and now we regularly find much more play dates than before. A lot more fun this way....

[CXXC 435]

After the fallout of being outted, one has to question why anyone would quit. The secret is out. Unless doing so would save your job, I don’t see the end game as advantageous.

 

If you are a teacher, I guess you will have to get a new job. If you have anything to do with children as a job, you are screwed. Makes me wonder tho. We are in the lifestyle to have sex with consenting adults not children. Why is it that they assume we are out to corrupt children? That is really messed up!

 

Running for office? Give that up! You are a pervert sex fiend! How dare you think you speak for your people doing that? LOL! Silly people.

 

True friends will still be true. Slightly jealous but true.

 

Family members will probably shake their heads but know, "That is just like you!"

 

Your children in elementary, middle or high school will suffer quite a bit but that will never end from the moment the other children find out.

 

In-laws will blame you for corrupting their child. They will not listen to your spouse even if they are told it was your spouses IDEA in the first place.

 

See? No matter what you do after you are outted, the fact will remain, from that day on, you will forever and always be labeled a swinger. If you quit today and months later admitted to it, you would still be thought of in that light. So why quit? Freedom is liberating! Imagine how much easier it would be if you were able to be out in the open with it?

[teasemeplez 15]

The way I feel is what we do behind close doors is our business. We do not push ourselves onto others. We do not go and flaunt ourselves (ok maybe I do a little bit), but it is our business. We are not hurting anyone. We are paying our bills, taking care of our children, and all the other things. So I would continue with my happy life. It isn't hurting anyone is it?

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--This happened to me with the wife of an acquaintance. She actually tried to make a public example of me in a shopping mall. We ran into each other and she immediately pointed a finger at me, with her husband at her side,"I know who you are and the all the sex you have with other people!"

 

I replied calmly and looking directly into her eyes,"It's the exact type of sex your husband wants to have with me. Think! How would he know? I never discussed it with him and this wasn't something that you discovered unless you want kiss me too?" We call it a hypocritical paradox when someone realizes the truth at the same time they see their own hypocrisy and go into a meltdown. She realized her husband had to have been on an internet site to have known about me. She just walked away.

 

Never allow yourself to feel guilty about having responsible, consensual, adult, fun . And, don't take crap from those trying to define who you are because of it.

[CXXC 435]

Edison Carter said:

with her husband at her side, "I know who you are and the all the sex you have with other people!"

 

I replied calmly and looking directly into her eyes,"It's the exact type of sex your husband wants to have with me. Think! How would he know? I never discussed it with him and this wasn't something that you discovered unless you want kiss me too?" We call it a hypocritical paradox when someone realizes the truth at the same time they see their own hypocrisy and go into a meltdown. She realized her husband had to have been on an internet site to have known about me. She just walked away.

 

Never allow yourself to feel guilty about having responsible, consensual, adult, fun . And, don't take crap from those trying to define who you are because of it.

 

Susan

Well done! I am quite proud of anyone with the mind to stand their ground! Thank you!

[bbarnsworth 2,637]

Edison Carter said:

This happened to me with the wife of an acquaintance. She actually tried to make a public example of me in a shopping mall. We ran into each other and she immediately pointed a finger at me, with her husband at her side,"I know who you are and the all the sex you have with other people!"

 

I replied calmly and looking directly into her eyes,"It's the exact type of sex your husband wants to have with me. Think! How would he know? I never discussed it with him and this wasn't something that you discovered unless you want kiss me too?" We call it a hypocritical paradox when someone realizes the truth at the same time they see their own hypocrisy and go into a meltdown. She realized her husband had to have been on an internet site to have known about me. She just walked away.

 

Yeah I've read this story before, and still love reading it.

 

I'm not one to blast people for whatever reason. But, there are times when its needed, even required. The best case scenario in such situations is for those people to get torched by their own hypocrisy. It's universal in such cases; they can't handle the truth - they are what they despise.

[allnightfuncpl 60]

All of the above. If you suffered some kind of consequence for swinging. If you family found and disowned you, or your employer found out and you lost your job, neighbors discovering it and making your life a living hell while next door, if your children found out and became ashamed of you etc.....

 

We would not quit swinging regardless, as it would only reinforce in whosever mind that what we were doing was wrong and would imply we quit because we must have felt the same way or we were somehow ashamed of our involvement.

 

Family finding out:

If it was my adoptive parents I would be up a shit creek in the worst way and probably disowned as my dad is a minister in a very conservative denomination and my mom would probably die on the spot. My youngest sister would probably not be surprised, she has been kind of freaky over the years and knows a little about how wild my wife and I can get courtesy of ending up at a non LS party that my wife and I was at that she had come to with her boyfriend at the time where things got a little wild that night. If it was my bio family who we do maintain contact with and I guess you could say somewhat normal family life with I am sure my bio mom would be devastated and it would be the end of them watching our kids for us. My bio dad would probably be hoping to get some and my siblings would probably be praying for us and telling us what sinners we are. Now if it was Mrs. Allnights parents well they already tell me and make sure she knows that they feel I have corrupted her by getting her pregnant before we were married and horrors of horrors I let her dress sexy (which in their eyes is dressing like a whore) when we are going out with our friends or anytime else she feels like it. God forbid their perfect daughter show just a little cleavage or some leg. If they found out I am sure her father would be on my front door steps with a loaded gun to take me out.

 

Employers:

If it was an employer that found out and I lost my job since I don't have any morals clauses I would say I hope to God they have a damn good attorney because I am going to own them. One of my old coworkers tried to pull the stunt of outing me at work, lets just say it didn't go to well for him as he happened to mention it near one of my friends who is not LS but knew we were. I took care of the problem rather quickly after being told about him trying to out me, I told him I had printed out his profile and photos, (I hadn't but he didn't know that) and that if things did not stop right then and there that said information would be handed over to our HR. To put an end to the rumors at work lets just say it is nice to have a friend (the aforementioned friend above) who knows everybody and their brother and who would do anything for you. A couple of well placed statements from her and the rumor was dead and my name was so to speak cleared she started a counter rumor for me that myself and said coworker had had an argument and this was just said coworkers way of trying to get back at me. (Which all it took was one person remembering a blowup myself and said coworker had about the way they were treating another employee about a month before and then that story became very plausible and said coworker was discredited.)

 

Neighbors:

Neighbors finding out well they could try messing with me, but I am not one to mess with as I am not afraid to defend myself or my family and friends if attacked. My neighbors know my standpoint is Don't mess with my family, friends or me or there will be problems for you courtesy of a situation we had with a now ex neighbor. We had a now ex neighbor that called the cops on my wife and I after having some words with them over some racist comments they made towards some friends of ours the ex neighbors claimed I had physically threatened them, thank God for our friends who they had made the comment about and two of our neighbors who overheard the discussion as 6 matching stories to 2 non matching stories tends to clear you in LE's view so instead of me being the one in trouble they were the ones in trouble for filing a false report and soon found most of the neighbors wanted nothing to do with them or their kids and moved out probably within 6 months of the incident. It is also helpful having enough friends who are in local LE who are also either LS or LS friendly as I could make any neighbor who wanted to cause problems due to the LS, have a rather difficult time as well. That and knowing codes and ordinances for the city we live in means I could really be a bad person to mess with. Fortunately for us we live on a street where like everybody in the neighborhood is asleep by 8PM except us, and us having weird or unfamiliar cars out in front of our house is nothing out of the ordinary to our neighbors as we normally have friends (both vanilla and LS) over somewhat regularly.

 

Children:

What my wife and I do when they are not around is none of their business in our view. We do not play when we have the kids here at home anymore, we tried that one time and THANK GOD for securely shut and locked doors is all I can say. Fortunately we were able to pull off that it was just Mrs Allnight and I down in our basement with the TV on. If our kids indeed had figured out and were trying to make us feel ashamed my wife and I would probably also remind them that there is probably things they have done that they would be ashamed of if we found out and that unless they want to be reminded of those things when they come to light this is no different. We respect their privacy and so should they ours. If it was a matter of them being concerned about our marriage our simple response to that would be does it appear our marriage is in trouble or something to you?? Both of our children (along with the rest of our extended family) know if they have concerns or want to make accusations of something about anything in life that they had better have supporting evidence to support the concerns or accusations so that right there would put a dead stop to that line of questioning as there is no supporting evidence available. (Our marriage has actually become even stronger and better than it was before we got involved in swinging because we both learned how to fully and completely communicate with each other!)

 

Susan here--This happened to me with the wife of an acquaintance. She actually tried to make a public example of me in a shopping mall. We ran into each other and she immediately pointed a finger at me, with her husband at her side," I know who you are and the all the sex you have with other people! "

 

I replied calmly and looking directly into her eyes, it’s the exact type of sex your husband wants to have with me. Think! How would he know? I never discussed it with him and this wasn't something that you discovered unless you want kiss me too?" We call it a hypocritical paradox when someone realizes the truth at the same time they see their own hypocrisy and go into a meltdown. She realized her husband had to have been on an internet site to have known about me. She just walked away.

 

Never allow yourself to feel guilty about having responsible, consensual, adult, fun. And, don't take crap from those trying to define who you are because of it.

 

Susan those of us who would defend ourselves when attacked like that are a rare breed. Most people when confronted with something potentially embarrassing like this will tuck tail and run. Like CXXC said I am glad you had the presence of mind to stand your ground and defend yourself. Shame more people aren’t like us!